I've been getting progressively more depressed over the past month. It started off as mild symptoms, feeling down or feeling irritable. Nothing too bad. I was able to cope rather easily, manage my symptoms without too much effort. But then I started feeling more down. Feelings of hopelessness started creeping in. I felt worthless, everything felt pointless and coping became more and more difficult. I acknowledged okay - I'm in a mild depression. This is more than just feeling down. This is legit depression. And then it got even worse to where I was having suicidal thoughts, I started cutting again, and I truly felt like I couldn't continue on. I mean, how can I be expected to carry on when I feel like this? I've been struggling, I've been crying, I've been drowning. I feel trapped in my own head.
Today I had ECT and had an opportunity to talk with my pdoc. I told him about the worsening depression and asked what more I could do. He said, "we're doing it." I asked him about supplements and if they could possible cause the depression (I started 2 new supplements and I was hoping that maybe that could be the cause and I could just stop them and feel better). He said no. He's never heard of a supplement doing that. He told me this is probably just my normal cycling. It's part of having bipolar disorder. The meds I'm on and the ECT can hopefully keep the worst symptoms away but I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to get depressed. I'm still going to have mania. But hopefully it won't last as long. A couple weeks instead of several months (or longer). Which, let's be honest, I knew this. But it fucking sucks. And it's really not fair.
Today, thankfully, I'm feeling a little better. Just a little down instead of horrible depressed and I thank God for that. Hopefully this will continue. *fingers crossed*
Monday, November 7, 2016
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Mad World . . .
. . . and I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had . . .
When you have bipolar disorder, and you're stable, you can be going along just fine, everything going well, and then out of the blue for no reason what-so-ever BOOM you're depressed again. Maybe the feeling goes away in a couple hours, or a couple of days . . . or maybe it hangs out for a few weeks. Who knows. But then you're stable again and everything is right as rain. And then maybe the same thing happens with mania. And again, maybe it only lasts a few hours, or a few days, or maybe it's a bitch and hangs out for a few weeks. The thing to remember is that bipolar disorder is unpredictable and a mood change can happen at any time for any reason, regardless of how stable you think you are.
This is something I seem to be forgetting. Forgetting and not accepting. See, I've been in a funk the past few weeks. Fuck it, lets call it what it is: I've been mildly depressed for the past few weeks. I had been stable - what I've been calling "normal" (yes, with the quotes) - for almost 3 months before this hit. It started subtle enough, some lack of motivation, feelings of emptiness, feeling down. And then it progressed. I became more withdrawn, more quick to anger, and my motivation completely left me. Fast forward to me today: feelings of depression, emptiness, worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness. Anger and annoyance escalating to rage with little to no provocation. No motivation, ridiculously withdrawn, and stupidly exhausted. I want to sleep to escape. I want to cut and I have. And I've had generalized suicidal thoughts (nothing serious and nothing specific).
I guess I should point something out - something important. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was before this period of stability. I'm not. And I thank my lucky stars for that because I don't know if I could survive depression that deep again. No, this is more mild. I can get through my day. I can talk with people, joke with people even. I can still muster up a genuine smile. The thing is, everything is work. I have to force it. At work, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to take part in conversations. I want to hide away and be ignored. But I talk to people. I engage myself, I don't let myself hide. And it's so hard. It's tiring. But I do it.
See, I'm doing everything I've learned through CBT and DBT. I'm interacting, I'm writing, I'm drawing and painting (even though I mostly don't want to), I'm working out, I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm still doing things (even small things like jumping in a leaf pile because that's always fun). I'm doing everything I can to try and keep this depression from getting worse. I'm doing everything I can to try and end this depression. And to say I'm frustrated is an understatement. I'll be honest: I'm tired of dealing with bipolar disorder. I know I have to for the rest of my life and that's a bunch of bullshit.
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had . . .
When you have bipolar disorder, and you're stable, you can be going along just fine, everything going well, and then out of the blue for no reason what-so-ever BOOM you're depressed again. Maybe the feeling goes away in a couple hours, or a couple of days . . . or maybe it hangs out for a few weeks. Who knows. But then you're stable again and everything is right as rain. And then maybe the same thing happens with mania. And again, maybe it only lasts a few hours, or a few days, or maybe it's a bitch and hangs out for a few weeks. The thing to remember is that bipolar disorder is unpredictable and a mood change can happen at any time for any reason, regardless of how stable you think you are.
This is something I seem to be forgetting. Forgetting and not accepting. See, I've been in a funk the past few weeks. Fuck it, lets call it what it is: I've been mildly depressed for the past few weeks. I had been stable - what I've been calling "normal" (yes, with the quotes) - for almost 3 months before this hit. It started subtle enough, some lack of motivation, feelings of emptiness, feeling down. And then it progressed. I became more withdrawn, more quick to anger, and my motivation completely left me. Fast forward to me today: feelings of depression, emptiness, worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness. Anger and annoyance escalating to rage with little to no provocation. No motivation, ridiculously withdrawn, and stupidly exhausted. I want to sleep to escape. I want to cut and I have. And I've had generalized suicidal thoughts (nothing serious and nothing specific).
I guess I should point something out - something important. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was before this period of stability. I'm not. And I thank my lucky stars for that because I don't know if I could survive depression that deep again. No, this is more mild. I can get through my day. I can talk with people, joke with people even. I can still muster up a genuine smile. The thing is, everything is work. I have to force it. At work, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to take part in conversations. I want to hide away and be ignored. But I talk to people. I engage myself, I don't let myself hide. And it's so hard. It's tiring. But I do it.
See, I'm doing everything I've learned through CBT and DBT. I'm interacting, I'm writing, I'm drawing and painting (even though I mostly don't want to), I'm working out, I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm still doing things (even small things like jumping in a leaf pile because that's always fun). I'm doing everything I can to try and keep this depression from getting worse. I'm doing everything I can to try and end this depression. And to say I'm frustrated is an understatement. I'll be honest: I'm tired of dealing with bipolar disorder. I know I have to for the rest of my life and that's a bunch of bullshit.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Day 89
Here it is, day 89 of "normal", and I'm feeling pretty stuck. Why, you ask? Motivation. Or, more accurately, my lack of motivation. That's right. I'm lacking motivation for nearly everything. No, that isn't an exaggeration.
I'll be honest - I don't really have the motivation to write this post. Seriously. I feel I need to though. I feel I need to write more frequently, even if it's just mundane shit. And so here I am, sitting on the couch with the laptop in my lap, one big sigh after the other.
See it's just that I'm lacking motivation for so many things. Exercise, eating healthy, reading, drawing, painting, cleaning, getting up in the morning. It's very frustrating because I want to be able to do things, I just don't seem to care if I don't. Wasn't on the spin bike for a full 20 minutes? Oh well. Doesn't matter. Didn't vacuum the downstairs? Whatever. We're not downstairs all that much anyway.
The lack of motivation and not really caring (in addition to some other symptoms) are all symptoms of depression. I had a little over a week where I was having some strong depressive symptoms again and I keep thinking that maybe this is just carry-over from that. Except that the lack of motivation started before my depressive dip.
I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know how to increase my motivation (motivational speeches, etc don't work).
It sucks though, and is damn annoying.
I'll be honest - I don't really have the motivation to write this post. Seriously. I feel I need to though. I feel I need to write more frequently, even if it's just mundane shit. And so here I am, sitting on the couch with the laptop in my lap, one big sigh after the other.
See it's just that I'm lacking motivation for so many things. Exercise, eating healthy, reading, drawing, painting, cleaning, getting up in the morning. It's very frustrating because I want to be able to do things, I just don't seem to care if I don't. Wasn't on the spin bike for a full 20 minutes? Oh well. Doesn't matter. Didn't vacuum the downstairs? Whatever. We're not downstairs all that much anyway.
The lack of motivation and not really caring (in addition to some other symptoms) are all symptoms of depression. I had a little over a week where I was having some strong depressive symptoms again and I keep thinking that maybe this is just carry-over from that. Except that the lack of motivation started before my depressive dip.
I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know how to increase my motivation (motivational speeches, etc don't work).
It sucks though, and is damn annoying.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Day 61
Would you look at that. We're up to day 61 of me being actually, legitimately stable. It's pretty amazing, really, when you consider I've spent the last 5 years either depressed or manic and not really anywhere in between. (It's been mostly depressed, by the way)
So anyway, I wasn't really sure how I wanted to start this, or if I even wanted to write it. I decided though that it's a part of me and writing it may help me along my journey of wellness. So yeah. Here goes.
Have you ever been on the website Tumblr? It's kind of a combination between a blog and twitter. Think of it as short, fast moving blogs that you scroll through. It can be a fun site. One thing that I didn't like was that there were people - quite a few of them - who were romanticizing mental illness. Not just mental illness, but every aspect of it - especially self harm and suicide. It was all made out to be beautiful, romantic, and tragic. Not informing the reader to seek help, but instead to shun those who don't see the beauty in your scars (what kind of bull crap is that??). I hated it.
Until I realized I'm kind of doing that myself.
Not shunning people, I'm not doing that. But maybe romanticizing my illness just a little. Maybe romanticizing suicide a little. See, normal is boring. It's meh. And I'm still learning how to navigate through being normal (I'm so used to depression). I've written before about feeling as though I'm missing something . . . I think what I'm missing is my extremes of moods. When I'm in an extreme mood, people pay attention to me. Definitely not everyone, and maybe not that many, but people do. It makes one feel important. So that even though you may be dead inside, you matter.
I don't know if that makes any sense. My therapist has asked me on at least two occasions if I was grieving the loss of my instability. Grieving the loss of my mood episode, essentially. I told him I don't know. I think part of me is. Not because I want to feel like shit. Fuck no, people! My depressions are horrible and life draining and I thank God daily that I don't feel like that anymore. But because I'm no longer receiving that attention. I'm no longer "special". I'm just another ordinary person. My bipolar makes me unique.
Does this make any sense? I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to feel like shit or get in trouble for my moods, but I want to be special. I want to be unique.
But the scary bit revolves around suicide. See, as of right now I see suicide as a viable way out. Not now, not right now, but later. I keep thinking, well, if I get depressed again in 5 or 10 or whatever years, I can just kill myself. I've had a couple of depression relapse scares during this current recovery and my mind immediately turned to suicide and I was worried that if I got worse I would actually attempt. I can't. One: I don't want to die, two: I have my husband and son to think about. Mainly #2 is what worries me and pains me the most. But I can't seem to stop these thoughts, no matter what I do.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts about all of this. And my brain won't shut up either. Fuck.
So anyway, I wasn't really sure how I wanted to start this, or if I even wanted to write it. I decided though that it's a part of me and writing it may help me along my journey of wellness. So yeah. Here goes.
Have you ever been on the website Tumblr? It's kind of a combination between a blog and twitter. Think of it as short, fast moving blogs that you scroll through. It can be a fun site. One thing that I didn't like was that there were people - quite a few of them - who were romanticizing mental illness. Not just mental illness, but every aspect of it - especially self harm and suicide. It was all made out to be beautiful, romantic, and tragic. Not informing the reader to seek help, but instead to shun those who don't see the beauty in your scars (what kind of bull crap is that??). I hated it.
Until I realized I'm kind of doing that myself.
Not shunning people, I'm not doing that. But maybe romanticizing my illness just a little. Maybe romanticizing suicide a little. See, normal is boring. It's meh. And I'm still learning how to navigate through being normal (I'm so used to depression). I've written before about feeling as though I'm missing something . . . I think what I'm missing is my extremes of moods. When I'm in an extreme mood, people pay attention to me. Definitely not everyone, and maybe not that many, but people do. It makes one feel important. So that even though you may be dead inside, you matter.
I don't know if that makes any sense. My therapist has asked me on at least two occasions if I was grieving the loss of my instability. Grieving the loss of my mood episode, essentially. I told him I don't know. I think part of me is. Not because I want to feel like shit. Fuck no, people! My depressions are horrible and life draining and I thank God daily that I don't feel like that anymore. But because I'm no longer receiving that attention. I'm no longer "special". I'm just another ordinary person. My bipolar makes me unique.
Does this make any sense? I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to feel like shit or get in trouble for my moods, but I want to be special. I want to be unique.
But the scary bit revolves around suicide. See, as of right now I see suicide as a viable way out. Not now, not right now, but later. I keep thinking, well, if I get depressed again in 5 or 10 or whatever years, I can just kill myself. I've had a couple of depression relapse scares during this current recovery and my mind immediately turned to suicide and I was worried that if I got worse I would actually attempt. I can't. One: I don't want to die, two: I have my husband and son to think about. Mainly #2 is what worries me and pains me the most. But I can't seem to stop these thoughts, no matter what I do.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts about all of this. And my brain won't shut up either. Fuck.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Day 52
I'm so lost today. Just so. Utterly. Lost. Today I am empty inside. Today I feel like things don't matter. Life doesn't matter. Everything is pointless and stupid and why should I bother trying? I want to not exist. I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Now, imagine how bad off I would be if I was actually depressed right now. I'd be suicidal. But thankfully I'm not. Not really at least. The thoughts are there, but they carry no weight.
I woke up this morning feeling as though something was off. Something wasn't right. I had breakfast, went to the gym, and came home to enjoy a cup a coffee. As I sipped my coffee I stared off into space, negative feelings and melancholy swirly around me, taking over. I wrote in my mood journal, showered, and tried to shrug off the feelings, chalking them up to being overly tired the past few days.
But they continued. They grew. And no amount of positive thinking or mindfulness or ignoring made a difference. As per usual, I tried to figure out why I was feeling this way. What could have triggered it? I'll be honest - I don't know. Hubby and I did a lot over the weekend and I was around a lot of people. Could it be stress and tiredness from that? I was supposed to have ECT yesterday but didn't (it was postponed until next Monday). Is it that? Am I subconsciously worried about not having ECT when I was supposed to? Could it be that? All of the above? Something else entirely? I have no idea. All I know is that I don't want to feel like this. At all. Ever. No. It's horrible and I hate it and I want it to go away.
Please . . . just go away. I can't do this again.
And I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying,
Are the best I've ever had . . .
Now, imagine how bad off I would be if I was actually depressed right now. I'd be suicidal. But thankfully I'm not. Not really at least. The thoughts are there, but they carry no weight.
I woke up this morning feeling as though something was off. Something wasn't right. I had breakfast, went to the gym, and came home to enjoy a cup a coffee. As I sipped my coffee I stared off into space, negative feelings and melancholy swirly around me, taking over. I wrote in my mood journal, showered, and tried to shrug off the feelings, chalking them up to being overly tired the past few days.
But they continued. They grew. And no amount of positive thinking or mindfulness or ignoring made a difference. As per usual, I tried to figure out why I was feeling this way. What could have triggered it? I'll be honest - I don't know. Hubby and I did a lot over the weekend and I was around a lot of people. Could it be stress and tiredness from that? I was supposed to have ECT yesterday but didn't (it was postponed until next Monday). Is it that? Am I subconsciously worried about not having ECT when I was supposed to? Could it be that? All of the above? Something else entirely? I have no idea. All I know is that I don't want to feel like this. At all. Ever. No. It's horrible and I hate it and I want it to go away.
Please . . . just go away. I can't do this again.
And I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying,
Are the best I've ever had . . .
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Day 40
Wow. It's been a while since I last wrote. I'll be honest though, there isn't really anything exciting going on. Not really.
I've been trying to figure out how I feel, and this really is not an easy fucking task. Seriously. Because here's the thing - I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm just, normal, I guess.
But there's a problem with normal, and this is what I've been trying to figure out. See, I feel like something is missing. From my life. Like, something major, but I don't know what it is, only that it's gone.
And I still feel like I'm on the sidelines of my life. I'm just observing. Everything is passing me by, I feel left out out. And I'm pretty sure this shows at times. Like when I'm at work trying to take part in a conversation but I'm really just staring creepily at everyone while they're talking and I'm trying to nod and chuckle and look interested but I just look weird.
I go around at work and in life feeling withdrawn and reserved and quiet and not at all like myself. I have moments - don't get me wrong - where I'm more like myself. Where I come out of my shell and make jokes or act silly or, well, inappropriately because that's what I do . . . But those instances are few and far between. And I miss it.
I've been trying to get this all back. I've been trying like crazy to get it back. I go out of my way to make conversations at work. I'm making conversations with people I ordinarily wouldn't talk to (which makes me uncomfortable, honestly). I try making jokes, I try acting silly, but everything just falls flat (except for the towel penis incident).
People comment on how I seem so much more happy, more calm, more talkative, and like I'm doing so much better. And I guess yeah, I am. I mean, I'm not depressed, I'm purposefully trying to engage everyone in conversation, and I am doing so much better. I should just be fucking happy with this, right??
And yet I still feel empty. Hollow. I don't know what to do with myself. Literally and figuratively. I already spend one day a week volunteering with horses and disabled kids. I spend two days a week delivering babies. I paint . . . and then do fun stuff like clean the house. What the fuck more should I do . . .
Oh, and I also seem to have this whole anger thing. I'm very quick to anger and it's pretty volatile. Great fun.
So I don't know. Figuring this shit out is my ongoing project for now. In the background. I'm not letting it take center stage. My bipolar has been center stage for far too long so now it gets the back burner.
So yeah. There ya go.
I've been trying to figure out how I feel, and this really is not an easy fucking task. Seriously. Because here's the thing - I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm just, normal, I guess.
But there's a problem with normal, and this is what I've been trying to figure out. See, I feel like something is missing. From my life. Like, something major, but I don't know what it is, only that it's gone.
And I still feel like I'm on the sidelines of my life. I'm just observing. Everything is passing me by, I feel left out out. And I'm pretty sure this shows at times. Like when I'm at work trying to take part in a conversation but I'm really just staring creepily at everyone while they're talking and I'm trying to nod and chuckle and look interested but I just look weird.
I go around at work and in life feeling withdrawn and reserved and quiet and not at all like myself. I have moments - don't get me wrong - where I'm more like myself. Where I come out of my shell and make jokes or act silly or, well, inappropriately because that's what I do . . . But those instances are few and far between. And I miss it.
I've been trying to get this all back. I've been trying like crazy to get it back. I go out of my way to make conversations at work. I'm making conversations with people I ordinarily wouldn't talk to (which makes me uncomfortable, honestly). I try making jokes, I try acting silly, but everything just falls flat (except for the towel penis incident).
People comment on how I seem so much more happy, more calm, more talkative, and like I'm doing so much better. And I guess yeah, I am. I mean, I'm not depressed, I'm purposefully trying to engage everyone in conversation, and I am doing so much better. I should just be fucking happy with this, right??
And yet I still feel empty. Hollow. I don't know what to do with myself. Literally and figuratively. I already spend one day a week volunteering with horses and disabled kids. I spend two days a week delivering babies. I paint . . . and then do fun stuff like clean the house. What the fuck more should I do . . .
Oh, and I also seem to have this whole anger thing. I'm very quick to anger and it's pretty volatile. Great fun.
So I don't know. Figuring this shit out is my ongoing project for now. In the background. I'm not letting it take center stage. My bipolar has been center stage for far too long so now it gets the back burner.
So yeah. There ya go.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Day 17
I'm trying to figure out this stability stuff and I'm kind of struggling with that. I think I'm struggling because I'm having depressive symptoms. I had a couple of days last week where I was in full blown bipolar rage. Just. So. Angry. It was bad.
And now, well, the last couple of days, today included, I've been having suicidal thoughts. I've wanted to cut. And while I didn't necessarily feel depressed, I feel melancholy and withdrawn and distant.
I know that stability and recovery are a process. An ever going process that I'll always have to work at. Let's be honest - I say I know this, but I often forget it. I have to remember that I have bipolar disorder. I can be stable and doing well and then wake up to full blown depression or mania for no reason. I can't forget that.
I'm starting to think though that this melancholy is my "normal". This is just how I am. And it's better than I was when I was depressed. I should be thankful. I was just hoping there'd be something more. I don't like that I'm still questioning the purpose and meaning of life to the extent of having suicidal thoughts. And I'm not doing this shit on purpose. I try my best to counter or stop these thoughts.
I don't know. This is just frustrating.
And now, well, the last couple of days, today included, I've been having suicidal thoughts. I've wanted to cut. And while I didn't necessarily feel depressed, I feel melancholy and withdrawn and distant.
I know that stability and recovery are a process. An ever going process that I'll always have to work at. Let's be honest - I say I know this, but I often forget it. I have to remember that I have bipolar disorder. I can be stable and doing well and then wake up to full blown depression or mania for no reason. I can't forget that.
I'm starting to think though that this melancholy is my "normal". This is just how I am. And it's better than I was when I was depressed. I should be thankful. I was just hoping there'd be something more. I don't like that I'm still questioning the purpose and meaning of life to the extent of having suicidal thoughts. And I'm not doing this shit on purpose. I try my best to counter or stop these thoughts.
I don't know. This is just frustrating.
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