2/28/18

Well. I'm having a rough day today. I'm trying to get stuff accomplished and it's just not happening. The most I can say I got done is 20 minutes of yoga and a load of laundry. At least that's something.

My mood is pretty crappy today, pretty down. I can't seem to snap out of it, I can't seem to bring myself up. I was trying to work on my book and that seemed to make things worse. So I stopped. And now I'm sitting here on the couch unsure of what to do with myself. I don't even know what to type.

Oh well. Guess I'll read for a little bit and probably end up napping.

2/15/18

Ten days since my last post and a lot has happened. I was hospitalized for one. Well, that's the biggie. I was hospitalized from 2/8 through 2/12/18. Five days in Peak View. It was needed. I was severely depressed and suicidal. There were no med changes (I told them there that I didn't want my meds changed unless they consulted with my normal psychiatrist). I think being away from the normal stressors and responsibilities of life is what helped. The first two days were rough (Thursday and Friday) and I was pretty bad off. But by Saturday and Sunday I was starting to feel better. Well enough to be discharged on Monday (thank God).

And now I've been home a few days and I'm still feeling depressed. Yes, I know my depression isn't going to magically go away just because I was inpatient a few days but lets be honest - I was secretly hoping it would. I feel so empty and down. Not anywhere near where I was when I went in, but still pretty shitty.

And it's fucking annoying.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he wants to increase the frequency of my ECT for a bit. Yay. I'm trying to get off of ECT, not do it more often. But, I also don't want to feel how I'm feeling. So yeah. I have ECT next Monday. And I guess we go from there.

I saw my therapist on Tuesday and we were trying to come up with strategies to keep me from getting as bad as I did. Sadly, we really didn't come up with anything. I'm already doing so much and as he says, I'm doing everything right. I'm a model patient. So I got some essential oils to try and I may try taking up yoga. The other thing he mentioned was medical massage. Some insurances may cover that so it's something to look into. I'm open to anything, really. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I'm going back to work this upcoming Sunday. Some may think that's too soon after what I went through, but I think it would be worse for me to just sit around at home. So I'm going to try going back and we'll see how it goes. 

That's about all I got right now. I'm writing about the hospitalization for my book so . . .

2/5/18

I'm sitting here on my couch as I write this, wishing I was in bed, asleep. I'm not tired, mind you, I just don't want to deal with how I'm feeling. See, sleep is like death but without the commitment. Though I'm longing for the commitment . . .

I'm feeling so empty and drained and hollow, like the husk of who I should be. There's just this void inside me where everything should be. I'm going through the motions of life without really feeling anything. I've been rather flat and withdrawn lately, although I'm trying desperately not to be. And I think I'm putting on a good show as everyone around me thinks I'm doing okay.

If only they knew . . .

The funny thing is is that I wouldn't necessarily call myself depressed right now. I'm not quite like how I usually am when I get depressed. Perhaps I'm on my way there, I don't know. This is more of a "confused-hanging-in-limbo" state. I have some symptoms of depression but I also seem rather stable still. Like, I want to die, but I know that's just my brain lying to me.

I don't know what to do with this state though. Nothing is enjoyable to me. Not reading or painting or writing . . . I don't want to do anything except lay in bed.

Jeremy says I do this. That I'm stable for 3-4 months and then I drop into a depression for several weeks to a month or two despite what meds I'm on, despite my ECT. Maybe he's right. Maybe this is just my natural pattern. Maybe I'm not in full blown depression because of the new med I'm on. I have no clue. All I know for certain is that I hate feeling like this. Why can't I be manic every 3-4 months? I call bullshit on this. Why can't I just be manic at all??

Despite any of this, all I know is that I'm struggling right now, regardless of what people think.

2/2/18

Well it's February. Groundhog's day, actually. Makes me think about the movie with Bill Murray where it's always February 2nd. It was a good flick.

Anyway, the past couple of days I can say I haven't been overtly depressed. That's good, right? Sadly though I've been pretty flat and withdrawn. I have to fake my emotions so people don't look at me weird. Because I'm supposed to have emotions. And right now I really don't. Every once and awhile I'll have a true emotion shine through but it's getting pretty few and far between.

Yesterday at work I was close to tears for so much of the day it was ridiculous. I felt overwhelmed. Like I just couldn't handle it. And I'm still having trouble sleeping. Night before last I only got around 3 hours (possibly less). Last night I slept a little better, thank God, but I still didn't sleep good. My mind won't stop racing.

I still have no motivation. For anything. I just want to stay in bed. Hide away. I'm seeing no point to living. I mean, I have my hubby and my son, and if it wasn't for them, well . . .

I hate feeling like this. I want it to stop. I just can't. Please.