So yeah. Sitting here on the couch listening to Guster, who happens to be my favorite band. Trying to lift my mood. I've been down the past several days. Just this overwhelming sense of melancholy. The darkness is calling, whispering in my ear, and I'm trying my best to ignore it. But damn if it's not persistent.
I believe I know the trigger. On of Ayden's rats died. And that was sad in and of itself, but it shattered Ayden. And seeing him so sad, so utterly devastated, broke my heart. I wish I could have taken the pain away from him. I can't, of course. So instead I created my own. This mild depression that won't leave.
And then my mom. I don't really need to say more than that. But, for those who don't know, my mom is an alcoholic, has been one since before I was born, and I have lots of issues with her and my childhood. Well, she decided to try and go behind my back and have me taken off all of my meds. Why? Because her dose of Prilosec was halved by her doctor. So apparently all meds are bad now. Especially mine. All I can do is shake my head and silently mouth "you fucking bitch how dare you."
I've been dealing with a lot the past 5-6 days. No wonder my mood has taken a turn for the worse. I can only hope that with some time it will pick back up. I can't let this become a downward spiral.
Repeat: I can't let this become a downward spiral.
I have therapy next week. Tuesday. I'm hoping I'm doing better by then. Praying I'm doing better by then. Because this little bit of mild depression? No. I can't do it. I can't. And I sure as hell can't get worse.
I'll be better. I will.
