Tuesday 9/26/23 Birthday

 Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 45. I'm not one of those people who are upset about aging, but man - I'm getting close to 50! Holy cow! I spent the day at work. And, not surprisingly, it was a shit show. Again. I'm so sick of it always being this way. Even did compressions on a baby for 3.5 minutes. Happy birthday to me. But what was nice was I came home from work to find that Jer had decorated a little bit for my birthday, gotten me a card and a cake and my favorite candy bar and gotten my a cute little succulent. That was nice. I was glad for that - it helped.

This morning I talked with a gal from Post University about their PMHNP program (psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner). And I just ordered my transcripts from UCCS (where I got my BSN from). This is terrifying y'all. I'm doing it. I'm going to go back to school. I'm going to become a nurse practitioner. In mental health. Oh MAN this is scary. But I can do it. I know I can. I just need to convince myself of that. And that's hard. So hard. I have low self esteem. I never think I'm good enough. I have imposter syndrome. So convincing myself that I can go back to school, to get my NP, is tough. But I'm determined. I've talked with some people at work about it and they all think I should do it and that I would be good at being a mental health practitioner. This gives me hope. Other people believe I can do it, maybe I can believe that myself. I have a lot of work to do - both before I enroll and after (obviously after - I'll be in school!). I could start as early as October 16th. Wow. Maybe that's too soon. Maybe November would be better. I don't know. I just know that I'm scared and excited. Schooling will require 16-20 hours a week. Which is a lot. Especially on top of working full time. All of my free time is going to be spent studying. Wow. Courses are 8 weeks, one course at a time. Which feels more doable. Sort of. A regular semester is 16 weeks, so it's still like I'm taking 2 classes a semester, they're just not concurrent. Two years and 10 months to complete. Wow. I mean, the time is going to pass no matter what, I might as well be doing something with it, right? This is crazy.

I'm going to stop now. I have a headache and things to do. And I'm a ball of anxiety. Mild anxiety, but anxiety none the less.  

Wednesday 9/20/23 Stuff n Stuff

 Welp, here we are again, hanging out on my blog. I'm in a 3 day stretch of being off from work and it's glorious. I worked Sunday and Monday, and I work Friday. And I don't want to go in on Friday. It's still a literal dumpster fire at work. An understaffed shit show. And I'm so tired and burnt out. Monday made me not want to do my job anymore. We had 8 deliveries before 1pm and it was getting unsafe. My coworker and I voiced our concerns, only to be shot down by management, saying we were not in the position to make that decision. Basically saying that our concerns didn't matter and they weren't going to even look into them. Wow, okay. Thanks for that. Thanks for making us feel valued. 

I'm thinking more and more that I want to go back to school for my PMHNP (psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner). I've been researching schools and talking with coworkers who are getting their NP right now. Most of them are getting their family practice NP, so my trajectory will be a bit different, but at least I'm getting an idea. The prospect of going back to school is truly terrifying. I'm scared. It's going to be hard and different and costly. It's going to take time. It's going to take a lot of effort. And it's really, really scary. I haven't been in school for over 17 years. I haven't yet worked in psych but it's what I want my NP in. So that's scary too. I have no experience in psych. How much harder will that make my schooling? I have personal experience . . . but no working experience. Oy. I'm almost paralyzed with fear. I read a quote today that said, "if nothing changed over the next 10 years, would you be happy?" And it got me thinking, would I be happy? No, I don't think I would be. In my private life, yes, because my private life is good. But my work life? No. I've been doing the same thing for 15 years. The past 4 or so years have been trying. Have been difficult. And the burnout is real, y'all. I'm finding myself not enjoying my job. I'm more cynical and angry. I have less empathy and tolerance and patience. I don't like who I am when I'm at work. I don't feel valued or appreciated. Even by coworkers. I feel like I'm done. Like I need to move on, find something else. And that something else just happens to involve more education. But I'm scared. 

I just finished an online psychiatric first aid course. Just a little something I figured I'd try, test the waters I guess you could say. And I did fine. It would be cool to take a psychology class or two to get a feel of what being back in school is like, but I'm not really finding anything online that I don't have to be enrolled in college to take. I think it would be helpful. I need to relearn APA format for writing papers. I haven't written a paper in FOREVER. Can I even write a paper?? My coworker says she has a paper to write about every other week. They're not long papers - 2-5 pages - but still. That's a lot of papers for someone who hasn't written anything in almost 20 years. So scary. But I can do hard things, right? Sure I can. Sure I can. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm leaning more and more on taking the leap. Going back to school. It'll just be hard. I'll still have to work full time, which sucks. But there's no way around that. I'll have to make it work. At least I don't have small children to take care of. Ayden takes care of himself (now if he would just start driving . . .). 

Okay. That's all for today. I'm waiting for a call from Chamberlain University to discuss their PMHNP program. So scary.

Thursday 9/14/23 Therapy

 I had therapy this morning. In fact, I just got home from it. It was a good and productive session, but damn was I emotional. Anger and sadness. Sadness and anger. Lots of both. I don't necessarily know if I want to get into deep details here . . . I guess we'll just see what I write.

I'm still angry at work. I still don't want to go to work. And my anger is getting to the point where I'm going to break something or break down crying. Or both. And it's exhausting. I'm trying so hard to be a happy, positive, functioning adult yet I'm overwhelmed by this anger. I'm so tired of it. Something has to give. I don't know how to process or handle my anger. It's such an uncomfortable feeling and every time I think I'm getting the hang of it I go to work and it resurfaces. What kind of bullshit is that? My anger is directly stemming from work. From people I care for and love leaving, from all the changes going on, from being super busy and understaffed all the time, and from feeling trapped and stagnant in my position. I could apply for the charge nurse position, that would be something different. But then I'd just have a ton more stress and responsibility for a whopping $1 more an hour. Is that what I really want? I can look for a job somewhere else, but it will probably just be same shit, different location (and I'd be starting over). At least where I'm at I know the shit and the people I work with. But I do feel stagnant. Stuck. Bored sometimes with the work I do. Like I need something different and challenging. But what? I've toyed with the idea of going back to school for years, but it scares me. I've always thought I wanted to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner, that this was my calling. But school really scares me. What if I fail? What if I invest tons of time and money and fail? Or, worse, what if I succeed and hate it? Then what do I do?

I have all these thoughts and feelings and more coursing through me right now and I can't seem to figure anything out. I have tunnel vision. I'm confused as to what to do and clouded by my anger. I have homework to do - to talk with Jeremy about all of this and get his opinion on it. Which I will, tonight. Hopefully it will add some clarity. Because right now I'm lost. And it sucks.

In other news, a few nights ago my mom got really drunk and fell. Broke 6 ribs. She was in the hospital for 2 days. I'm supposed to call her today but I really don't feel like it. I don't want to hear the lie she comes up with as to why she fell. It sucks that she fell and is in a ton of pain. I feel awful for that. I feel bad for her. But at the same time I don't. She's never going to learn that it's her alcoholism causing this. That she fell because she was piss drunk. That she's fallen because of it before (4 or 5 times) and that she'll continue to fall and deteriorate because of it. She just doesn't see that and it's frustrating. It's like dealing with a toddler. I don't want to see her hurt but it's kind of like, what is it going to take for her to admit that she has a problem? I don't see how her husband can be okay with this. I don't know. The whole situation is fucked.

Anyway, that's all I feel like writing today. I feel emotionally drained, my dog is gassy and farting up a storm, and I'm tired.

 

Friday 9/8/23 Ketamine

 

I drew this yesterday. And this - me hating people - is why I had a ketamine infusion today. 

See, I've been very angry as of late. About everything. Like, literally everything. My sock slightly twisted? Angry. Work? Angry. I have to pee? AGAIN?? Angry. Life in general? Angry. And I've been feeling more melancholy as well. Not all the time - but more frequently. This is usually the first sign of a depressive episode coming on for me. Anger and melancholy. The anger isn't as common as the melancholy, but it's definitely a signal I need to pay attention to. So I did. And had a ketamine infusion to nip the depression in the butt (my therapist will be proud of me - she suggested I have an infusion at our last session). 

Today's infusion was relaxing and random. Lots of purples and dark blues. At one point it felt like I was laying on the forest floor, looking up at the stars. The next moment I was watching polar bears run and wondering if "walrus" was a real word (I saw walruses as well). It still feels like a strange word to me. The infusions are so hard to describe because everything is swirling and moving and flowing and changing form one minute to the next. There's no real sense of self or time. The meditation music I listen to feels alive and pulses with the colors and shapes. Everything is very abstract and fluid. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in a small and comforting place. Other times in vast expanses with no end in sight. But the whole experience is warm and calm and relaxing and invokes wonder and awe. 

Let's be honest though - I was trippin' balls, y'all. Just in a safe and legal way. I don't really understand how ketamine helps depression (I'm not sure science quite understands it), but it helps and is another tool at my disposal. So I'll use it. Hopefully I'll be a little more compassionate and empathetic and a little less angry. One can hope.

Tuesday 8/29/23 Work Sucks

 Man oh man does work suck. I don't mean in general (although work in general does suck) - I mean my job. Right now. Fucking sucks. I am soooooo not happy at my job right now. And I'm not the only one. Lots of people are unhappy. There's lots of shit going on right now that's not good. Let's start from the top and trickle our way down, shall we?

My hospital organization, Centura, has been bought out by another entity called Common Spirit. Common Spirit seems to only be concerned with money. The bottom line. Not employees. Not patients. Money. There have been tons of cuts made - with food service, with housekeeping, with CNAs, with nurses. They want us running on a skeleton crew. Because they're trying to save money. Come January our benefits will probably be changing (I'm guessing not for the better). We were told no raises this year - not even cost of living. My direct manager quit. Our head of women's services (who was my manager's manager) quit. Our administrative assistant, who does about a million things for our unit, quit. My best friend is quitting. Managers on other units are quitting. Everyone is jumping ship. I loved my manager. She was amazing. I loved our head of women's services. She was amazing. I loved our administrative assistant. She was amazing. My best friend? Also amazing. It sucks so hard to see them go. And it makes one wonder - what did they know that I don't know?

We hired a new manager, one of our charge nurses who was also a clinical coordinator (basically assistant manager). Now, while I like her as a person, she is very much a "yes sir" type of person. She'll go along with and enforce whatever the higher ups are telling her. I don't see her standing up for our unit. Don't get me wrong - she's a damn hard worker - I just don't see her backing us up. This is worrisome to me. 

Back to running on a skeleton crew. Our new "grid" (basically the guidelines on how to staff our unit) is tight. And the higher ups keep tightening it. We are no longer allowed to have CNAs. Now, our CNAs do a shit ton of work. And now, without them, this work is left to the nurses to do. So now we have our jobs to do, along with the jobs of the CNAs. Oh! And did I mention we have to do all our own lab draws now too? Because apparently its too much money to have phlebotomists on hand. We're also taking more patients than we were in the past. So now we have a heavier load while doing the jobs of three people. But here's the kicker - probably 3/4 of our nurses are NOT doing the CNA's jobs. Nope. They're relying on people like me (who works nursery) to do their portion of the CNA jobs. They're too lazy or "too good" to do these jobs (paperwork, cleaning cribs, stocking rooms, making coffee, cleaning up, doing baby baths). So they flat out don't do it. They figure that nursery or nursery backup should do it. Mind you, we have patients of our own to take care of while also attending deliveries (EVERY. SINGLE. DELIVERY.) and taking care of those babies (which is time consuming). Yesterday we did 10 deliveries on day shift - I barely had time to sit down, let alone worry about doing everyone else's jobs for them. I mean, what the actual fuck?? Most of these nurses don't realize what we do in nursery, how busy it is, and how much work it is. They just expect us to do everything. This is beyond frustrating. We need to work as a team and help each other out - NOT push off our work onto other people. 

So now we have added work, we're not working as a team, and we're getting burnt out. What does this lead to? Sick calls. People are calling in sick because they're burnt out and tired. Which makes us even more short staffed. Yesterday we were down two nurses on mom/baby and we did 10 deliveries - we didn't have nurses to take those patients but we still had to. So everyone ends up with even more patients to take care of. We are stretched to the max. And it's like this Every. Single. Day. I'm so sick of it. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. And I'm so over it. Everyone is. Morale on the unit is at an all time low. It's a very negative space to be in. I'm so bitter and angry when I'm at work and I don't know how to fix it. I almost cried numerous times yesterday because I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. And again - this is every single day at work. We don't get a break. I hate it. I've been in the birth center for 15 years and I'm starting to hate it. A job I once loved. And I don't know how to fix it. 

So. What do I do? I've thought about leaving, quitting. But I can't do that at least until December. Why? Because I had signed a two year contract for a monetary bonus. That contract isn't up until December. If I quit before then I have to pay back the money I received. And I can't afford to do that. So I'm stuck until at least December. And then I think, well, where would I go? What would I do? Our other major hospital system here, UC Health, isn't any better. It would probably be the same shit, different facility. The only other area I'm interested in working in is psych. But my psychiatrist and therapist and pretty much everyone I'm close to thinks inpatient psych would be a bad choice for me. Which, I can see that. I'd be seeing people at their absolute worst, giving them a bandaid, and sending them on their way. It would be stressful and possibly triggering. My therapist was suggesting working in an outpatient psych setting but I don't know what that would look like. My other problem is that I have to work day shift - I physically and mentally can't do night shift. I'll either become manic or suicidal. Those are not options I'm willing to face. So what the fuck do I do? I mean, for now I have to ride it out until December. But then what? I have no idea.

That's another thing that's going to suck - December. Because we're going to have nurses leave - which will leave us even more short staffed. I just don't even know what to do anymore. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Monday 8/21/23 Therapy

 I had therapy last Thursday and we covered a variety of topics: work, my physical health, art, and my best friend Lesley most likely moving out of state. My friend moving is what I want to focus on today.

See, I don't have many friends. People whom I consider good friends. Aside from my hubby, I have two. Yep. Only two. Beth and Lesley. And Lesley is my best friend. I've known her for 15 years. She's always been there for me, no matter what I've needed. And now . . . well, now she's probably moving out of state, back to Ohio. And I haven't really acknowledged this fact. In fact, I've been ignoring it and it's implications. Which came up with full force in therapy.

Becky asked me about my friends and other relationships. Most of my other "friends" are just people I'm friendly with at work - they're not people whom I consider friends. I casually mentioned that Lesley was going to most likely be moving and Becky asked me to elaborate on that. And so I did. And I got emotional. It took everything I had not to start crying which caught me off guard. See, mostly I've been frustrated with Lesley as of late. I haven't really thought of her actually moving. And apparently, this is going to be rough for me. 

Some back story on Lesley: she's an introvert. Very much so. She'd rather be at home more than anywhere else. Each year for my, Beth's, and her birthdays we would go out and get coffee. Give gifts. Have a good time. The past two years it's been like pulling teeth to get her to leave her house - even for this. We don't ask much of her - we know she's an introvert. But now it's getting worse. She's had a rough year - she lost two of her three dogs (her dogs are like her kids to her) and had back surgery, from which she's still recovering. I get that it's been a rough year for her, I do. But she's becoming even more reclusive because of it, if that's even possible. She's turning inward and giving in to her misery and isn't doing anything to help herself. She won't let anyone - including Beth and I - to do anything for her. I just see her getting worse and worse. If she didn't have her dog, Kevin, I think she'd throw in the towel. Which worries me, greatly. 

Since she's been on FMLA (which has been about 10 weeks, I think), it seems as though she's given up on life completely. She's giving up on everything she has. She's had a realtor come to her house, she's packing, she's making sure she has her nursing license squared away in Ohio . . . she's set on selling her house, moving back home to Ohio, and getting a nursing job where she doesn't have to leave her house. And she's being rather secretive about all of this. She's giving hints but isn't coming outright and saying it. I have to pry it out of her. I feel as though she's pulling away from us to try and make it easier on herself. 

All of this frustrates me and makes me angry. But, what I didn't realize, is how sad it's making me. Talking with Becky brought the sadness out. And I don't know what to do with it or how to handle it. Lesley leaving is going to be a loss I have to go through. We'll still text and send each other memes and face time, but it's not going to be the same. I won't see her at work. I can't just go over to her house or out to coffee with her. I'm going to miss her. And I didn't realize the impact of this until talking to Becky about it. The whole situation sucks. I want Lesley to be happy, but I don't want her to go. Which feels awfully selfish of me. 

Becky said I should write a letter to Lesley, telling her gently how I feel. And I thought I would. But I got home from therapy last Thursday feeling drained and I didn't. And then I swept my feelings under the rug and forgot about them. Or at least tried to. Until now. So here I am, writing everything out. I don't know what I would say to Lesley. I don't know how to put it gently. I don't want to make her feel bad. I don't want to make this harder for her. But my feelings matter too, I guess. So, here goes.

Lesley. You are my best friend and I love you. I wish you knew how much people cared about you. I wish you knew how much I care about you. I wish things were different and you hadn't have had such a rough year. But it feels like you're running away and giving up. It feels like you're pushing me away and not letting me in any more. It feels shitty. I want nothing more than for you to be happy but I feel like you're going about it the wrong way. And yes - I feel shitty and selfish for saying that. I don't want you to get to Ohio and still be unhappy, but now you have no support and no one that you know to help you. I'm going to miss you. Even though you drive me crazy sometimes, I'm going to miss you. Texting and face timing are not the same as seeing you in person and I'm worried that our friendship will suffer because of it. I feel it already has. I feel like you're not treating this as the big deal that it is. This is a huge life change and it's going to affect all of us, for better or worse. Most likely for worse. I don't want you to change your mind because of me. I want you to be happy. I just don't want to lose you as a friend and have you push me away because you think it'll be easier that way. It won't be. I'm angry and frustrated and sad. And I don't know how to tell you any of this without hurting your feelings or making you feel bad. I'm sorry for this. I just need you to know that you are loved and you are going to be missed. 

I don't know what else to say. I feel what I've written is not very good. In all honesty, I don't think I would show it to her. Unless I showed her this whole blog post for context. I hate the situation. I wish she could be happy here. I wish she wasn't leaving. I wish it didn't feel like I was losing my best friend. 

And yes, I'm crying. 

 

Tuesday 8/15/23 Results

 Well hello there. I saw the functional medicine practitioner yesterday and got the results of my bloodwork: my thyroid is fine. Which is, I guess, good news, right? But then why am I having symptoms? Well, I have other stuff wrong with me. Mainly gut issues. Absorption issues. My body is not utilizing what I'm giving it. Not even water - my labs showed me to be pretty dehydrated (even though I drink tons of water, my body just isn't using it at a cellular level - I just pee it all out). I'm really low in key nutrients: magnesium, zinc, calcium, protein. All of which can give me hypothyroid like symptoms and depression. My iron is double what it should be - meaning my body isn't utilizing it as it should and this is what's likely causing my heart palpitations (excess iron is often deposited around the heart). My kidney functioning is down, my fasting blood sugar was elevated (they said probably due to reactive hypoglycemia), and my cholesterol wasn't stellar. It was lots of information. After this information dump they went over the gist of the plan they laid out for me. Detox, remove major food groups then slowly reintroduce them to see what's causing me gut inflammation, exercise, supplements, more blood work, meeting with them every other week for 6 months . . . all for the low, low price of $7600. Oh. My. God. I knew their program was going to be expensive, but $7600??? I was thinking around 2-3 grand. So that really just made it unavailable to me. So yeah. No working with them right now. So I did some research and found a new multivitamin without iron (which they suggested), a good magnesium supplement, and digestive enzymes to help my body use nutrients. I don't know how I'm going to get over being dehydrated - I drink around 70-80oz of water a day. I don't think I can drink more than that - especially with how much it makes me pee (I mean, I got up 4 times last night to pee!). I'm going to try and eat more whole foods and cut out refined sugar where I can. I'm taking a good probiotic. I'm trying to exercise consistently. 

Speaking of exercising, I've been doing yoga. Every day for 7 days straight so far. And I'm loving it. I look forward to it. I'm even getting up early before work to do it (3 days so far). I ordered a Pilates bar with bands so I can start doing some Pilates (something else I'm looking forward to and excited about). Yesterday I did chest and arms; today I did shoulders and back (lifting). Thursday I'll do legs. Like, I'm trying. I haven't felt excited about working out for a loooooong time. Years. But with yoga and Pilates I'm getting excited about it. About getting stronger and transforming my body. I really want to do this and that's something I haven't felt for years. And maybe getting this bloodwork back is the kick in the pants I need to really start taking care of myself. Now if only I could change my mindset . . .

Mindset. That's something else I need to work on. I'm okay when I'm not at work. Maybe a little blah here and there, but mostly okay. But at work, man. I'm just not happy. I'm not enjoying myself. I'm struggling. I find it hard to engage with people, to connect with patients. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been going out of my way to help people - instead I retreat and hide away. Which is not how I want to be. But I don't know how to change it. I'm burnt out. I'm tired. And I don't know if it's just depression making me feel this way or if I really need to change jobs. I'm just so worried that if I change jobs I'll be unhappy there, too. At least where I'm at I know my job and the people I work with. Starting over is so scary. Everything just feels so . . . stagnant. And I've been feeling this for awhile. For the better part of a year. It's getting more and more pronounced as time moves on. To the point where I dread going to work. And, what makes it hard too is that I don't have many friends. I have people I'm friendly with, but not many actual friends. My best friend Lesley is out on FMLA and most likely not coming back. In fact, she's probably moving to Ohio. My other good friend, Beth, only works weekends so I rarely see her. And my friend Tracy, I hardly ever see her. Like, I don't think I've seen her once in the past month. Everyone else are coworkers who I can mostly be friendly with, but don't really open up to. And that makes for a long day when you aren't really talking and don't want to be there in the first place. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do. 

So anyway, I guess I'll leave you with some artwork:

This is "Mushroom", part of my Growth series. I like how he turned out. It's 5X7, ballpoint pen.