Monday 6/20/22 Drowning

 I'm not really sure what I want to write about today. I'm feeling pretty down. I had all of the intentions of sleeping in today but was up at 6am (I actually woke up at 4am and laid in bed for two hours, trying to fall back asleep). I had an idea for a drawing so after breakfast I took my coffee downstairs with me to my studio and got to it. I spent 3 hours on it, between sketching and inking it. Then I took the dog on a short walk, showered, started laundry, and had lunch. And now, now I'm writing. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. 

I'm at the "go-to-sleep-and-not-wake-up-until-I-feel-better" stage. Quite honestly I'm surprised at what I've accomplished today because I truly have no motivation. I forced myself to go on my walk. I didn't want to go. But I figured getting out of the house would be good for me. It didn't help. Nothing helps.

Last week - Tuesday - I saw my psychiatrist. He upped my dose of Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg - the max dose. I am an idiot for how I tried to go off of the Pristiq, and he's keeping me on it for now. I see him again July 12th to see how the increased dose is working. So far no change in my mood. Except I feel a wee bit more cranky. Irritable. Maybe that's a coincidence. We'll see. If there's no real change in my mood in a month I'm going to talk to him about going off the Pristiq. Maybe with one less antidepressant I'll have a greater range of moods. I don't know. Maybe I'm talking out of my ass. I just don't know what to do. And I'm tired of feeling this way. 

On the up side, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow morning. I'm growing it out from a pixie cut (which is a long and arduous process), but it needs a trim desperately. I'm starting to get a mullet in back, not the look I'm going for. So at least that's something small I can look forward to.

I wish I could see Mike. It's only been two weeks since his surgery, so it'll be at least another 4-6 weeks before I can see him. I hate that. I wish it was sooner. But I have no choice but to wait. I need some support. I know he said if I needed anything to email him, but I don't want to be a needy burden. So I wait. 

I'm reading a book on adult daughters of alcoholics. And I have an ACOA workbook to work through. Fun times. But the book on adult daughters, Perfect Daughters, is spot on. It's like the story of my life. Which is scary and sad and infuriating and comforting all at the same time. Maybe, just maybe I can find some closure to this chapter of my life. As my mom continues to drive me crazy. It's in her head now that I'm her best friend and therapist and I'm going to help her through all life's obstacles. Fighting with her husband? Call Cami. Worried about grandma? Call Cami. Have a bad dream? Call Cami. Every. Little. Thing. I AM NEITHER YOUR FRIEND NOR THERAPIST. I am basically your estranged daughter who truly wants nothing to do with you. And I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way. But I have no real relationship with her. Talking to her is torture - especially since 99 times out of 100 she's drunk when she calls me. But I feel bad and guilty because I'm not a "good daughter". I don't know what to do. 

So that's where I'm at. Feeling like crap about everything and not having motivation to do anything. What a glorious place to be. I guess I could share the artwork I did this morning:

It's titled "Drowning". It's 8X10, watercolor and ink. Mostly ink. I like how it turned out. 

 

Tuesday 6/14/22 I'm An Idiot

You read that right - I'm an idiot. No really, I am. See, I got a wild hair up my ass and decided it would be a good idea to try and wean myself off of my Pristiq. I've been so blah and empty and non-feeling lately and, well, antidepressants can make you feel that way. Sooooo . . . why not try going off one of them? I tried going off Wellbutrin about a year ago because of side effects and my depression came back straight away with a vengeance. So that's a no go. My Vraylar . . . well, that's an antipsychotic keeping my mania at bay. So that leaves Pristiq. Now, I know I need to taper off slowly to avoid side effects. I'm on 100mg daily so I figured I'd just take it every other day for a week or so, then every 2 days, and so on. 

Yeah. Big mistake.

The day after I skipped a dose I had horrible withdrawal symptoms - brain zaps, dizziness, lightheadedness, headaches, and irritability. Let me tell you, it's not pleasant. At. All. Then I'd take a pill and the next day be fine. Skip a pill, withdrawal. Ugh. So I figured, why not just stop taking it all together? So I skipped 2 days in a row and let me tell you, that was hell. I worked Sunday (the day after skipping my second pill) and I was an emotional mess. I could hardly keep myself together. I was on the verge of tears all day, feeling depressed and low and awful. Brain zaps and other withdrawal symptoms were horrible. It sucked. I worked with my two best friends that day and they both reamed me for stopping medication without the help of my psychiatrist. Did I forget to mention that I did this on my own? Yeah. No input from my doc. And yeah - they were right. I was stupid in trying this myself. In listening to my sick, lying brain. But I did it. 

So Sunday night and last night I took my Pristiq. The withdrawal symptoms went away, I'm not completely, emotionally unstable. Which is good. But I'm back to blah and empty and non-feeling (although today I'm a little bit down). Which I hate. I want to be able to feel. I want a range of emotions. Not just blah, down, or irritable. So I see my psychiatrist today at 1440, and I'll talk to him about all of this and see what we can do. Because this has been going on since November of last year. Eightish months of feeling this way and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of just floating through life, barely participating, barely feeling. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. 

I am, honestly, nervous to talk with my doc today. Worried about what he'll say. Because I've been on so many medications and have done ECT and TMS already. I've tried everything but ketamine. And I'd prefer not to go there. But that may be all that's left. Or, maybe he can help me wean off of Pristiq in a way that I don't get the horrible withdrawal symptoms, and we can see how I am off of it. I don't know. I wish Mike (therapist) wasn't out on medical leave (he had major back surgery last week). I wish I could see him sooner than 6-8 weeks from now. It would help. So much. But it is what it is. I see my doc today and Mike in 6-8 weeks. Ugh. Wish me luck.

   

Monday 6/6/22 I'm home

 I was supposed to work today, but was called off. So I'm at home. Wondering what the hell am I going to do with myself. It's only 9am and I feel lost. I have the whole day ahead of me. So many hours to fill. And I don't know what to do. 

Kind of weird to think that I'll only be working one day this week. I was called off today, I'm marked off for Wednesday (Jer's cousin passed away, so we're going to her funeral Wednesday), so that leaves Friday. Just one day this week. Which will be a nice break. Except for the funeral part. I haven't been to a funeral in a  loooooong time. I can't remember the last time I was at one. I bought a dress for it as I don't really have anything "funeral appropriate". 

I had therapy last Thursday and it was okay. Just . . . okay. I vented about work, how I've been feeling, etc. It wasn't really a "let's come up with solutions" type of session. Just more of a "getting everything out" one. Which, let's be honest, I needed. It'll be at least 6 weeks before I see Mike again as he's having his back surgery today. I'm praying that everything goes smoothly for him and that he has a comfortable, uneventful recovery. 

There's not much else going on. I'm very boring I guess. I still haven't been able to read. I still haven't done any artwork. I still have no motivation or inspiration. Which sucks. It really sucks. I want to be able to do things with my time off and it's like, I can't. I go down to my studio and I sit there, staring off into space. I don't know what to draw or paint and I haven't sewn anything in over 6 months. No desire. No ideas. I'm hoping this will change soon because I normally enjoy doing art. But not now. Now I don't even pick up a pencil. 

I took Moya on walks last week, a long one yesterday, and I'll likely take her on one today. At least this gets me out of the house and doing something. Something active. Probably the gym this afternoon. So there - I've taken up like 2 hours of time. Go me. What else can I do . . . I'm going to try not to nap. It's easier to nap than to feel the nothingness. So I usually do it often. But I'm going to try not to today. I have laundry going, I can empty the dishwasher. That kills another 10 minutes or so. Ugh. 

Oh well. I'm glad I'm not at work.  

Tuesday 5/31/22 Been a while

 Well hello there. It's actually been a while since I last posted. Weird. I try to write once a week, but I've been . . . distracted. "Distracted" probably isn't the correct word to use, but it works. I've been busy and unmotivated and blah and can hardly be bothered to do anything in my time off. I haven't been painting really, or reading. Or doing anything. Volunteering yes. But nothing else. I just can't seem to get off my butt and participate in life right now. 

I think in my last post (or maybe the one before it) I wrote that it would be awhile for me to have a therapy session. Well, Mike's surgery was pushed back to June 6th so he's making time for me this upcoming Thursday. Which is wonderful. I'll have to miss my afternoon volunteering, but I need to be seen. Having therapy helps. Having someone else to talk to helps. And not having to wait 14 or more weeks between sessions really helps. But I'm almost like, what do I talk about? Because there's nothing going on in my life. Like, nothing. I go to work, I volunteer, I eat, sleep, stare off into space. There's nothing. I'm not having as many "bad" days. Days where I'm close to crying and feeling depressed. Most of my days are nothingness. I'm just floating along through life, participating minimally, flat and blah and pretending that I'm okay. I'm good at pretending. I have no motivation to do anything that I normally enjoy. I have no motivation to work out. I have no motivation to try. 

Work is a chore and is bringing me anxiety. I don't want to go. I feel like I need some time off. Just to be away. There's some changes going on that are probably going to be not good. A new staffing grid. They want us working more short staffed. I've had some difficult days recently and this new grid is going to make things worse. Especially for us transition nursery nurses. We'll have no help but be expected to do more. It makes me anxious. If I could muster up any real feelings I'd be pissed. But I have nothing to muster up, except anxiety. And I can't change what they're doing, none of us can. So I fall into apathy and "why bother". Our manager is begging us to trust her, that this will work, and I can't seem to care. I just go in and do my job, try to keep the anxiety at bay, keep my head down and plug along. But it's exhausting. Because I have to keep up appearances that I'm A-okay. I have to be pleasant and upbeat with families. I have to try and connect. Even though all I want to do is hide. 

Volunteering - at least Thursdays - are an escape for me. I get to be with horses and hopefully feel like I'm making a difference. I still have to keep up appearances and participate and be upbeat. Which is hard, despite being with horses. I say that I enjoy my volunteer work, that I love it, that I'm getting something out of it. When, in reality, I'm just there. I'm just going through the motions. Don't get me wrong - it does help. I do feel better after a day of being out in the sun with horses. But it doesn't help as much as I think it should. And again I'm pretending. I don't want the powers that be or other volunteers to know that I'm struggling. So I pretend and tell myself I'm doing good for others and that I enjoy it, even when I don't feel it. What a crappy way to be.

As far as artwork and reading and stuff goes . . . well, I'm not doing it. I did a couple of simple paintings like a week and a half ago and that's all I've done. I can't concentrate long enough to read anything and I don't feel like doing any artwork. I have no motivation or inspiration. Every once in a while I'll get a little spark. A little idea. But then I try and expand on it, to make up a composition for a painting, and it falls flat. Or dies completely. I just don't have it in me to create right now. Not even vent art. Not even simple scribbles or colors. There's nothing there. Nothing. 

This is my life right now. Nothing. Float along, go through the motions, feeling nothing, feeling empty. And I hate it. And what's bad too is that I don't want to do anything. Or go anywhere. I don't get joy or satisfaction out of anything so why do it? Why go there? Why try? 

So yeah. Flat, empty, nothing. This is me. And I'm sick of it.  

Monday 5/16/22 Finally some art

 Yep. I finally did some art today. First time painting all month. Last month and the month before I was all about painting horses, horses, horses. Then I ran out of steam. I have no motivation or inspiration. I don't want to continue just painting horse after horse, but I'm not sure what to paint. Art block, I guess. All artists get it. I've had it numerous times. Maybe being able to paint today (not horses) signifies the lifting of my art block. Who knows. Guess I'll find out . . . time will tell.

Today I also finished my course on kicking my sugar addiction. It was a very insightful course and I think I can really do it - stop eating sugar. Again, time will tell. I'll see how I do over the coming weeks. There's a "master class" I can sign up for if I need extra help (it, of course, costs extra, and is pretty pricey). But if I'm struggling I just may sign up. Because I'm determined to become a person who doesn't eat sugar. I know I'll be healthier and feel better by not eating sugar. 

Mood wise I've been all over the place. Well, maybe not quite "all over", but I'm having ups and downs. Today is a down day. Yesterday, at work, I was pretty okay. Maybe just a little blah. But okay. Just when I start to feel like I'm doing a bit better, that maybe, just maybe my depression is lifting, I have a day like today. Which reminds me that I'm most definitely not out of the woods yet. It's not that today is bad - I mean, I've accomplished a lot today. It's just that I'm not feeling it. I feel like I've done nothing. Even though I was up early, showered, shaved, did laundry, finished my sugar course, did 2 paintings, and am going to work out, I feel none of it. I'm empty and hollow and feel nothing. Except down and blah. It's frustrating, to say the least. And I really don't know what to do except keep pushing through. It just seems so daunting and overwhelming. To have to keep feeling this way. To have to keep pushing through. I'm so tired of it. I want things to be easy and they're not. Ugh. 

I still have 4 weeks before my next therapy session. It feels so far off (it's already been 3 since my last session). Maybe that will be a good thing - it's not like I have much new to talk about. I go to work, I eat and sleep and complain, and go to bed. Nothing new. 

Tomorrow is my anniversary. Nineteen years of marriage, 22 years together. Pretty awesome. I don't think we're doing anything, which doesn't bother me. I don't have anything planned - not even a card. Maybe I should at least get him a card. I just don't feel like celebrating. I've never been big on celebrating. I have a boring dinner planned, but I do that every night that I'm off. Oh well. Maybe we'll end up going out. Who knows. 

That's it for now I guess. I have no direction with this post. Same shit, different day.  

Tuesday 5/10/22 Maybe I'm slightly better . . .

 Well, I think I'm doing a bit better than I was last week. I'm not as down, not feeling quite so crappy. I'm still blah, still empty, but don't feel as depressed. Which is a good thing. I did work my call shift last week and it sucked. A lot. It was super busy and stupid and then I had to go back Thursday and do it again. Oh well. 

So anyway, I started a program called "I Kicked Sugar". It's an audio program - kind of like a podcast almost - with a workbook. It's got 10 modules, each module around 20-30 minutes long, with tasks to do at the end of each module. As the name implies, it helps you kick your sugar habit. I just finished module 5 today which involved a lot of journaling (which, most of the modules involve journaling). I've also watched 2 documentaries that the program recommended - "That Sugar Film" and "The Truth About Sugar". Both were very eye-opening and informative (though I enjoyed That Sugar Film the most).

 If you haven't figured it out, I'm going to try and give up most sugar. I think it will help me lose weight, feel better physically and emotionally, and maybe help with the depression. Because I'll admit it - I'm addicted to sugar. I binge on it when no one's around or I think no one is paying attention (I'm worst at work when there's treats or candy or chocolate). But, I binge at home, too. To the point that I make myself physically sick. It's like I can't stop. And then I feel horrible after - physically and mentally. I use sugar to reward myself, to calm myself, to soothe myself, to comfort myself . . . it's bad. So, I'm on a quest to give it up. Not entirely - I'll still be eating fruit and the occasional treat - but refined sugar has got to go. 

I think Jeremy thinks I'm a bit whack-a-doodle for doing this. When I told him about it he was less than supportive and was trying to poke holes in everything I was telling him. Which, honestly, made my mood crash. I'm going to need him to be supportive of me with this. But, regardless of what he thinks, I'm doing it. It's going to be hard, but I'm doing it. 

Nothing much else is going on. I'm tired most of the time, I'm blah, I'm still just existing. It's better than being depressed, but it's still no fun. Work is always busy and I feel burnt out. I need a prolonged vacation - even if I don't do anything or go anywhere. Just some time off to be. Although escaping to the mountains would be nice, even if only for a day trip. 

That's about it for now. At least I'm not as negative as I was last week. 

 

Monday 5/2/22 Ugh

 Welp, here we are, it's Monday. It's 11:21am and I haven't showered or even changed out of my pajamas yet. I just don't care. It seems like too much work. I know I'd feel better if I did . . . but it seems so hard. I'm pretty down today and I don't want to do anything. 

I worked yesterday and it was a rough day - mood wise. I was on the floor and my assignment was a nice one - my patients were all nice and self sufficient, and hardly needed anything from me. An easy day. Except it wasn't. I felt so down and empty and lost. I tried to read but couldn't focus. I wanted to hide from everyone. If I had been at home I would have taken a nap (or several). But I was at work and couldn't nap, so I hid and didn't really talk to anyone. Even to two friends who were working yesterday as well. Nope. Just hid in the corner and tried not to feel like crap.

And something that sucks, something that I'm "dealing with", is that I won't have therapy again for 7 weeks because Mike is having major back surgery. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, it just sucks that I have to wait that long (or possibly even longer). Therapy last Wednesday was basically me venting about being depressed and angry at that depression and Mike trying to point out all the good in me. Trying to make me see that I'm more than just my depression. Which I know, intellectually, but it's hard to feel that when I've been feeling so low.  I'm struggling right now. I'm trying so hard not to let it show, but I'm struggling. 

Today it's windy and cold and cloudy. Tomorrow I have to go into work to be fitted again for an N95 mask (I don't want to go). Wednesday I'm on call and praying that I don't get called in. And Thursday, when I should be volunteering, I'll be at work. I'm set up for a crappy week. I work Saturday as well. It's a week I'm not looking forward to. Especially when I feel the way I do. 

I'm being very negative, I know. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it it seems. It's hard to be positive when feeling like crap all the time. Anyway, I guess I don't have anything else to write right now. I need to eat lunch, and I need to shower.