Wow. July just kind of crept in there. Fast. This summer seems like it's flying by (but the days are moving slow as molasses - how is that possible?). Yesterday was the 4th, and I worked. Did 4 deliveries and it was a weird day. Just . . . weird. Today I'm off, I volunteer from 5:15 - 6:15pm. I don't feel like going, but I will. I haven't done anything today. Like, nothing. Unless you count listening to 2 webinars doing something (I don't). Well, laundry. I did finally start a load of laundry.
These past several days have been rough, mood wise. I've been more depressed, more down, more quiet, more withdrawn. And I hate it. It sucks. The increased dose of Wellbutrin seems to be having no effect except for my peeing issues. I still have a week before I see my psychiatrist again, but I'm pretty darn positive I'm going to drop back down to 300mg. I just don't know what more we will do. I don't know what else there is. Which is disheartening. And bleak.
It's hard to go through the motions when all I want to do is hide away or sleep. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. I tear up, but, nothing comes. I think, maybe if I had an emotional release I'd feel better. But I just can't seem to do it.
I'm trying to be proactive while I'm not in therapy (probably won't have a session until the beginning of August, maybe later). I read the book Perfect Daughters, which is a book about daughters of alcoholics. Wow did it hit home. And I'm doing a workbook for adult children of alcoholics. I'm just doing it slowly so as not to overwhelm myself. I listened to a webinar on becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And one on binge eating (yeah - I binge eat. I don't purge, but I binge). I'm trying to do things that will be helpful to me to heal my childhood trauma. Because maybe, just maybe, if I can move forward in this it will help my depression. And because it's something I just need to do.
But I'm struggling. Really struggling. I'm beating myself up over being depressed. I'm beating myself up over binging yesterday at work (and every other time I binge). I'm beating myself up over everything. How I look, how I act, what I say, what I do . . . you name it, I'm probably beating myself up over it. Which, obviously, doesn't help at all on the depression front. I'm just so fucking miserable and I'm sick of it. I just want to be better. I want to be content and to experience happiness sometimes. I want to be free of self loathing. But I don't know what to do. I try to squash all of these negative thoughts when they come, which is difficult and exhausting. And they keep coming - they don't stop.
And I'm tired of hiding my true self from everyone. I'm hiding my depression, albeit not very well right now. At work I've been quiet, withdrawn, and even standoffish. I can keep up a charade with my patients but am having a hard time with coworkers. It's so much work. And I'm tired. So very tired.
I know all of my posts have been depressing as of late. But that's my reality. And, lets be honest, this blog gets like one view per post so . . . fuck it. I'm going to write what I feel like.
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