9/19/17

Well, here we are again. I was hoping to be writing happy things after having ECT a week ago but sadly that isn't the case. I've gotten worse. Exponentially worse.

Let's start with ECT. I talked with Dr. M both at ECT and at my appointment with him that evening (Monday the 11th). He thinks I went too long between sessions (5 weeks) and that I'm also naturally cycling. Wait it out. Okay. You'll get better. And then, last Tuesday and Wednesday I did feel a little better. A little less down and withdrawn. Yay!

Except it wasn't yay. Not really. Friday morning I woke up knowing something was wrong. I was moving more slowly . . . feeling just . . . not right. I went to work and my mood went downhill. I was terribly withdrawn and depressed and dark. I sat in the nurses station staring at my arm, tracing a line where I was going to cut. Instead of cutting I told a coworker, who told the charge nurse (my best friend) and she had me call my husband. I went home early.

My friend told me that it appeared that I had been rapid cycling the past few weeks and that it was becoming more noticeable. Not only to her.

Great.

I went home and laid down, contemplating going to the hospital as my desire to hurt myself was so strong. My husband stayed with me and we opted to stay home. I called in sick on Sunday and we went to the mountains to try and beat the depression. Saturday? Depressed. Monday? Depressed. And today? Depressed.

This is the can't-get-out-of-bed-in-the-morning depressed. The is the not wanting to exist anymore depressed. This is the sobbing uncotrollably because I feel so shitty depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm doing everything I know to do. And I just don't know. I'm worried that I'm going to hurt myself.

There's so much I want to write, so much I wish I could convey, but I don't have the motivation to get it out. It's been ridiculously hard to write what I've already go written. I'm going to go lay down until I have to pick up my son from school. At least if I sleep I don't have to feel - it's like death but without the commitment.

9/7/17

I'm not sure how to start this as I'm not too sure what all I want to write about. I've been going through a depressive episode again, but this one has lasted a little longer. I started getting symptoms around Aug. 18 and they got progressively worse. I had several days where I had very strong suicidal ideation. More days than not it's taken everything I had just to get out of bed. I've struggled to get things done around the house, I've struggled at work, I've just struggled. And yesterday and today I've felt a little bit better and I hope I'm coming out of it. The thing is . . . I don't feel good. Like, I don't feel happy and okay. I feel down and flat and withdrawn. Not as bad as depression but still bad in its own way. It still makes it difficult to get things done. It makes it difficult to interact with people and do my job. It makes it difficult to be present with my family.

I had therapy yesterday and was reminded that yes indeed, I'm doing everything right. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm even doing more since I've become so involved in fitness and betering my physical health. There's really not much more I can do. *big sigh* I have ECT coming up on Monday and I see my psychiatrist Monday evening . . . we'll see what he has to say about it. My guess is deal with it, but more nicely put. That I'm cycling, but this is normal, that I'm better than I have been in the past. Which is true. But it sucks. At any rate, all I can do is push forward and not give up, right?