Thursday 9/26/25 Happy Belated Birthday to Me

 Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 46 years old - officially closer to 50 than to 40. Which is kind of weird. Because I feel like I'm maybe in my early 30's (and my sense of humor would suggest that I'm a 13 year old boy). But, no, I'm 46. Anyway, I spent the day painting bookmarks and being otherwise lazy. We got Chic Fil A for dinner and then went out for ice cream. It was a nice, relaxed day. 

Today I haven't really done anything. Showered . . . um, that's it. I'm meeting up with a friend this afternoon and we're going to face time our other friend who moved out of state to "celebrate" my birthday. It should be good. I get to open presents. And Lesley - our friend who moved - always gives me the most ridiculous shit. I have two packages from her that I haven't been allowed to open until we face time today. 

Tomorrow I work and Saturday we're heading up to the mountains to see the fall colors - the aspens are changing!

We bought Ayden his own car - a 2006 Scion TC (Scion is made by Toyota). He loves it! And is actually driving now (which was our goal). And he's doing well with driving. I'm actually pretty relaxed in the car with him (I wasn't relaxed when he was driving the 4Runner). So this is good. We got him a dash cam and he put some stickers on the back window and showed it off to his friends. He seems motivated now. Hooray! Although it is a reminder of how grown up he is. Oy. 

That's all for now. Bye!

Monday 9/9/24 Sick

 Sick. We've all been sick this past week and a half. It's been great fun. I didn't think one person could produce so much mucus, but here we are. I'm feeling better, mostly, still feel tired and run down, with a cough and runny nose and chest congestion. It started with Ayden, then Jeremy got sick, then me. I'm not enjoying this, to say the least. Oh well, life goes on.

There isn't anything else going on though. Work is work. I had to call in sick a day last week because of this cold. I was supposed to be nursery yesterday but ended up charge instead. Again. I'm so sick of being charge every single shift. It should start getting better this week - I'm scheduled on the floor the next two days I work, so . . . we'll see. 

My  weight loss has kind of stalled out at 30 pounds and I don't know how much longer I'm going to stay on the semiglutide. I'm tired of being nauseous all the time and gagging over everything (taking vitamins, drinking plain water, etc.). It's getting old. I was really hoping to lose another 20 pounds but I just don't know if that's going to happen. I definitely feel better where I'm at now than when I started - 30 pounds is a lot of weight! - but I still have a ways to go to be where I want to be. I don't know what my decision will be though. Time will tell I guess. 

That's all for now. I'm pretty boring.

Friday 8/23/24 Iced Coffee

 Iced coffee is the bomb diggity. I'm drinking some right now. I will almost never say no to an iced coffee - even in winter. 

Anyway, I am sore. I started lifting weights again this week and I probably did too much too soon. I haven't lifted weights in a long time (6, 7 months?) and I think I pushed myself a little too hard. I'm paying for it now. Oh well. I need to be consistently working out, and I need to be lifting weights. But I'll go a little easier on myself next week. I have, however, lost 30 pounds, which I'm pretty happy with. In a perfect world I'd lose another 20, but I'm getting tired of the constant nausea from the semaglutide. I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay on it.

I've found myself feeling blah lately. Not down or anything, just blah. No motivation, no inspiration, just a bump on a pickle. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I don't know what I need. I know work isn't helping with this. I feel so exhausted on my days off that I don't accomplish much. We're short staffed every. Single. Day. And I'm fucking over it. And I'm charge. Every. Single. Shift. And I'm over that, too. I work this weekend and I'm  - surprise! - charge. And all next week too. I think the following week I start to do charge less. Thank god. But it's been miserable. Being constantly busy and constantly short staffed and constantly working my ass off. 

In other news, we booked our flights to Japan for next year. Very exciting stuff. This time we're flying straight from Denver to Tokyo - no layovers like last time, which will be nice. Last year we flew out of the Colorado Springs airport so we had to stop in Las Vegas before continuing on to LA, and then LA to Tokyo. On the way back was Tokyo to LA, LA to Phoenix, and Phoenix to Colorado Springs. Too many stops and chances of delayed flights (which Phoenix to Colorado Springs was delayed 3 hours). So yeah. This will be much nicer. Now we need to figure out our itinerary so we can book hotels. 

That's it for now.

Thursday 8/8/24 Stuff and Stuff

 Well, it's been a while again since I've written. There's nothing too exciting going on, at least not today. I went to the DMV to get custom plates for my new truck - they'll say ICKYDOG. I'm excited for them. And the DMV surprisingly didn't take long and wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought it would be, so yay! And I'm doing laundry, so much fun.

We did, however, go to California last week to visit my family (my grandma and uncle). It was a short trip (4 days) but was lovely. We stayed with my Uncle and aunt and saw 2 of my cousins and spent lots of time with my grandma (who isn't doing the greatest). We also went to Newport Beach and Little Tokyo (in LA), and got Ayden a haircut in LA (which looks good). It was a busy 4 days but it was nice to be gone from regular life for a bit. And always nice to see family.

Work is still work. I'm charge every shift and that's annoying. But there's not much I can do about that right now. Hopefully that will get better by the end of August. We're still busy and we're still short staffed. It is what it is, I guess.

My mood, however, is doing a little better. Not as much existential dread or irritability, which is good. Maybe our quick trip helped with that. 

I still can't get photos to upload here. I can view my images, but can't get them to upload. It's very annoying. So again, no artwork today.

Wednesday 7/17/24 Ugh

 I've had some more rough days. Both at work and at home. Yesterday and Monday in particular were not great. Monday I was down and had no energy. Yesterday I was irritable and down and couldn't seem to get out of my funk. I felt like Jer was mad at me (he wasn't). But I felt that way so it was harder for me to come out of my funk. I'm over feeling like this. Why? Why does it always have to come back? Yeah. I know. I have bipolar disorder. That's what it does. But why can't I go a little hypomanic? Just a little. My Vraylar does a little too good of a job at keeping my highs in check. 

A little hypomania would be so nice right now. I'd have energy. I could get stuff done. I could feel really good. But no. No, my stupid brain always has to swing the other way. It's frustrating. I'm frustrated and irritable and down. Lame.

Also, I'm so burned out with work. The past 2 months have been stupid busy. Like, STUPID busy. Everyday we're asking for help. Every. Single. Day. We're always short staffed. Morale is down. Everyone is tired of being overworked and short staffed. It sucks. This week was supposed to be better. There wasn't much actually scheduled c-section and induction wise. A nice breather. Well, ha ha, no. I got a text again this morning looking for help today. So what the fuck. Part of me feels obligated to go in and help. But I'm not going to. I work the next two days. And if we're looking for help again today, then most likely we'll need it for the next 2 days as well. Meaning I'll get to work short staffed yet again. Tomorrow I'm primary nursery (meaning I'm attending deliveries). There was only one c-section and 2 inductions scheduled when I looked on Sunday. I wonder if that's changed. Friday I'm charge again. Pretty much every single shift I'm charge is a shit show. Tons of deliveries, not enough discharges to absorb deliveries, not enough staff, drama on the floor . . . a regular old dumpster fire. This past Sunday was the exception - it was actually a pleasant day. I didn't want to rip my hair out at the end of the shift. But that's not how it usually goes. 

So Yeah. Work has been sucky, my mood is sinking, and I don't know what to do about it. At least, I guess, I'm losing weight. Slowly but steadily I'm losing weight. Down 25 pounds now. Go me. 

I was going to upload a recent painting that I did, since it's been awhile since I posted one, but my computer is being a bag of dicks and won't let me. Well, I guess it's not my computer, it's blogger blocking it for some reason. I don't know. So no painting today. Sorry.

Monday 7/8/24 Rough

 Feeling rough again. Down. Melancholy. Irritable. All of those things. And, really, I have been for several days in a row now. This is very frustrating for me. I've had such a long streak of doing well and now, well, I'm not. I'm not depressed. I wouldn't say that, not yet. But I appear to be heading in that direction. This is so. Fucking. Annoying. I don't want to have another ketamine infusion. Those are expensive. And I'm already expensive because I'm on the semaglutide. I want to be back to how I was - content. Unbothered. Happier. Not how I am now.

It started out feeling down at times at work. If I wasn't doing something I'd get this mild existential dread. And it would pass, or I would get busy and forget about it. But it started happening more frequently. And now I'm feeling it at home. Yesterday I just wanted to be asleep. I was questioning what the point of being awake was. If I'm going to feel like crap I'd rather sleep through it. But alas, I cannot. No, I have to be a functional adult and do things. Which is dumb. Like work. I work tomorrow. And my friend/coworker is having her baby tomorrow and I'm going to have to be happy and whatnot and I'm just not feeling it. Maybe tomorrow will be different. And if not, hopefully I can put on a good show. 

I keep thinking, maybe if I could have a good cry I'd feel better. But I can't seem to get to that point - I can't cry. I can feel like I'm going to, even tear up a little, but I can't seem to do it. So I just feel down and angry. The irritability is a bitch, too. I feel so cranky over everything. I'm not snapping at Jeremy or Ayden or anything. I feel it most when I'm driving or I'm at work. I hate it. 

Anyway, not much of anything else is going on. I want to draw and paint but I have no motivation. I need to make my mom's birthday card (her birthday was yesterday - we're going out to dinner on Wednesday), but I'm lacking ideas. I'll come up with something, I'm sure, but probably not today. *sigh*

Wednesday 6/26/24 Blah

 Originally I wasn't going to write today. I don't have much of anything to say. But I'm feeling pretty low today and I don't know why. I slept okay, had breakfast, worked out, showered . . . and then, this *vaguely gestures at self*. I don't know. I don't know what my deal is today. I know I've been trending down again, but it hasn't been bad - just noticeable. Today though . . . I just want to hide away. Or stare off into space. Or doom-scroll. I really don't feel great. Really, I want to go back to bed and wait for the day to pass. But alas, I cannot. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I feel like I should try and be productive. I tried to read. Made myself an iced matcha latte, sat out on the deck with a book. But I couldn't read. I couldn't focus. So now I'm in my studio writing this, hoping that if I get it off my chest I'll feel better. 

I'd love to paint. I'd love to be creative. But the thought of trying to do that is overwhelming right now. Everything is a little overwhelming right now. I worked yesterday, I work the next 2 days, and I don't want to. I notice my down feelings more at work. So, knowing how I'm feeling right now, I don't want to feel like this tomorrow. It will be noticeable to people because I'll pretty much shut down. Ugh. 

I just wish I knew the cause of this. If there was something that triggered me to feel like crap. If there was, I have no idea what it was. Oh well, what can ya do? Guess I'll scroll pinterest and make lunch, go to my appointment. Ciao.