Wednesday 3/12/25 Wow.

 Well, it's been a while. A loooong while. Things have mostly been status quo. Mostly. And then my world was turned upside down. Just recently. Last week. I've been an emotional mess, I haven't been sleeping. I'm trying so hard to remain in control, keep up the facade of normalcy, and I'm exhausted.

What happened?

Last week my son told me he was trans. It came out of nowhere. We were talking about random stuff, kids, politics, dinner . . . Then he told me the girl he's been hanging out with is trans (male to female). Okay. Cool. No big deal. Then he said he thought that he was trans as well. And I was just like, uhhhhhh . . . what? Straight out of left field. Not something that was remotely on my radar. At. All. And I did my best not to show him how shocked I was. I asked him some questions but I didn't know what to say. I was flabbergasted. I was truly at a loss for words. I told him I loved him and that would never change. That I would support him. That I wanted him to be happy and healthy. He hugged me and thanked me for being open. He asked me not to tell hubby/dad yet - he wanted to wait until after his 18th birthday (which was the 8th). And then he went out with his friend and I was left to absorb all of this information alone. 

Alone.

Because he practically begged me not to tell hubby/dad yet. This was on the 3rd. A Monday. He left, I cried. I was home alone. I texted my best friend with the information I had learned and I sat. I sat and stared off into space because I didn't know what else to do. Hubby came home and we went to the gym. Worked out. And I couldn't tell him. And it was already eating me up inside. I felt so alone and scared and confused. 

The whole week was rough. I had to work of course, and that was hard. Keeping it together. Acting like there was nothing wrong when I was constantly close to tears. But I made it through. Son had his birthday last Saturday. It was good I suppose. We went to Dave and Busters. A couple of his friends came, they had fun. Sunday I worked. I told son that on Monday I was going to tell hubby/dad. He said okay. Hubby and I went out for coffee and I told him. I told him everything. And he was in disbelief, asked when the camera crew was going to come out because he was being punked. We talked. A lot. 

Son had said that he didn't want to change his name. Didn't want to dress differently. Didn't mind if people messed up his pronouns. But he wanted to do hormone therapy. But he wasn't changing anything else. Didn't want surgery. So in my mind this wasn't real. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe he'll change how he feels. I mean, being a white, cis, male is out right now. So maybe he's exploring or confused or feeling pressured. Maybe this wasn't real. 

And then? Then hubby and I sat down with him and had a family discussion. And you know what? This is real. This is fucking real. The absolute pain that my son is in is real. Mental and emotional pain that I can't fathom. He's been feeling this way for years. Keeping it a secret. He said that for 4-5 years he's had these thoughts and feelings and that in the past 2 years he's been certain that he's trans. He's been going to therapy off and on for a year but never let us in on what he talked with his therapist about. 

It was this. This is what he's been talking about in therapy.

And we never knew. Never had any idea. We knew he had some depression and anxiety, but not to this extent. I feel so horrible. My heart hurts for him and I feel like I've failed him because I had no idea. It guts me to see him hurting so badly. But I don't know what to do. I'm lost. We told him how much we love him and how we'll always be there for him. Is that enough? I don't think it is. But I don't know what else to do. 

Hubby and I have some reservations about him starting hormone therapy so young. I think we want to make sure he's positive that this is what he wants. That he's not going to regret this decision in a few years. We're scared and probably a bit selfish. Because it feels like we're losing him. I know we're not, not really, he's still here. But it's different. We had hopes and dreams for him and now things have changed. There's sense of loss that goes along with that. A loss that has to be grieved. This is something that hubby and I have to work through. We're both struggling though. Because no one prepares you for this. We're trying. In a few years I'm sure things will seem "normal". A new normal, but normal. This is what we hope for. And that our son won't shut us out because of us struggling. That's probably my biggest fear - really losing him because he shuts us out. I want to always have him in my life, no matter what that looks like. 

This has been hard. But we've made it through hard things before. We'll make it through this and hopefully be stronger because of it, closer because of it. For now though I'm going to love my son and support him any way I can. Because as hard as this is for hubby and I, he's the one going through it. And I can't imaging what he's going through. 

So yeah. That's all for now. 

Tuesday 1/14/25 Oh my . . .

 Been almost a month again since my last post. My posts are so sporadic now which, I guess, is a good thing. It means I'm doing well. When I'm depressed my posts are weekly or more frequently than that. So we're going to call sporadic posts a good thing. 

The past month has been pretty, uh, routine. There's not much of anything going on. I finally did some artwork (a doodle in my sketchbook and a painting) and have a few sketches I need to paint. Though I don't feel like painting today. I actually don't feel like doing much of anything today. I had physical therapy this morning and now I'm just meh. Unmotivated. My therapist did some dry needling in my right SI joint and now I'm all achy and sore (dry needling is where they take acupuncture needles and insert them deep into the muscle and then sometimes apply a light current through them). I was going to do yoga when I got home but I'm just not feeling it today. I worked out yesterday, will workout on Thursday and Saturday, so I guess it's okay to take today off. 

I don't think I've mentioned why I'm in physical therapy. My right lower back (truly my right SI joint) has been hurting for months. I saw my doc, we did x-rays, and she recommended PT. It took over a month for me to get in to PT, which is kind of dumb. While waiting for PT, the pain was constantly achy with sharp stabs. It hurt mostly when I was sitting, so I couldn't sit for long periods. Standing, walking, laying down . . . mostly okay. Now it's mainly achy, though I do get sharp stabs with certain movements. It's a lot better than what it was though. There was no injury, no reason I could see as to why I'm hurting. My therapist thinks it's repetitive motions from work and that my muscles finally said screw you. At least I'm able to sit comfortably now without it hurting too much. I'm trying to strengthen my core and I'm doing my exercises at home, but so far I haven't noticed much of a difference. And PT is expensive (my copay is $77 each visit), so I was hoping to not have to have many sessions. So far I've had 4 and have another one this Thursday. Oy. 

Everything else is status quo. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my day, besides laundry. Never ending laundry. 

Tuesday 12/17/24 Damn, it's been awhile

 It's been a month and a half since I last wrote! Holy crap! I have to admit though, I haven't been spending much time in my office as of late (which is a shame). I've been doing other things. Like reading and cleaning and going through a stop-binge-and-emotional-eating program. I've missed being in my office. I cleaned it up, got rid of a bunch of crap, and organized it, so it's quite nice to be in. I've just been . . . busy, I guess. I haven't done any artwork in about a month as well (and my last artwork was a doodle). 

So. My eating program. It's set up so that I do a module a week, and each module is anywhere from 4 to 8ish videos chock full of info on emotional and binge eating and how to overcome it. I mostly emotionally eat (when I'm stressed, sad, anxious, bored, happy . . .), but this sometimes turns into binge eating. It mostly happens at work, where I just can't seem to control myself. So I've been doing this program. Tomorrow I'll unlock week 5. And I must say, I've been doing better. And not beating myself up when I have a slip up (which is something I was doing on the regular). I'm proud of myself. I've also been exercising consistently on my days off from work, doing yoga and weights. And I freaking LOVE yoga! I recently bought myself a nice yoga mat, which is a game changer (the mat I was using was a cheap foam-ish mat that I slipped on). So yeah. I've been doing good on that front. I haven't lost much weight - in fact, I've gained 9 pounds since being off the semaglutide. However, I don't really care because I'm feeling so much better. I didn't realize how horrible I felt on the semaglutide until I stopped it. It was awful. 

Mood wise I've been fabulous. I've been stable for, I don't know, over a year? I'm having normal emotions and a normal range of emotions, which is spectacular. I feel good. I don't really get anxious anymore, I haven't been depressed, haven't been irritable . . . I'm just doing so freaking good! It's a breath of fresh air, you have no idea. There is, however, one thing I really need to work on. And that's my impulsive purchases. I'm bad about that. Really bad. And it makes me feel guilty. With black Friday and cyber Monday I kinda went overboard. I bought several bracelets, a necklace, a new hoodie (which I did need), a new collar for Moya (which she did need), some artwork, a yoga inspired shirt, and various other little things. The small purchases add up. I know this. And yet I still do it. Funny thing, I feel I did good. Because I didn't buy half of the stuff I wanted. But still, it needs to stop. I'm going to apply the techniques I'm learning from my food course to spending, see if it helps. I'm hoping it does. Because yeah. Sometimes I think Jer wants to shake me because of this. 

Anyhoo, that's about it for now. Toodle loo.

Monday 11/4/24 Jury Duty!!

 That's right. I have jury duty today. Luckily I didn't have to show up at 8am - I'm a "backup juror". So I have to call at 11:30 to see if I have to go in this afternoon. I was supposed to work today so I kind of have a free day off, which I'm fine with. 

It's been a minute again since I've posted. There isn't anything much going on, I'm stable and happy, we're pretty boring . . . I always seem to post more when I'm not doing well. 

I guess the only exciting news is with Ayden - he was accepted to UCCS, which is his first choice in colleges. He'll be going into their psych program as he wants to be a therapist. Last Friday he got to tour the school and have lunch and a meet-and-greet with some of the academic advisors. I'm very proud of him. He's also been driving more since we bought him his own car. Which is great because, well, next year he'll be in college and there's no way we can drive him to and from classes. UCCS is about a 15 minute drive from our house which is very convenient. I believe Ayden is planning on living at home while he gets his degree to save some money (living in Colorado is freaking EXPENSIVE). We'll help him in whatever way we can.

As for my back pain, it's still there. Not as frequent, and not as bad, but I still get it. Wednesday will have been 3 weeks off of semaglutide so I guess I'll probably be going back to the doctor's office for imaging and physical therapy. Ugh. I was really hoping that it would go away. I don't think I'm going to start back up on the semaglutide though - it's been so nice not being nauseous all the time. I've actually been able to work out consistently these past 3 weeks which feels wonderful. I have however gained 3 pounds back. Annoying. Because my appetite is back with a vengeance. I feel hungry all the time, even after I've just finished eating. Which makes it really hard to eat less. I'm hoping the exercising will counteract the increase in calories so I don't gain more weight. I still want to lose another 20 pounds! Time will tell I guess.

Anyway, that's all for now. 

Wednesday 10/16/24 What a Pain

 Literally. A pain in my back. Ugh. Back pain sucks. It's been going on for around 4-5 months? Ever since I started semaglutide. It's not constant, thank God, but it hurts. It's mid back, from about T6-T11. A nagging ache that motrin and Tylenol don't touch. Laying down is the only thing that helps. It's worse at work and usually starts in the afternoon or evening and continues until I lay down to go to sleep. I'd rate it about a 5 on the pain scale. So I saw my doctor about it this morning and she wants me to stop the semaglutide for 3 weeks to see if the pain goes away. If not, then it's physical therapy and imaging. 

I'm a little nervous about stopping the semaglutide. I've lost 38 pounds on it so far. I was hoping to lose another 20. Without the semaglutide I'm worried about being able to do that. Of course, I had planned on stopping it when my current supply is gone (about a month and a week left) because I'm tired of the nausea all the time. So I'm just stopping sooner. I'll just need to be aware of how much I'm eating and continue with my new eating habits. And also work out consistently. I can do this. I know I can.

In other news, I got a new tattoo! Hooray! Finally! I got my Kitsune on my left forearm. It has 3 tails - one each for myself, Jeremy, and Ayden. With cherry blossoms and a lotus flower. I love it so much! I really wish I could get blogger to let me upload images but it just won't. I don't know why. I've tried everything I know to do. Oh well. Just know that it looks soooooo good! I posted pics on my Instagram, so I guess you could look there (@clparr82). 

Work is work. I thankfully haven't been charge every shift anymore. I've had some floor days and nursery days, which is lovely. So that's better. 

Anyhoo, that's all I guess.

Thursday 9/26/25 Happy Belated Birthday to Me

 Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 46 years old - officially closer to 50 than to 40. Which is kind of weird. Because I feel like I'm maybe in my early 30's (and my sense of humor would suggest that I'm a 13 year old boy). But, no, I'm 46. Anyway, I spent the day painting bookmarks and being otherwise lazy. We got Chic Fil A for dinner and then went out for ice cream. It was a nice, relaxed day. 

Today I haven't really done anything. Showered . . . um, that's it. I'm meeting up with a friend this afternoon and we're going to face time our other friend who moved out of state to "celebrate" my birthday. It should be good. I get to open presents. And Lesley - our friend who moved - always gives me the most ridiculous shit. I have two packages from her that I haven't been allowed to open until we face time today. 

Tomorrow I work and Saturday we're heading up to the mountains to see the fall colors - the aspens are changing!

We bought Ayden his own car - a 2006 Scion TC (Scion is made by Toyota). He loves it! And is actually driving now (which was our goal). And he's doing well with driving. I'm actually pretty relaxed in the car with him (I wasn't relaxed when he was driving the 4Runner). So this is good. We got him a dash cam and he put some stickers on the back window and showed it off to his friends. He seems motivated now. Hooray! Although it is a reminder of how grown up he is. Oy. 

That's all for now. Bye!

Monday 9/9/24 Sick

 Sick. We've all been sick this past week and a half. It's been great fun. I didn't think one person could produce so much mucus, but here we are. I'm feeling better, mostly, still feel tired and run down, with a cough and runny nose and chest congestion. It started with Ayden, then Jeremy got sick, then me. I'm not enjoying this, to say the least. Oh well, life goes on.

There isn't anything else going on though. Work is work. I had to call in sick a day last week because of this cold. I was supposed to be nursery yesterday but ended up charge instead. Again. I'm so sick of being charge every single shift. It should start getting better this week - I'm scheduled on the floor the next two days I work, so . . . we'll see. 

My  weight loss has kind of stalled out at 30 pounds and I don't know how much longer I'm going to stay on the semiglutide. I'm tired of being nauseous all the time and gagging over everything (taking vitamins, drinking plain water, etc.). It's getting old. I was really hoping to lose another 20 pounds but I just don't know if that's going to happen. I definitely feel better where I'm at now than when I started - 30 pounds is a lot of weight! - but I still have a ways to go to be where I want to be. I don't know what my decision will be though. Time will tell I guess. 

That's all for now. I'm pretty boring.