Day 40

Wow. It's been a while since I last wrote. I'll be honest though, there isn't really anything exciting going on. Not really.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel, and this really is not an easy fucking task. Seriously. Because here's the thing - I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm just, normal, I guess.

But there's a problem with normal, and this is what I've been trying to figure out. See, I feel like something is missing. From my life. Like, something major, but I don't know what it is, only that it's gone.

And I still feel like I'm on the sidelines of my life. I'm just observing. Everything is passing me by, I feel left out out. And I'm pretty sure this shows at times. Like when I'm at work trying to take part in a conversation but I'm really just staring creepily at everyone while they're talking and I'm trying to nod and chuckle and look interested but I just look weird.

I go around at work and in life feeling withdrawn and reserved and quiet and not at all like myself. I have moments - don't get me wrong - where I'm more like myself. Where I come out of my shell and make jokes or act silly or, well, inappropriately because that's what I do . . . But those instances are few and far between. And I miss it.

I've been trying to get this all back. I've been trying like crazy to get it back. I go out of my way to make conversations at work. I'm making conversations with people I ordinarily wouldn't talk to (which makes me uncomfortable, honestly). I try making jokes, I try acting silly, but everything just falls flat (except for the towel penis incident).

People comment on how I seem so much more happy, more calm, more talkative, and like I'm doing so much better. And I guess yeah, I am. I mean, I'm not depressed, I'm purposefully trying to engage everyone in conversation, and I am doing so much better. I should just be fucking happy with this, right??

And yet I still feel empty. Hollow. I don't know what to do with myself. Literally and figuratively. I already spend one day a week volunteering with horses and disabled kids. I spend two days a week delivering babies. I paint . . . and then do fun stuff like clean the house. What the fuck more should I do . . .

Oh, and I also seem to have this whole anger thing. I'm very quick to anger and it's pretty volatile. Great fun.

So I don't know. Figuring this shit out is my ongoing project for now. In the background. I'm not letting it take center stage. My bipolar has been center stage for far too long so now it gets the back burner.

So yeah. There ya go.

Day 17

I'm trying to figure out this stability stuff and I'm kind of struggling with that. I think I'm struggling because I'm having depressive symptoms. I had a couple of days last week where I was in full blown bipolar rage. Just. So. Angry. It was bad.

And now, well, the last couple of days, today included, I've been having suicidal thoughts. I've wanted to cut. And while I didn't necessarily feel depressed, I feel melancholy and withdrawn and distant.

I know that stability and recovery are a process. An ever going process that I'll always have to work at. Let's be honest - I say I know this, but I often forget it. I have to remember that I have bipolar disorder. I can be stable and doing well and then wake up to full blown depression or mania for no reason. I can't forget that.

I'm starting to think though that this melancholy is my "normal". This is just how I am. And it's better than I was when I was depressed. I should be thankful. I was just hoping there'd be something more. I don't like that I'm still questioning the purpose and meaning of life to the extent of having suicidal thoughts. And I'm not doing this shit on purpose. I try my best to counter or stop these thoughts.

I don't know. This is just frustrating.