What the fuck is wrong with me? Why does part of me want to be sick again? What kind of twisted, fucked up person am I??
No, seriously.
What. The actual. Fuck. Is wrong with me?
There is a small part of me that wants to be sick again. That wants to be hospitalized again. And I just . . . I don't understand it. At all. I can't even fathom wanting to be sick again. It's awful. It's horrible. And to actually want to be like that? Depressed again? Suicidal again? No. I don't get it.
It's actually very difficult for me to even write about this, to get it out there. I'm embarrassed of it. Ashamed of it. And it makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I've gone through so much and worked so hard to get stable and part of me wants to throw it all away. And for what? Attention?
Attention. That's about the only thing I can come up with. Because I do get more attention when I'm sick. But that attention? It's not worth my stability. So I don't know . . .
What else could it be . . . Familiarity? I am used to being depressed. I've spent most of my life depressed and let's be honest - stability is a little scary. I don't know how to act. I don't know what "normal" is.
But stability is so wonderful. It's so much better than the hell of depression. Stability is even better than hypomania (let's be honest - that's because I usually get irritable hypomania, not euphoric). Stability is necessary for my family, necessary for work, necessary for me.
So why? Why does part of me want to be sick again?
Monday, February 25, 2019
Sunday, February 17, 2019
2/17/19
I'm sitting on the couch drinking tea, listening to music. I should be content. I should feel good. But I don't. I'm not sure what's going on other than I'm having an identity crisis of sorts. I guess. I really don't know.
I was putting on makeup this morning and took a really good look at myself. Y'all, I don't even recognize myself. I've gained so much weight - so much fucking weight - that I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm not who I used to be and it brought me to tears.
I feel so fat and disgusting and ugly right now it's not even funny. My self esteem is nonexistent. It makes me feel so low. I'm trying to make changes in my diet and physical activity to combat this but it's proven to be REALLY. FUCKING. HARD. I'm trying. My diet is actually pretty good. I need to get active though, I know this, but it's so hard when all you want to do is sleep. I've been so exhausted the past few months so it's been hard.
I'm trying.
And you know what? It's not just the weight (though that's the main thing), it's also the fact that I'm getting older. I'm 40 people and my face is changing. I have more wrinkles, I have grey hair. I think this is harder for me to swallow than I ever thought it would be. I just assumed I would age gracefully.
Apparently I'm not.
I was putting on makeup this morning and took a really good look at myself. Y'all, I don't even recognize myself. I've gained so much weight - so much fucking weight - that I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm not who I used to be and it brought me to tears.
I feel so fat and disgusting and ugly right now it's not even funny. My self esteem is nonexistent. It makes me feel so low. I'm trying to make changes in my diet and physical activity to combat this but it's proven to be REALLY. FUCKING. HARD. I'm trying. My diet is actually pretty good. I need to get active though, I know this, but it's so hard when all you want to do is sleep. I've been so exhausted the past few months so it's been hard.
I'm trying.
And you know what? It's not just the weight (though that's the main thing), it's also the fact that I'm getting older. I'm 40 people and my face is changing. I have more wrinkles, I have grey hair. I think this is harder for me to swallow than I ever thought it would be. I just assumed I would age gracefully.
Apparently I'm not.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
2/13/19
Would you look at that, the day before Valentine's day. Isn't that special?
No, not really. It's really not. I never really got Valentine's day, other than it being a commercial holiday. Hubs and I don't celebrate it. Seems a waste of money.
Anyway, my low mood seems to be continuing. It's not bad, it's just . . . noticeable. I'm a little off, a little down, a little empty, a little bit not me. So there's that. And then I spoke to my mom this week. Or should I say I listened to her ramble on about nothing. She had been drinking already (it was 12:30pm when she called) and she was past tipsy but not quite drunk yet. It made me realize something. It made me realize how little I want to have anything to do with her. It made me realize how truly stressed out I get when she even texts me. It made me realize how angry and anxious hearing her voice makes me. It made me realize how futile it is trying to have a relationship with her.
And see, I've been trying to have a relationship with her. But it's just . . . it's not working. I'm really at the point where I can't stand the woman. She embarrasses me, she makes me angry and anxious and uncomfortable. And she's in such strong denial about her drinking that she could be pouring vodka into a glass and drinking it and still deny that she drinks alcohol. To say it's frustrating is a vast understatement.
I've been working on all this in therapy, have read the ACOA books (Adult Children of Alcoholics), been to ACOA meetings . . . I've talked with hubs and my friends about it and gotten advice from them. I don't know what else to do. I'm really at the point where I want to cut off all communication.
I can't, of course, do that because we have a loan through her. So there has to be some form of communication. Which, let's face it, I dread.
I guess this will be the topic of discussion in therapy next week. Joy.
No, not really. It's really not. I never really got Valentine's day, other than it being a commercial holiday. Hubs and I don't celebrate it. Seems a waste of money.
Anyway, my low mood seems to be continuing. It's not bad, it's just . . . noticeable. I'm a little off, a little down, a little empty, a little bit not me. So there's that. And then I spoke to my mom this week. Or should I say I listened to her ramble on about nothing. She had been drinking already (it was 12:30pm when she called) and she was past tipsy but not quite drunk yet. It made me realize something. It made me realize how little I want to have anything to do with her. It made me realize how truly stressed out I get when she even texts me. It made me realize how angry and anxious hearing her voice makes me. It made me realize how futile it is trying to have a relationship with her.
And see, I've been trying to have a relationship with her. But it's just . . . it's not working. I'm really at the point where I can't stand the woman. She embarrasses me, she makes me angry and anxious and uncomfortable. And she's in such strong denial about her drinking that she could be pouring vodka into a glass and drinking it and still deny that she drinks alcohol. To say it's frustrating is a vast understatement.
I've been working on all this in therapy, have read the ACOA books (Adult Children of Alcoholics), been to ACOA meetings . . . I've talked with hubs and my friends about it and gotten advice from them. I don't know what else to do. I'm really at the point where I want to cut off all communication.
I can't, of course, do that because we have a loan through her. So there has to be some form of communication. Which, let's face it, I dread.
I guess this will be the topic of discussion in therapy next week. Joy.
Friday, February 8, 2019
2/8/19
This post will be relatively short. Probably.
Anyway, I went to the doctor this week (my primary physician) as I've been extremely fatigued as of late. For the past 2 months really. I have several symptoms of hypothyroidism and I wanted to get it checked out. Doc thinks I'm just not sleeping well, doesn't think I'm hypothyroid, but ran a crap ton of labs on me just to be sure. Now I'm just waiting for those results to come back. In the meantime, I'm on water restriction after 7pm and no caffeine after 7pm, to see if that helps my sleeping (currently I wake up 3-4 times a night to pee).
We'll see.
Today has actually been kind of a crap day. My mood is low, I'm being really hard on myself for everything you could possibly think of, and I'm, well, fatigued. So it's been a rough day. I'd really like to curl up in bed, go to sleep, and not wake up until tomorrow morning (it's 2:30pm right now). But alas, I can't. I have to push through the day and be an adult. I don't understand why I have to, maybe one of you could explain that to me.
So yeah. I just had to get that out. Hope you all are having a great day. You know, my one person who reads this.
Anyway, I went to the doctor this week (my primary physician) as I've been extremely fatigued as of late. For the past 2 months really. I have several symptoms of hypothyroidism and I wanted to get it checked out. Doc thinks I'm just not sleeping well, doesn't think I'm hypothyroid, but ran a crap ton of labs on me just to be sure. Now I'm just waiting for those results to come back. In the meantime, I'm on water restriction after 7pm and no caffeine after 7pm, to see if that helps my sleeping (currently I wake up 3-4 times a night to pee).
We'll see.
Today has actually been kind of a crap day. My mood is low, I'm being really hard on myself for everything you could possibly think of, and I'm, well, fatigued. So it's been a rough day. I'd really like to curl up in bed, go to sleep, and not wake up until tomorrow morning (it's 2:30pm right now). But alas, I can't. I have to push through the day and be an adult. I don't understand why I have to, maybe one of you could explain that to me.
So yeah. I just had to get that out. Hope you all are having a great day. You know, my one person who reads this.
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