Saturday 7/30/22 I don't know . . .

 It's been a week since my last post, and I don't know what to write about. I'm still struggling, work is busy and frustrating, I have no motivation. It's a Saturday and I'm chilling at home instead of being out with hubby and son because I have a blood draw to do at one. 

A blood draw? Yep. I signed up for a program/study called Zoe. They test my biology to see what foods will work best in my diet. I'm wearing a continuous glucose monitor for 1-2 weeks to see trends in my blood sugar, collected a poop sample last night (omg so gross) to check my gut flora/health, and am doing a blood draw today at 1. The blood draw is really just a finger stick and I collect 4-5 drops of blood. It will test my body's reaction to sugar and fat (I had to eat these special muffins they sent me for breakfast and lunch). It's all supposed to help me eat better for my body and hopefully lose weight. *fingers crossed*

I have a custom order of 3 paintings to do - 2 dogs and a cat - but I haven't started them yet. Again, no motivation. I'm going to try and start them on Monday. Hopefully. 

Otherwise I'm just floating along, not really doing anything, not really feeling anything except depression. I'm still calling in sick on Wednesday so I can see Mike - haven't found anyone to trade shifts with me (which is annoying because I often trade shifts with people who need it, but as soon as I do, no one seems to want to help). 

So anyway, that's about it. I hate how I'm feeling. I'm sick of it. The weaning off of Pristiq is going well. Slowly adding the Lexapro. Nothing so far, but that's not surprising as I'm not on the full dose of Lexapro yet (I'm taking half a pill right now). We'll see. Again, *fingers crossed*

Okay bye. 

Friday 7/22/22 Retiring

 So I was at work on Wednesday, checking my email in the afternoon. I had an email from Mike (therapist), with the subject line "session". I thought oh thank God we can set up a session finally! I opened it immediately, feeling just a little giddy and excited, only to read that 1. Mike wants to know how I'm doing, and 2. he's retiring. 

Wait, what?

Retiring??? No. I must have read that wrong. I read the email again. He's retiring in October. He wants to meet to discuss this. 

Oh shit.

Seriously? Retiring? No. No, it can't be. He wants to meet August 3rd at 8am, if I can. I, of course, am scheduled to work that day. I make a decision - I'm calling in sick that day so that I can meet up with him. If not that morning, then who knows when? He's been out what, 6? 8 weeks from back surgery? I've been struggling. I need to see him. I check with a few people to see if they could possibly switch me days. No one can. Of course. So calling in it is. Which makes me feel guilty, but I have to do it. 

Then the emotions hit. I race to the break room and cry. I can't seem to stop. Luckily only one person walked in on this as I cried for 45 minutes, trying to pull myself together because I have patients to take care of dammit! 

I texted my hubby and best friend the news. They tried to help me see it in a positive light. Maybe this will be good for me, I'll get a different perspective on things. It doesn't help. See, Mike has been a solid fixture in my life for almost 10 years. Ten years. He's been there for me at my worst, he's seen me at my best. He's kept me from killing myself several times. He's always there for me. He knows me. He knows my history inside and out. I'm comfortable with him. I freaking love this man! (in a platonic way, of course). I can't imagine not being able to see him again. I know he has several therapists in his group that he can refer me to, but . . . it's just not the same. It'll be like I'm starting over from scratch. Having to rehash all of my traumas and history. Trying to build a foundation and relationship and trust with a new person. It all sounds so awful. Truly awful.

I'm trying to stay positive about this because the last thing I need is something else to cause me to spiral. But it's hard. In trying to remain positive, I decided to make him a card:

The inside:

I have to make it light. Funny, even. I don't want to let him know how much I'm reeling. I wrote a rather long paragraph in the card, thanking him for everything he's done for me. Wishing him a happy retirement. Because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Take the high road, be an adult. Even though I don't want to be. Even though I feel lost and - almost - betrayed. 

As of right now I don't know what the future holds for me therapy wise. I'll find out August 3rd. Until then I'll just keep fumbling along, doing the best I can. It's all I can do. 

Tuesday 7/19/22 Trying Something Different

 Hey there. So, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we're going to try something different. He's weaning me off of my Pristiq, and slowly adding Lexapro. The weaning of Pristiq will take 3 weeks, to try and minimize withdrawal symptoms. During those 3 weeks I'll slowly increase my Lexapro dose until I'm at 20mg. Now, I've been on Lexapro before, but it's been about 14 years. So maybe it will work for me. Dr. Marciniak doesn't think the Pristiq is working anymore as I've been on it for 5 years now. We'll see. I start the titration tonight. I'm a little nervous because when I skipped a dose of Pristiq I had horrible withdrawal symptoms. Of course, I won't be skipping any doses, just slowly weaning myself off of it. But I'm still nervous. Fingers crossed this works.

I'm still feeling mostly down, with a little blah thrown in for good measure. Which is annoying. I still have no motivation for anything, though I managed to get a couple of paintings done today. Go me. I also have plans to work out, but I'm not getting my hopes up for that. I really just want to go lie down. And, knowing me, I probably will. 

I'm hoping to hear from Mike this week, so we can set up a therapy appointment, but I doubt I will. Maybe next week? I don't know. I'd just really like to be seen. I'm struggling. I'm doing stuff on my own, but I'm struggling. I joined a mailing list called "Esteem". Answered a loooong questionnaire about my views of myself, my self esteem, etc. It's run by psychologists and is supposed to help me gain confidence in myself, boost myself esteem, and help me change my negative narrative about myself. I get emails every 2 days with info in them and a task to complete. I'm hoping it will help. I'm also still doing ACOA work on my own. Which is hard. I'd love to have Mike's help with that. But instead I'm just floating along, trying to figure shit out on my own. 

Anyway, there's not really anything new. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm switching meds. That's about it. 

Friday 7/15/22 Estes

 It's Friday again and we're half way through July already. Crazy how fast time is flying by this summer. But still going so. Slow. 

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist this past Tuesday but had to reschedule for next Monday (the 18th). The office called me Tuesday about an hour before my appointment, needing to cancel because they had lost power to the building. The receptionist told me they were sitting in the dark, calling people, and canceling appointments for the day. Which is a bummer that I had to reschedule, but things happen. At least I don't have to wait too long. I'm not sure what good the appointment is going to do anyway. I went back down to 300mg on my Wellbutrin (from 450mg) because the urinary side effects were too much. I've tried pretty much every medication there is. So I have no idea what the next step is going to be. There might not be a next step - this might be it. I don't know. 

I've still been down/depressed pretty much every day. No motivation to do anything. All I want  to do is sleep or mindlessly scroll social media. Which I don't even really pay attention to. Sleeping is easier. I kept myself from going back to bed this morning, we'll see if I can keep myself from napping. 

The only reprieve from this was yesterday. Yesterday we (hubs, son, and I) went to Estes Park and went horseback riding. It was a gorgeous ride into Rocky Mountain National Park. Narrow, rocky trails, waterfalls, a river, beautiful mountain scenery . . . one of my favorite things to do, in one of my favorite places to be. While riding I was able to stay in the moment and enjoy myself. Not think about how I was feeling that morning or the past week. Just enjoy myself. Which was so nice. When the ride was done we walked around the shops in Estes Park and had lunch. It started pouring so we hunkered down in a candy shop until the storm passed (it was only like 15 minutes). It was refreshing. We finished touring the shops, got some ice cream, and headed back to the car. 

But my better mood didn't last long. After seeing some of the pics my hubby took of our ride I was shocked to see just how fat I still am. My mood really did plummet. I've lost 40 pounds, but I still would like to lose another 40. And those extra 40 pounds are definitely showing up in the photos. There's no denying it or hiding from it. And it makes me feel like a horrible failure. And I have, in fact, gained 5 pounds over the last few weeks. Which doesn't seem like much, but when you still have 40 to lose . . . well, a 5 pound gain can seem devastating. And for me it was. I'm so self conscious of how I look, even more so now. I think I was fooling myself into thinking I wasn't as big as I am and seeing the proof was a bit too much for me to handle. 

I'm trying to to better with my eating but have gotten pretty lax over the past several weeks. Couple that with no exercise . . . recipe for disaster. I started a 14 day "jumpstart" into changing my thinking around food, which will hopefully change my actions around it (I tend to emotionally eat and binge eat). And I paid for and am starting a program to change my thinking about myself. To love myself more and to have confidence in myself. I'm really hoping these two things help me. I need all the help I can get. And see, I keep thinking my depression wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so heavy. If I lost weight and was able to love myself I wouldn't struggle so much. I don't know if this is true or not . . . but I'm thinking it is. And sadly, when I'm feeling how I have been feeling, I have no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. I eat junk because it gives me a dopamine kick and helps me feel slightly better for a moment (but lousy in the long run). And working out . . . it just seems like so much work. When all I want to do is sleep and hide away, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym where there are people (and no motivation makes it difficult to workout at home). 

So I'm just stuck right now. Hating my body, hating myself, depressed, no motivation, and generally doing poorly. And of course I work all weekend, so I get to hide all of this away so that I'm functional. Joy.

Friday 7/8/22 Again . . .

 Yeah, I know. I'm posting again. Twice in one week. Weird. Or maybe not so weird, since when I feel like crap I have the urge to write. Somehow it helps just the tiniest bit. 

Today I'm depressed. I've been struggling with my mood hard this past week or so, feeling down and withdrawn, but today I'm downright depressed. I have no motivation for anything. I didn't even shower this morning as it was too much work. I managed to start laundry and work on a painting for about 30 minutes before giving up. I took out the trash and went to the post office. I sold a painting and was mailing it out. There was a new lady working there. I normally pay around $1.70 to mail out my paintings and she charged me $4.50. I don't know what the other ladies do differently so that I pay less, but this was not something I needed today. On my way out of the post office my manager called because I got a "parking ticket" at work the beginning of June. There was no parking in the employee parking garage so I parked up top, in the back, but still got a ticket. So she has to give me a verbal warning. I welled up with tears. These two small inconveniences were too much for me today.

I couldn't cry though. Even though I think maybe it would help me feel better, I couldn't cry. Sitting here, typing this, my eyes are full of tears. Tears that won't spill down my cheeks. I just. Can't. Cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so low. And I'm so tired of fighting this. I don't know what to do. Probably, I'll take a nap. At least that will pass the time and I'll be less aware of how shitty I feel. 

Next Thursday we're going horseback riding in Estes Park. One of my favorite things to do, in my favorite place to be. I have something to look forward to. And it's not helping. It's only a week away, but it seems so far off. 

That's where I'm at today. Depressed, feeling shitty, unable to release my emotion. And I work tomorrow. Great.   

Tuesday 7/5/22 It's already July

Wow. July just kind of crept in there. Fast. This summer seems like it's flying by (but the days are moving slow as molasses - how is that possible?). Yesterday was the 4th, and I worked. Did 4 deliveries and it was a weird day. Just . . . weird. Today I'm off, I volunteer from 5:15 - 6:15pm. I don't feel like going, but I will. I haven't done anything today. Like, nothing. Unless you count listening to 2 webinars doing something (I don't). Well, laundry. I did finally start a load of laundry.

These past several days have been rough, mood wise. I've been more depressed, more down, more quiet, more withdrawn. And I hate it. It sucks. The increased dose of Wellbutrin seems to be having no effect except for my peeing issues. I still have a week before I see my psychiatrist again, but I'm pretty darn positive I'm going to drop back down to 300mg. I just don't know what more we will do. I don't know what else there is. Which is disheartening. And bleak. 

It's hard to go through the motions when all I want to do is hide away or sleep. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. I tear up, but, nothing comes. I think, maybe if I had an emotional release I'd feel better. But I just can't seem to do it. 

I'm trying to be proactive while I'm not in therapy (probably won't have a session until the beginning of August, maybe later). I read the book Perfect Daughters, which is a book about daughters of alcoholics. Wow did it hit home. And I'm doing a workbook for adult children of alcoholics. I'm just doing it slowly so as not to overwhelm myself. I listened to a webinar on becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And one on binge eating (yeah - I binge eat. I don't purge, but I binge). I'm trying to do things that will be helpful to me to heal my childhood trauma. Because maybe, just maybe, if I can move forward in this it will help my depression. And because it's something I just need to do. 

But I'm struggling. Really struggling. I'm beating myself up over being depressed. I'm beating myself up over binging yesterday at work (and every other time I binge). I'm beating myself up over everything. How I look, how I act, what I say, what I do . . . you name it, I'm probably beating myself up over it. Which, obviously, doesn't help at all on the depression front. I'm just so fucking miserable and I'm sick of it. I just want to be better. I want to be content and to experience happiness sometimes. I want to be free of self loathing. But I don't know what to do. I try to squash all of these negative thoughts when they come, which is difficult and exhausting. And they keep coming - they don't stop. 

And I'm tired of hiding my true self from everyone. I'm hiding my depression, albeit not very well right now. At work I've been quiet, withdrawn, and even standoffish. I can keep up a charade with my patients but am having a hard time with coworkers. It's so much work. And I'm tired. So very tired. 

I know all of my posts have been depressing as of late. But that's my reality. And, lets be honest, this blog gets like one view per post so . . . fuck it. I'm going to write what I feel like.