7/12/18

Well hello there all you fine people! (I'm talking to the one of you who may have accidentally stumbled upon this blog cause I know no one other than my hubby really read it . . .)

Anyway, I'm trying to keep up with writing every few days so here goes.

I had therapy today and it was kind of a weird session. Why weird? Because it was pretty much all positive. I'm actually in a pretty decent mood, a pretty good mood. So therapy was upbeat, you know, talk about the good things. I'm not used to that because so often I'm depressed. It was a breath of fresh air, it was nice.

My mood has been overall better since I had ECT on the 2nd. I've been more even, more upbeat, more quick to show genuine emotion. I still have periods where I feel flat or down, I'm still having suicidal thoughts, but overall I'm better than what I was. And for that I'm thankful. I'm hoping that this lasts. I have ECT again on the 30th, so right before I go on vacation - which will hopefully prove good.

In other news, I booked an appointment with a dietitian. I need some serious help to lose weight and both my primary doc and my pdoc have suggested I see one. So I decided to finally bite the bullet and make an appointment (to one my therapist recommended). The first appointment is 90 min long. We'll see how it goes.

Well guys, that's about all I got for right now. I'm calling it done for the day.

7/9/18

Do you know what's funny? I have therapy this Thursday (the 12th) and I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about. The last time I saw M I was still very much depressed. Then I had ECT last week and started feeling better. I even got a little hypomanic one day. Now I'm just flat. Though I'm trying not to be.

I had a few good days but now I'm back to being flat. I think I'm quicker to laugh than I was before, and I think I'm feeling more genuine emotion than I was before (although it's difficult for me to do so), but I'm still overall flat. I'm trying to get excited about things, like my communication books and CBT book I ordered.

You know what though? What's frustrating to no end? I'm still having suicidal thoughts. They're really bad today. Like, nearly constant today. I'm so sick of them. I'm so sick of picturing my death in detail. I'm so sick of picturing the aftermath, cause I do think about that too. It's really fucking annoying. I try countering the thoughts, I try thinking about something else and my mind always comes back to suicide. I'm not suicidal though - there's no intent right now. I'm not going to do anything. My mind is just an asshole and hates me.

I'm struggling with getting up in the mornings. Mainly the mornings I have off. I don't want to get up. I have no desire, no motivation. I'm slow moving. I don't get anything done. I just can't. I hate it. I know part of the problem is that I feel that things are pointless. So why get up? Nothing has any meaning or point to it . . .

Anyway, aside from the suicidal thoughts I think overall I'm better than I was before I had ECT last Monday. Something to be thankful for. And I am. I just wish I could get my drive back (especially for exercise) and quit it with the suicidal thoughts. Cause those can ruin a mood.

7/6/18

The last day that I wrote was Sunday and it's now Friday. It's been a long week actually. My dog is staring at me like I've done something wrong. It's a little disconcerting. Anyway, long week.

I had ECT on Monday and it really knocked me down. I spent most of the day sleeping and went to bed early. One thing I did notice was that my mood seemed improved on Monday (when I was awake . . .). I did talk with Dr. M about how my mood has been and asked what we could do. He said I could come in sooner for another ECT treatment if I needed it. Which was frustrating to say the least. But I only had about 4 minutes to talk to him so it's not like we could have a normal discussion. So I plan on keeping my September appointment and seeing how I do up until then. Then we'll have time to talk.

Tuesday my mood was definitely improved and was even a little elevated. It was so nice for a change to feel good and be giggly. You have no idea. I was maybe a little embarrassing in King Soopers. But that's okay because I felt so good.

Wednesday and Thursday I worked. Both days my mood held pretty steady if maybe just a little bit down. Well, Thursday was a little down, Wednesday I guess I was a little giggly, at least to start (there was a comment made about me being in a good mood). Both days were long and just dragged on and on. Like seriously, I didn't think they were going to end.

But I wasn't depressed. And that's huge.

And now today. I don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. I feel that everything is pointless and stupid. I'm empty. I'm not depressed, at least not how I was. An argument could be made that what I'm feeling is mild depression. I just want to sleep. Or curl up in a ball and not exist.

So what's new?

My brain is a damn stubborn organ. Stupid thing. It's annoying.

And those books I've been looking forward to? They were supposed to arrive on Tuesday. They still aren't here yet. The one thing I've been looking forward to, the thing that's been sustaining me . . . nope. Which is also annoying. Hopefully they'll come today. *fingers crossed*

Hallucinations now! I had tactile hallucinations yesterday: someone tapping on my shoulder or back (no one was there) and someone shaking the back of my chair (again, no one was there). This is in addition to the orbs of light and shadow figures and demons that I see. So that's fun.   

7/1/18

I don't really feel like writing but I'm trying to write something every couple of days or so. So here goes . . .

Just when I thought my hallucinations were tapering off they ramp themselves up again. I'm still seeing the usual shadow figures, demons, and orbs of light, but now I'm seeing something new and fun: dinner plate sized spiders crawling on the ceiling at night. Oh goody! Giant fucking spiders! I've seen them the past 3 nights. Every time I wake up to go to the bathroom (which is a lot because my bladder hates me) they're there. Crawling around being all creepy.

Now, most of the time my hallucinations don't bother me too much because I know they're just that - hallucinations. But these spiders man . . . God DAMN they creep me out! Even though I know they're not real. I don't like spiders and I certainly don't like ones the size of dinner plates. No. Fuck that shit.

In other news, my mood was overall a little better yesterday. I had periods where my mood dropped and I felt the familiar cloud over me and was flat and empty. But I also had periods where I was mostly okay. Which honestly was a breath of fresh air. And I actually felt excited  for something (I ordered some books on interpersonal communication and interpersonal psychology because I'm a dork and want to learn stuff). Now I have something to look forward to (you'd think going on vacation in August would be the thing I'm looking forward to but I'm anxious as hell about that trip).

Now today . . . today I'm not sure yet how I'm doing. I feel down and withdrawn and I don't want to do anything. I just want the day to be over. But I'm not really depressed. Not like I have been at least. I guess maybe a different level of depression? I don't know. I'm still looking forward to my books which is a good sign but I kinda want to not exist. That's not good. So I'm not sure.

I was hoping yesterday was a sign that maybe I'm coming out of my depressive episode, but today I'm not so sure. One day at a time, I need to not get my hopes up but also not be negative about it either. I'll get there. I'll get through this. And I'll have my awesome books to keep me busy.

6/27/18

This is going to be a bunch of rambling, I apologize for that.

I was supposed to work yesterday, post partum. Monday night when I went to bed I was praying to be put on delayed start as I wasn't sure I'd be able to work. Tuesday morning came and my alarm went off. I hit the snooze but laid awake dreading getting up. I was already feeling bad. But my phone chimed with a text message from the night charge - I was being put on delayed start until 10am. I nearly cried. I went back to bed until 7:30, got up and showered, went downstairs to get break fast and coffee.

At 9:15 I called in to see if I would be needed or redelayed. I got news I didn't want to hear. I was going into work at 11. My heart sank. I wasn't sure I could handle it. Well, no choice now, I'm going into work. I went downstairs to finish a painting I had started Monday and actually finished it. Got ready and left for work.

I felt like crap. Depressed and anxious. I honestly wasn't sure I'd be able to keep up the facade of being okay. I got my assignment, a new c-section and a new vaginal delivery, made sure my rooms were set up, and got report. And it was fine. Everything was fine.

Except that it wasn't.

I felt like I was interacting okay but I wasn't feeling anything. There was nothing there except emptiness. There was just . . . nothing. I felt flat and emotionless. I didn't care. Not about my patients and not about my coworkers. I tried. I tried.

Here's the thing. I tried interacting, and I think I was mostly convincing, but I didn't try too hard.

Wait, what?

Yeah. I didn't try too hard. See, I've been told that I try too hard and in my quest for perfection I end up making things worse. I end up spoiling my mood. Because I'm not going to be perfect. No one is. But I expect myself to be and then when I'm not I make things worse.

So, I tried, but not too hard, and I was mostly convincing although all I felt was empty and flat and withdrawn and depressed and horrible. There were even times I went into the break room and curled up in a ball on the couch because I just couldn't handle how I was feeling. I wanted to curl up in a ball and not exist. But I settled for the couch. Luckily no one walked in on me.

I wanted to cut so bad but I didn't. I'm both proud of myself for that but also upset with myself. Part of me feels I should have just cut and part of me knows that's not an effective coping mechanism. So I'm torn.

 I have therapy today for which I'm thankful because I really fucking need it. I feel like an hour isn't going to be enough time.

Anyway, I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep going on like this. I'm not that strong. This damn cloud won't leave me. And I don't. Know what. To do.

6/25/18

I said baby don't worry,
Cause it's all the same,
When we end the game . . .

The grey cloud has enveloped me today. And I'm struggling. It took me an hour to get out of bed this morning. I went downstairs and had breakfast and coffee and then I went back upstairs and got back in bed. For another hour. Just laying there. Then I got up and showered. I actually showered. I told myself I should be proud. I mean seriously. I didn't even want to get up to go pee.

But then it was back to bed, looking through Pinterest. Until my son came up to check on me and inform me that it was lunch time.

Yeah, whatever. Make it yourself.

That's what I thought. But I managed to get up and get lunch (which for me was a bowl of cereal because I have no appetite).

Now I'm just waiting for hubby to get home so we can go to the gym. Which he's probably going to have to force me to go because I don't want to do anything except lay in bed.

I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to make dinner, I just want to curl in a ball and not exist. Can't I do that? At least until these bad feelings pass? I've had to fight back tears several times. I'm so tired of this. I broke down last night going to bed. Laying in bed in the dark crying. What fun. I'm really just so tired.

This needs to end.

I don't feel as strong as I was in the past. I'm trying to be. I'm trying not to let it show, I'm trying to be strong, but I don't feel it. I feel worn down. I feel like I can't keep up the facade.

I guess we'll find out.

6/22/18

I'm stuck. I'm walking around with this grey cloud above me. It's not just above me though. Sometimes this grey cloud envelopes me. Wraps around me and smothers me. 

When the cloud is above me I can function. I may be dead inside, but I can function. I can put on my fake smile, my fake laugh, and make believe that everything is alright. Why make believe? Because I truly feel dead inside. I feel empty, numb, flat, a husk of the person I should be. I'm anhedonic, if you want to get technical about it. Things that I used to enjoy mean nothing to me now (like drawing, painting, sewing, reading, hiking, playing with horses . . .). I'm just going through the motions. Every once in awhile I'll genuinely feel something . . . but those moments are few and far between. 

When the cloud envelopes me I have to fight to function. It doesn't come easy. I struggle. I break down. I cry. I have no motivation to do anything. Getting out of bed is a chore. Showering is a gigantic feat. It takes everything I have to put on my mask. God forbid I have to work on these days. I'm truly depressed. That grey cloud? It turns black. I have dark thoughts. Thoughts of suicide. I know that I don't really want to die but my fucked up brain tells me otherwise. And it's convincing. I spend my time laying in bed, staring off into space, staring at the wall or my hands or sleeping to escape. I can't concentrate to do anything. I pray for God to take me, to end the pain. 

Then the cloud lifts.

I'm given a reprieve from the worst of it. 

Or am I?

Because what I'm left with is the vacant nothingness and meaninglessness that makes up my life right now. No joy. No happiness. No escape from negative feelings despite my best efforts to remain positive. 

I've been dealing with this for at least 2 months pretty consistently. I have had about 3 manic days in the past 2 months (thank God for those days) but they don't last more than a day or part of a day. I seem to cycle every 3 months and May would have been month 3 (my last major depression was in February and resulted in a hospitalization). 

So is this what I'm dealing with? My normal cycling? And it's just lasting a long fucking time? And if so, does that mean I should ride it out? Just wait and hope it ends soon? Or should I seek a med change? The only thing is, with a med change, I know Dr. M doesn't want to go that route. He's already told me as much. He told me so after my depression in February. More ECT. I'm trying to lessen ECT and he's pushing for more. And I think it helps keep me stable overall. I do. But I pay the price for it with my memory and my continuing lack of creativity. 

So I'm stuck with this damn grey cloud. Either above me or around me it doesn't matter - both suck.