2/15/18

Ten days since my last post and a lot has happened. I was hospitalized for one. Well, that's the biggie. I was hospitalized from 2/8 through 2/12/18. Five days in Peak View. It was needed. I was severely depressed and suicidal. There were no med changes (I told them there that I didn't want my meds changed unless they consulted with my normal psychiatrist). I think being away from the normal stressors and responsibilities of life is what helped. The first two days were rough (Thursday and Friday) and I was pretty bad off. But by Saturday and Sunday I was starting to feel better. Well enough to be discharged on Monday (thank God).

And now I've been home a few days and I'm still feeling depressed. Yes, I know my depression isn't going to magically go away just because I was inpatient a few days but lets be honest - I was secretly hoping it would. I feel so empty and down. Not anywhere near where I was when I went in, but still pretty shitty.

And it's fucking annoying.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he wants to increase the frequency of my ECT for a bit. Yay. I'm trying to get off of ECT, not do it more often. But, I also don't want to feel how I'm feeling. So yeah. I have ECT next Monday. And I guess we go from there.

I saw my therapist on Tuesday and we were trying to come up with strategies to keep me from getting as bad as I did. Sadly, we really didn't come up with anything. I'm already doing so much and as he says, I'm doing everything right. I'm a model patient. So I got some essential oils to try and I may try taking up yoga. The other thing he mentioned was medical massage. Some insurances may cover that so it's something to look into. I'm open to anything, really. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I'm going back to work this upcoming Sunday. Some may think that's too soon after what I went through, but I think it would be worse for me to just sit around at home. So I'm going to try going back and we'll see how it goes. 

That's about all I got right now. I'm writing about the hospitalization for my book so . . .

2/5/18

I'm sitting here on my couch as I write this, wishing I was in bed, asleep. I'm not tired, mind you, I just don't want to deal with how I'm feeling. See, sleep is like death but without the commitment. Though I'm longing for the commitment . . .

I'm feeling so empty and drained and hollow, like the husk of who I should be. There's just this void inside me where everything should be. I'm going through the motions of life without really feeling anything. I've been rather flat and withdrawn lately, although I'm trying desperately not to be. And I think I'm putting on a good show as everyone around me thinks I'm doing okay.

If only they knew . . .

The funny thing is is that I wouldn't necessarily call myself depressed right now. I'm not quite like how I usually am when I get depressed. Perhaps I'm on my way there, I don't know. This is more of a "confused-hanging-in-limbo" state. I have some symptoms of depression but I also seem rather stable still. Like, I want to die, but I know that's just my brain lying to me.

I don't know what to do with this state though. Nothing is enjoyable to me. Not reading or painting or writing . . . I don't want to do anything except lay in bed.

Jeremy says I do this. That I'm stable for 3-4 months and then I drop into a depression for several weeks to a month or two despite what meds I'm on, despite my ECT. Maybe he's right. Maybe this is just my natural pattern. Maybe I'm not in full blown depression because of the new med I'm on. I have no clue. All I know for certain is that I hate feeling like this. Why can't I be manic every 3-4 months? I call bullshit on this. Why can't I just be manic at all??

Despite any of this, all I know is that I'm struggling right now, regardless of what people think.

2/2/18

Well it's February. Groundhog's day, actually. Makes me think about the movie with Bill Murray where it's always February 2nd. It was a good flick.

Anyway, the past couple of days I can say I haven't been overtly depressed. That's good, right? Sadly though I've been pretty flat and withdrawn. I have to fake my emotions so people don't look at me weird. Because I'm supposed to have emotions. And right now I really don't. Every once and awhile I'll have a true emotion shine through but it's getting pretty few and far between.

Yesterday at work I was close to tears for so much of the day it was ridiculous. I felt overwhelmed. Like I just couldn't handle it. And I'm still having trouble sleeping. Night before last I only got around 3 hours (possibly less). Last night I slept a little better, thank God, but I still didn't sleep good. My mind won't stop racing.

I still have no motivation. For anything. I just want to stay in bed. Hide away. I'm seeing no point to living. I mean, I have my hubby and my son, and if it wasn't for them, well . . .

I hate feeling like this. I want it to stop. I just can't. Please.

1/29/18

My bipolar disorder has been being an asshole lately. A big one. After 80 or so days of stability my depression is creeping in, both subtly and not so subtly.

The past week and a half I've had no motivation to workout. Seems trivial, right? But with how gung ho I've been in the gym and on the spin bike the previous 3 weeks before that . . . well, it's noticeable.

Then there's the matter of sleep. I've been going to bed early every night because I just don't want to be awake anymore. And when I wake up, I don't want to get up. It takes everything in me to get out of bed. And when I do, all I want to do is go back to bed. I'm having a hard time falling and staying asleep as my mind is just racing. And the past week and a half there hasn't been a day I haven't wanted a nap (and as long as I wasn't at work I've been taking them).

And then how about actually feeling depressed. This past Friday (3 days ago) and yesterday I actually felt depressed. Yesterday it took everything I had not to completely lose my shit and break down (I partially lost my shit and cried a little but roped it in). Today I'm feeling down and I have no motivation for anything. I just want to curl up in a ball and not exist.

I don't want to feel this way. Why do I have to feel this way?

I'm trying my best to take things one day at a time and not catastrophize it. But that's hard to do . I'll keep trying though, because what else can I do?

1/23/18

Things have been weird lately. All around strange and I don't really know what to make of it. See, I've been stable now for 78 days. Can you believe that?? Seventy eight days with no depression or mania. My mood has been even. Normal. I've been normal.

And I don't know what to do with myself.

No really. I don't really know how to be normal anymore. I've been depressed or rapid cycling for so long that normalcy is foreign to me. Yes, even though it's almost been 3 full months.

I feel lost. I feel awkward. I feel like I'm learning how to interact with people all over again. And this is difficult because I'm still withdrawn. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to put myself out there, chat with coworkers, ask questions, actively listen . . . but I still find myself being withdrawn, stumbling over my words, and feeling like a buffoon.

Large gatherings of people (more than, say,  4-5) make me uncomfortable and make me withdraw more. I feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing. It's hard for me to open up and interact in situations like this.

New situations confuse, frighten, and overwhelm me. I have the opportunity to go to a conference for free - I just have to volunteer some of my time. The thought of volunteering terrifies me. So much so that I'm not going.

I feel that through the course of my illness I've fundamentally changed. I'm not who I used to be. And I hate that.

And even though I'm stable there are still some, I don't know what to call them, bad things happening? I still hallucinate every day. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but always every day. I'm still having suicidal thoughts most days that I have to fight and counter. I still want to cut and I have.

But who knows. Maybe this is just how I am now when I'm stable. A withdrawn, frightened, overwhelmed girl who hallucinates, cuts, and contemplates her own death.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure this is who I want to be. But I'm not really sure how to change. it. 

1/19/18

I'm feeling really weird. Off, not myself. I'm not sure I can even describe it. . . I feel distant, disconnected, like I'm not really here. Does that even make sense? I can be in a room of coworkers and I feel as though I'm in the background, being ignored. Like everything I'm doing is fake, like everything is a facade. I'm not the real me. I don't feel depressed, that's not it. I don't know what this is. But I certainly don't like it.





















I'm forgetting things. Little things that I should be doing. At work. Like calling the pediatrician for a HIR bili. Or charting that I emptied a catheter. Maybe just because I had ECT this week. Maybe it will get better again. I don't like this. At. All. 

1/10/18

Well, I just talked to my mom on the phone and it's like the whole Christmas fiasco never happened. Not that I'm surprised by this. My whole life it's always been cover it up, ignore it, nothing to see here . . .

It was 11:30am and it sounds like she had been drinking. Repeating herself over and over . . . yeah. She had been drinking. And for her wanting to know how I'm doing she sure as hell couldn't shut up about herself. On and on about herself, the same thing over and over. It's frustrating. I have shit I could talk about. Like the coloring book Jeremy and I made that we published ourselves. Like interesting stories about work. Like how I'm really doing. Like how Ayden and Jeremy are doing.

But no. She'd rather talk about herself.

I'm never going to change this. I shouldn't let it bother me but it has completely ruined my focus for the day. I'm trying to get it back.

Deep breaths, in and out.

.

.

.

.

So annoying.