Thursday 9/15/22 Therapy

 I had therapy today and it was basically me crying the whole time. Seriously. And I cried this morning and while driving and after therapy when I got home. Crying is my thing today. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen and sting. Really the only time I wasn't crying was while I volunteered this morning. And even then it was touch and go.

In therapy Mike and I talked about his retirement. And how I move on. Because this is a loss I have to grieve and I'm certainly in no position to grieve a loss right now. But we talked about it and that was helpful. He has another therapist in mind for me, one with his group, and he wants to ease me into working with her. And I'm perfectly okay with that. 

Man I wish I could stop crying.

I had to call in sick yesterday because of how bad I've been. Constant crying and anger. Legit uncontrolled rage. And then I cry over that. I'm so sick of feeling this way. It needs to stop because I can't handle it. I can't keep doing this. I see Mike again in 2 weeks. I told him I would try and wear regular clothes (I wore jammie pants and a t-shirt today). 

In other news, I've been painting quite a bit, both paintings and bookmarks. I'm going to have a booth at a craft fair in December so I need inventory! I challenged myself to NOT paint anything depressing. So I've been painting scenery mostly, along with some animals. Nothing depressing so far. Go me. Sometimes painting helps calm me. It helps me to forget for a short time just how crappy I feel.

In addition to crippling depression and rage, I've lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good. I have to force myself to eat because I really don't care if I do or not. I lost 4 pounds this week, just because I'm not eating. I know this isn't good, I know I need to eat. I'm getting dizzy and light headed because of lack of calories. But I just don't care. Preparing food is too much work. It's too overwhelming. And nothing sounds good. At all. 

It's been a really rough, difficult week. I have a tattoo consult tomorrow and that's like my only thing to look forward to. I need things to look forward to to keep me going. 

That's where I'm at. And it sucks.

 

Friday 9/9/22 Well, I painted a little

 Look at that - another week has gone by. There's nothing special going on, nothing new, really. I do, however, feel more depressed than last week. I'm getting worse. I'm crying more. I'm angry more. I just feel worse. And I'm getting brain zaps again (probably because the Lexapro is completely out of my system). It's not fun. This week has not been fun. 

I'm painting though. I'm painting mostly scenery pictures, pretty things. I'm trying to paint non-depressing things basically, in hopes that it helps my mental health.

It hasn't.

Well, I guess it does for a very short period of time when I'm actually painting. It distracts me from how I'm feeling for a little bit. So that's a win I suppose. 

Today I painted 24 bookmarks. Took me about 3 hours. I like them. 

Next Thursday I have therapy with Mike. I think it's my last session with him. I'm not looking forward to it. Especially with how much I'm crying at stupid stuff - I'll probably lose my shit when I have to say goodbye. It's going to be hard. 

And next Friday I have a consult for my next tattoo - a daffodil on my left forearm (and also a very thin wedding band on my ring finger). I'm looking forward to that at least. Something to keep me going. 

I don't feel like writing more. I feel like crap. That is all. 

Friday 9/2/22 Saw My Psychiatrist

 So I saw my psychiatrist this past Monday to talk about Lexapro's horrible failure at helping my depression. All the Lexapro did was increase my appetite so that over the 6 weeks I was on it I gained 10 pounds. Which just adds to the depression. Hooray. We agreed to stop it. And I talked to him about trying ketamine infusions. Which, to my surprise, he's for me trying it. With a catch. I guess. Kind of. He wanted me to wean off of Vraylar and start a new medication that's only been available for a short period of time - Caplyta. No one I know has heard of this medication. Of course not - it's brand new. So, he gave me enough samples of Caplyta to last me a month and I see him again in 4 weeks to see how I'm doing. 

I've taken the Caplyta 4 nights now and boy howdy am I groggy in the morning. I read through the information packet that came with the med and yeah. Sedation is the #1 side effect for it. And even though I'm taking it at night, the grogginess hits me in the morning and lasts several hours. I'm hoping this side effect will lessen with time. *Fingers crossed*

In other news, my depression is becoming more and more obvious. At work I try really hard to engage with others but I'm so withdrawn and flat. I'd rather be alone. I'm overall feeling more depressed as well, which sucks. Yesterday was particularly bad. So bad that I didn't volunteer (I was depressed, groggy, and felt like I was getting a cold). I remained depressed all day. I'm trying everything I can but nothing is helping. Hopefully this Caplyta will help. If not, hopefully ketamine will help. The sucky thing about ketamine is it's not covered by insurance, it's expensive (around $300 per treatment), and I have to have a ride home after each treatment. I don't know how that's going to work. Especially finding a ride. Because I don't want to rely on my mom for that. No, thank you. 

Anyway, that's about all that's been going on since last week. Now I want a nap.

Wednesday 8/24/22 Therapy

 I just got home from my therapy appointment. And I don't know what to do with myself. It was a good appointment, talked mostly ACOA stuff. Pretty much the whole session was ACOA. Which is good, it's stuff I need to work through. My next session is in 3 weeks. I think that one will be my last session with Mike as he retires in October. *heavy sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do after that. 

Today I'm feeling pretty damn low. Very depressed. I don't want to do anything, I have no motivation. I need to clean the kitchen and bathrooms and dust . . . I need do watch more Mental and Emotional Mastery. I need to workout and read and work on my ACOA workbook. I have all these things I "need" to do and I don't want to do anything. I want to lay down and sleep. I'm so tired of being depressed. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. I'm tired of being too tired and unmotivated to accomplish anything. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm just tired. 

I've been on Lexapro for several weeks now and I don't think it's doing squat. I've noticed no change at all. If anything, I've been feeling a little worse. I see Marciniak next Monday, we'll see what he says I guess. I don't want to continue to take it though if it's not doing anything. That's pointless. I don't have anything else to try though - I've been on pretty much everything. Only treatment I haven't tried is ketamine. I know 3 people who have tried ketamine with mixed results. And there's problems to getting it - it's expensive and I have to find a ride home every time I go. Which I believe there's an induction phase and then a maintenance phase. I'm just not quite sure about it. My one friend who has done it says the day is pretty much wasted because you're basically sleepy and high afterwards. I don't know. I don't know what to do. 

This post is kind of jumping around. That's how my head feels. Too many trains of thought, but they're all moving so slowly. I can't concentrate. I want to go lay down. Sleep. Escape.

Wednesday 8/17/22 Mom

 So I just got off the phone with my mom and to say she annoys me is a huge understatement. She really. Fucking. Annoys me. See, my mom is an alcoholic. Has been one since before I was born. No matter what happens to her, no matter what me or my brother say, she won't stop drinking and denies that she drinks at all (she could be drinking vodka from the bottle and tell you that she doesn't drink and she would believe that lie). I hate talking to her. Especially when she's been drinking. If I do talk to her, I try to do it before 10am because there's a little less chance that she's been drinking yet (yeah - she drinks all day and night). 

I've grown up around this so you'd think I'd be used to it by now, right? Wrong. It's a chronic, insidious type of trauma, one that compounds. Most of the time I'm angry/distraught/annoyed/saddened for awhile and it passes. Sometimes it takes longer. And sometimes I spiral, remembering my childhood. At any rate, it sucks. Big time. So I really try not to talk to her. And, unfortunately, she has no friends. No one she can talk to. Her and her husband fight all the time. Her own mother is succumbing to dementia. So what does that make me? Her therapist and friend. Her confidant. A role I DON'T FUCKING WANT. And a role that it's not fair to put me in. I'm not her fucking therapist but she treats me like one. I told her today that she should go to marriage counseling, that I couldn't help her sort out her marriage. She kept venting to me. And this is while she was sober - you can't even begin to imagine what it's like when she's been drinking. I just don't answer the phone anymore. 

I'm sick of listening to her and dealing with her. I really am. I want to cut her out of my life but I can't. She's my mom and I feel horribly guilty for feeling the way I do. Cutting her out would make me feel even worse. As much as I dislike her, she's still my mom. Even though she's toxic as fuck. So I space out when she talks to me, don't fully listen, turn my attention elsewhere. Because I just can't deal. Every time we talk it's all about her anyway. She rarely asks how I'm doing or how my hubby and son - her grandson - are doing. All she talks about is how horrible her life is and how much her and her husband argue. I don't fucking care. 

And I can't bring up her alcoholism because in her mind she doesn't drink and therefore denies it and gets all offended that I would say such a thing. I can't win. I can't fucking win.

In other news, I'm still horribly depressed. My Lexapro seems to be doing nothing. I wasn't terribly hopeful that it would do anything, but still, come on. Some days I have a hard time pushing through and I end up napping. When I'm asleep at least I don't have to deal with what I'm feeling. It's my only escape. I have no motivation for anything. I have things I need to do, things that I would like to do . . . but no motivation to get anything done. I mindlessly scroll social media or I sleep. That's what I do. And it sucks. 

I have therapy next week with Mike again, and see Dr. Marciniak in 2 weeks. We'll see what's next I guess. 

Monday 8/8/22 High School

 This morning I took the boy to his high school so he could pick up his schedule, new student ID, laptop, etc. It's hard to believe he's going to be a sophmore. 10th grade. He's driving, get's his official permit on the 17th . . . he's growing up. It's crazy. But in a good way. He's a good kid. A really good kid. 

Last night was my first night Pristiq free and on 20mg of Lexapro. So far I haven't had any brain zaps or other withdrawal symptoms, which is good. Hopefully I won't. And, now that I'm on the full 20mg of Lexapro, I'm hoping to start feeling better. Although, to be honest, I'm not all that hopeful. I've really been struggling the past several weeks. To where I don't just feel blah or down - I feel depressed. Like, legit depressed. To where I don't want to do anything. Just sleep. Or scroll social media, or stare off into space. It's not good. I hate that I feel this way again. I'm doing everything I can to NOT feel like this. I'm forcing myself to do stuff, even when I desperately don't want to. And I started my Emotional and Mental Mastery program again. I did it like 3 years ago, and it helped. So I figured why not start again? I'm 3 videos in and there's 133 videos, with homework and tasks to do. The only thing different this time is that I won't have the check up calls with Ty Hicks, the guy who created the program. I'm hoping it will help. I need something to help. I'm so tired of feeling like this. It sucks, royally. So I'm going to work the program again, take my meds, see Mike when I can, see Marciniak, do my Esteem Quest tasks (another program I'm doing to try and help with my confidence and self esteem), get enough sleep, eat healthier, exercise . . . what more can I do? I don't even know. I'm doing everything I can think of. 

I guess that's all I have today. Anything more will just be me venting about how I'm feeling. And I don't really want to do that. 

Wednesday 8/3/22 Therapy

 I saw Mike this morning. It was weird - I was nervous going in. I think because I didn't know what the session was going to hold, what he wanted to talk about, etc. But all in all it was a good session. He is officially retiring in October, so I'll see him a couple more times before then so we can work out the logistics of seeing a new therapist/ease out of seeing him. I really don't want to. You know, stop seeing him. But I have no choice in the matter. *heavy sigh*

Today I got him caught up on everything that's been going on since I last saw him (like 8 weeks ago). The medication changes, work, ACOA stuff . . . we spent a good deal of time on the ACOA stuff. He thinks it's a great idea for me to be diving into it myself. But it's hard to because I've been feeling so lousy lately. I know I need to . . . it's just hard. 

I gave him his retirement card today that I made him. He saw how much writing was in it and said he wanted to read it later. Asked me if it was okay to read later. I said yes, of course, so I don't know his reaction to what I wrote. Perhaps he'll mention it at our next session (which is August 24th - 3 weeks away). I kinda hope he does. I'm curious of what his reaction will be. It's not that I want to make him feel bad - I definitely don't - it's just that I want him to know how much he means to me. And before I don't get to see him anymore I'd really like a hug. I'm a hugger. But I don't want to ask for one because what if he said no? I'd feel awkward and kind of crushed. I'll just have to feel that one out. I'm sure I'll cry at our last session. Which I'm not looking forward to. As of right now I can kind of ignore the fact that he's retiring, since I still get to see him a few more times. But at our last session . . . well, that's it. No more Mike. And that's going to be hard to stomach. It's weird to think that I have a loss coming up that I'm going to have to grieve. And I don't want to. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this, just thinking about it. Gotta be strong. 

I going to try and spend the rest of the afternoon doing my ACOA workbook. I need to get working on it. I've been putting it off and putting it off. Again, I've been so lousy lately that it just feels too heavy. But I'm going to work on it today. If I can keep myself from napping, that is. I feel like napping all. The. Time. Because it's an escape. I don't have to feel when I nap. 

Also, I'm on my last week of Pristiq. I think I have 4 or 5 days left and I'm done with it. And then I'll be on the full 20mg of Lexapro. I'm really hoping this helps. Like, really hoping. Time will tell.