Well hello everyone! (or at least to the maybe 3 people who actually read my blog :D ) So it's been awhile since I last posted, 20 days or so, and at the time of my last post I was still dealing with some depression. Well, I'm happy to say that it seems as though the depression has lifted - I'm doing mostly okay. Which is nice. One thing I've noticed that's annoying is that I can still have bipolar symptoms even when I'm not in a mood episode. And these can be pressing symptoms, strong symptoms. It's very frustrating to be having a good day and then suddenly BOOM I'm thinking about killing myself and feeling worthless. But I get through it. I'm just struggling to accept it.
I've been doing a couple of new things, new things that I think are helping me. One, I'm exercising consistently. Like, daily. Even days I work my 12 hour shifts I'm still getting something in. It's given me a more positive outlook. Two, I'm looking for God. Now, this might not seem like such a big deal until you realize that I'm not religious or spiritual at all. God has never been a part of my life. Well, I'm actively seeking Him out. Two of my coworkers each gave me a book: The Message from one (the New Testament written in every day language) and Darkness is My Only Companion from the other (a book specifically about finding God in the midst of bipolar disorder). I read a little from The Message every night before bed. I nearly finished Darkness in one day (it's really good).
Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. I was at work taking care of patients and hanging with some awesome coworkers.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Another Day
I had therapy today and I was glad that I had therapy today until I actually got to therapy. Why? Well, it was hard to talk. I felt really withdrawn and flat, like I didn't want to interact at all. And it felt like everything I was saying I've said before, at one point or another. It was just really hard.
M, my therapist, said he could tell just by looking at me in the lobby that I was more depressed. My body language and facial expressions gave it away I guess. And yet I could still muster up a smile or a chuckle during my session. M agreed with my pdoc Dr. M that this is probably a normal bipolar mood cycle. I'm in a trough and I'll eventually come back out of it - hopefully sooner rather than later. And what do I have to do to get through it? Push my way through like I have been doing. Just keep plowing through until I feel better.
That sounds logical, doesn't it? It's part of mood management. The problem, is that sometimes it's really hard. Like, end-up-in-the-hospital-because-I-can't-cope hard. That's what I'm worried about. And just making it day to day. Right now, and in my depressions, I feel as though I'm living just to breathe.
We'll see though. We'll see how it goes. M thinks I'll be feeling better when I see him in 2 weeks. We made a bet on it (a bet I don't mind losing).
M, my therapist, said he could tell just by looking at me in the lobby that I was more depressed. My body language and facial expressions gave it away I guess. And yet I could still muster up a smile or a chuckle during my session. M agreed with my pdoc Dr. M that this is probably a normal bipolar mood cycle. I'm in a trough and I'll eventually come back out of it - hopefully sooner rather than later. And what do I have to do to get through it? Push my way through like I have been doing. Just keep plowing through until I feel better.
That sounds logical, doesn't it? It's part of mood management. The problem, is that sometimes it's really hard. Like, end-up-in-the-hospital-because-I-can't-cope hard. That's what I'm worried about. And just making it day to day. Right now, and in my depressions, I feel as though I'm living just to breathe.
We'll see though. We'll see how it goes. M thinks I'll be feeling better when I see him in 2 weeks. We made a bet on it (a bet I don't mind losing).
Monday, November 7, 2016
Well Fuck
I've been getting progressively more depressed over the past month. It started off as mild symptoms, feeling down or feeling irritable. Nothing too bad. I was able to cope rather easily, manage my symptoms without too much effort. But then I started feeling more down. Feelings of hopelessness started creeping in. I felt worthless, everything felt pointless and coping became more and more difficult. I acknowledged okay - I'm in a mild depression. This is more than just feeling down. This is legit depression. And then it got even worse to where I was having suicidal thoughts, I started cutting again, and I truly felt like I couldn't continue on. I mean, how can I be expected to carry on when I feel like this? I've been struggling, I've been crying, I've been drowning. I feel trapped in my own head.
Today I had ECT and had an opportunity to talk with my pdoc. I told him about the worsening depression and asked what more I could do. He said, "we're doing it." I asked him about supplements and if they could possible cause the depression (I started 2 new supplements and I was hoping that maybe that could be the cause and I could just stop them and feel better). He said no. He's never heard of a supplement doing that. He told me this is probably just my normal cycling. It's part of having bipolar disorder. The meds I'm on and the ECT can hopefully keep the worst symptoms away but I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to get depressed. I'm still going to have mania. But hopefully it won't last as long. A couple weeks instead of several months (or longer). Which, let's be honest, I knew this. But it fucking sucks. And it's really not fair.
Today, thankfully, I'm feeling a little better. Just a little down instead of horrible depressed and I thank God for that. Hopefully this will continue. *fingers crossed*
Today I had ECT and had an opportunity to talk with my pdoc. I told him about the worsening depression and asked what more I could do. He said, "we're doing it." I asked him about supplements and if they could possible cause the depression (I started 2 new supplements and I was hoping that maybe that could be the cause and I could just stop them and feel better). He said no. He's never heard of a supplement doing that. He told me this is probably just my normal cycling. It's part of having bipolar disorder. The meds I'm on and the ECT can hopefully keep the worst symptoms away but I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to get depressed. I'm still going to have mania. But hopefully it won't last as long. A couple weeks instead of several months (or longer). Which, let's be honest, I knew this. But it fucking sucks. And it's really not fair.
Today, thankfully, I'm feeling a little better. Just a little down instead of horrible depressed and I thank God for that. Hopefully this will continue. *fingers crossed*
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Mad World . . .
. . . and I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had . . .
When you have bipolar disorder, and you're stable, you can be going along just fine, everything going well, and then out of the blue for no reason what-so-ever BOOM you're depressed again. Maybe the feeling goes away in a couple hours, or a couple of days . . . or maybe it hangs out for a few weeks. Who knows. But then you're stable again and everything is right as rain. And then maybe the same thing happens with mania. And again, maybe it only lasts a few hours, or a few days, or maybe it's a bitch and hangs out for a few weeks. The thing to remember is that bipolar disorder is unpredictable and a mood change can happen at any time for any reason, regardless of how stable you think you are.
This is something I seem to be forgetting. Forgetting and not accepting. See, I've been in a funk the past few weeks. Fuck it, lets call it what it is: I've been mildly depressed for the past few weeks. I had been stable - what I've been calling "normal" (yes, with the quotes) - for almost 3 months before this hit. It started subtle enough, some lack of motivation, feelings of emptiness, feeling down. And then it progressed. I became more withdrawn, more quick to anger, and my motivation completely left me. Fast forward to me today: feelings of depression, emptiness, worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness. Anger and annoyance escalating to rage with little to no provocation. No motivation, ridiculously withdrawn, and stupidly exhausted. I want to sleep to escape. I want to cut and I have. And I've had generalized suicidal thoughts (nothing serious and nothing specific).
I guess I should point something out - something important. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was before this period of stability. I'm not. And I thank my lucky stars for that because I don't know if I could survive depression that deep again. No, this is more mild. I can get through my day. I can talk with people, joke with people even. I can still muster up a genuine smile. The thing is, everything is work. I have to force it. At work, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to take part in conversations. I want to hide away and be ignored. But I talk to people. I engage myself, I don't let myself hide. And it's so hard. It's tiring. But I do it.
See, I'm doing everything I've learned through CBT and DBT. I'm interacting, I'm writing, I'm drawing and painting (even though I mostly don't want to), I'm working out, I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm still doing things (even small things like jumping in a leaf pile because that's always fun). I'm doing everything I can to try and keep this depression from getting worse. I'm doing everything I can to try and end this depression. And to say I'm frustrated is an understatement. I'll be honest: I'm tired of dealing with bipolar disorder. I know I have to for the rest of my life and that's a bunch of bullshit.
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had . . .
When you have bipolar disorder, and you're stable, you can be going along just fine, everything going well, and then out of the blue for no reason what-so-ever BOOM you're depressed again. Maybe the feeling goes away in a couple hours, or a couple of days . . . or maybe it hangs out for a few weeks. Who knows. But then you're stable again and everything is right as rain. And then maybe the same thing happens with mania. And again, maybe it only lasts a few hours, or a few days, or maybe it's a bitch and hangs out for a few weeks. The thing to remember is that bipolar disorder is unpredictable and a mood change can happen at any time for any reason, regardless of how stable you think you are.
This is something I seem to be forgetting. Forgetting and not accepting. See, I've been in a funk the past few weeks. Fuck it, lets call it what it is: I've been mildly depressed for the past few weeks. I had been stable - what I've been calling "normal" (yes, with the quotes) - for almost 3 months before this hit. It started subtle enough, some lack of motivation, feelings of emptiness, feeling down. And then it progressed. I became more withdrawn, more quick to anger, and my motivation completely left me. Fast forward to me today: feelings of depression, emptiness, worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness. Anger and annoyance escalating to rage with little to no provocation. No motivation, ridiculously withdrawn, and stupidly exhausted. I want to sleep to escape. I want to cut and I have. And I've had generalized suicidal thoughts (nothing serious and nothing specific).
I guess I should point something out - something important. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was before this period of stability. I'm not. And I thank my lucky stars for that because I don't know if I could survive depression that deep again. No, this is more mild. I can get through my day. I can talk with people, joke with people even. I can still muster up a genuine smile. The thing is, everything is work. I have to force it. At work, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to take part in conversations. I want to hide away and be ignored. But I talk to people. I engage myself, I don't let myself hide. And it's so hard. It's tiring. But I do it.
See, I'm doing everything I've learned through CBT and DBT. I'm interacting, I'm writing, I'm drawing and painting (even though I mostly don't want to), I'm working out, I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm still doing things (even small things like jumping in a leaf pile because that's always fun). I'm doing everything I can to try and keep this depression from getting worse. I'm doing everything I can to try and end this depression. And to say I'm frustrated is an understatement. I'll be honest: I'm tired of dealing with bipolar disorder. I know I have to for the rest of my life and that's a bunch of bullshit.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Day 89
Here it is, day 89 of "normal", and I'm feeling pretty stuck. Why, you ask? Motivation. Or, more accurately, my lack of motivation. That's right. I'm lacking motivation for nearly everything. No, that isn't an exaggeration.
I'll be honest - I don't really have the motivation to write this post. Seriously. I feel I need to though. I feel I need to write more frequently, even if it's just mundane shit. And so here I am, sitting on the couch with the laptop in my lap, one big sigh after the other.
See it's just that I'm lacking motivation for so many things. Exercise, eating healthy, reading, drawing, painting, cleaning, getting up in the morning. It's very frustrating because I want to be able to do things, I just don't seem to care if I don't. Wasn't on the spin bike for a full 20 minutes? Oh well. Doesn't matter. Didn't vacuum the downstairs? Whatever. We're not downstairs all that much anyway.
The lack of motivation and not really caring (in addition to some other symptoms) are all symptoms of depression. I had a little over a week where I was having some strong depressive symptoms again and I keep thinking that maybe this is just carry-over from that. Except that the lack of motivation started before my depressive dip.
I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know how to increase my motivation (motivational speeches, etc don't work).
It sucks though, and is damn annoying.
I'll be honest - I don't really have the motivation to write this post. Seriously. I feel I need to though. I feel I need to write more frequently, even if it's just mundane shit. And so here I am, sitting on the couch with the laptop in my lap, one big sigh after the other.
See it's just that I'm lacking motivation for so many things. Exercise, eating healthy, reading, drawing, painting, cleaning, getting up in the morning. It's very frustrating because I want to be able to do things, I just don't seem to care if I don't. Wasn't on the spin bike for a full 20 minutes? Oh well. Doesn't matter. Didn't vacuum the downstairs? Whatever. We're not downstairs all that much anyway.
The lack of motivation and not really caring (in addition to some other symptoms) are all symptoms of depression. I had a little over a week where I was having some strong depressive symptoms again and I keep thinking that maybe this is just carry-over from that. Except that the lack of motivation started before my depressive dip.
I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know how to increase my motivation (motivational speeches, etc don't work).
It sucks though, and is damn annoying.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Day 61
Would you look at that. We're up to day 61 of me being actually, legitimately stable. It's pretty amazing, really, when you consider I've spent the last 5 years either depressed or manic and not really anywhere in between. (It's been mostly depressed, by the way)
So anyway, I wasn't really sure how I wanted to start this, or if I even wanted to write it. I decided though that it's a part of me and writing it may help me along my journey of wellness. So yeah. Here goes.
Have you ever been on the website Tumblr? It's kind of a combination between a blog and twitter. Think of it as short, fast moving blogs that you scroll through. It can be a fun site. One thing that I didn't like was that there were people - quite a few of them - who were romanticizing mental illness. Not just mental illness, but every aspect of it - especially self harm and suicide. It was all made out to be beautiful, romantic, and tragic. Not informing the reader to seek help, but instead to shun those who don't see the beauty in your scars (what kind of bull crap is that??). I hated it.
Until I realized I'm kind of doing that myself.
Not shunning people, I'm not doing that. But maybe romanticizing my illness just a little. Maybe romanticizing suicide a little. See, normal is boring. It's meh. And I'm still learning how to navigate through being normal (I'm so used to depression). I've written before about feeling as though I'm missing something . . . I think what I'm missing is my extremes of moods. When I'm in an extreme mood, people pay attention to me. Definitely not everyone, and maybe not that many, but people do. It makes one feel important. So that even though you may be dead inside, you matter.
I don't know if that makes any sense. My therapist has asked me on at least two occasions if I was grieving the loss of my instability. Grieving the loss of my mood episode, essentially. I told him I don't know. I think part of me is. Not because I want to feel like shit. Fuck no, people! My depressions are horrible and life draining and I thank God daily that I don't feel like that anymore. But because I'm no longer receiving that attention. I'm no longer "special". I'm just another ordinary person. My bipolar makes me unique.
Does this make any sense? I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to feel like shit or get in trouble for my moods, but I want to be special. I want to be unique.
But the scary bit revolves around suicide. See, as of right now I see suicide as a viable way out. Not now, not right now, but later. I keep thinking, well, if I get depressed again in 5 or 10 or whatever years, I can just kill myself. I've had a couple of depression relapse scares during this current recovery and my mind immediately turned to suicide and I was worried that if I got worse I would actually attempt. I can't. One: I don't want to die, two: I have my husband and son to think about. Mainly #2 is what worries me and pains me the most. But I can't seem to stop these thoughts, no matter what I do.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts about all of this. And my brain won't shut up either. Fuck.
So anyway, I wasn't really sure how I wanted to start this, or if I even wanted to write it. I decided though that it's a part of me and writing it may help me along my journey of wellness. So yeah. Here goes.
Have you ever been on the website Tumblr? It's kind of a combination between a blog and twitter. Think of it as short, fast moving blogs that you scroll through. It can be a fun site. One thing that I didn't like was that there were people - quite a few of them - who were romanticizing mental illness. Not just mental illness, but every aspect of it - especially self harm and suicide. It was all made out to be beautiful, romantic, and tragic. Not informing the reader to seek help, but instead to shun those who don't see the beauty in your scars (what kind of bull crap is that??). I hated it.
Until I realized I'm kind of doing that myself.
Not shunning people, I'm not doing that. But maybe romanticizing my illness just a little. Maybe romanticizing suicide a little. See, normal is boring. It's meh. And I'm still learning how to navigate through being normal (I'm so used to depression). I've written before about feeling as though I'm missing something . . . I think what I'm missing is my extremes of moods. When I'm in an extreme mood, people pay attention to me. Definitely not everyone, and maybe not that many, but people do. It makes one feel important. So that even though you may be dead inside, you matter.
I don't know if that makes any sense. My therapist has asked me on at least two occasions if I was grieving the loss of my instability. Grieving the loss of my mood episode, essentially. I told him I don't know. I think part of me is. Not because I want to feel like shit. Fuck no, people! My depressions are horrible and life draining and I thank God daily that I don't feel like that anymore. But because I'm no longer receiving that attention. I'm no longer "special". I'm just another ordinary person. My bipolar makes me unique.
Does this make any sense? I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to feel like shit or get in trouble for my moods, but I want to be special. I want to be unique.
But the scary bit revolves around suicide. See, as of right now I see suicide as a viable way out. Not now, not right now, but later. I keep thinking, well, if I get depressed again in 5 or 10 or whatever years, I can just kill myself. I've had a couple of depression relapse scares during this current recovery and my mind immediately turned to suicide and I was worried that if I got worse I would actually attempt. I can't. One: I don't want to die, two: I have my husband and son to think about. Mainly #2 is what worries me and pains me the most. But I can't seem to stop these thoughts, no matter what I do.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts about all of this. And my brain won't shut up either. Fuck.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Day 52
I'm so lost today. Just so. Utterly. Lost. Today I am empty inside. Today I feel like things don't matter. Life doesn't matter. Everything is pointless and stupid and why should I bother trying? I want to not exist. I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Now, imagine how bad off I would be if I was actually depressed right now. I'd be suicidal. But thankfully I'm not. Not really at least. The thoughts are there, but they carry no weight.
I woke up this morning feeling as though something was off. Something wasn't right. I had breakfast, went to the gym, and came home to enjoy a cup a coffee. As I sipped my coffee I stared off into space, negative feelings and melancholy swirly around me, taking over. I wrote in my mood journal, showered, and tried to shrug off the feelings, chalking them up to being overly tired the past few days.
But they continued. They grew. And no amount of positive thinking or mindfulness or ignoring made a difference. As per usual, I tried to figure out why I was feeling this way. What could have triggered it? I'll be honest - I don't know. Hubby and I did a lot over the weekend and I was around a lot of people. Could it be stress and tiredness from that? I was supposed to have ECT yesterday but didn't (it was postponed until next Monday). Is it that? Am I subconsciously worried about not having ECT when I was supposed to? Could it be that? All of the above? Something else entirely? I have no idea. All I know is that I don't want to feel like this. At all. Ever. No. It's horrible and I hate it and I want it to go away.
Please . . . just go away. I can't do this again.
And I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying,
Are the best I've ever had . . .
Now, imagine how bad off I would be if I was actually depressed right now. I'd be suicidal. But thankfully I'm not. Not really at least. The thoughts are there, but they carry no weight.
I woke up this morning feeling as though something was off. Something wasn't right. I had breakfast, went to the gym, and came home to enjoy a cup a coffee. As I sipped my coffee I stared off into space, negative feelings and melancholy swirly around me, taking over. I wrote in my mood journal, showered, and tried to shrug off the feelings, chalking them up to being overly tired the past few days.
But they continued. They grew. And no amount of positive thinking or mindfulness or ignoring made a difference. As per usual, I tried to figure out why I was feeling this way. What could have triggered it? I'll be honest - I don't know. Hubby and I did a lot over the weekend and I was around a lot of people. Could it be stress and tiredness from that? I was supposed to have ECT yesterday but didn't (it was postponed until next Monday). Is it that? Am I subconsciously worried about not having ECT when I was supposed to? Could it be that? All of the above? Something else entirely? I have no idea. All I know is that I don't want to feel like this. At all. Ever. No. It's horrible and I hate it and I want it to go away.
Please . . . just go away. I can't do this again.
And I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying,
Are the best I've ever had . . .
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