Wednesday 4/27/22 Therapy

 I have therapy today, in two hours. This is the only reason I'm not still in bed and have showered. Because I'm going to therapy. Otherwise, today would be spent much like yesterday was - in bed. My mental health has taken a turn for the worse. I'm so empty that I don't care to do anything. Just sleep. It's easier that way. When I sleep I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. Which is bad. 

Yesterday I went to a work meeting first thing in the morning. When I got home I got back in bed and stayed there until I had lunch. Then - you guessed it - back to bed. I got up to pick my son up from school and did stay up after that, mainly because hubby got home and I didn't want him to see how bad I was feeling. I went to Latigo to volunteer last night and got to do more with the horses, which was nice. I pretended that everything was A-okay. It wasn't. I still was feeling so numb. 

I hoped that playing with horses last night would help me feel better this morning but no, I feel like crap. Took Ayden to school, had breakfast and coffee, and then back to bed. I did, however, force myself to get up and put away laundry and shower. I even put on makeup in an attempt to not feel so crappy about myself. I still feel crappy about myself. I'm exhausted (for no real reason), empty, numb, and down. And I feel fat and gross and ugly. And, on top of it all, I have a headache. So much fun. 

So yeah. Therapy today. I don't know what we'll go over. I know Mike had said last time (which was 6-7 weeks ago) that we needed to start revisiting my traumas. And we started that last time. But I certainly don't feel up to that today. I feel like curling up in a ball and not existing. Or going to sleep and not waking up until I feel better. I think revisiting trauma will make me feel even worse - not something that I need today. 

On top of me feeling like crap I'm trying to be present and helpful and supportive of two friends who are going through a rough time. So I'm pretending even more like everything is okay. How can I be supportive and empathetic if I don't have my shit together?? 

And then my mom. My fucking mom who thinks we have some close relationship that grants her the ability to call me 3 or more times a day for support and venting, etc ( we do NOT have a relationship, hardly at all, but certainly not the one she thinks we have). She's expecting me to support her emotionally because she has no friends to turn to and for some reason doesn't want to talk to her husband. No, she calls me drunk and crying, looking for support that I can't - and won't - give. It's not my responsibility to be my mother's parent and friend. I don't want that roll. Ever. Because again, we do not have any sort of healthy relationship. She's a major trigger for me - just getting a text from her sends my anxiety spiraling. 

All this fucking shit to deal with. And work. Of course work. It's been busy and annoying and all consuming. I work tomorrow and two Thursdays in May; days which I could be volunteering but can't. I can't find anyone to switch days with me so that I could maybe have one of those Thursdays off. But no. No one wants to switch because God forbid someone return the favor of helping me out. 

Anyway, that's enough venting I guess. We'll see how therapy goes today. And how my evening goes. And how my life goes.  

Friday 4/22/22 Blah

 It's warm today, like 75 degrees, but windy as all get out. I have the back door open so my dog Moya can go in and out as she pleases and the wind keeps blowing the screen door shut. Moya is not pleased by this. It's been windy every day for a couple of weeks now and I'm over it. So freaking tired of the wind. At least it's not cold as well.

Yesterday I spent the day out at Norris Penrose. All day in the sun and wind. It was warm yesterday too - warm enough I didn't need my hoodie or anything. The people in the morning session (9 of them) weren't as engaged as they were last week. This week we were focusing on mindfulness and several people couldn't stand being quiet with their thoughts. I can appreciate this as when I'm in a dark place I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, either. And the horses were all being butt heads. We went on a walk through the trails to a horse obstacle course and the horses didn't really want anything to do with it. It's a good exercise for the participants in being mindful and present - if you're not present your horse isn't going to listen to you. The afternoon group was more engaged, the horses were more cooperative, and I think it was a great learning experience for all. 

In between the two groups I got to "long rein" a horse, Thumper (who is sweet as can be). Imagine a carriage being pulled by a horse, but I'm the "carriage" walking behind the horse, directing him with a pair of long reins. It's pretty darn cool and fun! Thumper was a good boy for me. The other horse was a bit of a butt and wanted to eat poop instead of walk nicely. It was so fun though!

As of late I've just been really blah. Just kind of empty. The only time I really feel okay is when I'm working with the horses. Then I feel okay. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling down and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. Sleep. All day. But I went and worked with the horses and felt so much better. It was the same this past Tuesday when I went out to Latigo for my volunteering. Blah and a little down all day, better after being with the horses. They really are therapeutic for me. And knowing that I'm helping other people out by being there. That helps too. Otherwise, yeah. Just blah. 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of trying so hard to be okay. I'm so tired of pretending, putting on a show that everything is better. I feel better during and after working with the horses, but before - whether it's days of hours before - I'm a husk. Going through the motions. After being with the horses I think, hey, maybe I'm coming out of this depression. But then the next morning I wake up blah and empty and unmotivated. I'm not sure what more to do. And in May there are a couple of Thursdays that I'll miss because I'm working and no one will switch days with me. May 5th and the 19th. I'm not looking forward to missing these days. It makes me anxious. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it. 

Anyway, I did an ink drawing that I really like:

It's called "Bliss". And bliss is truly what I feel when I'm with the horses. It's my escape from myself. 

Tuesday 4/12/22 New Painting

 Figured I had better write today, as the rest of my week is jam packed. Like, no free time at all. I work Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday, and then Thursday I'll be at the riding center (Norris Penrose) from 8:30am - 3:30pm. I have a long 4 days coming up. At least Thursday I'll be with horses. As I will be this evening. And was yesterday. 

I'd say my mood has been pretty blah since my last post. The exception being last Friday where I woke up pretty depressed (I was also pretty depressed last Wednesday and Thursday). But I had a training class at Norris Penrose and was playing with horses for 3 hours and it helped lift my spirits. Other than that I've been pretty blah. Which is better than depressed . . . but still not great. I don't want to be blah. I want to be more than that. I'm definitely lacking in the motivation department. Hardly doing anything but the bare minimum. Which I hate. But I can't seem to bring myself to do anything. Ugh.

So, Thursdays, when I'm able to, I'll be at Norris Penrose as a horse handler, working with kids and adults with mental health issues (mostly anxiety and depression, but some personality disorders as well). I'm looking forward to this. A lot. THIS is what I want to do, a lot more so than being a side walker, which is what I am out at Latigo. So I'm going to be trying to get every Thursday off, as well as Tuesdays. We'll see how that goes. 

Anyway, I did manage to paint today. A painting of a horse eye that I'm pretty proud of. It's titled, "Window to the Soul". 

It was nerve racking to paint! But I'm happy with the outcome. It's 5X7, watercolor. 

So yeah. That's all I've got for today. Two more weeks until I have therapy. 

Wednesday 4/6/22 Therapy?

 I'm supposed to have therapy tomorrow morning at 0800. But now I'm not. Mike texted me this morning, needing to cancel and reschedule our appointment (he has a sick family member he needs to visit). Which is fine, I guess, except now I have to wait another 3 weeks. That will be 6 weeks between appointments. Which, I guess, isn't so bad. Right? It's not like I'm in crisis or something. But, truth be told, I was wanting that appointment tomorrow. Really wanting it. And now it's not for another 3 weeks. Which, let's be honest, kind of sucks. 

When I saw the text from Mike this morning my heart sank. I felt kind of crushed. I teared up. I probably would have cried if I was able to muster up any emotion. But I get it. Family comes first. I just wish it didn't make me feel so crappy. And I feel like I'm selfish for feeling this way. Which makes me feel guilty. Which makes me feel more crappy. And I'm having an off day anyway, which makes me feel crappy. And then I tried to paint and ruined a painting, which makes me feel crappy. It's all around a crappy day for me. Way to be negative, self.

Yesterday I had my first volunteering shift at the riding center. I'm a side walker right now, which means I walk along side the horse and help keep the rider stable, help keep him focused on the task at hand. The class was an hour long, from 1715 - 1815. Kind of late, but oh well. It was the only opening they had for a regular position on Tuesdays. And it was good. It was fun. At least, I say it was fun. In all actuality I'm numb and blah and withdrawn. It was better than I thought it was going to be, but I think I'm trying to convince myself that I had fun. But I got to smell the barn smells and scratch some horses and get some exercise . . . so that was good. And it's the only way I can get my foot in the door to hopefully do more with the horses (like mucking stalls and grooming). So that was yesterday. 

I'm still very much just going through the motions of life. No real joy or happiness or contentment. I feel hollow, empty, like nothing matters so why try. And it's a real shitty way to feel. I'm so sick of it. It's this constant low level depression that just won't go away. I'm unfeeling. I've been drawing and painting quite a bit, but I'm not getting pleasure out of it - I'm doing it to pass the time. It distracts me so I don't wallow in how empty and pointless I feel. I'm so hoping that being around horses again will help. Because I don't know what else to do. The only thing treatment wise I have left to try is ketamine - and I'd rather avoid that if I can. I hate feeling so numb though. Maybe I really do need to see Dr. Marciniak again, see if there's any med tweak we can try. I don't know. I'm pretty sure there isn't. Horses are kind of my last ditch effort. 

Anyway, I guess I should end this on a positive note, right? Not be so negative. So here's a couple of brush style horses I painted yesterday:

 

I really like this style. It's loose and freeing. We'll end with that. 

Thursday 3/31/22 Ugh

 Tomorrow is April. Time seems to be flying by, but also feels like it's at a standstill. It's weird. I'm looking forward to warmer weather and sunshine. I want to do more hiking and walks this summer, horseback riding and lounging outside. I'd really like to. I want to be more active, lose more weight (I've hit a plateau). I want to make memories. 

But my brain hates me.

I've been so numb lately. So blah in everything I do. There's no passion in me. Hell, there's nothing in me - I'm an empty husk. I can play it off that I'm okay, for the most part. I'd say most people can't tell that I'm struggling. But my fuse is getting shorter. I'm getting more irritable and down. But still so empty. I keep feeling like if I could just cry - get it all out - I'd feel so much better. But I can't. I physically can't cry. There's nothing there. No emotion. I've tried forcing it to no avail. Because there is nothing there. I'm so numb and empty and blah. Anhedonia and apathy are my playmates from hell. And I hate this. So. Fucking. Much. 

I woke up this morning feeling pretty low. I had no motivation for anything. I didn't want to leave bed. What's the point? But I did. I took Ayden to school, had breakfast, then went back to bed. For an hour. I had to force myself to get up and shower. But I did. And I went downstairs and painted a little bit. But I didn't enjoy it. And I think my work shows that. So I stopped. I had lunch, did laundry, and now I'm writing all of this. I'm so tired of feeling nothing. I'm so tired of faking emotions. I'm so tired of everything. Why do I have to go through this? All. The. Time. All. My. Life. I'm sick of it. I'm seriously considering calling in sick to work tomorrow, just so I don't have to pretend. Because nothing brings me joy or happiness or satisfaction or contentment or anything. I feel nothing or I feel irritable. What a way to live. 

I keep thinking I should be grateful that I'm not deep in a bad depression. That I'm not fighting suicidal thoughts (though I still have them from time to time). But somehow . . . this almost feels worse. I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone expects me to be okay. And I think that people would be tired of it if they knew the truth. I mean, I'm tired of it, why wouldn't they be?

So I'm floating along, trying to keep my head above water. It's not easy. Nothing is easy. Ever. I hate this. So. Much. And while I teared up writing this, I can't fucking cry.

Wednesday 3/23/22 HORSES!

 So guys, I woke up in a bad mood this morning. Cranky, down, yucky. Just not in a good place. Even knowing I was going to spend time with horses today. It was very annoying and I couldn't seem to shake it. I spent some time drawing this morning (horses, of course), and just felt very blah and down. I had an early lunch and drove out to the barn where I was meeting Nancy (long time acquaintance and friend - she was my "person" when I went through equine facilitated psychotherapy myself). Well, she owns her own equine facilitated psychotherapy practice now and invited me out to see the horses and chat.

I got to the barn right before noon and as I stepped out of my truck and breathed deep . . . it's like I was transported to a better place. There's something about the smell of horses, hay, and manure that just make a girl feel at home. I didn't realize how much I missed that smell until I was there. I walked inside and found Nancy. We talked and loved on horses for over an hour. It wasn't ideal, though, because the weather was crap (cold and incredibly windy out). We made the best of it. She showed me around the indoor stalls and arena, we went outside (we didn't stay outside long because of the wind), and she invited me to come and volunteer with her organization! Guys - I'm so excited! And honored that she wants me to volunteer (she said herself she's picky about who she has as volunteers). So far I'll be doing Thursday mornings in June, working with some tweens. There's no riding - just working with the kids as they navigate horsemanship, learning about themselves in the process. Eeeeeek! 

For a long time I've thought about getting into the mental health field. I've looked for per diem day shifts at the local inpatient mental health facilities (to no avail) and had even considered diving in full time into mental health. I've had these thoughts for years (I've even toyed with the idea of going back to school to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner). So how wonderful is it that I get to help Nancy out with kids fighting anxiety or depression?! SO wonderful! And I get to do it with HORSES! I'm hoping this is a great opportunity for me. Maybe - just maybe - I can eventually get my PATH certification and do this as a side job . . . ahh, the dreams I have. 

Anyway, here's Titan, a very good boy who loved scritches from me and was very interested in me.

I almost forgot how soft horse's noses are! It's like heaven! I can't wait to be around them more again!

Thursday 3/17/22 Therapy

 Happy St Patty's Day! If you celebrate that, I guess. I don't. It's just another day for me. 

Anyway, I had therapy today and boy was it a hoot! Not really. That was sarcasm. It was difficult. Why? Because we jumped right into TRAUMA WORK. Ugh. Something that I thought we'd done in the past - which we have, a little - but now we're revisiting it because Mike thinks it will be helpful for me. 

It's interesting, because I've been reading a book on trauma (I mentioned it in my post 2 weeks ago). Trauma in dealing with my alcoholic mother and growing up in an alcoholic home, with neglect and instability. But what Mike brought up first was my rape. My rape that happened 23 or 24 years ago. Why the rape? Well, I always bring my artwork in to show Mike and he commented today that he's never seen me draw a male figure. Which I haven't. I don't. He asked why. The reason is that I don't necessarily find the male body attractive like I do the female body (no, I'm not gay). I've never drawn the male body and therefor wouldn't be very skilled at doing so. And if I'm doing art that's representing myself, it will always be female (duh!). He asked if I was afraid of what the male body represented and I was all what? *cock head to side as if trying to understand* He said that since I was raped by a man that maybe the male body (drawing it, at least) subconsciously reminds me of that. Again I was like, what? He then asked if I had ever had a flashback to that day. Which the answer is yes, yes I have. It doesn't happen often (rarely), but I have. So he said that we needed to talk about it. 

So we did. I've compartmentalized the event and shoved it far back into the recesses of my mind. When it comes up I don't deal with it - I push it away. I figured this was a good thing. But Mike (and the trauma book I'm reading) said I need to acknowledge the trauma, feel it, and work through it. Which sounds awful if you ask me. But we talked about it. And I felt sick to my stomach. And I felt anger and fear and humiliation. And then Mike centered me and grounded me back in the here and now. Remembering the rape is almost dreamlike for me. It's fuzzy around the edges. But we brought it back into focus which was pretty horrible. But then I got to move on. 

Mike then asked me about other memories, childhood memories. If they were dreamlike as well or if some were more concrete. I told him about when I was in 5th grade I got to leave school on Friday's to go to Bemis Art School. I rode a bus there. And I remember sitting with my head against the window, looking out at the road, wondering why I wasn't happy like all the other kids were. Why did I struggle? Why did I feel so bad? Mike had me do a visualization exercise. I had to imagine that I had 10 year old me sitting in my lap. He had me "hug" her and say to her what I would say to 10 year old me who was in that situation. And it felt so weird and so uncomfortable and I was self conscious. But, to my surprise, I welled up with emotion and started to cry. I started to cry, people. I haven't been able to cry for months. And I cried, "holding" this 10 year old me in my lap. Mike gave me a few minutes and then had me take some deep breaths. He had me "pull" 10 year old me into my heart and hold her there. To keep her safe and to realize that she's a part of me. I don't need to compartmentalize her and push her away. I can feel her, support her, and let her go. 

So yeah. Trauma work. It's hard. It's full of icky feels. And it's something I get to do for a while. I'm not really looking forward to it. At all. But, maybe it will help with my depression. 

In other news, nothing much else is going on. I'm painting horses, working, napping. Not much else. I have bad days and I have blah days. Blah is about as good as it gets. Blah is not fun. I don't feel much joy or happiness or contentment (not really any). Which sucks. I'm just floating along through life, trying to keep my head above water. The only thing I'm looking forward to is volunteering at the riding center (my orientation is April 2nd). Being with horses is good. They are my zen. 

Here. Have a horse to look at. This post was depressing.