Saturday 12/30/23 Decision Time

 Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. And, of course, with the new year comes new year's resolutions and whatnot. And, with the new year coming, I've made a major decision: I'm not going to do school anymore. That's right. I'm dropping out. I will finish my course that I'm currently in, but after that . . . I'm done. I don't see myself as being a nurse practitioner, I don't see myself surviving 3 years of school. I don't even see myself making it through one more class. Originally I thought I would try one more. Just to see how it goes. But I can't. It's too overwhelming. I'm so stressed already from my first class. I'm in survival mode. I can't do another 8 weeks of this. Hell, I still have 2 weeks to go in my current class and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it. 

So, no. I'm quitting. And I'm at peace with my decision. I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I'm still worried about disappointing people, but it will be okay. I told Jeremy last night, around 11pm, because I couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until after 2am, and then I only slept fitfully. Which is how most nights have been since starting school. He said he wasn't disappointed in me and told me that he thought I was doing better than I give myself credit for. But he doesn't know what goes on inside my head. Or how anxious and tired I am. Or how overwhelmed I am. I'm just done.

So. No more school. I feel guilty about spending the money on it. On a new desk, laptop, monitor, keyboard and mouse, printer/scanner, tuition . . . But hey. At least now I know, I guess. It was an expensive learning experience. Oy vey.

As for new year's resolutions, I just want to be healthy and happy. Mentally and physically healthy and happy. That's it.

Thursday 12/21/23 Almost Christmas

 Well, it's almost Christmas. Isn't that great. I'm not big into Christmas, never have been, so I don't really care all that much. Though it would have been nice to have time off from school for it. But no, we don't get holidays off. We get to plug right on through. Joy.

I had my midterm last week, which I got a 90% on. The only reason I got a 90% was because it was open book. Had it not been open book I would have failed it. I only knew the answer to one question out of 50. Not good. It was hyper-specific and insanely difficult. I mean, open book and I still missed 5 questions. This doesn't make me optimistic for other tests. I don't know if in my next class tests will be open book or not. If not, then I do believe I'm screwed. And my 3P exam (the test I take after my first 3 classes) is closed book and proctored. So yeah. I'm really screwed. 

And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I want to continue in the program. I keep thinking, do I really want to be the person to diagnose and treat people? That's a LOT of responsibility. And I don't know if I want that kind of responsibility. It scares me, quite honestly. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I want to do it. And I feel like I can't tell people that. Because everyone is so proud of me going back to school. And I'm doing it and getting good grades and people are proud. Like Jeremy. I don't want to let him down by quitting but I don't know if I really want to continue. Because obviously, I can do it. I've proven that. But it's so hard and time consuming and overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning and there's no end in sight. It's going to be like this (or worse) for the next 3 years. I don't think I can handle that. I'd like to have time for things other than work and school. That's all I have time for right now. Work and school. School and work. I'd like to workout and relax and paint and maybe try sculpting. I'd like to read for fun. For myself. Not because I have to for class (and, let's be honest, textbooks are boring as hell). 

I don't want to let people down. But I'm not happy right now. I try to be. I pretend that I am. But I'm tired and irritable and stressed and down. And again, there's no end in sight. If I had time off between classes, then maybe? But my next class starts literally the day after this class ends. I don't even get ONE day off. And then I think, what if I make it through the program. What if I make it, and pass state boards, what then? I have to work under a doctor for 3 years before I can independently prescribe. Where will I be working? Is it going to be somewhere I don't want to? Like the state hospital because no one will hire me? That worries me. Most nurse practitioners start off in a crap job for several years. 

I wish I had clear answers. I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew what I wanted. And I wish I didn't feel horrible for thinking this way.   

Tuesday 12/12/23 It Continues

It continues . . . schoolwork that is. I got 100% on my COPD pamphlet, so that's cool. I honestly figured that I wasn't going to get a good grade on it as I didn't feel it was that creative and creativity was a big portion of the grade. So I was surprised to see that yesterday. Go me. Taking my midterm on Friday so I can maybe have a little time to study (I've been doing this week's discussions today, along with a mandatory work class I had to do), but I work the next 2 days, so . . . when exactly am I going to study? I have no idea. 

In other news, I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. At least my therapist said it was :) No, it was. My mood has been slipping though. I've been feeling more down this past week, more stressed, more close to tears, and more overwhelmed. I'm also questioning if school is what I really want to be doing. You know - do I really want to be a nurse practitioner and be the one responsible for diagnosing and treating patients? Is that what I truly want or is it only what I think I want? I have no idea, honestly. But I have these doubts in my head and it's making me anxious. Everyone seems to think that I would make a good psychiatric nurse practitioner except for me. But is this because it's not what I really want to do, or is it imposter syndrome? Am I just doubting my abilities so much that I don't want to do this? I have no idea and it's frustrating. I don't know what to do. Hopefully with time I'll figure it out. I had sure better figure it out. 

On that note, I registered for my next class. Advanced physical assessment. Don't know what to expect with that one, just like I didn't know what to expect with this one. And that, of course, makes me anxious. I'm showing that I can do it so far. Lowest grade a 95%? I'm killing it so far (we'll see how my midterm goes on Friday). It's just, I feel like ALL of my free time is school. Because it is. I really don't have time for anything else. I'd love to do some drawing or painting but I simply don't have time. I feel guilty taking the 10 minutes it's taken me to write this. I just don't know if this is the right direction for me. I already feel burnt out. I get no breaks. No breaks for holidays, no breaks between classes. No breaks at all. It's just go, go, go. All the time. There's always school work to be done. 

Time will tell I guess. I just hope it tells me soon.

Tuesday 12/5/23 School and More School

 Well guys, I'm part way through week 3 of my first class. And it is intense. I've done SO MUCH reading from my giant-ass textbook (that literally weighs 10 pounds), have posted 4 discussions and 8 replies, written a paper, and made an educational pamphlet on COPD. So. Much. Work. Next week I have 2 discussions and 4 replies to post and a test. My midterm. Yep. Midterm on week 4 because the class is only 8 weeks long. It's crazy, but I'm doing it. The lowest grade I've gotten so far is a 95% on my paper (I got docked on APA formatting). Haven't turned in my pamphlet yet, so not sure how that's going to be graded. We'll see. All my discussions I've gotten 100%. Go me.

I'm worried about my midterm though. It's soooooo much freaking information and I have trouble recalling information. My memory loss is at play for real. Stupid bipolar and stupid ECT have wrecked my memory. But, we'll see. Who knows - maybe I'll surprise myself. It's 50 questions and we have 150 minutes to take it (3 minutes per question). It's open book, but since it's timed I don't really have the luxury of spending too much time looking up info. So it's more like a closed book test, honestly. 

I haven't had much time for anything other than work and school. School and work. No time for artwork. I feel like I have no time to workout. I can't really read my giant textbook while on the spin bike or doing yoga, ya know? I also haven't been sleeping well the past week or so. Hard time falling asleep, hard time staying asleep, waking up early but being too groggy to really function. It's been great. And I don't have time to nap. I have too much reading to do (reading for next week is over 300 pages). Mood wise I've been mostly okay. Have been feeling a little more down lately, close to tears often, but mostly okay. Kind of. I'm sure the lack of sleep isn't helping. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. School and work, and work and school. Ugh.

Thursday 11/23/23 Thanksgiving

 This will probably be a short post as we are leaving soon for Denver for thanksgiving festivities. But it's been a while since I last wrote. And, well, school has started and it's been rough. School officially started this past Monday, the 20th. So yeah. I'm 4 days into school and I am freaking out. This is HARD y'all. Like, really hard. It's been over 17 years since I've been in school and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never done online schooling before. This is all new to me. 

This first week I had 9 chapters to read in my Advanced Pathophysiology book (which is HUGE and weighs literally 10 pounds). Nine chapters. Each chapter has taken me 2 hours to read. I also had to make a discussion post (took me 3 hours to write a paragraph because my brain won't brain properly), respond to 2 other people's posts, and write a paper. All in week one. WTF. I am anxious, overwhelmed, and not happy. I've been close to tears every day this week. I'm frustrated with my stupid brain for not comprehending things and not responding how it used to. 

When I was in nursing school I could jam out papers in no time and had no issues remembering the material. But now . . . now I can't do that. If i were to take a test on those first 9 chapters I would fail it. My brain isn't processing or retaining the information. I can write my blog no problem - but writing a paper is proving nearly impossible. Everything is getting jumbled in my head and I can't seem to write anything that makes sense and is academic and professional. I know this is in large part due to 1. having bipolar disorder, and 2. having done 3 years of ECT. The ECT trashed my memory, both long and short term. I struggle with how to get around my city (that I've lived in since preschool) without GPS. It's pathetic. I used to have no trouble with that before ECT. That's just one example of my brain not braining. And it's becoming more evident now that I'm in school. Which frustrates and saddens me. 

I'm trying to stay positive and not get down on myself. I'm trying not to let my self limiting beliefs get in my way. I'm trying. But it's hard, so hard. A large part of me wants to throw in the towel right now, in week one. Part of me - a small part - wants to keep trying. I guess to make sure I'm truly giving it my all before I quit. It's just that I'm not sure I can handle 3 years of this. Of struggling, of feeling anxious and overwhelmed, of feeling unhappy. It's a lot. But I'm trying. 

I looked ahead to next week. I don't have a paper to write, per se, but I have two discussion questions that will each likely be 2-3 pages long. And the topics? Well, they're over my head. I don't have any idea how to answer them. I also have 6 chapters to read. It's nonstop. ALL of my free time is dedicated to school now and that kind of sucks. Royally sucks. 

Anyway, happy thanksgiving. I'll try to figure out school as best I can. We'll see what my first grades are (I'm nervous).  

Tuesday 11/7/23 Cold Feet

 Been like a week and a half since I last wrote. As the title suggests, I'm getting cold feet. About what, you ask?

School.

Starting school.

I start in less than 2 weeks and I'm getting cold feet. I bought a new laptop this past weekend and I have yet to open the box. I keep thinking, well, if I drop out now I can return the laptop, return my text book, not pay any fees . . . I'm just scared. I'm worried about how I'm going to do with my memory issues. Worried about how hard it's going to be, how much am I going to struggle, how little free time I'm going to have. All of my free time will be devoted to school and I'm not really digging that. I'm going to have to work harder than other people because of my memory issues. I'm just really scared. I keep telling  myself I'll never know if I don't try. I've only truly failed if I don't try. It's a lot though. And the university website shows I'm enrolled but I can't "see" my class. Like, in the online orientation I did, you could "see" your class - the requirements, what book(s) you need, etc. - but I can't see it. The "My Courses" icon isn't a clickable link. So I'm kind of lost. I guess I'm going to have to email my advisor and be like, am I missing something? Or am I just dumb? I don't know. 

I'm telling myself I just have to take one class. Just one class. If I don't like it, if I don't do well, I can quit. Just one class. Because I really won't know if I don't try. And who knows - maybe I'll actually do well. Maybe I'll enjoy it. We'll see. In less than 2 weeks we'll see.

In other news, I saw the cardiologist about my heart palpitations. My EKG there was normal (no surprise there). I'm having an echo done this upcoming Thursday and I get to wear a holter monitor for 3 days (it has been mailed out to me, should get it this week sometime). Some days the palpitations aren't too bad, other days they are awful. Sometimes I have 10-15 noticeable palpitations an hour. Sometimes I only have a couple. But they're still there and they're still annoying. And now I've been getting brain zaps as well. Which I think are totally unrelated to the palpitations (I've tried looking for a correlation online and have found nothing). Typically brain zaps occur when tapering off of an antidepressant - something I am not doing. So I have no idea why I'm getting them. But they, too, are annoying. What the heck is wrong with me??

Anyway, there's nothing much else going on at the moment. I'm not hating work as much as I was, which is good I guess. That's about it. 

Thursday 10/26/23 Ummm, yes

 So I tried registering for my first class today and it's not going smoothly. AKA: I can't register. In my orientation I was told to go to one site to register - the site is "not available". In an email I was told to go to another site - it works, but when I try to register, the class I'm supposed to be taking is not available. Very frustrating. I emailed my academic advisor so we'll see. 

In other news I'm having crazy heart palpitations. It's been going on for 2 months, but it's getting progressively worse. To the point where I'm having trouble talking at times. I've felt my pulse several times during a "palpitation" and it's my heart actually stopping, and then starting again. Like it skips a beat or two and then keeps on going. It's a little worrisome. I'm not digging it. It kind of takes my breath away/makes me cough, and if I'm mid word speaking it screws it up. I see a cardiologist on the 3rd (a week from tomorrow). When I saw my primary care doc they did an EKG (normal) and lab work (normal). Which, it always is. They're not going to catch something on an EKG unless it happens during the 5 seconds the EKG is running. Which is frustrating. Because there's obviously something going on. What I'm feeling is not normal. It tends to be mild in the morning and gets worse as the day goes on. And yeah, I'm a little worried about it. Oy vey. 

There's not much anything else going on at the moment. Work is work, though it hasn't been as horrible as it had been before. Which is good. 

Oh. So something that is decidedly not good is that my best friend is moving away today. Like, far away. To Indiana. Basically starting over from scratch. New state, new house, new job, new everything. And I'm not liking it. I'm trying hard not to think about it too much because I'll cry. We had a going away party for her last night with lots of work peeps and it was good. But I cried on the way home because it made it so much more real. Today she closes on the sale of her home here and the purchase of her home there, and then is leaving. This truly breaks my heart. We'll still be in touch, obviously, texting, face timing, sending memes . . . but it won't be the same. Now I has a profound sad.   

Monday 10/16/23 I was Accepted

 Welp. I was accepted into my nurse practitioners program. Funny, I guess I never really realized that there was a chance that I wouldn't be accepted. I submitted my application and was like yep. I'm in. But then I got a call from my admissions rep congratulating me on getting in and it dawned on me that I could have been rejected. But anyway, I'm in. And yes, I'm still terrified. Everyone seems to think that I'll do so good and that this is just what I need to be doing. But I'm not convinced.

I saw my therapist last Thursday and told her that I had applied and had been accepted. She was proud of me and happy for me and mentioned that she thought it was going to take months to even get me thinking about applying. Well I proved her wrong! But no really - I'm as shocked as she was. We spent our time going over my fears of school and my perceived short comings. She's going to help me not self sabotage, which is good, because I tend to do that. I'll see her again the week before school starts (first day is November 20th!). I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless, lets be honest. Hopefully this will be good.

Today has been weird. I don't feel right. I've been sick this past week and a half with a cold - achy, congested, cough - but today I feel weird. Like I'm tipsy or something. Almost lightheaded but not quite. Kind of like I'm not real. I don't like it. I have reading I need to do and all I want to do is lie down because of how I feel. I spent the morning drawing a commission and I'm still in my jammies. And I feel tipsy and I really don't like it. I'll probably lie down for at least a little bit, hope this feeling passes. I can't focus or concentrate at the moment because of it. 

Ugh. Okay. I gotta go lie down. That's enough for today. 

Wednesday 10/4/23 I did it

 Well, I did it. I submitted my application and all my goodies (driver's license, transcripts, resume) to the nurse practitioner program at Post University. Just finished, actually. I feel accomplished but scared. Excited but really terrified. I mean, wow. It's real. I did it. I applied. And I really have mixed feelings about it. Mainly because I am scared. This is a big deal. A HUGE deal. Going back to school is no joke. It's going to be tough. Part of me is unsure that this is the right decision. This part of me is scared of new and different, wants everything to stay the same. It's questioning everything I'm doing and it's quite draining. I'm doing my best to listen to this part but ultimately am ignoring it. I should probably try to understand where it's coming from, comfort it, and help it see the good that could come from this decision. I'm sure that's what my therapist would want me to do. But it's hard to do that. I want to ignore it because this part is putting doubts in my mind, and those doubts are taking hold. Which is not good. 

See, I'm my own worst enemy. I have limiting core beliefs, poor self esteem, lack of confidence. And so these little doubts are trying to sabotage what I'm doing. Telling me that I can't do it. That I'm going to fail, so why even try? I hate this. I'm actively trying to change my beliefs, raise my self esteem and confidence levels, and stop self sabotaging. I know school is going to be hard and scary and new and different and above all . . . difficult. But maybe, just maybe, I need the challenge. Maybe I need something different. Maybe I can actually succeed and do some good with my education. The only way I'm going to know is if I try. Maybe I'll find out that school really isn't for me. And if that's the case, then I'll know. But I need to try. This is what Jeremy keeps telling me. That the only way I'll truly fail is by not even trying. I am scared though. I'm worried that because of my memory issues from having done three years of ECT I'll struggle, that I won't be able to retain information. But again, I won't know if I don't try. So try I will. 

To get me ready for school we retired my old art desk. I've had it for over 10 years (Jeremy built it for me using cabinets and a countertop). It served its purpose well but it was time for an upgrade. My new desk is pretty nice. And we got it for a steal (it was originally $1799 but we only ended up paying $681 for it!). I had to clear out my old desk and I got rid of a TON of stuff. It was a nice purge of the old. I also cleaned up my office a bit. I'm getting rid of all my sewing stuff as I don't enjoy sewing any more. It was fun back in the day (6-10 years ago), but it doesn't bring me joy any more. So, out with all of that stuff. Which cleared up some space in my office so it's not as cluttered.

Here's my new desk, all set up:

Quite lovely, yes? I love it. I still need to get a new chair, as my current one isn't the most comfortable. But it's coming along nicely. My own little workspace. The right side of the desk (where the printer is) will be for school, the left side for art (like I'll have time for art while in school, pfft). 

So anyway, I'm excited and terrified. I'm trying to squelch the negative side of me. I'm trying to see all the positives, boost my confidence levels, and move forward. My tentative start date will be November 20th. Just over a month away. Wish me luck.

Tuesday 9/26/23 Birthday

 Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 45. I'm not one of those people who are upset about aging, but man - I'm getting close to 50! Holy cow! I spent the day at work. And, not surprisingly, it was a shit show. Again. I'm so sick of it always being this way. Even did compressions on a baby for 3.5 minutes. Happy birthday to me. But what was nice was I came home from work to find that Jer had decorated a little bit for my birthday, gotten me a card and a cake and my favorite candy bar and gotten my a cute little succulent. That was nice. I was glad for that - it helped.

This morning I talked with a gal from Post University about their PMHNP program (psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner). And I just ordered my transcripts from UCCS (where I got my BSN from). This is terrifying y'all. I'm doing it. I'm going to go back to school. I'm going to become a nurse practitioner. In mental health. Oh MAN this is scary. But I can do it. I know I can. I just need to convince myself of that. And that's hard. So hard. I have low self esteem. I never think I'm good enough. I have imposter syndrome. So convincing myself that I can go back to school, to get my NP, is tough. But I'm determined. I've talked with some people at work about it and they all think I should do it and that I would be good at being a mental health practitioner. This gives me hope. Other people believe I can do it, maybe I can believe that myself. I have a lot of work to do - both before I enroll and after (obviously after - I'll be in school!). I could start as early as October 16th. Wow. Maybe that's too soon. Maybe November would be better. I don't know. I just know that I'm scared and excited. Schooling will require 16-20 hours a week. Which is a lot. Especially on top of working full time. All of my free time is going to be spent studying. Wow. Courses are 8 weeks, one course at a time. Which feels more doable. Sort of. A regular semester is 16 weeks, so it's still like I'm taking 2 classes a semester, they're just not concurrent. Two years and 10 months to complete. Wow. I mean, the time is going to pass no matter what, I might as well be doing something with it, right? This is crazy.

I'm going to stop now. I have a headache and things to do. And I'm a ball of anxiety. Mild anxiety, but anxiety none the less.  

Wednesday 9/20/23 Stuff n Stuff

 Welp, here we are again, hanging out on my blog. I'm in a 3 day stretch of being off from work and it's glorious. I worked Sunday and Monday, and I work Friday. And I don't want to go in on Friday. It's still a literal dumpster fire at work. An understaffed shit show. And I'm so tired and burnt out. Monday made me not want to do my job anymore. We had 8 deliveries before 1pm and it was getting unsafe. My coworker and I voiced our concerns, only to be shot down by management, saying we were not in the position to make that decision. Basically saying that our concerns didn't matter and they weren't going to even look into them. Wow, okay. Thanks for that. Thanks for making us feel valued. 

I'm thinking more and more that I want to go back to school for my PMHNP (psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner). I've been researching schools and talking with coworkers who are getting their NP right now. Most of them are getting their family practice NP, so my trajectory will be a bit different, but at least I'm getting an idea. The prospect of going back to school is truly terrifying. I'm scared. It's going to be hard and different and costly. It's going to take time. It's going to take a lot of effort. And it's really, really scary. I haven't been in school for over 17 years. I haven't yet worked in psych but it's what I want my NP in. So that's scary too. I have no experience in psych. How much harder will that make my schooling? I have personal experience . . . but no working experience. Oy. I'm almost paralyzed with fear. I read a quote today that said, "if nothing changed over the next 10 years, would you be happy?" And it got me thinking, would I be happy? No, I don't think I would be. In my private life, yes, because my private life is good. But my work life? No. I've been doing the same thing for 15 years. The past 4 or so years have been trying. Have been difficult. And the burnout is real, y'all. I'm finding myself not enjoying my job. I'm more cynical and angry. I have less empathy and tolerance and patience. I don't like who I am when I'm at work. I don't feel valued or appreciated. Even by coworkers. I feel like I'm done. Like I need to move on, find something else. And that something else just happens to involve more education. But I'm scared. 

I just finished an online psychiatric first aid course. Just a little something I figured I'd try, test the waters I guess you could say. And I did fine. It would be cool to take a psychology class or two to get a feel of what being back in school is like, but I'm not really finding anything online that I don't have to be enrolled in college to take. I think it would be helpful. I need to relearn APA format for writing papers. I haven't written a paper in FOREVER. Can I even write a paper?? My coworker says she has a paper to write about every other week. They're not long papers - 2-5 pages - but still. That's a lot of papers for someone who hasn't written anything in almost 20 years. So scary. But I can do hard things, right? Sure I can. Sure I can. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm leaning more and more on taking the leap. Going back to school. It'll just be hard. I'll still have to work full time, which sucks. But there's no way around that. I'll have to make it work. At least I don't have small children to take care of. Ayden takes care of himself (now if he would just start driving . . .). 

Okay. That's all for today. I'm waiting for a call from Chamberlain University to discuss their PMHNP program. So scary.

Thursday 9/14/23 Therapy

 I had therapy this morning. In fact, I just got home from it. It was a good and productive session, but damn was I emotional. Anger and sadness. Sadness and anger. Lots of both. I don't necessarily know if I want to get into deep details here . . . I guess we'll just see what I write.

I'm still angry at work. I still don't want to go to work. And my anger is getting to the point where I'm going to break something or break down crying. Or both. And it's exhausting. I'm trying so hard to be a happy, positive, functioning adult yet I'm overwhelmed by this anger. I'm so tired of it. Something has to give. I don't know how to process or handle my anger. It's such an uncomfortable feeling and every time I think I'm getting the hang of it I go to work and it resurfaces. What kind of bullshit is that? My anger is directly stemming from work. From people I care for and love leaving, from all the changes going on, from being super busy and understaffed all the time, and from feeling trapped and stagnant in my position. I could apply for the charge nurse position, that would be something different. But then I'd just have a ton more stress and responsibility for a whopping $1 more an hour. Is that what I really want? I can look for a job somewhere else, but it will probably just be same shit, different location (and I'd be starting over). At least where I'm at I know the shit and the people I work with. But I do feel stagnant. Stuck. Bored sometimes with the work I do. Like I need something different and challenging. But what? I've toyed with the idea of going back to school for years, but it scares me. I've always thought I wanted to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner, that this was my calling. But school really scares me. What if I fail? What if I invest tons of time and money and fail? Or, worse, what if I succeed and hate it? Then what do I do?

I have all these thoughts and feelings and more coursing through me right now and I can't seem to figure anything out. I have tunnel vision. I'm confused as to what to do and clouded by my anger. I have homework to do - to talk with Jeremy about all of this and get his opinion on it. Which I will, tonight. Hopefully it will add some clarity. Because right now I'm lost. And it sucks.

In other news, a few nights ago my mom got really drunk and fell. Broke 6 ribs. She was in the hospital for 2 days. I'm supposed to call her today but I really don't feel like it. I don't want to hear the lie she comes up with as to why she fell. It sucks that she fell and is in a ton of pain. I feel awful for that. I feel bad for her. But at the same time I don't. She's never going to learn that it's her alcoholism causing this. That she fell because she was piss drunk. That she's fallen because of it before (4 or 5 times) and that she'll continue to fall and deteriorate because of it. She just doesn't see that and it's frustrating. It's like dealing with a toddler. I don't want to see her hurt but it's kind of like, what is it going to take for her to admit that she has a problem? I don't see how her husband can be okay with this. I don't know. The whole situation is fucked.

Anyway, that's all I feel like writing today. I feel emotionally drained, my dog is gassy and farting up a storm, and I'm tired.

 

Friday 9/8/23 Ketamine

 

I drew this yesterday. And this - me hating people - is why I had a ketamine infusion today. 

See, I've been very angry as of late. About everything. Like, literally everything. My sock slightly twisted? Angry. Work? Angry. I have to pee? AGAIN?? Angry. Life in general? Angry. And I've been feeling more melancholy as well. Not all the time - but more frequently. This is usually the first sign of a depressive episode coming on for me. Anger and melancholy. The anger isn't as common as the melancholy, but it's definitely a signal I need to pay attention to. So I did. And had a ketamine infusion to nip the depression in the butt (my therapist will be proud of me - she suggested I have an infusion at our last session). 

Today's infusion was relaxing and random. Lots of purples and dark blues. At one point it felt like I was laying on the forest floor, looking up at the stars. The next moment I was watching polar bears run and wondering if "walrus" was a real word (I saw walruses as well). It still feels like a strange word to me. The infusions are so hard to describe because everything is swirling and moving and flowing and changing form one minute to the next. There's no real sense of self or time. The meditation music I listen to feels alive and pulses with the colors and shapes. Everything is very abstract and fluid. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in a small and comforting place. Other times in vast expanses with no end in sight. But the whole experience is warm and calm and relaxing and invokes wonder and awe. 

Let's be honest though - I was trippin' balls, y'all. Just in a safe and legal way. I don't really understand how ketamine helps depression (I'm not sure science quite understands it), but it helps and is another tool at my disposal. So I'll use it. Hopefully I'll be a little more compassionate and empathetic and a little less angry. One can hope.

Tuesday 8/29/23 Work Sucks

 Man oh man does work suck. I don't mean in general (although work in general does suck) - I mean my job. Right now. Fucking sucks. I am soooooo not happy at my job right now. And I'm not the only one. Lots of people are unhappy. There's lots of shit going on right now that's not good. Let's start from the top and trickle our way down, shall we?

My hospital organization, Centura, has been bought out by another entity called Common Spirit. Common Spirit seems to only be concerned with money. The bottom line. Not employees. Not patients. Money. There have been tons of cuts made - with food service, with housekeeping, with CNAs, with nurses. They want us running on a skeleton crew. Because they're trying to save money. Come January our benefits will probably be changing (I'm guessing not for the better). We were told no raises this year - not even cost of living. My direct manager quit. Our head of women's services (who was my manager's manager) quit. Our administrative assistant, who does about a million things for our unit, quit. My best friend is quitting. Managers on other units are quitting. Everyone is jumping ship. I loved my manager. She was amazing. I loved our head of women's services. She was amazing. I loved our administrative assistant. She was amazing. My best friend? Also amazing. It sucks so hard to see them go. And it makes one wonder - what did they know that I don't know?

We hired a new manager, one of our charge nurses who was also a clinical coordinator (basically assistant manager). Now, while I like her as a person, she is very much a "yes sir" type of person. She'll go along with and enforce whatever the higher ups are telling her. I don't see her standing up for our unit. Don't get me wrong - she's a damn hard worker - I just don't see her backing us up. This is worrisome to me. 

Back to running on a skeleton crew. Our new "grid" (basically the guidelines on how to staff our unit) is tight. And the higher ups keep tightening it. We are no longer allowed to have CNAs. Now, our CNAs do a shit ton of work. And now, without them, this work is left to the nurses to do. So now we have our jobs to do, along with the jobs of the CNAs. Oh! And did I mention we have to do all our own lab draws now too? Because apparently its too much money to have phlebotomists on hand. We're also taking more patients than we were in the past. So now we have a heavier load while doing the jobs of three people. But here's the kicker - probably 3/4 of our nurses are NOT doing the CNA's jobs. Nope. They're relying on people like me (who works nursery) to do their portion of the CNA jobs. They're too lazy or "too good" to do these jobs (paperwork, cleaning cribs, stocking rooms, making coffee, cleaning up, doing baby baths). So they flat out don't do it. They figure that nursery or nursery backup should do it. Mind you, we have patients of our own to take care of while also attending deliveries (EVERY. SINGLE. DELIVERY.) and taking care of those babies (which is time consuming). Yesterday we did 10 deliveries on day shift - I barely had time to sit down, let alone worry about doing everyone else's jobs for them. I mean, what the actual fuck?? Most of these nurses don't realize what we do in nursery, how busy it is, and how much work it is. They just expect us to do everything. This is beyond frustrating. We need to work as a team and help each other out - NOT push off our work onto other people. 

So now we have added work, we're not working as a team, and we're getting burnt out. What does this lead to? Sick calls. People are calling in sick because they're burnt out and tired. Which makes us even more short staffed. Yesterday we were down two nurses on mom/baby and we did 10 deliveries - we didn't have nurses to take those patients but we still had to. So everyone ends up with even more patients to take care of. We are stretched to the max. And it's like this Every. Single. Day. I'm so sick of it. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. And I'm so over it. Everyone is. Morale on the unit is at an all time low. It's a very negative space to be in. I'm so bitter and angry when I'm at work and I don't know how to fix it. I almost cried numerous times yesterday because I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. And again - this is every single day at work. We don't get a break. I hate it. I've been in the birth center for 15 years and I'm starting to hate it. A job I once loved. And I don't know how to fix it. 

So. What do I do? I've thought about leaving, quitting. But I can't do that at least until December. Why? Because I had signed a two year contract for a monetary bonus. That contract isn't up until December. If I quit before then I have to pay back the money I received. And I can't afford to do that. So I'm stuck until at least December. And then I think, well, where would I go? What would I do? Our other major hospital system here, UC Health, isn't any better. It would probably be the same shit, different facility. The only other area I'm interested in working in is psych. But my psychiatrist and therapist and pretty much everyone I'm close to thinks inpatient psych would be a bad choice for me. Which, I can see that. I'd be seeing people at their absolute worst, giving them a bandaid, and sending them on their way. It would be stressful and possibly triggering. My therapist was suggesting working in an outpatient psych setting but I don't know what that would look like. My other problem is that I have to work day shift - I physically and mentally can't do night shift. I'll either become manic or suicidal. Those are not options I'm willing to face. So what the fuck do I do? I mean, for now I have to ride it out until December. But then what? I have no idea.

That's another thing that's going to suck - December. Because we're going to have nurses leave - which will leave us even more short staffed. I just don't even know what to do anymore. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Monday 8/21/23 Therapy

 I had therapy last Thursday and we covered a variety of topics: work, my physical health, art, and my best friend Lesley most likely moving out of state. My friend moving is what I want to focus on today.

See, I don't have many friends. People whom I consider good friends. Aside from my hubby, I have two. Yep. Only two. Beth and Lesley. And Lesley is my best friend. I've known her for 15 years. She's always been there for me, no matter what I've needed. And now . . . well, now she's probably moving out of state, back to Ohio. And I haven't really acknowledged this fact. In fact, I've been ignoring it and it's implications. Which came up with full force in therapy.

Becky asked me about my friends and other relationships. Most of my other "friends" are just people I'm friendly with at work - they're not people whom I consider friends. I casually mentioned that Lesley was going to most likely be moving and Becky asked me to elaborate on that. And so I did. And I got emotional. It took everything I had not to start crying which caught me off guard. See, mostly I've been frustrated with Lesley as of late. I haven't really thought of her actually moving. And apparently, this is going to be rough for me. 

Some back story on Lesley: she's an introvert. Very much so. She'd rather be at home more than anywhere else. Each year for my, Beth's, and her birthdays we would go out and get coffee. Give gifts. Have a good time. The past two years it's been like pulling teeth to get her to leave her house - even for this. We don't ask much of her - we know she's an introvert. But now it's getting worse. She's had a rough year - she lost two of her three dogs (her dogs are like her kids to her) and had back surgery, from which she's still recovering. I get that it's been a rough year for her, I do. But she's becoming even more reclusive because of it, if that's even possible. She's turning inward and giving in to her misery and isn't doing anything to help herself. She won't let anyone - including Beth and I - to do anything for her. I just see her getting worse and worse. If she didn't have her dog, Kevin, I think she'd throw in the towel. Which worries me, greatly. 

Since she's been on FMLA (which has been about 10 weeks, I think), it seems as though she's given up on life completely. She's giving up on everything she has. She's had a realtor come to her house, she's packing, she's making sure she has her nursing license squared away in Ohio . . . she's set on selling her house, moving back home to Ohio, and getting a nursing job where she doesn't have to leave her house. And she's being rather secretive about all of this. She's giving hints but isn't coming outright and saying it. I have to pry it out of her. I feel as though she's pulling away from us to try and make it easier on herself. 

All of this frustrates me and makes me angry. But, what I didn't realize, is how sad it's making me. Talking with Becky brought the sadness out. And I don't know what to do with it or how to handle it. Lesley leaving is going to be a loss I have to go through. We'll still text and send each other memes and face time, but it's not going to be the same. I won't see her at work. I can't just go over to her house or out to coffee with her. I'm going to miss her. And I didn't realize the impact of this until talking to Becky about it. The whole situation sucks. I want Lesley to be happy, but I don't want her to go. Which feels awfully selfish of me. 

Becky said I should write a letter to Lesley, telling her gently how I feel. And I thought I would. But I got home from therapy last Thursday feeling drained and I didn't. And then I swept my feelings under the rug and forgot about them. Or at least tried to. Until now. So here I am, writing everything out. I don't know what I would say to Lesley. I don't know how to put it gently. I don't want to make her feel bad. I don't want to make this harder for her. But my feelings matter too, I guess. So, here goes.

Lesley. You are my best friend and I love you. I wish you knew how much people cared about you. I wish you knew how much I care about you. I wish things were different and you hadn't have had such a rough year. But it feels like you're running away and giving up. It feels like you're pushing me away and not letting me in any more. It feels shitty. I want nothing more than for you to be happy but I feel like you're going about it the wrong way. And yes - I feel shitty and selfish for saying that. I don't want you to get to Ohio and still be unhappy, but now you have no support and no one that you know to help you. I'm going to miss you. Even though you drive me crazy sometimes, I'm going to miss you. Texting and face timing are not the same as seeing you in person and I'm worried that our friendship will suffer because of it. I feel it already has. I feel like you're not treating this as the big deal that it is. This is a huge life change and it's going to affect all of us, for better or worse. Most likely for worse. I don't want you to change your mind because of me. I want you to be happy. I just don't want to lose you as a friend and have you push me away because you think it'll be easier that way. It won't be. I'm angry and frustrated and sad. And I don't know how to tell you any of this without hurting your feelings or making you feel bad. I'm sorry for this. I just need you to know that you are loved and you are going to be missed. 

I don't know what else to say. I feel what I've written is not very good. In all honesty, I don't think I would show it to her. Unless I showed her this whole blog post for context. I hate the situation. I wish she could be happy here. I wish she wasn't leaving. I wish it didn't feel like I was losing my best friend. 

And yes, I'm crying. 

 

Tuesday 8/15/23 Results

 Well hello there. I saw the functional medicine practitioner yesterday and got the results of my bloodwork: my thyroid is fine. Which is, I guess, good news, right? But then why am I having symptoms? Well, I have other stuff wrong with me. Mainly gut issues. Absorption issues. My body is not utilizing what I'm giving it. Not even water - my labs showed me to be pretty dehydrated (even though I drink tons of water, my body just isn't using it at a cellular level - I just pee it all out). I'm really low in key nutrients: magnesium, zinc, calcium, protein. All of which can give me hypothyroid like symptoms and depression. My iron is double what it should be - meaning my body isn't utilizing it as it should and this is what's likely causing my heart palpitations (excess iron is often deposited around the heart). My kidney functioning is down, my fasting blood sugar was elevated (they said probably due to reactive hypoglycemia), and my cholesterol wasn't stellar. It was lots of information. After this information dump they went over the gist of the plan they laid out for me. Detox, remove major food groups then slowly reintroduce them to see what's causing me gut inflammation, exercise, supplements, more blood work, meeting with them every other week for 6 months . . . all for the low, low price of $7600. Oh. My. God. I knew their program was going to be expensive, but $7600??? I was thinking around 2-3 grand. So that really just made it unavailable to me. So yeah. No working with them right now. So I did some research and found a new multivitamin without iron (which they suggested), a good magnesium supplement, and digestive enzymes to help my body use nutrients. I don't know how I'm going to get over being dehydrated - I drink around 70-80oz of water a day. I don't think I can drink more than that - especially with how much it makes me pee (I mean, I got up 4 times last night to pee!). I'm going to try and eat more whole foods and cut out refined sugar where I can. I'm taking a good probiotic. I'm trying to exercise consistently. 

Speaking of exercising, I've been doing yoga. Every day for 7 days straight so far. And I'm loving it. I look forward to it. I'm even getting up early before work to do it (3 days so far). I ordered a Pilates bar with bands so I can start doing some Pilates (something else I'm looking forward to and excited about). Yesterday I did chest and arms; today I did shoulders and back (lifting). Thursday I'll do legs. Like, I'm trying. I haven't felt excited about working out for a loooooong time. Years. But with yoga and Pilates I'm getting excited about it. About getting stronger and transforming my body. I really want to do this and that's something I haven't felt for years. And maybe getting this bloodwork back is the kick in the pants I need to really start taking care of myself. Now if only I could change my mindset . . .

Mindset. That's something else I need to work on. I'm okay when I'm not at work. Maybe a little blah here and there, but mostly okay. But at work, man. I'm just not happy. I'm not enjoying myself. I'm struggling. I find it hard to engage with people, to connect with patients. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been going out of my way to help people - instead I retreat and hide away. Which is not how I want to be. But I don't know how to change it. I'm burnt out. I'm tired. And I don't know if it's just depression making me feel this way or if I really need to change jobs. I'm just so worried that if I change jobs I'll be unhappy there, too. At least where I'm at I know my job and the people I work with. Starting over is so scary. Everything just feels so . . . stagnant. And I've been feeling this for awhile. For the better part of a year. It's getting more and more pronounced as time moves on. To the point where I dread going to work. And, what makes it hard too is that I don't have many friends. I have people I'm friendly with, but not many actual friends. My best friend Lesley is out on FMLA and most likely not coming back. In fact, she's probably moving to Ohio. My other good friend, Beth, only works weekends so I rarely see her. And my friend Tracy, I hardly ever see her. Like, I don't think I've seen her once in the past month. Everyone else are coworkers who I can mostly be friendly with, but don't really open up to. And that makes for a long day when you aren't really talking and don't want to be there in the first place. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do. 

So anyway, I guess I'll leave you with some artwork:

This is "Mushroom", part of my Growth series. I like how he turned out. It's 5X7, ballpoint pen.

Wednesday 8/9/23 At least I'm not at work

 At least I'm not at work. That's a good thing. I worked the past 2 days and realized I'm not terribly happy at work. I try to be, I really do. I try to talk to people, I try to stay up beat, I try to be happy. But I'm not. Not really. There are so many things about my job that really irritate me. Really annoy me. I don't know if I feel this way because I don't like my job anymore or because I've been feeling down lately. Or both. Who knows? But I don't like going. I don't want to be there. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to help it. Part of me thinks I need to get a different job. And part of me thinks that if I get a different job I'll still be unhappy, just unhappy in a new environment. Which is less than helpful. 

I started doing yoga and I'm trying to be mindful and focus on breathing and being thankful for what I have. I'm trying to be positive about everything. But it's so hard. I seem to have a naturally negative mindset. I've been trying to change this but it's daunting. I have a negative self image, negative self talk, negative outlook, and feel negatively towards most people. I need a complete overhaul. I'm hoping that practicing my breathing and mindfulness with yoga will help this. I ordered a book on yoga - it teaches the foundations of yoga, breathing, and basic poses. I started a 30 day yoga training today that's focused on listening and centering oneself. I also ordered another yoga program called Yoga Burn (which is more for toning up and getting in shape, but is still yoga). I need to get in shape. I think if I could get in shape and lose weight I'd overall feel better about things. Because my negative self image is forefront every day. I'm trying to accept where I am and work on bettering myself, but then I look in the mirror and just hate what I see. So out comes the negative self talk. I'm trying to actively counter this but again, it's hard. Because I seem to be hardwired for negativity. I must have some pretty shitty core beliefs. Maybe we can delve into this next week in therapy. I don't know. 

I know my negativity affects me at work (yeah, we just circled back to work again). And maybe, just maybe, if I could be more positive I wouldn't hate my job so much. At least I'm hoping that's the case. 

I work tomorrow and I'm going to try and get up early and do yoga before getting ready. I felt more peaceful and calm this morning after doing yoga and it would be great to feel that before work. Maybe I'd have a better day. We'll see if it happens. Because I have a hard time getting up earlier than needed. 

In other news, the functional practitioner got my blood work back. I have an appointment on Monday with them. Was hoping for this week, but it just didn't work out that way. Jeremy is going with me, they requested that he be there. Probably because the treatment plans they offer are expensive and not covered by insurance. That's my guess anyways. So yeah. I'll get answers on Monday. And maybe I'll write about it Monday afternoon. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for today. I'll leave you with a painting I did last week:

"Lift", 5X7, watercolor and ink. It, in a way, represents me trying to pull myself out of a darker space. I guess. 

Monday 7/31/23 Oy Vey

 I slept like crap last night. I think I was awake more than I was asleep. And it shows. I'm super fucking cranky today and have no motivation for anything. I managed to work out and shower. Go me. I have my mammogram at 12:45 so of course I don't want to do anything until I have to leave. I have time to do stuff - I just don't want to. I have enough time to do a painting or draw or clean something . . . but instead I'm sitting here on the couch bitching. I hate feeling this way.

Last week I saw the functional medicine practitioner and had a metric fuck-ton of bloodwork drawn. Like, it was a LOT of blood drawn. When they get the results (which can take 5-10 days), he'll contact me to set up an appointment to go over it all. I'm really hoping my blood work corroborates what I'm feeling. That I get answers and solutions. For now it's a waiting game. Which, today, annoys me. 

What also annoys me, since today seems to be a bitch fest, is my bladder. Well, my whole body, really. My body doesn't seem to want to utilize the water I give it for cellular functioning. No. Instead I almost immediately pee out everything I put in. I've had a bottle and a half of water this morning and I've peed 7 times. Seven times in the last 2 hours, mind you. And I have to go again. WTF body?? You need that water!! You're telling me I'm horribly thirsty but when I drink anything, out it comes! Seriously. What the hell. And this happens all the time. Every day. To the point where I don't want to drink anything because I'm sick of how often I have to pee. Makes me worry that I'm developing diabetes or kidney disease. Because frequent urination is a symptom of both.

In other news, my mood has been sinking a little. The past 2 weeks I've been down more than not. And, yes, that annoys me. What I should do is have a ketamine infusion before I get worse. But I don't want to do that. Why? The cost. I just spent nearly $500 for my bloodwork, I don't want to spend another $300 on myself for the infusion. Which my therapist thinks is stupid. That I should schedule an infusion every 2 months or so to keep me in tip top shape. Which, yes, preventative measures make sense, but I feel selfish and like a failure if I do this. Plus the financial burden. Yes, we can afford it. But I don't want to have to have it. Maybe it's stubborn pride. I don't know. It's just that we've spent so much money on my mental health and I hate that. I feel guilty because of it. Which, in turn, makes me feel shittier. If this was for Jeremy or Ayden I'd spend the money in a heart beat. But when it comes to myself . . . I can't bring myself to do it. Like I don't deserve it. 

Anyway. I guess that's enough bitching. Here. Here's a little snow fox I painted:

I like how it turned out. And that's good, especially with how I feel today.

Monday 7/24/23 Well, it's a Monday

 It's Monday. How . . . wonderful. I've been super cranky today for no real reason. I woke up this way. Cranky with no motivation. I forced myself to workout, go me. I have 4 drawings that I'm working on that need to be painted . . . that didn't get done today. Nope. I worked out, went to the store, listened to a podcast, had lunch, took a nap. And now I'm here, writing a bunch of BS while drinking matcha. Oy. 

I have a "consultation" on Wednesday. Basically a doctor's visit. Because I have almost every hypothyroid symptom one can have but my actual doctor keeps brushing me off because my thyroid levels are in the "normal" range. So I'm seeing a functional medicine doc to go over my history and symptoms and get their opinion. I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of losing so much hair. I'm tired of dry skin and not being to lose weight no matter how little or how much I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I need a nap to get through the day (or tons of caffeine). So yeah. I have a consult on Wednesday. We'll se how that goes. It's an hour long and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. But maybe they'll have answers for me. 

In other news, my mood has been slightly better overall? Maybe? On my days off I'm okay. Friday at work I was surprisingly okay (which was good because I had a VERY difficult patient who required tons of attention and "love"). Yesterday I was less okay, but not bad. I work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Makes me realize I'm truly burnt out. I don't really enjoy my job most days and that sucks. 

Wow. I don't really have more I want to write. Mainly because I'm in such a negative headspace right now. So instead I'll share some paintings from my Growth series. 

 First up is Red Fox. With an aspen tree -  2 of my favorite things.

Next we have Fawn.

And last, Mountain Bluebird. 

These are the first 3 paintings in the series. I have 2 more sketched out (that I should have painted today, but didn't). I'm not really sure where I'm going with this series but I have a tiny bit of inspiration so I'm running with it. 

Thursday 7/13/23 A Little Bit Off

 I'm a little bit off today. I woke up at 5:30am wide awake. But it was 5:30 and I didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep. Kind of. Then I woke up at 6:30 and was terribly groggy. So groggy that I didn't get out of bed until 7:15. And I just can't today. I'm not feeling it. It's safe to say that I'm feeling down. More than just blah, which is how I have been feeling the past few days. I couldn't get myself to workout or do anything really. I had part of a protein shake, a little bit of coffee, and then I laid down again, stared at the ceiling. Forced myself to get up and shower.

There are several reasons for feeling this way, I think. Let's start with my weight. I've been trying to lose weight, for quite some time now. Been doing Noom for about 5 months. And I've been stuck. Not losing anything for the whole time. Until getting back from Japan. I started losing. I lost about 7 pounds. Go me! No, not so much. I've gained back 5 of those pounds. Without eating more. My weight just creeps up. I lose a pound, gain it back the next day. I can't seem to just steadily lose weight and it's fucking frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have body image issues - always have - and this is making it worse. Making me feel like a failure. A big, fat failure. I'm trying not to think like this, I know it doesn't help, but after gaining weight again for the 4th day in a row . . . well, it's hard not to. 

Next, let's talk about work. Ahhhhh, work. I don't want to go. At all. Like, desperately don't want to go. I don't exactly know why. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I'm burnt out. And so much is changing there, not for the better. We have all new upper management and the only thing they're concerned with is making money. There have been cutbacks and layoffs - when we're already often short staffed. But what do they care? The CEOs and CNOs need to get their hefty paychecks and bonuses. Screw the floor staff. We have to do more with less and it's just getting stupid. And our manager quit. She was awesome. She fought for us. And now she's gone. The 3 people that applied for it . . . well, none of them are that good. I'm worried what this means for our unit. And I can't leave - I'm stuck until at least December because I signed a 2 year contract for a bonus. And even if I could leave, where would I go? Other units have it worse than us. And going to a new facility means I'd probably have to work night shift which I physically and mentally can't do. So I really AM stuck. I dread going in. What kind of a shit show is it going to be today? I'm having a hard time connecting with patients because I so desperately don't want to be there. Which makes me even more miserable. The whole situation just sucks.

Lastly, let's talk about faith. I've been struggling in my faith. When I was baptized (what was that, 3 years ago?) I was excited. I felt like I knew what this faith thing was all about. It was comforting to me. But as time has gone on, not so much. It's like I can't quite put a finger on what I actually believe. The Catholic faith seems so suffocating now, and I never even considered myself a true Catholic. I'm more a a cafeteria Catholic - take what I like and leave the rest. But now I'm struggling with even that. Going to mass is a chore - one I don't want to do. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. My prayer life is sporadic at best. I pray - I do - but it feels so forced and false. I don't know how to pray. My prayers are images in my mind more than anything else. Which doesn't feel right. I don't know how to describe it. I haven't told anyone about this. Because I feel bad. I feel like a fake and a failure because my faith is wavering. I know Jeremy would tell me to try harder, read the bible more, pray more . . . the problem is I don't want to. And that makes me feel terrible. I know faith is important to Jeremy. Mass is important to him. Prayer is important to him. I feel like I'm letting him down. And that's a shitty feeling. 

All of this came to a head today and I'm not dealing with it all that well. I've felt like crying all day. The tears don't come but they're right there. I managed to draw a little today. I designed my next tattoo (or what I would really like to be my next tattoo). A kitsune. 

This is the only thing that has made me feel somewhat okay today. Drawing this. I want it on my left thigh. I just have to convince Jeremy to let me get it. We'll see. I love foxes and kitsune commemorate our trip to Japan. 

So yeah. All this crap. I have therapy today at 4. We're supposed to be focusing on my body image issues but I have this other stuff too. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. 

Thursday 7/6/23 No, still no Japan pics

 It's been almost a month since my last post and I still haven't loaded any pics from Japan on my computer. I will at some point - I promise. 

Nothing much is going on. I think I'm coming out of my art block. I ordered myself some watercolor sketchbooks and I've been putting them to good use. Just sketching silly or cute things. Nothing "serious". Just having fun and it's helped. I'm feeling the creative itch again. I have ideas for paintings I want to do, so that's good. I even have 2 paintings sketched out. Go me!

Otherwise, there isn't much going on. Work is work. I was sick last week. My mood has been stable. That's about it. Maybe I'll have something more interesting soon. Like when I upload Japan pics. Or some of my sketches. Right now I'm boring. Sorry. I'm also cranky today, so there's that. 

Okay bye. 

Tuesday 6/13/23 Back from Japan

 It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Wow. Time flies . . .

The big news is that we're back from Japan. We got in late Saturday night (just before midnight). We had almost 24 hours of travel time with flights and layovers. We were exhausted and went straight to bed (and were exhausted enough to actually get a little bit of sleep - something I've lacked the past 2 nights). Sunday morning before we left to pick Moya (our dog) up from the pet sitter's we discovered that our pipes had backed up downstairs (both in the bathroom and utility room). Joy. Poop water everywhere. So whilst driving to get Moya we had to find an emergency plumber to come out to the house (which one did and a quick snaking of our pipes fixed the problem - apparently not flushing your toilets for over 2 weeks can cause this). Sunday was a long day. We had to grocery shop as we had no food in the house, which took way longer than it should have. Mainly because we spent almost 2 hours at Costco trying out and then purchasing a fancy massage chair (man I wish we had the chair already - 4-6 weeks). It was just a long day with jet lag. 

Yesterday we ran errands and otherwise did not really relax. Sunday night into Monday I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and last night I got around 2 hours. My body is still on Japan time and I couldn't fall asleep last night. And I got up 5 times in 3 hours to pee. I don't know what the hell my body is thinking. It's confused as hell. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to function if I don't get any sleep. 

Anyway. The trip. It was amazing. Beautiful. Inspiring. Exhausting. We saw so many things and  did so much stuff. We were constantly go, go, go. Soooooo much walking. So much food! I wasn't as adventurous in my food experimentation as Jeremy was - he tried everything. Including a whole octopus and sea urchin. (Gross) I'd have to say my favorite food was okonomiyaki. It's a Japanese type pancake made with cabbage, eggs, protein of your choice (I had chicken), and covered in mayonnaise and Worcestershire sauce that has been thickened. Soooo freaking good. Takoyaki was tasty as well (fried octopus balls). We tried so many different things and ate what we wanted when we wanted. Surprisingly I didn't gain any weight (I ended up losing a pound - thanks walking!). 

We started in Tokyo, then spent 2 days in Osaka, 5 in Kyoto, and then back to Tokyo. While in Kyoto we took day trips to both Nara and Hiroshima. I have to say, Nara was my favorite. Why? Deer. Deer everywhere. Tame-ish deer whom you could feed. And they would bow for crackers. And they were so gentle taking the crackers from you. I love them! Kyoto was mostly temples and shrines, the bamboo forest, and a traditional tea ceremony which was very cool (I even got supplies to make my own traditional matcha tea). In Osaka we were mainly in the Dotonbori area which is food, food, and more food. Tokyo we were everywhere. Went to Team Labs which is an interactive, digital art experience. It's similar to MeowWolf but more relaxed and calming, less stimulating. We used public transport a LOT. Mostly trains and subways in Tokyo and other cities, taxis in Kyoto. And, well, lots of walking. It was very tiring and very awesome. 

I need to upload photos onto the computer and then I can post some here. It's going to be difficult to pick which ones to post (I took SO MANY pictures), but I'll try and post some from each place we went. Eventually I'll get to it. Right now I'm too tired to really think straight.

 

Tuesday 5/16/23 Anniversary

 Well hello there. Not much going on here. It has still been rather boring as of late. Nothing exciting to report. Although, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Twenty years of marriage!!! (We've been together for 23 years) It's pretty amazing how fast time goes by. I, of course, work tomorrow, so we won't be doing anything really to celebrate. Our celebration is our trip to Japan (we leave a week from Thursday). It's crazy though . . . 20 years. And I love him more than when I married him, if that's even possible. 

Speaking of our Japan trip, I can't believe we leave next week! It's crept up on me. It doesn't feel real, like it's still months away. But nope! It's next week! I think we have all of our ducks in a row. I hope so. Still have to go to the post office and put our mail on hold until we get back . . . I plan on doing that on Thursday. I'm soooooo not looking forward to the 14 hour plane ride from LA to Tokyo. That is going to be brutal. Just brutal. But it'll be worth it, I'm sure. 

As far as my mood goes, I'm good. Stable, mostly happy, normal range of emotions. It's stellar. I'm worried about becoming hypomanic in Japan because of a screwed up sleep cycle and all of the stimulation. I think I'll be okay, but I still worry. I see my psychiatrist today so I'll chat with him about it. Otherwise, all is good. All is status quo. All is boring, quite honestly. Which, compared to the alternative, isn't such a bad thing. 

I don't plan on writing again until I get back from Japan - so 3-4 weeks from now. Maybe I'll even share some photos :) 

Thursday 5/4/23 Another 2 Weeks

 Well, another 2 weeks has gone by and I have nothing spectacular to report. I guess the big news is that I'm still stable, still doing well, and feeling "normal" (whatever that is). Which is wonderful, really. I had therapy 2 weeks ago and I don't see Becky again until after our trip to Japan. And I don't feel like I need to see her before that. Which is an amazing feeling. It's so weird to be stable again, but here I am. I'll just roll with it.

Speaking of the Japan trip . . . we leave on May 25th. Three weeks. OMG. It's come up so quickly! It's always felt so far off in the future and now it's just around the corner. We're only bringing carry on bags plus a personal bag each (we plan on doing laundry while there), so the other day I practice packed my suitcase to see what all I could fit in there - I want to be prepared! I could fit a whole lot more than I thought I was going to be able to fit in there. So that's awesome. I'm nervous about jet lag and how that's going to affect my mood. And I need to talk to Dr. M about when I should take my meds (I normally take them before bed, but with the 15ish hour time change I don't know if I should keep taking them on the same schedule which would mean taking them around lunch time, or if I should still take them before bed - I don't know!!). My mood is what worries me most (besides Moya, but I know she'll be in good hands). I guess we'll see how it goes and try to roll with it. 

That's really about it. Work has been work - but not bad - just work. Yeah. Can't really think of anything else. 

Okay bye. 

Thursday 4/20/23 Another long stretch

 Wow. It's been another long stretch since I've posted. There's a reason for this: I'm doing okay. I'm stable. I'm not depressed. Everything is status quo. I'm a normal functioning adult. Which is weird. Like, really weird. But I'm okay with it. I am. Or, at least, I'm trying to be. (Weird statement. I know. It's just that I'm so used to not being okay that being okay is completely different and a little scary).

I had therapy today and kind of hijacked it. Maybe a lot hijacked it. Because we didn't do much parts work - it was more talk therapy (like what I would do with Mike). But I felt it was a good session. We focused on mainly anxiety surrounding our trip to Japan. Because I'm super anxious about it. I woke up Tuesday morning at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep because my brain was coming up with every scenario possible of what could go wrong on the trip. So much fun. So Becky and I talked about it. She tried to reign me in and work some parts talk in, focusing on my anxious part, my creative part, etc. All in all though, it was a good session. I feel a little better about it. Maybe. 

There hasn't been much of anything else going on. I'm tired today, I have a headache. I've had a headache pretty much every day this week and last weekend. Not really digging it. I may just take a nap. We'll see. 

We found a gentleman to watch Moya while we're in Japan. Which is good because what to do with Moya has been a HUGE area of stress for me. I took her to a local kennel for a trial run last week. She apparently did great but I cried the whole way home after dropping her off because I was so worried and felt so bad. I really don't want her to be in a kennel for 2.5 weeks while we're gone. So we looked on Rover (a pet sitting website) and found a guy named Drew who happens to be a dog trainer. We met with him on Monday (with Moya, of course) and he really put me at ease. He's laid back and chill, good with dogs, and Moya seemed to get along well with his dog Echo. So Drew will be watching Moya while we're gone. I feel much better about this than leaving her in a kennel. Don't get me wrong - I'm still going to worry about her - but I know she'll be well cared for while we're away. *huge sigh of relief*

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm stable. I'm doing good. Moya is taken care of. Now I just have the rest of the Japan trip to worry about!

Thursday 3/30/23 Been a While

 Wow. It's been 2 weeks since I last wrote. Quite honestly, nothing much has been going on. I'm relatively stable - not doing great, but not depressed either. I'm just kind of meh. I have good moments, I can feel happiness or joy or anger or any other feeling, but most of the time I'm just meh. No big deal. Whatever. 

I haven't been painting. At all. I haven't painted in like 3 weeks. I haven't really done much of anything. I go to work. I volunteer (like today). I nap. I tend to nap a lot. Most days I'm off. I hang out with my hubby. I'm pretty darn boring as of late. And that's okay. No drama. 

I had therapy on Tuesday with Becky. I needed to talk about my mom (we went to dinner with her last week and - surprise - she was drunk and acted a fool). I'm sick of dealing with her. I'm sick of talking to her, whether it be in person, on the phone, or text. She thinks that we're best friends. That not only am I her daughter, but also friend, confidant, and therapist. And I'm fucking sick of it. In reality we don't have ANY of those relationships, other than the fact that since she gave birth to me I guess that qualifies me as her daughter. We don't have a mother-daughter relationship. What little we do have is toxic. Because of her. Because she is an alcoholic. Because she's always been an alcoholic. And because she's delusional enough to think that she doesn't drink at all and therefore doesn't have a problem. I just can't anymore. And I vomited this all out to Becky on Tuesday. And, seeing how Becky uses the IFS model of therapy, we broke down what I was feeling into their respective parts. For example: I have a part that hates my mom. I have a protective part that puts up walls (like ignoring texts or calls from my mom). I have a part that I call naïve that holds out hope that someday maybe she'll stop drinking (Becky told me to call this a "hopeful part" instead of naïve). So my "hopeful" part and protective parts butt heads and that's where my internal conflict comes from. Okay . . . I guess that makes sense, on some level. I have a problem picking out my individual "parts". Becky is good at it. She pulled out like 5 or 6 parts in a matter of minutes whereas I couldn't really identify anything other than myself. But apparently my thoughts and conflicts are from my parts. Not "me". I have a hard time grasping this concept. It sounds like mumbo jumbo to me, and I'm not quite sure I buy into all of this yet. But I'll keep going and keep trying to identify parts on my own. Like the skeptical part of me, that isn't "me". This doesn't make sense. ANYWAY, Becky stressed that I don't have a relationship with my "mom" but with a person who is an addict. And that I do need to work on boundaries with her, for my own sanity. If my protective parts had their say I would cut her out of my life for good. But then there's a guilty part that thinks "but she's your mother. How could you do that to your mother??" Because she's a toxic drunk who only really cares about herself! Because just getting a text from her makes me anxious and makes my blood boil! Because I can't stand anything about her! But the guilt persists. And the stupid, annoying little "hopeful" part persists. I'm supposed to embrace these parts and nurture them, find out what they need, and then try to give them that. I'm supposed to do the same with my protective parts, which seems easier because I think "myself" is more in line with their thinking. But, then again, I don't know what "my self" is. I guess this means I have a long way to go in therapy. At least with the IFS model. Wow. That was a lot of rambling.

Anyway, I guess I'm okay over all and I need more therapy and boundaries. And more sunshine and warmth.  

Tuesday 3/14/23 Therapy

 Well, I just got home from therapy and I feel . . . weird. I don't know. 

So I think I've written before that my new therapist uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) as her main mode of, well, doing therapy. IFS basically says that we're made up of all these different parts - none of them "bad" - but all these different parts. Our job in therapy is to get to know these parts and nurture them, love them, give them what they need to thrive and work together inside of us. For example, today we worked with my "body image" part, my inner critic, and my "abandoned child" parts. IFS is completely different than what I'm used to doing in therapy. Mostly what Mike and I did in our sessions was talk therapy with some CBT thrown in for good measure. I've also done DBT and equine therapy. None of this is really that similar to IFS. It's a completely different animal. And it makes me . . . uncomfortable. I think because it is so different. 

I guess an example is warranted, right?

Okay. Let's take my body image part. I closed my eyes and imagined what this part would look like. What characteristics it had, its age, its memories. Everything I could imagine about it. Make it as concrete as possible. My therapist, Becky, guided me through this. How did this part feel? I determined that it was ageless but presented as a younger girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old, and felt ashamed and embarrassed. It felt small and maybe even weak. We tried to determine what this part needed to feel safe (I'm not sure). Maybe love and compassion. What was the earliest memory of this part (overhearing my step-mom comment on my weight and being embarrassed about being seen in my swimsuit after that - we were at a pool). Other things? Never feeling comfortable in my body. Not having confidence in my appearance. Always feeling "fat" or overweight, even when I wasn't. And when I wasn't overweight, not liking attention I was getting. 

I tend to binge eat. I've tried purging in the past but failed because for the life of me I can't make myself throw up. But I binge. In secret (sometimes out in the open, but mostly in secret). Binging because food temporarily makes me feel "better". Makes me feel calm. Makes me feel in control (when in reality I'm out of control). Food gave me a sense of comfort as a child while living in a chaotic, unpredictable environment (growing up with an alcoholic mother). Now, when I feel anxious/depressed/bored/tired/scared/or any number of other things, I binge. To try and seek comfort. To try and feel calm. To feel "better". My inner critic hates this part of me. Tries to shame and belittle it into not binging. Which makes the body image part feel bad and, probably, ultimately binge again. 

My job is to try and nurture this part. Show it compassion. Show it that I care for it and it can trust me. To show it that it doesn't need to binge anymore because I'm with it and care for it. And to give my inner critic another job besides mean-ass drill sergeant. Maybe it can be a coach and gently and lovingly work with the body image part to become better. 

So this is what we did in therapy today. Along with working a little with the abandoned child part of me as well. The abandoned child has been close to me since Mike retired as it was pretty horrifically triggered by that event. I already feel love and compassion for this part of me and have been trying to nurture it since that event. Even when I'm not aware I'm doing it. But now I need to consciously work with this part to heal. 

So yeah. That's IFS in a nutshell. It's totally different and I'm not quite sure how I buy into it yet. Time will tell, I suppose. 

In other news, this past week has been a little bit better mood wise. Although yesterday and this morning I was very meh. I did absolutely nothing yesterday, except read. I felt awful about that and I'm trying not to beat myself up over it (inner critic, I'm talking to you). This morning was also lazy with doing nothing but laundry and reading. I need to workout. I need to do things. I still just have no motivation or drive at all. And I hate that. Legit, really hate that. Even with doing nothing I feel like I have no time to myself. Like it's all work and volunteering and time is slipping away from me. I need to make better use of my time. I really do. But that's hard when the motivation is lacking. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I have therapy again in 2 weeks. My homework is to be aware of my parts - especially the 3 we worked with today - and start trying to work with them instead of against them. So yeah. That's where I'm at.   

Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Tuesday 2/28/23 Almost March

 Tomorrow is March y'all. That's crazy. My son will be 16 on the 8th - which is also crazy. Time flies . . .

I feel like I need to write. I always feel like I need to write when I'm feeling crappy. Somehow, writing helps, even if only a tiny bit. I've just been consistently not doing good. I'm still down. Hell, let's call it what it is - depressed. I've been depressed. I'm having a hard time accomplishing anything other than basic tasks. I shower, I eat, I do laundry. I go to work and struggle to get by. I have no motivation or drive for anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough again to even read. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing my new therapist every other week, taking my meds like a good girl, trying to exercise at least twice a week, trying to eat better, trying to stay positive (which is all fake and extremely difficult to do), and trying to socialize with people while at work and not be a complete downer. 

But I am a complete downer. I'm not any fun to be around right now. My mood is low. I'm sluggish. I'm not connecting with people. I'm struggling. I'm so burnt out at work. I dread going. And I don't know what to do about that. I've been in the birth center for almost 14 years and I've always loved my job. But now . . . I'm burnt out. I don't want to go. But I'm not sure I can leave (well, right now I can't leave as I had signed a 2 year contract for a bonus). And if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll be miserable because in general right now I'm miserable. So what would be the point? I might as well stay where I know my job and the people I work with. I don't know if I dread work because I'm depressed in general or if work is a major contributor to feeling depressed. Maybe it's both. Who knows. The only other area of nursing I'm interested in is psych and everyone agrees that that's probably a bad idea for me. And inpatient psych . . . yeah. Probably wouldn't be rewarding. It's treat the crisis and ship them out. And people in crisis can be nasty to others. How would dealing with that make me feel?

Ugh.

So I have no clue as to what to do. I can have another ketamine infusion in March if I want (boosters are once a month). I felt amazing after my last one but that feeling quickly faded. So I'm worried the same thing will happen again. Maybe I should go anyway. I don't know. I feel lost and sad and a little scared. And I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. Why can't I have some toned down, euphoric hypomania? Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask?

I did a painting titled "Emerge". It's kind of, trying to emerge from the darkness that is depression. Except instead of a person I drew a fox. I mean, why not?

Here it is. I like it, I guess. It came out how I envisioned it, so that's good. The problem, though, is that I'm not emerging from the darkness. I'm enveloped in it. I'm stuck. And I hate that.

Thursday 2/23/23 Therapy

 So I had therapy today - my second session with my new therapist. And I felt like such a goob the whole time. I felt close to tears almost the entire session and my voice showed it I think. See, my depression has hit me hard the past few days. Well, week or so. Let's be honest. And today, before therapy, I was close to tears. For no real reason. Just feeling like crap. So it's no surprise that I was feeling the same way in therapy. Beforehand I managed to start a few drawings (didn't paint though), so my time wasn't completely worthless (I wanted to stare off into space). 

But anyway. Therapy. Becky started by giving me a stack of cards with pictures on them. She instructed me to go through the stack and pick out any that resonated with me. I picked out around 8ish cards. We then discussed why each of them resonated with me. The cards basically represent some of my various "parts" (we're doing Internal Family Systems therapy, or IFS). Today we focused on a blocking part. A part of me that blocks out strong emotions. It doesn't necessarily keep me numb (well, sometimes maybe), but it keeps me from feeling strong emotions and being overwhelmed by them or "losing control". 

While reading the book No Bad Parts (which is about IFS), I came across and "abandoned girl" part of me. I felt a wave of sadness and intense grief come over me, started to tear up, and then BAM! Curtain dropped, wall up, the feelings were blocked. That's the work of this "blocking" part of me. It's scared that if I feel strong emotion like that that I'll become overwhelmed and won't be able to function, and will maybe spiral further into depression. It's kept me from fully feeling the grief over Mike retiring (except for the day of my last session with him when I did lose control and sobbed horribly). When I start to feel strong emotion over it, there's the blocking part, doing its job, keeping me from feeling. What it doesn't understand is that I need to feel these emotions, at least to an extent. So the work becomes reassuring this part that it's okay for me to feel, that I can handle it, and that I won't lose control. Which is probably easier said than done. 

We also talked in general about how I was doing, how the past two weeks have been. I took an FMLA day this past Tuesday as I felt I couldn't handle work. I work again Saturday and I plan on being there. WE talked about how that was going to look: with me probably putting on a false front and pretending that everything is okay. Which brought to light how I often keep people at an arm's distance and don't let too many people see the true me (Jer, Beth and Lesley are exceptions). And how I don't understand how anyone could genuinely care about me because I'm just . . . me. (This gets into being raised by an absent, alcoholic mother and not feeling cared for growing up. Joy.) So we opened a big 'ol box of worms. 

And now I'm feeling tearful and quite annoyed with myself for stupid things (I emailed Becky my Deviant Art page and forgot to put the ".com" in the URL so the link doesn't work so I feel stupid and inadequate and I'm beating myself up over it. Go me.). 

In other news, the last two weeks of volunteering were canceled due to snow so now it's been a month since I've gone. In a way it's a relief, but at the same time I miss it. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. There's more, I'm sure, but I'm hungry, I have to pee, and I have to pick up my son from school, so . . . that's it. 

Wednesday 2/15/23 Ugh

 My last post was rather uplifting; this one maybe not so much. 

I don't know. We'll see. It's been a rough couple of days again. I was feeling so good last Wednesday and Thursday and then Friday BAM! Back to being down. More lost, I think. I worked Saturday and was just feeling down the whole time. Sunday I was supposed to go to a Super Bowl party with Jer at his friend's house and I ended up not going - I was NOT feeling it. Thinking about socializing with a ton of people I don't know sounded awful and made me anxious. On top of that I was feeling pretty down all day, so I didn't go. I stayed home and read. Monday I was called off. Which was probably a good thing because I had an extra day to "recover" before working yesterday. Work yesterday was stupid busy. Busy enough that I couldn't pay attention to how I was feeling. Well, except a couple of fleeting moments of down time in which I felt down and exhausted. 

So ugh. Why did I have to go from hopeful and okay back to this? It's frustrating and annoying and stupid and not fair. I'm over it.

Today is a snow day for Ayden and Jer is working from home - we got a decent amount of snow over night and it's still snowing. I'm off and have accomplished nothing except starting a load of laundry. I talked to my mom on the phone for a bit earlier and surprisingly she hadn't been drinking. Guess I caught her early enough. Now I'm just sitting here, wondering what to do with myself. I don't feel like painting or drawing or reading or anything really. I'm not necessarily down today, but I'm kind of just here. Just existing. Going through the motions. I know things I should do, but I lack any sort of drive to DO them. I've been staring off into space. Real productive. 

I probably will read though, after lunch. I'm almost through No Bad Parts (the book I ordered last week that my new therapist Becky has). It's . . . interesting. A new take on mental illness and therapy. One I'm not sure I quite swallow. The beginning of the book made some sense but the further I get into it . . . I'm not so sure. I'm not going to go into it here - it's a LOT to explain. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it as it's what we'll be doing in therapy. So we'll see how it goes. The book has exercises to do throughout. I was able to do the first two, but the next several after that? Nope. Nothing. So I don't know. Again, I'm trying to keep an open mind and remain curious. I can see how some things would be helpful but am not quite grasping other things. Time will tell.

Anyway, I'm hungry. I should probably eat something.