Friday 10/23/20 I'm Cranky

 You read that right. I'm a little ball of crankiness. Everything is annoying me. Even my annoyance of things is annoying me. How stupid is that? I'll tell you - it's pretty stupid. And there's no reason for it. I woke up like this. Granted, I didn't sleep well, but that's no excuse for this tornado of fury that I am. Oy. 

I've been doing some painting lately. Quite a bit, actually. And have sold some paintings. Which is nice. I need money to fuel my taxidermy habit. No, really.

Anyway, overall I've been doing okay. Some slips and dips, but they are seemingly short lived. It's been a long week though. I worked last Sunday and I don't work again until tomorrow. Five days off in a row with not much to do. So it's been a long week. I can only paint for so long. And I haven't wanted to read. I can't seem to focus long enough to do so. But overall, I'm okay.

Until today.

Today I had to wake up in raging bitch mode for some reason. I'm able to keep it under wraps at least. I mean, I'm not lashing out at hubs or son or anything. But I'm so angry at some times that I almost break down sobbing. I hope this passes soon.

In other news, I went back to the endodontist who did my root canal because my tooth still hurts (2 months after said root canal). His answer was, "lets just wait longer and see what happens." Like, 4 months longer. Seriously. He said that my body is basically being an asshole and fighting the root canal with a prolonged inflammatory response. Oh goody. Can't I just have some part of my body function normally?? So I'm waiting another 4 months and then I go back and see him. If my tooth still hurts, we pull it. That's some bullshit right there. But, what can I do. Take ibuprofen, chew on my right side, and hope it gets better I guess. 

Not much else going on. I always seem to be tired. I always want to nap. I don't know if it's from poor sleeping, depression symptoms, or both. I want to nap right now. I would if I could. 

Let's close with a picture though. That sounds nice, doesn't it?

 My motivational raccoon. He's cute. I like him. 

Thursday 10/15/20 Stuff and Stuff

 Welp, it's been a week since my last post and I'm happy to say I'm not struggling as much. I'm still feeling down, disinterested and withdrawn, but it's not as prominent? That's not the word I'm looking for. It's not as all encompassing. Or as bad, I should say. I guess. 

I haven't been sleeping all that well. I'm up about every hour - and not even because I have to pee! No, my brain is just being an asshole and waking me up. So I've felt pretty damn exhausted the past few days. I mean, if I'm not going to sleep, can I at least have some hypomania to go with it? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. Oh well. 

I've been painting a little more. Here's a couple of foxes I did:

 

Aren't they cute? The coffee one looks a little wonky to me. Like, he didn't look as wonky when he was just inked. But when I added watercolor he got wonky. That's okay though - I still love him. 

Here's a shout out to myself: both of these paintings (and others) are available in my Etsy shop!

I might as well toot my own horn, right?

Anyway, there's not really much of anything going on. My tooth I had a root canal in is still hurting after a month and a half so that sucks. I go back to the endodontist next Tuesday to have it looked at (my dentist doesn't know what to do about it). He said maybe steroid injections at the base of the tooth to stop inflammation while it heals. Boy doesn't that sound fun . . . or not. One of the two. 

So for now I guess I just keep plugging along, trying to sleep, and trying not to let my lower mood get to me. What more can I do?

Thursday 10/8/20 Therapy and art

Two postings in one week? Holy cow! What's up with that?

I'll tell you. I had therapy today. It's been 8 weeks since my last appointment, which is quite a long time. The longest I've gone between sessions. Which is kinda weird. It shows that I've been doing better, even though I feel like I'm slipping. 

Speaking of slipping, M and I talked about that quite a bit today. And how I'm too hard on myself (I feel like a failure for having bad days and I do tend to beat myself up over it). The thing is, we don't really have an action plan. Nothing new at least. I'm to just keep plugging along, powering through, using all of my skills and tools that I've learned to fight back. Which in and of itself is kind of depressing. Because I'm using all of my skills and still back sliding a bit. I even started tearing up a bit while talking. Because it just seems so hopeless and pointless that I get to do this for the rest of my life. 

And unfair. 

But life isn't fair, is it? No, it isn't. And that sucks. 

I'm trying my best to stay positive. I've been painting upbeat, motivational things. Like this little guy:

  My positive paintings have been a hit with friends, coworkers and strangers alike. I've sold quite a few different ones. And some days I feel it. I feel like I can do the thing. But other days . . . I'd rather just sleep to escape. Today is a bit of a sleep-to-escape day. But I'm going to try not to. I'm going to try to read and power through. 

This is not the start of a depressive episode. It's not. I will beat whatever little funk I am in and get back to feeling good. 

Tuesday 10/6/20 Double Ugh

 Hey there! How's everyone doing (all 2 of my readers)?

Let's just get down to it. I've been having a series of down days. Last week when I posted I had had three. Well, now I've had more than that. Like, pretty much every day. Ugh.

Now, they're not terrible days, and I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely down. I feel that black cloud looming. And I'm not okay with it. For 3 months I've been doing so well . . . and now, just . . . ugh. I have no motivation, no drive, no inspiration, no real desire to do anything. I'm forcing myself to draw and paint - because at least that's something. I want to read, but I can't focus. I've been napping. Which when I do it every day is never a good sign. 

I feel myself slipping into old thought patterns. I'm trying desperately not to. But I am none the less. I've been thinking I need to start re-watching the videos in the depression program I did. Maybe having it fresh in my mind would help. Because just reading my notes isn't really doing anything. And I have therapy this Thursday. It's been 8 weeks since my last session. Before, I felt like I didn't need it anymore - today? Yeah. I need it. Maybe I'll gain some insight. 

I feel like a failure. Hubs and I spent a lot of money for me to go through the depression program and now I'm slipping again. Back sliding. Was it truly a waste of money? A few weeks ago it didn't seem that way, but now . . . now I almost feel otherwise. It's like I'm doomed to keep getting depressed. I just can't seem to shake it off completely. 

I'm trying not to catastrophize what I'm feeling, but boy is it hard. I'm trying to stay positive and do all the tricks I learned in my program. I'm trying to keep busy. But it seems like it isn't quite enough. 

Wednesday 9/30/20 Ugh

 It's hard to believe that it's almost October. Like, tomorrow is October! How crazy is that?? This has by far been the fastest, slowest year ever. Yes, both fast and slow. 

I'm writing today because I've actually had a couple of crap days and I feel the need to purge. Monday was a day of rage. Anger way out of proportion to what was going on. And what was going on? Nothing. Nothing was going on. I was just pissed off at everything. 

Every. Little. Thing.

Everything made me mad. It probably would have been comical to anyone watching me, but for me it was pure hell. Nothing triggered it - I woke up pissed. I managed to not scream and throw things. Barely. 

Yesterday and Monday I spent the day scanning paintings into the computer. Fifteen paintings to put in my Etsy shop and 179 personal paintings. That's 194 paintings I scanned. It took forever. But it's done. So Monday I was a ball of rage, and yesterday I was blah. All I did was plug along, scanning paintings, not really feeling. Didn't go to the gym because I wasn't really feeling it. Didn't do anything except scan paintings. 

And that brings us to today. Where I am blah and unmotivated and uninspired and frustrated because of this. I'm not depressed - I want to make that clear. I don't even think that I'm necessarily down . . . I'm just . . . here. I don't even know how to describe it. I'm just existing today. I'm physically taking up space but that's it. I'm flat. Emotionless. There are heavy, exasperated sighs often. I don't want to do anything. I have drawings to paint, the kitchen to clean, dinner to get in the crock pot. And I stare off into space, sighing occasionally. 

And that's why I needed to write today. Because maybe if I get this off my chest I'll feel better and become more animated. Maybe I'll accomplish something. Because right now? I was overwhelmed with having to decide what to have for lunch. Because right now I want to lay down and sleep until tomorrow. And again - I don't feel depressed. Not how I normally feel when I'm depressed. I'm just . . . so  . . . I don't know. BLAH. Flat. Kind of checked out for the day. 

I'm trying not to let this get me down. Because it can. And in the past it would have. I would take this as a sign I was getting bad again and I'm not letting myself do that this time. Not this time brain. Everyone has blah, uninspired, unmotivated days. That's normal, right? (please say it's normal) And that's what I'm experiencing - a transient off day. I'll be better soon. 

Hopefully by tomorrow because I work. 

Saturday 9//26/20 Birthday Fun

 So. Nothing much has been going on since my last post. Life is rather . . . boring. Which I guess is a good thing. Because I'm stable and doing well. But it's also boring. Ugh. What to do, what to do.

My birthday was yesterday. I turned 42. It's kind of hard to think of myself as being 42 since I still feel like I'm in my late 20's/early 30's. That's probably good. Better than feeling old. Hubby and I went up to Estes Park yesterday (small mountain town that I love) and hung out, walked the shops and around the lake, had lunch, and some delicious iced chai pumpkin lattes. It was a lovely day. And we topped it off with Chic-Fil-A, which I do love. 

I've still been having anger days. Those haven't seemed to go away at all. Once or twice a week. It's not crazy anger, thank goodness, but it's there, and it's annoying. But I'm dealing with it just fine, so that's good. Or at least I think I'm dealing with it fine. Hubs might beg to differ. 

Next week I'm going to start scanning my artwork into the computer. I'm not looking forward to this. At all. It's a boring, tedious process that takes forever. But it must be done! And having my artwork in the computer means I can share it here! For all of the 2-3 people who read my blog to see! Haha! Yes!

So yeah. Life is pretty boring right now. But I have no depression so that's good. 

The End. 

For today at least.  

Monday 9/14/20 Doctor Day

 I saw my psychiatrist today. And I broke the news to him that I took myself off of lithium (and have been off of lithium for about 3 weeks now).  I was a little nervous as to what he would say (seeing how I didn't consult him on it). To my surprise he was okay with it. 

See, I've had side effects from the lithium for a long time. Years. Tremors in my hands and legs, swelling in my feet and ankles, insatiable thirst (which leads to me drinking a gallon of water a day and then peeing all the time), zero libido . . . And, quite honestly, I'm tired of it. Which is why, with the blessing of my hubby, I started weaning myself off 2 months ago. I went slow, going from 3 pills to 2, from 2 to 1, and then taking 1 every other day, to finally being off of it. And so far? I feel good. No ill effects. No hypomania. My tremors are almost gone. My swelling has gone down. My libido is coming back! 

I'm still on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and 2 antidepressants (Pristiq and Wellbutrin). Hopefully these will keep me stable. I think they will. Dr. M and I discussed what to look for that would warrant going back on lithium (mainly hypomania) and agreed for me to see him again in 3 months unless something pops up. I'm hoping nothing pops up. I like being stable. It's a nice place to be. 

In other news, I'm still having some anger here and there. Yesterday was an anger day. Not a horrible anger day, but the anger was there, bubbling below the surface. It was also an "off" day. A day where I felt a bit down and empty on top of the anger. To put it bluntly, I hated it. I know I'm not going to be sunshine and rainbows every day - that's not realistic for anyone - but I get a little anxious in spite of myself that these days are signalling a resurgence of my depression. It's hard for me not to think like that, even when I try desperately not to. 

I'm having these days about once a week, which in my opinion is too frequently. But then, I don't know how people who don't have mental illness feel, how often they have crappy days, or what they think of them. So I'm not a good judge. But I'm pushing myself through them, reminding myself how far I've come, and that I have all the tools I need to fight these days. And in the long run, I do okay. 

Although I'd still rather not have these days at all. Oh well. I'd like to talk to my therapist about it, but sadly, I don't see him until October 8th. Ugh. He texted me today and said he needed to cancel our appointment next week and reschedule. Of course the days he's available I work. So now it's not until the 8th. That's still 3 weeks away. It's already been 5 weeks since I last saw him. This is probably the longest I've gone between sessions in the last 8 years. How freaking crazy is that?? I'll answer for you - it's freaking crazy! But also a testament to how well I'm actually doing. So I guess I'll wear that as a badge of honor.