Monday 9/7/20 Labor Day

 Anger. I haz it. Big time. Anger, annoyance, irritability, RAGE, frustration. It's all there. Taking over. Making me miserable. Making everyone around me miserable. I don't know what's up. But man has it been rough the past several days. 

I'm not sure what triggered this anger. It seemingly came out of nowhere. And it's quite evident. I'm not hiding it well. I'm taking things too personally, getting hurt at the slightest comment. It's stupid, honestly. And I hate it. I fucking hate it. Everything is setting me off it seems. 

Why?

I really have no bloody idea. I've tried doing a root cause analysis to no avail. Since it's so varied as to what sets me off . . . there's no pattern. There's no reason. I'm worried it's because I'm off of my lithium. I've been off of it for almost a full 3 weeks. Withdrawals? I don't know. It doesn't seem likely . . . but . . . there's always a chance I guess. 

What else . . . that time of the month? HA! That's rich. No, I haven't had hormonal mood swings since having my hysterectomy 11 years ago. So I wouldn't think that's it. Maybe a build up of everything going on? I'm talking about 2020. You know - covid, riots, lock down, a progressively more and more drunk mother (who annoys the ever living FUCK out of me), root canal, jaw pain, trouble peeing . . . (I haven't mentioned that last one before; I'm totally having trouble peeing - initiating a stream, emptying my bladder, etc, it's pretty awesome and by awesome I mean seriously what the fuck body can't you do anything right??). 

So yeah. That's where I'm at. Angry. Frustrated. And trying desperately not to be. But I'm really having trouble containing it. AND, just for fun, I keep getting these existential crisis moments where I question what the hell is the point of living and my mood drops. I've been somewhat okay at countering these moments but damn, really? Do I really need this too?

The answer is no. No I don't. But my stupid brain insists that this is necessary. If I could, I'd stab my brain with a fork. 

I really wish I had therapy sooner than the 24th. Ugh.

In other news, I cut my hair. Again. It's short, y'all. Like, too short I think. I'm not really digging it. Everyone keeps telling me how cute it is and that it suits me, blah blah blah, but I don't know. I'm really self conscious about it and I've only had it cut for 2 days. Hubby made jokes about me having the same hairstyle as him. Ha ha ha fuck you. Not funny when I'm kinda fragile right now. I know this is fueling my anger. Feeling crap about myself isn't good for anything. Except feeling like crap. Oh well, it'll grow I guess. Slowly. Excruciatingly slowly. 

Anyway, that's what's going on. Anger and existential crises and a bad haircut. WTF.    

Saturday 8/29/20 - Well Damn

 Only a few days since my last post. Kinda weird, eh? Yeah. I'm having an off day today. Very cranky, a little down, a lot frustrated. See, the past 2 months I've been feeling damn good. Happy and content and good. And today . . . I'm not. And it really is very frustrating. Now, I know my moods are going to fluctuate. I know this. But that doesn't mean I want them to. Why can't I just be rainbows and sunshine all the time? Why do I have to have off days?

When I have an off day I think my depression is coming back. That all the hard work I put into doing my program isn't working. And that scares me. And tends to compound my bad mood. I start a spiral. A downward spiral. And this is not a good thing. It brings me back to my old habits. Habits I'm trying to lose. 

I made myself take a break today. Instead of going out with my hubby and son I stayed home and took a nap. It was a short nap, but it was a nap. Then I went through all my notes from the program, really studied them and thought about them. And those two things helped. A bit. I'm better now than I was earlier today. I was seeing darkness earlier today and now I'm not. Or at least not as much. Which is why I felt the need to write. 

Ugh. I just want to be perpetually better. Where I don't have to think about it, where I don't have to try so damn hard. I know I'll get there . . . eventually.  I just wish I was there now. Oh well.

In other news, I saw the endodontist on Wednesday and had a root canal done. Delightful. Actually, the root canal itself isn't all that bad - he numbed me up good so that I didn't feel a thing. But now my tooth aches and I can't chew on my left side and if I accidentally clench down I get sharp zingers of pain. I still have to get my permanent crown place which will hopefully be done on Tuesday. Until then it's aches and zingers and chewing on my right side. It's really not that much fun.

Tuesday 8/25/20 Wow

 Wow you guys. It's been awhile since I last posted. I've noticed something - when I'm not depressed I have less of a tendency to write, both on my blog and in my personal mood journal. I write daily in my mood journal and I've noticed some days I'm forgetting, or I hardly write anything. I guess this is a good sign. 

I believe in my last post I wrote about decreasing my lithium dose. Well, by the end of the week I'll be completely off of lithium! My doc still doesn't know this, as I don't see him until September 14th. But I'm feeling better! The tremors are almost gone, the swelling in my ankles and feet is quite a bit less, and my libido is coming back! And no sign of hypomania! Definitely a win!

In other news, I cracked a tooth a couple of weeks ago. I have no idea how. It just started hurting. One of my back molars. Went to the dentist and yup. Cracked. I see the endodontist tomorrow and will probably be having a root canal done. So much fun! I know you're jealous! 

There's nothing much else going on. I'm just so grateful that I'm feeling better! My plan is to go back to full time by January, as long as I'm still doing well (I'm working part-time right now). The extra income would help so much. And I feel I'm up to the challenge!

Not much else going on. Oh! Ayden (my kid) started school yesterday (8th grade), all online thanks to stupid coronavirus. I'm hoping he's actually able to learn something. He was bummed that he doesn't get to go to school. He's all for in person learning. Oh well, what can you do. 

Sunday 8-9-20 Depression and Lithium

 Hello my little weirdos! How's it going this lovely Sunday? It's sunny here in Colorado, supposed to be around 95 degrees today (have I mentioned I'm ready for fall?). I don't like it ridiculously hot - 75 with a breeze is perfect. But we don't always get what we want, do we? That's okay though, this is better than snow.

So things have been pretty status quo with me. There's nothing terribly new to report . . . I'm still doing very well, still feeling stable and happy and positive. One thing has changed though: the longer I go with feeling good, the more a small part of me misses the depression. How fucked up is that?? I still have little dipity dos here and there, and when I do, part of me embraces them and tries to hold on. I hate this. I hate this so much. I understand why - I'm so used to being depressed that that's what makes the most sense to me. But understanding it doesn't mean I have to like it. 

I'm working to squelch this part of me. I don't want to be drawn to depression. At all. Ever. I'm using all the tools I learned doing my program. I'm recognizing this as a part of me and working to let it go. Because how awful would it be if I managed to self sabotage and get bad again. Nope. We're not doing that. 

In other news, in my last post I mentioned that I'm decreasing my Lithium dose. I've been on 900mg (instead of 1350mg) for about 3 weeks now (that's 3 pills down to 2). I've noticed my tremors aren't quite as bad, my ankle swelling isn't as bad, and I've had no mood changes. So, I'm going to be going down to one pill. I'll do it a little more gradually - every other day. So last night I took 2, tonight I'll take one, tomorrow 2, and so on. For one to two weeks and then I'll stay at one pill. My goal is to get off of the Lithium. I've been on it for 6 or 7 years and it would be nice to get rid of one medication. We'll see how it goes I guess. I'm sure Dr. M won't be pleased with me (he doesn't know I'm doing this). But I don't have to worry about that until September when I see him again. 

There's not too much else going on. Work is busy. We delivered 25 babies in 24 hours - a record for my hospital. It's pretty amazing, really. I'm trying to pick up extra shifts  to prepare me for hopefully going back to full time in January. 

I'm feeling uninspired art wise lately. I'm going to try and come up with some ideas this week. That's my goal. At least 2 ideas. And then execute them. Hopefully I can live up to that.

  

Friday 7/31/20 Well it's Friday

Hello weirdos! It's Friday! And the last day of July! Which I'm having a hard time believing it's August tomorrow. This year has been the fastest, yet the slowest year EVER. 

So . . . what's been going on? How have you all been?

I'm surprisingly still doing well. My good, stable mood is holding steady. Which is amazing and awesome and nice! I'm loving feeling like myself again. I'm going to give it 6 months, and if I'm still doing well, I'm going to try and go back to working full time. Wouldn't that be amazing?! I haven't been full time for 6 years! I'd love to be able to contribute more to our income. So that is my goal. I'm also tossing around the idea of volunteering at the therapeutic riding center again. We'll see.

There isn't anything else much going on. I'm still working on my mental and emotional mastery program (I'm actually almost done!). When I finish it, I'm going to go back through the whole program again, really solidify all of the information. I'm really enjoying this program and it has been beyond helpful!

In my last post I discussed how I went down on my Lithium by myself without consulting my doc. Well, no ill effects so far. I still have my tremor but it is slightly less. I may just go down by another pill (from 3, down to 2, down to 1). We'll see. Going off of it completely would be nice. But again, we'll see. 

That's about it. Nothing else fun or exciting going on. Take care, my little weirdos!

Thursday 7/23/20 Therapy and stuff

Hello my little weirdos! How is everyone doing today? I hope you all are doing well :)

It's been about a week and a half since I last wrote and not too much has changed. I'm still feeling pretty dang good. More than good some days (like today). I feel like myself again! Which is AMAZING! I attribute this partly to being on Wellbutrin and mostly Ty Hicks' Mental and Emotional Mastery program that I've been working. This program has opened my eyes to my own toxic habits and is helping me change them permanently. It's the bomb diggity! So yeah, feeling better.

Anyway, I had therapy today and I had a good session. M and I talked about a myriad of topics including my continued good mood, how work is going (great), and, of course, my mom. Ugh. I hate talking about her, but considering I continue to have issues with my relationship with her, I need to continue to talk about her (my mom is an alcoholic, btw, has been since before I was born). I did drop a bomb on M too - I decreased my lithium dose without consulting my psychiatrist. 

Yep. 

I decreased my own medication without talking to my doc first. Might be a stupid move, we'll find out. I've been on my lower dose for 9 days and I don't feel a difference (yet). Why did I do this? Because my tremor (a side effect of lithium) has been getting progressively worse. I didn't want to decrease my dose at the same time I was starting Wellbutrin as two med changes at the same time can be dangerous. And I didn't decrease by much. I usually take 3 tablets a day, I decreased it to 2 (the tablets are 450mg each). We'll see how this plays out. I see Dr. M in September. I'm guessing he won't be pleased. Oh well. 

That's about it. Not much this week. I'm thinking about posting some of my artwork here . . . we'll see.  

Monday 7/13/20 It's Hot in Here

Hello my little weirdos! It's been bloody HOT here in Colorado as of late and I'm not enjoying it. Seventy-five with a breeze? Yes, please and thank you! But 95?? Hell no! Thank goodness for central air! Otherwise I'd be one cranky bitch!

Anyway, I'm happy to report that this past week has been a good one. My mood has been stable with no depression (I'm still getting irritable but I'm able to manage it). I spoke with my psychiatrist last Wednesday and he was very pleasantly surprised (I don't think he thought I'd be any better). But here I am, plugging away with a positive mindset and happy demeanor! It's quite nice honestly.

Now, that being said, there is something weighing heavy on my heart. A coworker of mine - a young coworker of mine - recently lost her husband to cancer. M has only been gone around 2 months and I feel for J every day. She posted pictures of her family on FB today, and I felt so deeply moved and saddened that it was visceral. I ached for her and the pain she must be experiencing and I cried. I wish I could lessen the load for her. It's awful. Such a beautiful young couple. 

Her situation got me thinking about what would happen if I lost my husband. It's something I can't even comprehend. I don't know what I'd do or how I'd cope. I'd like to think I'd be strong and I'd carry on for my son's sake, but the truth is, I don't know if I could go on without him. He's my everything. I love him with every fiber of my being and just thinking about this is making me cry again. How does someone move on from that? Seriously.

Jer and I discussed this a little bit the other day. If he were to die tomorrow what would I do? Would I stay single? Would I eventually move on and date again? I don't think I could - I'd be comparing everyone to him and no one would measure up. Ever. On the other hand, I don't know if I could be alone. I crave the close companionship that only a partner can provide. But my partner. MY husband. Jer. Now.  We've been together for 20 years, he's my soulmate. 

I wish I wasn't thinking about this. Fuck. Tears streaming down my face as I write this out. I just can't imagine being without him. Well, now that it's out maybe I can put it to rest. Not worry over it and let it fester, consume me (like I usually do with stuff that bothers me). And hopefully I can support J without getting so emotionally caught up in it.