Well hello everyone! (or at least to the maybe 3 people who actually read my blog :D ) So it's been awhile since I last posted, 20 days or so, and at the time of my last post I was still dealing with some depression. Well, I'm happy to say that it seems as though the depression has lifted - I'm doing mostly okay. Which is nice. One thing I've noticed that's annoying is that I can still have bipolar symptoms even when I'm not in a mood episode. And these can be pressing symptoms, strong symptoms. It's very frustrating to be having a good day and then suddenly BOOM I'm thinking about killing myself and feeling worthless. But I get through it. I'm just struggling to accept it.
I've been doing a couple of new things, new things that I think are helping me. One, I'm exercising consistently. Like, daily. Even days I work my 12 hour shifts I'm still getting something in. It's given me a more positive outlook. Two, I'm looking for God. Now, this might not seem like such a big deal until you realize that I'm not religious or spiritual at all. God has never been a part of my life. Well, I'm actively seeking Him out. Two of my coworkers each gave me a book: The Message from one (the New Testament written in every day language) and Darkness is My Only Companion from the other (a book specifically about finding God in the midst of bipolar disorder). I read a little from The Message every night before bed. I nearly finished Darkness in one day (it's really good).
Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. I was at work taking care of patients and hanging with some awesome coworkers.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Another Day
I had therapy today and I was glad that I had therapy today until I actually got to therapy. Why? Well, it was hard to talk. I felt really withdrawn and flat, like I didn't want to interact at all. And it felt like everything I was saying I've said before, at one point or another. It was just really hard.
M, my therapist, said he could tell just by looking at me in the lobby that I was more depressed. My body language and facial expressions gave it away I guess. And yet I could still muster up a smile or a chuckle during my session. M agreed with my pdoc Dr. M that this is probably a normal bipolar mood cycle. I'm in a trough and I'll eventually come back out of it - hopefully sooner rather than later. And what do I have to do to get through it? Push my way through like I have been doing. Just keep plowing through until I feel better.
That sounds logical, doesn't it? It's part of mood management. The problem, is that sometimes it's really hard. Like, end-up-in-the-hospital-because-I-can't-cope hard. That's what I'm worried about. And just making it day to day. Right now, and in my depressions, I feel as though I'm living just to breathe.
We'll see though. We'll see how it goes. M thinks I'll be feeling better when I see him in 2 weeks. We made a bet on it (a bet I don't mind losing).
M, my therapist, said he could tell just by looking at me in the lobby that I was more depressed. My body language and facial expressions gave it away I guess. And yet I could still muster up a smile or a chuckle during my session. M agreed with my pdoc Dr. M that this is probably a normal bipolar mood cycle. I'm in a trough and I'll eventually come back out of it - hopefully sooner rather than later. And what do I have to do to get through it? Push my way through like I have been doing. Just keep plowing through until I feel better.
That sounds logical, doesn't it? It's part of mood management. The problem, is that sometimes it's really hard. Like, end-up-in-the-hospital-because-I-can't-cope hard. That's what I'm worried about. And just making it day to day. Right now, and in my depressions, I feel as though I'm living just to breathe.
We'll see though. We'll see how it goes. M thinks I'll be feeling better when I see him in 2 weeks. We made a bet on it (a bet I don't mind losing).
Monday, November 7, 2016
Well Fuck
I've been getting progressively more depressed over the past month. It started off as mild symptoms, feeling down or feeling irritable. Nothing too bad. I was able to cope rather easily, manage my symptoms without too much effort. But then I started feeling more down. Feelings of hopelessness started creeping in. I felt worthless, everything felt pointless and coping became more and more difficult. I acknowledged okay - I'm in a mild depression. This is more than just feeling down. This is legit depression. And then it got even worse to where I was having suicidal thoughts, I started cutting again, and I truly felt like I couldn't continue on. I mean, how can I be expected to carry on when I feel like this? I've been struggling, I've been crying, I've been drowning. I feel trapped in my own head.
Today I had ECT and had an opportunity to talk with my pdoc. I told him about the worsening depression and asked what more I could do. He said, "we're doing it." I asked him about supplements and if they could possible cause the depression (I started 2 new supplements and I was hoping that maybe that could be the cause and I could just stop them and feel better). He said no. He's never heard of a supplement doing that. He told me this is probably just my normal cycling. It's part of having bipolar disorder. The meds I'm on and the ECT can hopefully keep the worst symptoms away but I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to get depressed. I'm still going to have mania. But hopefully it won't last as long. A couple weeks instead of several months (or longer). Which, let's be honest, I knew this. But it fucking sucks. And it's really not fair.
Today, thankfully, I'm feeling a little better. Just a little down instead of horrible depressed and I thank God for that. Hopefully this will continue. *fingers crossed*
Today I had ECT and had an opportunity to talk with my pdoc. I told him about the worsening depression and asked what more I could do. He said, "we're doing it." I asked him about supplements and if they could possible cause the depression (I started 2 new supplements and I was hoping that maybe that could be the cause and I could just stop them and feel better). He said no. He's never heard of a supplement doing that. He told me this is probably just my normal cycling. It's part of having bipolar disorder. The meds I'm on and the ECT can hopefully keep the worst symptoms away but I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to get depressed. I'm still going to have mania. But hopefully it won't last as long. A couple weeks instead of several months (or longer). Which, let's be honest, I knew this. But it fucking sucks. And it's really not fair.
Today, thankfully, I'm feeling a little better. Just a little down instead of horrible depressed and I thank God for that. Hopefully this will continue. *fingers crossed*
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Mad World . . .
. . . and I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had . . .
When you have bipolar disorder, and you're stable, you can be going along just fine, everything going well, and then out of the blue for no reason what-so-ever BOOM you're depressed again. Maybe the feeling goes away in a couple hours, or a couple of days . . . or maybe it hangs out for a few weeks. Who knows. But then you're stable again and everything is right as rain. And then maybe the same thing happens with mania. And again, maybe it only lasts a few hours, or a few days, or maybe it's a bitch and hangs out for a few weeks. The thing to remember is that bipolar disorder is unpredictable and a mood change can happen at any time for any reason, regardless of how stable you think you are.
This is something I seem to be forgetting. Forgetting and not accepting. See, I've been in a funk the past few weeks. Fuck it, lets call it what it is: I've been mildly depressed for the past few weeks. I had been stable - what I've been calling "normal" (yes, with the quotes) - for almost 3 months before this hit. It started subtle enough, some lack of motivation, feelings of emptiness, feeling down. And then it progressed. I became more withdrawn, more quick to anger, and my motivation completely left me. Fast forward to me today: feelings of depression, emptiness, worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness. Anger and annoyance escalating to rage with little to no provocation. No motivation, ridiculously withdrawn, and stupidly exhausted. I want to sleep to escape. I want to cut and I have. And I've had generalized suicidal thoughts (nothing serious and nothing specific).
I guess I should point something out - something important. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was before this period of stability. I'm not. And I thank my lucky stars for that because I don't know if I could survive depression that deep again. No, this is more mild. I can get through my day. I can talk with people, joke with people even. I can still muster up a genuine smile. The thing is, everything is work. I have to force it. At work, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to take part in conversations. I want to hide away and be ignored. But I talk to people. I engage myself, I don't let myself hide. And it's so hard. It's tiring. But I do it.
See, I'm doing everything I've learned through CBT and DBT. I'm interacting, I'm writing, I'm drawing and painting (even though I mostly don't want to), I'm working out, I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm still doing things (even small things like jumping in a leaf pile because that's always fun). I'm doing everything I can to try and keep this depression from getting worse. I'm doing everything I can to try and end this depression. And to say I'm frustrated is an understatement. I'll be honest: I'm tired of dealing with bipolar disorder. I know I have to for the rest of my life and that's a bunch of bullshit.
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had . . .
When you have bipolar disorder, and you're stable, you can be going along just fine, everything going well, and then out of the blue for no reason what-so-ever BOOM you're depressed again. Maybe the feeling goes away in a couple hours, or a couple of days . . . or maybe it hangs out for a few weeks. Who knows. But then you're stable again and everything is right as rain. And then maybe the same thing happens with mania. And again, maybe it only lasts a few hours, or a few days, or maybe it's a bitch and hangs out for a few weeks. The thing to remember is that bipolar disorder is unpredictable and a mood change can happen at any time for any reason, regardless of how stable you think you are.
This is something I seem to be forgetting. Forgetting and not accepting. See, I've been in a funk the past few weeks. Fuck it, lets call it what it is: I've been mildly depressed for the past few weeks. I had been stable - what I've been calling "normal" (yes, with the quotes) - for almost 3 months before this hit. It started subtle enough, some lack of motivation, feelings of emptiness, feeling down. And then it progressed. I became more withdrawn, more quick to anger, and my motivation completely left me. Fast forward to me today: feelings of depression, emptiness, worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness. Anger and annoyance escalating to rage with little to no provocation. No motivation, ridiculously withdrawn, and stupidly exhausted. I want to sleep to escape. I want to cut and I have. And I've had generalized suicidal thoughts (nothing serious and nothing specific).
I guess I should point something out - something important. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was before this period of stability. I'm not. And I thank my lucky stars for that because I don't know if I could survive depression that deep again. No, this is more mild. I can get through my day. I can talk with people, joke with people even. I can still muster up a genuine smile. The thing is, everything is work. I have to force it. At work, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to take part in conversations. I want to hide away and be ignored. But I talk to people. I engage myself, I don't let myself hide. And it's so hard. It's tiring. But I do it.
See, I'm doing everything I've learned through CBT and DBT. I'm interacting, I'm writing, I'm drawing and painting (even though I mostly don't want to), I'm working out, I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm still doing things (even small things like jumping in a leaf pile because that's always fun). I'm doing everything I can to try and keep this depression from getting worse. I'm doing everything I can to try and end this depression. And to say I'm frustrated is an understatement. I'll be honest: I'm tired of dealing with bipolar disorder. I know I have to for the rest of my life and that's a bunch of bullshit.
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