Friday 9/17/21

 Well, another week has gone by and there's nothing really exciting going on. Like, nothing exciting. Work and work and more work. And some time drawing and painting and sewing. There's a toy con in December that I'm thinking about getting a booth at so I need to have product for that, right? So that means I've got to stay busy on my days off drawing and painting and sewing. I really could have used a nap today but I didn't. I did 5 paintings and sewed two little owls instead. Which makes 7 owls I've made. Although I sold 2 of them so now I only have 5. They're cute little things. But anyway . . .

I still feel burnt out at work. It's just so stupidly busy. I already need another break. I have around 240 PTO hours so I can certainly afford to take one. But I neglected to do so on the next schedule so I'm shit out of luck for awhile. The holidays are coming up and everyone has requested time off so I'll be hard pressed to get something. Maybe I'll do what I did in August and take a day off here and there so I have a longer span of time off. We'll see. I need to though. 

My birthday is next Saturday. I want to get another tattoo for it (if you saw last week's post you know what I'm leaning towards). I just have to convince hubby to let me get it sooner rather than later. 

Ugh. That's it I guess. Nothing else going on.

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.  

Tuesday 8/31/21 Stuff 'n stuff

 Tomorrow is September, which is crazy. This summer has gone by so freaking fast. It's going to be my birthday soon!! Yay!

On the tooth front . . . ohmygosh I've been in so much pain y'all. Like, ridiculous amounts of pain. I've been taking motrin, tylenol, naproxen, and norco around the clock. Today was the first day (in a week) I haven't been near tears several times a day. It's this gnawing, throbbing, aching pain that just doesn't go away. My lord it's terrible. I'm now at the point where I get to "irrigate" the giant hole where my tooth was. It looks like a freaking cavern in my mouth. And I irrigate it after every time I eat something to make sure no food bits get left behind in there. Gross. And last night while I was irrigating the stitch came out. Which, they told me it would, but it was so nasty. This little spider looking thing falling out of my mouth. Ugh. No bueno. I really hope I never have to have another tooth pulled because this has sucked balls. Like, a lot.

Okay. Enough about that.

Soooooooo, I'm seriously thinking about trying to get a booth at a con. To sell my art and plushies. Colorado Springs Comic Con would be freaking amazing but I may need to start out smaller. Like a toy con or something. Which means I better get producing! Art and plushies! And I have to find a decently priced print shop so I can make prints of some of my Bipolar Chronicles stuff. How awesome would that be?? To have a booth and sell my stuff?? Hell yeah! (I just ordered some fabric, teehee!)

I go back to work this Friday. This past week has gone by way too quickly. Ten days off wasn't enough time. I want MOAR! Oh well. Back to the grind. But now, with the prospect of a con, maybe I'll have some drive and motivation to do stuff on my days off. Like draw and paint and sew. Hopefully. And hopefully my morale will be a bit better because I was pretty darn burnt out before this little break. 

Wednesday 8/25/21 My Tooth

 Well, I had my tooth yanked yesterday. The procedure itself wasn't that bad as I was under anesthesia. But the aftermath? Ugh. 

The dentist numbed me up in addition to the anesthesia, so when I woke up I felt pretty darn good, albeit a little sleepy. We went home and I slept for a couple hours, then decided that I should eat something. I removed the bloody gauze from my mouth and made myself some oatmeal and a protein shake. Which was a bad idea in hindsight. It made me nauseous. Now I'm nauseous and still groggy so I put more gauze in my mouth and went and laid back down. I slept for a couple more hours and when I woke up I was in an incredible amount of pain - the numbness had worn off and I could feel everything. My mouth was throbbing and aching and had stabbing pain, my head was throbbing and aching. I was a mess. I took motrin and naproxen but for 2 hours I was in pain. 

I went to bed at my normal time, despite sleeping all day, and I took a Norco before bed so I'd be sure to sleep. I drooled though. I drooled blood onto my pillow. So today I had to wash the sheets because I got bloody drool on them. Go me. But hey - clean sheets and jammies tonight! 

Today the pain hasn't been too bad. I took Motrin this morning and after lunch, along with a dose of Tylenol, and I'm doing pretty good. A little bit of throbbing, definitely sore and bruised, but a lot better than I was last night. 

What a great way to spend my "vacation" time. I don't go back to work until the 3rd. Another week and a couple days off to relax and do whatever. Probably nap. Definitely nap. And draw and sew. But most definitely nap. 

Friday 8/20/21 Yeah

 Wow. It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Crazy. I didn't think it had been this long. And the sad thing? Nothing much is going on. It's pretty much been the same thing, over and over. 

Work is still busy as fuck. I'm still burnt out. I'm still working my extra shifts and being asked to work more (I don't though). But I only have 3 more shifts until I have 10 days off. Ten glorious days in a row without work. I'm so looking forward to it. The thing that sucks though is that the first day of the ten off I'm having a molar pulled. I am NOT looking forward to that. It's the molar I had a root canal done on. When the dentist did the root canal, some of the sealant went through the root and into my jaw. So this isn't going to be an easy wiggle-wiggle-pull type of procedure. No, they'll probably have to shatter the tooth and pull out the pieces. My dentist told me to do it under anesthesia because of the pain. Joy. And told me that I would be in pain for several days after. Severe pain. Double joy. So the first few days of my time off will be spent recovering from this. Oh! And I get to have nothing but soft foods for two weeks. Triple joy.

Let's move on to something less horrible - today marks the end of the first week of high school for my son. I can't believe I have a high schooler!! And to think that next March he can get his learner's permit. He'll be driving! It's pretty cool though, watching him grow and change over the years . . . He's such a good kid. The best kid really. I'm so proud of him. 

I've had a hard time with motivation and inspiration lately. The only thing I'm motivated to do is sleep. Nap. Go to bed. It's awful. I hate that I feel this way. And with my artwork I have no inspiration. No drive to do or make anything. Every once in awhile I'll get a little spark. The tiniest little burst of inspiration, but always at the most inopportune time. And then - poof - it's gone. I want to sew cute things, but I don't know what. Or how. (I'm really over the whole zombie thing). And I want to draw and paint things . . . I just don't know what. I see other people's work and I'm jealous - I wish I could create something that others want to buy. But I'm stuck in a rut. A rut with no creativity. 

In other news, I awoke to a text from my bank yesterday stating that they noticed suspicious activity on my debit card. Checked the account and someone apparently hacked my Etsy account and went on a spending spree. Luckily Etsy caught it, cancelled the orders, and the money was refunded. So yesterday and this morning were spent trying to get my account back and protected. We cancelled my bank card so I had to get a new one. I've changed my password on Etsy 4 times now (as I keep getting shut out and prompted to create a new password). It's been a stressful mess. So I changed my passwords to everything. Ugh. What a pain in the ass. 

That's about it. There's not much else going on. Work and blah and exhaustion.  

Thursday 7/29/21 I got my tattoo!

 Holy cow y'all! July is almost over! This summer has flown by! Just, really flown by. It's hard to believe that my son will be starting high school on August 16th - that's not far away. It's crazy. But it's happening. 

In other news, yes, I'm still burnt out at work. It's been a little better, but I'm still burnt out. This week is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (although I was asked if I'd work today too - I declined). This week has been ever so slightly slower, but still busy in the big scheme of things. Still looking forward to my time off in August. 

Also, today has been weird. I woke up feeling weak and lightheaded and stayed that way all morning. I was planning on getting on the spin bike and doing legs, but I couldn't. Just walking bills out to the mailbox made me short of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out. I don't know what was up. I've also had the trots today, all morning really. That seems to have subsided now. Thank goodness! I don't like feeling how I was. I thought maybe low blood sugar or low blood pressure, but I have no way to test those theories. I've eaten breakfast and lunch and am feeling a bit better now, but still like I have no energy. Which is annoying. I want to be able to workout. 

And, like the title says, I did get my tattoo last Friday! I love it! I went with a new artist this time around and couldn't be happier. It only took 2 hours and didn't hurt at all. 

This was taken two days after having it done (it's currently in the peeling stage). My little chickadee. This is on the top of my right forearm. Pretty darn cool, right? It's my own artwork, as are most of my tattoos. 

Tuesday 7/20/21 Been a Minute

 It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. No real reason really, just nothing much to say I guess. 

I'm so burnt out at work. It's been so busy and I've been working my call shifts in addition to my regular shifts. I need a break. A real break. I'm taking ten days off the end of August (for getting my tooth pulled) and it can't come fast enough. I'm at the point where I practically dread going into work. I work the next two days and I wish I didn't. I'm so tired of work. I'm so burnt out. And I don't know what to do about it. I know everybody gets this way about their job from time to time . . . it's just that I've felt this way for the past several months with no end in sight. I'm crankier. I don't connect as much with my patients. And I'm losing patience. I'm just so tired. It's hard to find the joy in what I do right now. Maybe if it wasn't so damn busy all the time. Maybe if we weren't short staffed every single day. Maybe if I could just take a break. I don't know. But I'm sick of feeling this way. 

In my last post I believe I talked about joining Warrior Babe Blueprint - a nutrition and fitness program. I've watched quite a few of the modules now and I'm counting my macros. I'm working out consistently. And I lost four pounds this past week. It's pretty awesome. I'm on my way to a new, healthier, sustainable lifestyle. And I'm thankful for that. I've learned a lot through the modules and I'm now applying it to my life. I'm going to crush my weight loss goals!

This Friday I'm getting my next tattoo - a chickadee on a pine tree branch. It's weird, but I haven't gotten really excited about it. I think because I'm thinking that something is going to happen so that I can't get it. Which would suck. Because I really want this tattoo. I'm sure Friday morning I'll be excited. 

Also, the past couple of weeks I've been having more twangs of anxiety. They don't last long, but they're there. And it's annoying. I'm feeling anxious right now in fact. Which is super dumb because I'm just sitting on the couch typing this. Nothing else is going on. I mean, WTF brain?? What's up with this??

This post wouldn't be complete without me writing something about my grandpa. See, my grandpa has been deteriorating rapidly the past week or so. He has congestive heart failure and 3rd stage kidney failure. And, I guess, dementia. He has been acting erratically and was even sent to a psych hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideation. He punched a nurse there. They sent him back to the medical hospital because of his declining health. He remains there. My mom and her hubby are driving out to see him and help my grandma move into an assisted living facility. I don't know what's going to come of all of this. My grandpa is in bad shape and it would probably be best for him to pass. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know this has added stress to my life, even though I'm not particularly close to him. He's still family and this is rough. 

So I'm burnt out, with added family stress and anxiety resurfacing. No wonder I'm feeling like crap. I'm trying to prioritize self care, with naps and working out high up there on the list. 

I guess that's it for today.