The past 4 days have been pretty, um, annoying. My mood is not where it should be. I'll elaborate on that . . .
Last Friday I had a horrible day beating myself up because of my weight. So much so that I was in tears. I happened to glance in the mirror and really get a good look at how big I've gotten (I weigh in at 235 pounds, people), and I lost it. Every negative thought I've ever had came flooding back, making me feel worthless and useless. I did everything I could to counter these thoughts but in the end they won out.
Saturday I worked, primary nursery, meaning I would be doing all the deliveries myself. And it was busy (I did 6 deliveries - one a set of twins). I was bitter and angry and overwhelmed and tired and in pain and my mood was sinking fast. I tried desperately to keep my head above water, to tread faster and harder than I ever have. But the fact that I had to work so hard only made me more bitter and angry. I came home from work exhausted and utterly defeated (though I tried not to show it).
Sunday I worked, primary nursery again. And again it was busy and I did 5 deliveries by myself. I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't as bad as I was on Saturday, but I definitely wasn't myself. I was not quick to smile or laugh. I tended to shy away from conversation. I still felt angry and overwhelmed. When I got home, hubs said that on Monday I should do nothing. Just relax.
And that's what I did.
On Monday I didn't get out of bed until 12:30pm. And I only got up because I had therapy at 2. It felt good to do nothing. It felt restorative. But I also felt guilty. Guilty because I had accomplished nothing. I took those feelings and went to therapy and vomited up everything that I had gone through and felt over the last 3 days. My therapist, M, said that I did good to stay in bed and that I might need another day of doing nothing. Which helped to relieve my feelings of guilt. He also reassured me that what I was feeling was normal and not a bipolar backslide (I had been worrying that all of this was going to lead to a depressive episode).
Today I'm feeling a bit better. I slept in a little, did the dishes, went to the post office, and did some reading. I'm more calm, less bitter, less angry.
I still need to lose some fucking weight though.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Thursday 10/10/19
I'm curled up on my couch in a hoodie with a big fluffy blanket wrapped around me. The heat is turned on but I'm still cold. That's not surprising though - it went from 75 degrees and sunny yesterday to 20 degrees and snowing today. That's not uncommon here in Colorado. My body isn't used to the cold.
Everything has been super uneventful. Seriously. Nothing exciting is happening at all. I'm working my two 12's a week, trying to stay productive on my days off (doesn't always happen), and get to the gym despite the pain I'm having. It's all rather boring. But that's a good thing I think. Usually when there's excitement with me it's the wrong kind.
I've been reading more, which is nice. Of course, I've been reading more because I don't have any inspiration for artwork. I want to draw and paint, I just don't know what I should draw and paint. I thought about joining an art challenge for the moth of October - called Inktober - but I couldn't come up with anything to draw after looking at the prompts. I felt overwhelmed. So I'm not doing it.
Mood wise I've been doing pretty darn good. Which is really amazing. I feel pretty great, actually. It's so weird not having my black cloud around. I don't want to sound too ambitious, but I'm hoping I get at least a year of this before my depression comes back. Wouldn't that be something? The most I usually get is a couple of months. But this time it feels different. I'm actually feeling - I'm not just flat or numb. So hopefully it will last.
Pain wise I'm about the same. Yesterday was a bad pain day where I was stiff and aching all over. Hubs and I went to the gym and tried to do legs. Well, he did legs, I tried. My knees hurt too bad to do much of anything. Stupid fibromyalgia.
Well, I don't really have much to write about right now. Probably I'll take a short nap and read. I'm going to try and write at least once a week, even if it's just boring mediocre stuff. So until next time . . .
Everything has been super uneventful. Seriously. Nothing exciting is happening at all. I'm working my two 12's a week, trying to stay productive on my days off (doesn't always happen), and get to the gym despite the pain I'm having. It's all rather boring. But that's a good thing I think. Usually when there's excitement with me it's the wrong kind.
I've been reading more, which is nice. Of course, I've been reading more because I don't have any inspiration for artwork. I want to draw and paint, I just don't know what I should draw and paint. I thought about joining an art challenge for the moth of October - called Inktober - but I couldn't come up with anything to draw after looking at the prompts. I felt overwhelmed. So I'm not doing it.
Mood wise I've been doing pretty darn good. Which is really amazing. I feel pretty great, actually. It's so weird not having my black cloud around. I don't want to sound too ambitious, but I'm hoping I get at least a year of this before my depression comes back. Wouldn't that be something? The most I usually get is a couple of months. But this time it feels different. I'm actually feeling - I'm not just flat or numb. So hopefully it will last.
Pain wise I'm about the same. Yesterday was a bad pain day where I was stiff and aching all over. Hubs and I went to the gym and tried to do legs. Well, he did legs, I tried. My knees hurt too bad to do much of anything. Stupid fibromyalgia.
Well, I don't really have much to write about right now. Probably I'll take a short nap and read. I'm going to try and write at least once a week, even if it's just boring mediocre stuff. So until next time . . .
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Tuesday 10/1/19
So it's been a month since I last wrote (well, close enough), and I'm happy to say that my black cloud has dissipated. It's still there sometimes, when I'm by myself - or even in a group - lurking, waiting to take over. But, for the most part, it seems to be gone. And for this I'm grateful.
I went to my primary doc last week because I've been having joint pain. Let me be a little more specific: every joint except for my fingers and elbows have been hurting for the past 8 months and getting progressively worse over the last 2 months. And when I say hurting I mean H U R T I N G. Especially my hips and my wrists and thumbs. They ache. When I move I get sharp stabbing pain. I've also had random muscle soreness not congruent with working out. And we can't forget my headaches or fatigue (I actually went to my doc about 6 months ago because of the fatigue and he thought it was just my depression).
Well, now I have a diagnosis: Fibromyalgia.
Ugh. Yeah. Fibromyalgia. Joy. When he told me that my stomach dropped. Fibromyalgia is a chronic, lifelong illness that isn't very well understood or treated. Not necessarily the thing I want to hear. And it's weird, I immediately thought that I would have to reinvent myself. You know, as someone with both bipolar disorder and fibro.
But I don't really have to do that. I can still be me, just another version of me. One who's in pain from time to time. I don't know. I don't think that I've accepted that I have fibro. Maybe because I'm not as bad off as some other people are with it. I've been researching it like crazy and my symptoms certainly match those of fibro. If I'm in a flare right now - which my doc thinks I am - then it's tolerable. Will it always stay tolerable? Only time will tell. As of right now I've opted to go med free as I don't want to deal with more side effects (I deal with enough from my bipolar meds). I'm going to continue to research it and look for blogs to read. What I have started doing is taking more supplements. Glucosamine, collagen powder, turmeric, magnesium, and cinnamon. All have been touted to help fibromyalgia. We'll see.
So yeah. That's where I'm at. A new diagnosis that I don't want and haven't accepted. But I'll get there. Eventually.
I went to my primary doc last week because I've been having joint pain. Let me be a little more specific: every joint except for my fingers and elbows have been hurting for the past 8 months and getting progressively worse over the last 2 months. And when I say hurting I mean H U R T I N G. Especially my hips and my wrists and thumbs. They ache. When I move I get sharp stabbing pain. I've also had random muscle soreness not congruent with working out. And we can't forget my headaches or fatigue (I actually went to my doc about 6 months ago because of the fatigue and he thought it was just my depression).
Well, now I have a diagnosis: Fibromyalgia.
Ugh. Yeah. Fibromyalgia. Joy. When he told me that my stomach dropped. Fibromyalgia is a chronic, lifelong illness that isn't very well understood or treated. Not necessarily the thing I want to hear. And it's weird, I immediately thought that I would have to reinvent myself. You know, as someone with both bipolar disorder and fibro.
But I don't really have to do that. I can still be me, just another version of me. One who's in pain from time to time. I don't know. I don't think that I've accepted that I have fibro. Maybe because I'm not as bad off as some other people are with it. I've been researching it like crazy and my symptoms certainly match those of fibro. If I'm in a flare right now - which my doc thinks I am - then it's tolerable. Will it always stay tolerable? Only time will tell. As of right now I've opted to go med free as I don't want to deal with more side effects (I deal with enough from my bipolar meds). I'm going to continue to research it and look for blogs to read. What I have started doing is taking more supplements. Glucosamine, collagen powder, turmeric, magnesium, and cinnamon. All have been touted to help fibromyalgia. We'll see.
So yeah. That's where I'm at. A new diagnosis that I don't want and haven't accepted. But I'll get there. Eventually.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
Wednesday 9/4/19
I look over my shoulder and there it is: the black cloud. The same cloud that's followed me my whole life is back and it's getting closer. I try to run from it to no avail - the cloud easily keeps up. It's not raining - not yet - but the rain is inevitable. It always comes, no matter how little sun I've had.
This is how I'm feeling right now. I'm almost finished with my TMS treatment. I have 3 more regular sessions to go before I start my taper (3 weeks of 2 treatments per week). And then that's it. I'll be done. And I have to say I've done quite well with it. My depression scale scores have dropped dramatically, I've been feeling better, smiling, laughing, talking, interacting. That existential dread that I used to feel in the mornings is gone. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.
So what's the problem then?
It's that black cloud. It's back. It's not hovering over me quite yet, but it's there. I can feel it. That little tickle on the back of my neck . . . it's there. Little nuances I'm picking up on. Negative thinking, feeling empty, questioning my existence. That damn cloud is moving ever closer.
I'm working hard to keep it at bay. Countering my negative thoughts, filling my days with things I enjoy . . . I read a book called The Depression Cure by Stephen S Ilardi and I'm following his program to combat depression (I recommend reading the book - it's very interesting and makes a lot of sense). I'm keeping up with therapy and follow up appointments, going to my TMS classes, eating healthier and exercising more. What more can I do? No really - what more?
That black cloud keeps moving closer and the rain is inevitable. So why run? What good will it do? If the rain is going to come . . . well, it's going to come.
Perhaps this time I should learn to dance in it.
This is how I'm feeling right now. I'm almost finished with my TMS treatment. I have 3 more regular sessions to go before I start my taper (3 weeks of 2 treatments per week). And then that's it. I'll be done. And I have to say I've done quite well with it. My depression scale scores have dropped dramatically, I've been feeling better, smiling, laughing, talking, interacting. That existential dread that I used to feel in the mornings is gone. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.
So what's the problem then?
It's that black cloud. It's back. It's not hovering over me quite yet, but it's there. I can feel it. That little tickle on the back of my neck . . . it's there. Little nuances I'm picking up on. Negative thinking, feeling empty, questioning my existence. That damn cloud is moving ever closer.
I'm working hard to keep it at bay. Countering my negative thoughts, filling my days with things I enjoy . . . I read a book called The Depression Cure by Stephen S Ilardi and I'm following his program to combat depression (I recommend reading the book - it's very interesting and makes a lot of sense). I'm keeping up with therapy and follow up appointments, going to my TMS classes, eating healthier and exercising more. What more can I do? No really - what more?
That black cloud keeps moving closer and the rain is inevitable. So why run? What good will it do? If the rain is going to come . . . well, it's going to come.
Perhaps this time I should learn to dance in it.
Monday, August 19, 2019
Monday 8/19/19
It's been awhile since I last wrote and I'm happy to say I'm doing better. Today was my 16th TMS treatment and I'm already feeling the effects, I'm already getting better. Pretty amazing stuff!
With that being said, it's a very weird experience. Almost like I don't know how to act. I'm so used to being depressed that I'm not sure what "normal" looks like for me. You'd think it would come naturally, but for me, it doesn't.
I was getting ready for work yesterday and it dawned on me that I wasn't filled with existential dread. I didn't fear the day. I didn't feel hopeless and worthless and dead inside. Instead I felt hopeful. I felt as though I was ready to tackle anything. I felt, dare I say it, happy.
I don't really know what to do with this. I tend to over analyze everything and I'm trying not to do that here, lest I ruin it. I'm trying to just run with it, experience it, enjoy it. And thus far I haven't fucked it up so I guess I'm doing pretty good.
I have therapy on Thursday. I haven't seen M in 3 weeks so this will give me a chance to pick his brain. I really don't want to ruin this.
In other news, something I'm struggling with, is getting up in the morning and getting on the spin bike. It was my goal to do this while in treatment and I haven't been able to. Not even once. Which makes me feel horrible about myself and I'm worried that this is the little bit that will fuck everything up. Feels horrible about self = depression coming back. I don't know why I can't just get up in the morning. I don't know why I have to wait till the very last minute. I'm getting myself to the gym now but I need more. I need to lose weight. Not just for self esteem, but for health as well.
I'll get there I guess. I'm going to pick M's brain about this too.
That's all I got. Short post for today. But hey - happy.
With that being said, it's a very weird experience. Almost like I don't know how to act. I'm so used to being depressed that I'm not sure what "normal" looks like for me. You'd think it would come naturally, but for me, it doesn't.
I was getting ready for work yesterday and it dawned on me that I wasn't filled with existential dread. I didn't fear the day. I didn't feel hopeless and worthless and dead inside. Instead I felt hopeful. I felt as though I was ready to tackle anything. I felt, dare I say it, happy.
I don't really know what to do with this. I tend to over analyze everything and I'm trying not to do that here, lest I ruin it. I'm trying to just run with it, experience it, enjoy it. And thus far I haven't fucked it up so I guess I'm doing pretty good.
I have therapy on Thursday. I haven't seen M in 3 weeks so this will give me a chance to pick his brain. I really don't want to ruin this.
In other news, something I'm struggling with, is getting up in the morning and getting on the spin bike. It was my goal to do this while in treatment and I haven't been able to. Not even once. Which makes me feel horrible about myself and I'm worried that this is the little bit that will fuck everything up. Feels horrible about self = depression coming back. I don't know why I can't just get up in the morning. I don't know why I have to wait till the very last minute. I'm getting myself to the gym now but I need more. I need to lose weight. Not just for self esteem, but for health as well.
I'll get there I guess. I'm going to pick M's brain about this too.
That's all I got. Short post for today. But hey - happy.
Tuesday, August 6, 2019
Tuesday 8/6/19
I figured I should give an update, considering I'm 7 days into my TMS treatments.
So yeah. Seven days of TMS (I go 5 days a week, Mon - Fri, for 6 weeks, then 2 days a week for 3 weeks - 36 total treatments). And let me tell ya - it hurts. I should probably explain what happens. I go back into a small room that's nicely decorated and has a decent sized tv. In the middle is a reclining chair, pretty comfy actually. Behind the chair is a large piece of equipment - the magnet. I sit in the chair, leaned back and put in ear plugs. The nurse puts a custom fitted cap on me that has my measurements on it (it looks like a swim cap. Or jock strap. One of the two). The nurse positions a formable pillow around me to keep my head still and the large magnet is placed over my left frontal and temporal lobes. As of right now I'm pretty comfortable.
But then the magnetic pulses start. They come 3 pulses per second for about 6-7 seconds, then there's a pause of about 6-7 seconds before the next pulse starts. How does it feel? Tap on your head in the same spot as fast and as hard as you can. Not bad, right? Now imagine your fingers are metal and have needles coming out of the tips and you're tapping a bruise. That's what it feels like. Over and over again. Luckily, the treatment session only lasts for about 4 minutes. Any longer and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. It truly is uncomfortable. Hell, who am I kidding, it hurts.
And I have 7 sessions under my belt, 29 more to go. Oy vey. HOWEVER, I think it's already starting to work. Hubby stated I seemed to be talking more and I worked this past weekend and had good days. Days where I was able to talk with coworkers and feel genuine. Days where I was able to laugh and not be faking it. That's something pretty huge. And makes the pain worth it.
I have follow up throughout treatment with the doctors and classes I go to every Wednesday night. They're very thorough. This is in addition to following up with my own psychiatrist and therapist. It's safe to say that I have a lot of support.
Anyway, that's all that's new with me. TMS. Starting to feel better. But it's huge news. More to come as I continue on this journey.
So yeah. Seven days of TMS (I go 5 days a week, Mon - Fri, for 6 weeks, then 2 days a week for 3 weeks - 36 total treatments). And let me tell ya - it hurts. I should probably explain what happens. I go back into a small room that's nicely decorated and has a decent sized tv. In the middle is a reclining chair, pretty comfy actually. Behind the chair is a large piece of equipment - the magnet. I sit in the chair, leaned back and put in ear plugs. The nurse puts a custom fitted cap on me that has my measurements on it (it looks like a swim cap. Or jock strap. One of the two). The nurse positions a formable pillow around me to keep my head still and the large magnet is placed over my left frontal and temporal lobes. As of right now I'm pretty comfortable.
But then the magnetic pulses start. They come 3 pulses per second for about 6-7 seconds, then there's a pause of about 6-7 seconds before the next pulse starts. How does it feel? Tap on your head in the same spot as fast and as hard as you can. Not bad, right? Now imagine your fingers are metal and have needles coming out of the tips and you're tapping a bruise. That's what it feels like. Over and over again. Luckily, the treatment session only lasts for about 4 minutes. Any longer and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. It truly is uncomfortable. Hell, who am I kidding, it hurts.
And I have 7 sessions under my belt, 29 more to go. Oy vey. HOWEVER, I think it's already starting to work. Hubby stated I seemed to be talking more and I worked this past weekend and had good days. Days where I was able to talk with coworkers and feel genuine. Days where I was able to laugh and not be faking it. That's something pretty huge. And makes the pain worth it.
I have follow up throughout treatment with the doctors and classes I go to every Wednesday night. They're very thorough. This is in addition to following up with my own psychiatrist and therapist. It's safe to say that I have a lot of support.
Anyway, that's all that's new with me. TMS. Starting to feel better. But it's huge news. More to come as I continue on this journey.
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
Wednesday 7/24/19
It's been awhile again. And some things have happened. Yes. Things. Where to start. . . .
I start TMS next Monday, the 29th. I'll be having treatments five days a week for six weeks, followed by two treatments a week for three weeks. For a total of 36 treatments. I'm hopeful that this will work for me. I have to be hopeful as it's about the only hope I have. I will also going to group therapy on Wednesday nights to help with depression and the fallout of lessening symptoms. Yes, there is fallout from lessening symptoms - I mean, what do I do with my life when I'm not depressed? I've only really known depression. Who am I without it? The Southern Colorado TMS Center also does auricular acupuncture which they recommend for stress reduction. I'll probably give that a try. Why not, right? It might help and I need all the help I can get.
Next up, my psychiatrist had me tested for the MTHFR mutation. Which, of course, I have. Both copies of it. What does this mean? My body might not be able to metabolize folic acid which is necessary to make serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. So, to counter this, I get to take the activated form of folic acid (L-methylfolate) for the rest of my life. In theory, this will allow my body to produce more of its own neurotransmitters and help with the depression. There's only anecdotal evidence to support this, but I'll take it. My other little ray of hope. I've been on the supplement for a few days now. No changes as of yet, but these things usually take weeks.
Those are the two big things. In other news, I haven't been doing great. I've been the opposite of great, really. I'm struggling, I'm drowning, barely keeping my head above water. I'm trying to find joy in the little things - a new song I like, the smell of rain, bumblebee butts - anything I can latch onto. Anything to help get me through the day. I wake up ready for bed, ready for the solace of sleep. I've found myself napping more and more, showering (or at least washing my hair) less and less. I'm starting to eat less (which may not be a bad thing - I mean, I need to lose weight, haha). I don't care what I wear or what I look like. I barely put on makeup. And all of this makes me hate myself more. Which increases my depression. It's an ugly cycle.
I'm really hoping the L-methylfolate and TMS help. I need them to. They have to - there's no other choice.
I start TMS next Monday, the 29th. I'll be having treatments five days a week for six weeks, followed by two treatments a week for three weeks. For a total of 36 treatments. I'm hopeful that this will work for me. I have to be hopeful as it's about the only hope I have. I will also going to group therapy on Wednesday nights to help with depression and the fallout of lessening symptoms. Yes, there is fallout from lessening symptoms - I mean, what do I do with my life when I'm not depressed? I've only really known depression. Who am I without it? The Southern Colorado TMS Center also does auricular acupuncture which they recommend for stress reduction. I'll probably give that a try. Why not, right? It might help and I need all the help I can get.
Next up, my psychiatrist had me tested for the MTHFR mutation. Which, of course, I have. Both copies of it. What does this mean? My body might not be able to metabolize folic acid which is necessary to make serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. So, to counter this, I get to take the activated form of folic acid (L-methylfolate) for the rest of my life. In theory, this will allow my body to produce more of its own neurotransmitters and help with the depression. There's only anecdotal evidence to support this, but I'll take it. My other little ray of hope. I've been on the supplement for a few days now. No changes as of yet, but these things usually take weeks.
Those are the two big things. In other news, I haven't been doing great. I've been the opposite of great, really. I'm struggling, I'm drowning, barely keeping my head above water. I'm trying to find joy in the little things - a new song I like, the smell of rain, bumblebee butts - anything I can latch onto. Anything to help get me through the day. I wake up ready for bed, ready for the solace of sleep. I've found myself napping more and more, showering (or at least washing my hair) less and less. I'm starting to eat less (which may not be a bad thing - I mean, I need to lose weight, haha). I don't care what I wear or what I look like. I barely put on makeup. And all of this makes me hate myself more. Which increases my depression. It's an ugly cycle.
I'm really hoping the L-methylfolate and TMS help. I need them to. They have to - there's no other choice.
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