Tuesday 10/11/22 Ketamine Infusions

 Today I had my second ketamine infusion (my first one was last Thursday). I have my 3rd this Friday. The infusions are . . . interesting. It's very difficult to describe what they're like because they're ever changing and fluid and just . . . I don't know.

So they start by starting an IV and getting an initial set of vital signs. The ketamine is mixed with 60ml of saline and is infused over 40 minutes. My first dose was 35mg, my second was 40mg. The ketamine dose is weight based and isn't enough to put you to sleep. It's just enough to give you a controlled high. And that's basically what it is - a controlled high. Or trip, if you prefer. I sit in a comfortable recliner, sleep mask on, ear buds in. The music is meditation music, very soft and lulling. The nurse leaves a pulse ox on one finger and a blood pressure cuff on so they can monitor vitals during the infusion. The room is a comfortable temperature and the lights are dimmed (though I can't tell that because I have a sleep mask on). The infusion starts.

At first I feel warmth flow throughout my body and an almost sinking feeling, like I'm becoming one with the chair. Then floating. Drifting along either in water or air, I'm not sure, but definitely floating. Despite having my eyes closed and a sleep mask on I see colors. Mostly greens, blues, and purples, forming undulating waves that change into geometric patterns and then back to waves. It's very calming and relaxing. I can feel my pulse throughout my body but it is not bothersome - rather, it's comforting. The soft music seems to be coming from everywhere, from within me - not from my headphones. There is no sense of time. Thoughts come and go, seemingly random, but sometimes purposeful. However, I cannot grasp onto them. They flow through me, in front of me, behind me, with the colors and shapes. I feel warm and heavy and somehow outside of my body, but still attached to it. Occasionally, I can feel the blood pressure cuff squeeze my arm, a reminder that I'm grounded. If I feel like I'm floating too high I merely move my fingers and feel the chair and I know that I'm safe and comfortable. This continues on for some time before I start to feel sensations: the chair beneath me, my position, my shoes, my fingers. The colors dissipate and I'm more aware of my surroundings. I feel the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox being removed. I sit for a few minutes before removing my eye mask and ear buds. I feel calm, a little tipsy perhaps. But calm and comfortable and relaxed. The doctor and nurse come in and check on me and it's time to go. Hubby is there to drive me home. The tipsiness wears off quickly, before I'm even down to the car. 

That's the gist of how it feels. Last Thursday was more floating, today was more of almost being enveloped by marshmallows. Cushiony soft surrounding me, pressing in on me. I felt more today than last Thursday, presumably because of the increased dose. The downfall today was that even though I went to the bathroom right before the infusion started, as I was coming to I realized I had to pee. Like, bad. I had to call out for the nurse and she helped me to the bathroom as I was still a bit unsteady on my feet. Luckily it didn't happen while the infusion was still going. But it was annoying nonetheless (damn bladder). 

After my first infusion, I noticed at work the next day I was less overwhelmed. I was able to joke a little bit and actually genuinely smile. It was a breath of fresh air. It gives me hope that these infusions will help with the depression. 

I have therapy on Thursday, most likely my last session with Mike. And that will be difficult. Then an infusion on Friday, and 2 next week. This week and next week feel impossibly long. This week because I'm off every day until Saturday, next week because I have something every day - I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have infusions Tuesday and Thursday. When I'm home I don't know what to do with myself and when I'm at work I don't know how I'll make it through the day. So yeah, a long 2 weeks. But I'll make it through. I always do.  

Thursday 10/6/22 Ketamine

 Today I have my first ketamine infusion. It's scheduled at 12:30 so I'll be leaving the house in about an hour. I figured I'd be more anxious than I am - I'm really quite bored. Maybe as the time gets closer or when I actually get there . . . But for now, bored. Numb. Withdrawn. Flat. I have an hour to kill and I don't know what to do with myself. Drawing, painting, sewing, reading . . . all sound horrible. I have no desire to do any of that. I was looking through landscapes on Pinterest, trying to find inspiration, and all I got was frustrated. I hate this. I hate this numbness and lack of motivation/drive to do anything. I end up just sitting and staring at the wall. Or laying in bed doing the same. 

I haven't been getting anything accomplished. No housework (save for laundry), no hobbies, no nothing. I just don't care. I need to be figuring things out for the craft fair I'm doing in December but I just don't care enough to. I should be sewing or painting. But I don't care. I should be reading or cleaning. But I don't care. I wish I could at least read, because reading can be an escape. But I can't stay focused long enough to comprehend anything. So mostly I end up staring off into space or scrolling social media as a way to pass the time. Neither of which are good options. I feel like such a failure because of this. 

So hopefully the ketamine will help. I decided to write before the infusion as I don't know what state I'll be in after. Maybe I'll feel loopy or sleepy. Maybe I'll feel fine. I don't know. Perhaps, if I don't go to work tomorrow, I'll  hop on here and write about my experience. Yeah. I'm considering calling in tomorrow. And Saturday as I'm on call. Work keeps me busy but it's so draining. It's hard to keep up the illusion that I'm okay. It's exhausting, really. And people have started noticing that I'm not at my best. And I almost feel like a fraud to myself for pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I don't know. It's weird. And I also have a cold, which is annoying. 

Friday 9/30/22 Therapy and Ketamine

 It's been a rough week. I've only worked like 1 day in the past 10 and it was difficult. Like, really difficult. I work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm struggling you see. Every. Single. Day. I'm struggling. With depression, anger, and now anxiety (we just had to throw that into the mix too. I mean, why not?). I've been trying to stay busy, trying to do things . . . but it's just not working out for me. I go downstairs to paint and end up staring off into space because I can't seem to start. Or I start - like today - and get so anxious I can barely hold a paint brush. Or I just stare at my paper and cry. I don't dare try to sew because that sends my anger skyrocketing. And who needs that?

I had therapy yesterday and I also talked with the ketamine clinic. I have my first ketamine infusion next Thursday. I'm praying that this helps because it's all I have left. There's no more meds for me to try. I saw Dr. Marciniak this past Tuesday and he had me get a light box to try, even though my depression isn't seasonal. Because there's nothing else left. He did take me off of the Caplyta and started me back on Vraylar. Med wise I'm back at square one. 

So I got the light box and used it today. It's freaking bright. I'm trying to do self care crap but it's tiring and I don't see a point to it. I don't see a point to anything. But I'm trying. I'm trying everything. It's just that nothing is helping. And this anxiety man . . . it needs to go. I haven't had anxiety like this for years. 

So yeah. This is stupid.

Thursday 9/22/22 Anger

 I have been getting more and more angry with every passing day. Everything makes me mad. Even stupid little things that have no meaning . . . pissed off. I shouldn't be driving because of my rage - it's bad. If no one's in the truck with me I scream and cuss and cry. If someone is in the truck with me I'm able to bottle it up but then I lose it when I get home. This is becoming unbearable. Seriously. Everything is so overwhelming right now. Even simple tasks are hard for me to do. Like filling out my passport application. Apparently that's too much for me. I had to set it aside and walk away because I couldn't handle it. Even typing this out - I misspell something and I can feel the rage surging in me. Over a fucking TYPO!!! I can't even with myself. 

And this has been getting worse over the past week and a half. Every day worse. My depression is getting worse every day. I'm not really functioning. Everything is so hard. I don't know how I'm going to go to work on Saturday. I barely made it through Tuesday. I had to hide a lot. I feel so fucking bad. I cry at everything. I can't cope with anything. And I don't know what to do or how to handle this. The depression and anger is consuming me. 

I see Dr. Marciniak next Tuesday and Mike again next Thursday. Something has to change. I can't keep doing this. I can't handle this. I can't. As far as med changes go . . . there's not really anything we can do. The Caplyta is my 24th different medication. There's nothing left. Nothing to fall back on. I'm just . . . stuck. I'm going to call today to set up a consultation with a ketamine infusion clinic. Because I can't do this anymore. 

In other news, I still have no appetite. None. I don't care if I eat or not. I've lost 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Because I just. Don't. Care. I can eat something or I can starve. I don't care. Nothing sounds good. I've been living on toast. Literally. Because nothing sounds good and I truly don't care. I'm at the point where I want to throw in the towel. I want to give up. That would be easier. But I can't. I have to keep going for Jer and Ayden. Even though I don't want to, I keep pushing forward. And it sucks. I'm so tired. Probably going to go on intermittent FMLA. Because how the fuck am I supposed to work like this?

So. That's where I'm at. Hating life. Hating everything.  

Thursday 9/15/22 Therapy

 I had therapy today and it was basically me crying the whole time. Seriously. And I cried this morning and while driving and after therapy when I got home. Crying is my thing today. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen and sting. Really the only time I wasn't crying was while I volunteered this morning. And even then it was touch and go.

In therapy Mike and I talked about his retirement. And how I move on. Because this is a loss I have to grieve and I'm certainly in no position to grieve a loss right now. But we talked about it and that was helpful. He has another therapist in mind for me, one with his group, and he wants to ease me into working with her. And I'm perfectly okay with that. 

Man I wish I could stop crying.

I had to call in sick yesterday because of how bad I've been. Constant crying and anger. Legit uncontrolled rage. And then I cry over that. I'm so sick of feeling this way. It needs to stop because I can't handle it. I can't keep doing this. I see Mike again in 2 weeks. I told him I would try and wear regular clothes (I wore jammie pants and a t-shirt today). 

In other news, I've been painting quite a bit, both paintings and bookmarks. I'm going to have a booth at a craft fair in December so I need inventory! I challenged myself to NOT paint anything depressing. So I've been painting scenery mostly, along with some animals. Nothing depressing so far. Go me. Sometimes painting helps calm me. It helps me to forget for a short time just how crappy I feel.

In addition to crippling depression and rage, I've lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good. I have to force myself to eat because I really don't care if I do or not. I lost 4 pounds this week, just because I'm not eating. I know this isn't good, I know I need to eat. I'm getting dizzy and light headed because of lack of calories. But I just don't care. Preparing food is too much work. It's too overwhelming. And nothing sounds good. At all. 

It's been a really rough, difficult week. I have a tattoo consult tomorrow and that's like my only thing to look forward to. I need things to look forward to to keep me going. 

That's where I'm at. And it sucks.

 

Friday 9/9/22 Well, I painted a little

 Look at that - another week has gone by. There's nothing special going on, nothing new, really. I do, however, feel more depressed than last week. I'm getting worse. I'm crying more. I'm angry more. I just feel worse. And I'm getting brain zaps again (probably because the Lexapro is completely out of my system). It's not fun. This week has not been fun. 

I'm painting though. I'm painting mostly scenery pictures, pretty things. I'm trying to paint non-depressing things basically, in hopes that it helps my mental health.

It hasn't.

Well, I guess it does for a very short period of time when I'm actually painting. It distracts me from how I'm feeling for a little bit. So that's a win I suppose. 

Today I painted 24 bookmarks. Took me about 3 hours. I like them. 

Next Thursday I have therapy with Mike. I think it's my last session with him. I'm not looking forward to it. Especially with how much I'm crying at stupid stuff - I'll probably lose my shit when I have to say goodbye. It's going to be hard. 

And next Friday I have a consult for my next tattoo - a daffodil on my left forearm (and also a very thin wedding band on my ring finger). I'm looking forward to that at least. Something to keep me going. 

I don't feel like writing more. I feel like crap. That is all. 

Friday 9/2/22 Saw My Psychiatrist

 So I saw my psychiatrist this past Monday to talk about Lexapro's horrible failure at helping my depression. All the Lexapro did was increase my appetite so that over the 6 weeks I was on it I gained 10 pounds. Which just adds to the depression. Hooray. We agreed to stop it. And I talked to him about trying ketamine infusions. Which, to my surprise, he's for me trying it. With a catch. I guess. Kind of. He wanted me to wean off of Vraylar and start a new medication that's only been available for a short period of time - Caplyta. No one I know has heard of this medication. Of course not - it's brand new. So, he gave me enough samples of Caplyta to last me a month and I see him again in 4 weeks to see how I'm doing. 

I've taken the Caplyta 4 nights now and boy howdy am I groggy in the morning. I read through the information packet that came with the med and yeah. Sedation is the #1 side effect for it. And even though I'm taking it at night, the grogginess hits me in the morning and lasts several hours. I'm hoping this side effect will lessen with time. *Fingers crossed*

In other news, my depression is becoming more and more obvious. At work I try really hard to engage with others but I'm so withdrawn and flat. I'd rather be alone. I'm overall feeling more depressed as well, which sucks. Yesterday was particularly bad. So bad that I didn't volunteer (I was depressed, groggy, and felt like I was getting a cold). I remained depressed all day. I'm trying everything I can but nothing is helping. Hopefully this Caplyta will help. If not, hopefully ketamine will help. The sucky thing about ketamine is it's not covered by insurance, it's expensive (around $300 per treatment), and I have to have a ride home after each treatment. I don't know how that's going to work. Especially finding a ride. Because I don't want to rely on my mom for that. No, thank you. 

Anyway, that's about all that's been going on since last week. Now I want a nap.