Saturday 10/22/22 Stuff and Things

 Been a bit since I last posted! There hasn't been a ton going on, really. I've had five ketamine infusions so far - my 6th and final infusion is Monday. My 5th infusion (this past Thursday), was intense. The doc went up on the dose and boy could I tell a difference. I felt lost inside my own head. Momentarily thought maybe I wouldn't come back down. It wasn't scary, it was just intense. And I could see how someone might feel scared or anxious because of it. I was able to keep myself grounded enough though, kept reminding myself that I was safe, sitting in a comfy recliner. It took a bit longer to wear off, too. When I left the clinic I felt tipsy still (obviously I wasn't driving - my hubby was). 

So how have these infusions been treating me? Pretty good, actually. I'm feeling like myself again, which is amazing. I'm not happy all the time - don't get me wrong - but I'm feeling emotions. I have a range of emotions instead of feeling either depressed or nothing. I still have "blah" moments but hey, who doesn't? I'm better able to handle myself at work, I'm more quick to smile and laugh, I'm not getting overwhelmed. This is all pretty darn amazing! I'm just hoping these results last. Dr. Jeff (the anesthesiologist who runs the infusions) said that some people need a booster infusion once a month, others have gone a year before needing a booster - everyone is different. I'm really hoping I don't need to have one monthly (mainly because of the cost - each infusion is $275). And I mean, it would just be cool to be able to go longer. The important thing is that it works. It's helped me. That's HUGE. 

In other news, we're actively planning our trip to Japan. It's looking like we'll be there May 25th through June 10th. Craziness! We have a travel agent who is helping set up our itinerary, flights, hotels, etc. It makes me realize that yes, indeed, this is happening. Which, honestly, is a little scary. And exciting. But still scary. The highlight of the trip for me will be visiting Nara and seeing all the bowing deer. Seriously - the deer bow to you to be fed! I can't wait for that! I love deer! In addition, we'll be staying in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. It will be a whirlwind trip, lots to see and do. 

I've been painting here and there, not terribly frequently, but when I feel like it. I desperately need to update my Etsy shop, which I plan on doing on Monday and Wednesday this week. I have paintings I need to scan and post. Quite a few. I've been neglecting it. Oh well. I'll get there.  

Tuesday 10/11/22 Ketamine Infusions

 Today I had my second ketamine infusion (my first one was last Thursday). I have my 3rd this Friday. The infusions are . . . interesting. It's very difficult to describe what they're like because they're ever changing and fluid and just . . . I don't know.

So they start by starting an IV and getting an initial set of vital signs. The ketamine is mixed with 60ml of saline and is infused over 40 minutes. My first dose was 35mg, my second was 40mg. The ketamine dose is weight based and isn't enough to put you to sleep. It's just enough to give you a controlled high. And that's basically what it is - a controlled high. Or trip, if you prefer. I sit in a comfortable recliner, sleep mask on, ear buds in. The music is meditation music, very soft and lulling. The nurse leaves a pulse ox on one finger and a blood pressure cuff on so they can monitor vitals during the infusion. The room is a comfortable temperature and the lights are dimmed (though I can't tell that because I have a sleep mask on). The infusion starts.

At first I feel warmth flow throughout my body and an almost sinking feeling, like I'm becoming one with the chair. Then floating. Drifting along either in water or air, I'm not sure, but definitely floating. Despite having my eyes closed and a sleep mask on I see colors. Mostly greens, blues, and purples, forming undulating waves that change into geometric patterns and then back to waves. It's very calming and relaxing. I can feel my pulse throughout my body but it is not bothersome - rather, it's comforting. The soft music seems to be coming from everywhere, from within me - not from my headphones. There is no sense of time. Thoughts come and go, seemingly random, but sometimes purposeful. However, I cannot grasp onto them. They flow through me, in front of me, behind me, with the colors and shapes. I feel warm and heavy and somehow outside of my body, but still attached to it. Occasionally, I can feel the blood pressure cuff squeeze my arm, a reminder that I'm grounded. If I feel like I'm floating too high I merely move my fingers and feel the chair and I know that I'm safe and comfortable. This continues on for some time before I start to feel sensations: the chair beneath me, my position, my shoes, my fingers. The colors dissipate and I'm more aware of my surroundings. I feel the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox being removed. I sit for a few minutes before removing my eye mask and ear buds. I feel calm, a little tipsy perhaps. But calm and comfortable and relaxed. The doctor and nurse come in and check on me and it's time to go. Hubby is there to drive me home. The tipsiness wears off quickly, before I'm even down to the car. 

That's the gist of how it feels. Last Thursday was more floating, today was more of almost being enveloped by marshmallows. Cushiony soft surrounding me, pressing in on me. I felt more today than last Thursday, presumably because of the increased dose. The downfall today was that even though I went to the bathroom right before the infusion started, as I was coming to I realized I had to pee. Like, bad. I had to call out for the nurse and she helped me to the bathroom as I was still a bit unsteady on my feet. Luckily it didn't happen while the infusion was still going. But it was annoying nonetheless (damn bladder). 

After my first infusion, I noticed at work the next day I was less overwhelmed. I was able to joke a little bit and actually genuinely smile. It was a breath of fresh air. It gives me hope that these infusions will help with the depression. 

I have therapy on Thursday, most likely my last session with Mike. And that will be difficult. Then an infusion on Friday, and 2 next week. This week and next week feel impossibly long. This week because I'm off every day until Saturday, next week because I have something every day - I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have infusions Tuesday and Thursday. When I'm home I don't know what to do with myself and when I'm at work I don't know how I'll make it through the day. So yeah, a long 2 weeks. But I'll make it through. I always do.  

Thursday 10/6/22 Ketamine

 Today I have my first ketamine infusion. It's scheduled at 12:30 so I'll be leaving the house in about an hour. I figured I'd be more anxious than I am - I'm really quite bored. Maybe as the time gets closer or when I actually get there . . . But for now, bored. Numb. Withdrawn. Flat. I have an hour to kill and I don't know what to do with myself. Drawing, painting, sewing, reading . . . all sound horrible. I have no desire to do any of that. I was looking through landscapes on Pinterest, trying to find inspiration, and all I got was frustrated. I hate this. I hate this numbness and lack of motivation/drive to do anything. I end up just sitting and staring at the wall. Or laying in bed doing the same. 

I haven't been getting anything accomplished. No housework (save for laundry), no hobbies, no nothing. I just don't care. I need to be figuring things out for the craft fair I'm doing in December but I just don't care enough to. I should be sewing or painting. But I don't care. I should be reading or cleaning. But I don't care. I wish I could at least read, because reading can be an escape. But I can't stay focused long enough to comprehend anything. So mostly I end up staring off into space or scrolling social media as a way to pass the time. Neither of which are good options. I feel like such a failure because of this. 

So hopefully the ketamine will help. I decided to write before the infusion as I don't know what state I'll be in after. Maybe I'll feel loopy or sleepy. Maybe I'll feel fine. I don't know. Perhaps, if I don't go to work tomorrow, I'll  hop on here and write about my experience. Yeah. I'm considering calling in tomorrow. And Saturday as I'm on call. Work keeps me busy but it's so draining. It's hard to keep up the illusion that I'm okay. It's exhausting, really. And people have started noticing that I'm not at my best. And I almost feel like a fraud to myself for pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I don't know. It's weird. And I also have a cold, which is annoying.