6/7/19

It doesn't matter why. That's what I've decided. Did you read my last post? Maybe you should. See, I've been depressed since then (May 17th). And it doesn't really matter why. I don't think there's a reason anyway except my bipolar. No trigger, no cause. Just my brain being a bag of dicks.

I'm depressed. I'm empty. I'm hollow. I'm fake. I'm down, defeated, hopeless, and overwhelmed. I'm nothing.

All of the things and none of the things.

I feel I'm getting worse. Slowly but surely getting worse.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday (the 5th). On top of the depression I've been having dizzy/lightheaded spells and tremors in my hands and right leg. Fun right? Fucking laugh riot, let me tell ya. She truly believes that it is my lithium. That I'm having withdrawal symptoms (I'm subtherapeutic right now) and that I need to increase my dose. But to be safe I had an EKG, orthostatic blood pressures, a ton of blood work, and I get to wear a heart monitor for a month (no, not something like a FitBit - I have electrodes that attach to my chest and connect to a box with a button I push every time I have symptoms). And she wanted me to see my Pdoc ASAP. I already had an appointment with him on the 27th, but she wants me in sooner. Earliest I could get in is the 17th. That way we can discuss my depression and lithium.

I'm so tired right now. Not physically tired. Mentally. Emotionally tired. All I want to do is sleep to escape reality. See, sleep is like death but without the commitment. I don't have to deal with my feelings (or lack there of) while I'm asleep. And I've been sleeping more. Napping. Trying to stay in bed as late as I can in the mornings.

Withdrawing. I'm not interacting as much as I normally do. Some coworkers have noticed.

I'm trying. Fake it till ya make it, right? But it's getting hard anymore. It drains me so much. But still I try because what else am I going to do?

5/17/19

I'm sitting in bed trying hard to cry. Yes, you read that right. I'm trying to cry.

Why?

Because I can't.

I have no emotional response right now. No emotions. I feel so empty and hollow and flat. Anhedonic. There's just nothing there. And I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that if maybe I can cry I'll feel better. I'll have an emotional release and I'll be able to feel again. But I. Can't. Cry.

I felt like this yesterday as well. It feels so . . . bad. I feel down and depressed but I also feel nothing at all. I was at work. Which is bad. It means I have access to sharp objects. And I cut. Only once. And for a split second I could feel. For a split second I could feel. The emptiness left me and I felt grounded.

But it was only for a second and then the emptiness came flooding back around me. I was alone again in a world of billions.

This is where I'm at again today. Alone and empty and scared. What if this continues? What if it gets worse? What if?

I don't want to go back to doing ECT, but I can't go on like this. My biggest fear is that this continues and my Pdoc won't support me trying different meds or methods to get better. He'll be all about ECT. And he'll give me an ultimatum: ECT or find another psychiatrist. I can't do that. I don't want another Pdoc. He knows me.

In this regard I'm probably worrying over nothing and I keep telling myself that. Because it does nothing to help my mood. It just makes me anxious and feel worse.

I hate feeling like this. I want to cut again. I want to cry. I want to put my fist through the wall. I want to not exist.

I don't know what to do.

What do I do?

5/14/19

Ugh. I'm feeling pretty down today. And it's pretty freaking annoying. The past few days I'd been feeling better and then today -BOOM - down again. I'm trying to figure out why.

Let's talk about the good news though.

"Good" news.

We got another dog! Adopted her from a local rescue shelter. She is the sweetest, goofiest dog. We named her Moya. Which if you watch Farscape you'll get (our other dog is Zan). Anyway, we've been sorta looking for another dog for a month or so, checking the shelters here and there. On Saturday (today is Tuesday) we decided to go looking again just for goofs. We didn't expect that we would be coming home with a dog. But we took Moya on a walk and fell in love - my son especially. Long story short - she's ours!

So why the quotation marks around good above?

Well, getting a dog changes things up. It, in essence, throws my routine out the window. Things are different now. We need to get used to Moya and her quirks and mannerisms and she needs to get used to us and especially Zan (Zan is 16, deaf, and doesn't play well with others. Hell, she doesn't play at all). And the thing is, stupid as it may sound, this change up is hard for me to accept. Hard for me to deal with. Change is a hard concept for me to grasp. It terrifies me -  even when it's something as simple as getting a dog. You'd think I'd be happy - and I am, I guess - but I'm kind of struggling with this.

And it makes me feel horrible and stupid that I'm struggling with this. Which, of course, makes me feel worse. Nothing like bringing self hate to the party, am I right??

This is probably why I feel down today. I'm dealing with all of this stupidity in my head.

I'll work through it. Everything will be fine.

5/1/19

I want to write, I just don't know what to write about. I've been mildly depressed the past few weeks - some days more than mildly. Stuck as an emotionless husk (except for anger - I have lots of anger). And it just seems to be getting worse. I've even been having hallucinations again. I've gone months without those and now they're back.

I have therapy today at 2 and even though I'm depressed I don't know what I'm going to talk about. I mean, beat a dead horse much? I guess I can talk about body dysmorphia, seeing how I hate my fat and ugly self. So there's that. A topic! Go me!

I'm going to be having some new artwork soon. Hopefully. In maybe a different style than what I normally draw. I'm looking forward to that but am also scared because what if I fail? I get this crippling fear so much so that I don't even start. But I'm going to. I WILL! This week hopefully.

Wow. That's really it. I have no motivation to write or come up with anything even though I want to. Maybe I'll have more later. After therapy.

Who knows.

I'm out for now though. 

4/10/19

So yeah. Sitting here on the couch listening to Guster, who happens to be my favorite band. Trying to lift my mood. I've been down the past several days. Just this overwhelming sense of melancholy. The darkness is calling, whispering in my ear, and I'm trying my best to ignore it. But damn if it's not persistent.

I believe I know the trigger. On of Ayden's rats died. And that was sad in and of itself, but it shattered Ayden. And seeing him so sad, so utterly devastated, broke my heart. I wish I could have taken the pain away from him. I can't, of course. So instead I created my own. This mild depression that won't leave.

And then my mom. I don't really need to say more than that. But, for those who don't know, my mom is an alcoholic, has been one since before I was born, and I have lots of issues with her and my childhood. Well, she decided to try and go behind my back and have me taken off all of my meds. Why? Because her dose of Prilosec was halved by her doctor. So apparently all meds are bad now. Especially mine. All I can do is shake my head and silently mouth "you fucking bitch how dare you."

I've been dealing with a lot the past 5-6 days. No wonder my mood has taken a turn for the worse. I can only hope that with some time it will pick back up. I can't let this become a downward spiral.

Repeat: I can't let this become a downward spiral.

I have therapy next week. Tuesday. I'm hoping I'm doing better by then. Praying I'm doing better by then. Because this little bit of mild depression? No. I can't do it. I can't. And I sure as hell can't get worse.

I'll be better. I will.

3/22/19

Well. I'm having a bit of a rough go of it today. Which is annoying. My mood is down - not depressed - but down. And all because my brain is an asshole and won't shut up. My brain likes being an asshole, and it's good at it. Too good at it. What's it doing . . .?

I was getting ready this morning and happened to really look at myself in the mirror. I look at myself in the mirror all the time but this morning . . . this morning was different. I was immediately filled with self loathing. I could see every flaw, every wrinkle, every fold of fat. I could see it all. The bags under my eyes, the dull grey color of my eyes, how my hair was just laying there, no volume, no real style. How ugly and fat I was.

You look hideous. You look old and worn out. You're fat. Are you even trying to lose weight because it looks like you're gaining more. You're so frumpy. You have no sense of style. How does Jeremy even still love you? Ayden is embarrassed by you. You have wrinkles every where I can see your pores you don't do anything with your hair look how your stomach hangs you look pale I'm surprised Jeremy hasn't leftyouyou'reworthlessyouhavenothingtogivewhydon'tyoujustkillyourself . . . . . .

All of the negative thoughts started running together. It was hard to even separate them. My eyes welled up with tears as I stood there looking at myself and listening to my brain barrage me. I couldn't move. I was frozen there, trying my best not to cry because Ayden was in his room next door. I didn't want him to hear me.

Even 6 months ago this would have gotten to me. This would have hit me hard. Now, that's not to say that it didn't hit me. On the contrary. My mood went south in a heartbeat. But the difference between now and 6 months ago is now I'm stable. Now I know how to counter these thoughts and practice self care. And that's what I did. I countered these thoughts. I told myself that I was beautiful in and out. That even though I was overweight and not where I want to be that didn't make Jeremy love me any less. And you know what?

It kind of helped.

That sounds stupid, doesn't it? I'm sure you were waiting for me to say that it worked. That I went about my day feeling happy with no more negative self talk. But that's simply not true. That's, sadly, not how my brain works. It has been barraging me with negative comments all day. So much so that I feel mentally exhausted. But I'm countering them. I'm keeping myself from going deeper. I'm writing about it in hopes that this will help.

Six months ago I would have felt like shit. Today I feel down and worn out, but definitely not like shit. So I'd say that's progress.    

3/17/19

Man. It's been awhile since I've written anything again. I'm not sure what's up with that. But let's get right into it, shall we?

I'm having a little bit of a rough day today. It's not a bad day, not by any means, but it's definitely a little rough. I'm feeling a bit down and my mind is racing and I can't seem to focus on anything. Even sitting down to write this is proving difficult.

When I have days like this it's hard for me to remember that it's just a day. I immediately think that it must be the start of a new episode. That I'm going to get worse. That life as I know it - stability - is going to come crashing down around me. I try to remind myself that that's simply not the case and that it's just one day. But that doesn't seem to help. My mind races with doomsday scenarios and it tends to make my mood worse.

And you may remember from my last post that there's a part of me that wants this to happen (a very, very small part, but a part none the less). And this part rejoices and throws negative commentary at me, trying to instill a sense of hopelessness. Today that little ear worm is gaining strength.

And that pisses me off.

And not only that, I've been more flat lately. People at work have noticed as I've been more quiet. I'm just not . . . feeling. Not Like I had been. Not like I want to. That in and of itself is a downer. I need to be able to feel. What good is stability if I'm flat? If I'm anhedonic? I don't know, what do I know?

To counter this I've started taking a couple of supplements. L-tryptophan and D,L-phenylalanine. They're amino acids that convert to serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. They're supposed to help with depression. Now, technically I'm not depressed. I'm stable. I'm hoping, on the one hand, they help keep me stable. On the other hand, if they raise serotonin and dopamine, I'm hoping for maybe some hypomania. I know, I know. I shouldn't be playing around with crap like this. It's not necessarily safe. Or wise. But I just really want a wider range of emotion. I feel so muted. And I'm tired of it.

Last night and this morning were my first doses of the supplements. And so of course I feel down. I seem to have a bad track record with supplements. I plan on giving them at least a few days to see how I feel. Hopefully my next blog post will be more positive and uplifting.