Friday 4/30/21 Work and Whatnot

 Wow. Two posts in one week. How weird.

Actually, I just feel like writing. See, I've been a little down in the dumps the past few days. Not really . . . bad, just a little down. No motivation. Cranky. Blah. And exhausted. Old patterns are trying to sneak their way back into my life and I'm actively fighting them every day. Which can be quite mentally draining. And I'm feeling it. For example, I'm off today. I figured I'd sleep in a little, have breakfast and coffee, shower, and then paint and read and clean up around the house. I got up, made coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour and a half. Got up again, had breakfast and drank my now-luke-warm coffee, and then went back to bed for another hour. Reluctantly, at 11am, I got up and showered. I wanted to stay in bed. All day. I feel so damn tired. Add to that the lack of motivation and you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I know part of the problem is work. It's been so damn busy the past 2 months and everyone is getting burnt out. We're all working our call shifts and we're short staffed most days. I've picked up extra on top of my call and I'm kind of done with it. But of course that didn't stop me from saying yes to picking up next Tuesday, making my week look like: work on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, on call on Thursday the whole day, and then working Saturday and Sunday. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. 

I'm trying not to have a bad attitude when I work but the mornings when I'm getting ready are filled with heavy sighs and dread. I have to talk myself up, stop the negative commentary in my mind, and force myself to be positive and upbeat. The sad thing is, I'm finding myself having to do this on my days off, too. I'm more sensitive to people's comments and jokes (including hubby's) and I just don't feel like doing anything. No gym for the past 2 weeks, no spin bike. My bedtime keeps getting earlier because I'm tired, I'm "in the mood" very rarely and when I am I have trouble reaching orgasm. I'd rather sleep. It's annoying and all of this is making me feel worse. 

It's not depression - I wouldn't say it's depression. Yet. But if I don't nip this in the bud it could very well go that route. I've mentioned before that I feel like I need a vacation. Even a mini vacation, an overnight stay somewhere. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy and we don't even have to do much of anything. Just some time away from everything. It's hard when I'm working so much and you have a dog you don't know what you're going to do with while you're gone. 

I'm really kind of ranting, aren't I? That's okay, it helps to get it out. That's why I sat down to write in the first place. The bottom line is that I'm tired and I don't want to get worse. I'm scared of getting worse. I've even been partaking in retail therapy again, something I know I shouldn't be doing because small purchases add up. I ordered some supplements ($120 worth, oh shit) and a new purse. In addition to some other purchases that I'm sure hubby won't be happy about. I guess it's good that I'm working extra next Tuesday . . . and possibly Thursday . . . 

 

Tuesday 4/27/21 Some More Birbs

 Well it's Tuesday again, time for another post. What to start with . . .

How about weight loss? Sure! Why not? I've been eating a modified paleo diet for the past 6 weeks and have been using the program Reset for the past 2 weeks. And I've lost 13 pounds! That's without really working out (my gym attendance is spotty at best). I'm proud of myself. Now, 13 pounds may not sound like a lot over 6 weeks, but it's a lot for me - considering in the past I haven't been able to lose any weight. And more important than the weight loss is how I feel. I'm feeling better about myself, feeling healthier, and have a smidgeon more energy. So this is all great news! My cravings haven't been bad at all either. I thought that cutting out most refined sugar would lead to horrible cravings but it hasn't. At work there's always something sweet around to eat (cupcakes, donuts, candy . . .) and I haven't had ANY of it since eating healthier. That is a HUGE accomplishment (I used to snack on anything and everything at work). I'm really proud of myself for that *pats self on back*. And I'm down a pants size! I still have a long way to go on my weight loss journey, but I'm starting off strong and feeling better. 

Next on the agenda is my mother-in-law. She fell on Sunday and fractured her hip. She had surgery last night and is hopefully now on the mend. Hubby is on his way to the hospital now to check on her and so I'm waiting for an update. Sadly, only one person a day can visit her. I snuck up to her room yesterday while I was at work to check on her. No one questioned me being there, probably because I was in surgical scrubs and wearing my badge - people probably thought I was from the OR and talking to her about her upcoming surgery. I'm worried about her. She's had a couple of pretty bad falls. I don't want anything to happen to her. So, if you're the praying type, say a prayer for her that she recovers quickly. It's much appreciated. 

There hasn't been much else going on. Work is still busy (except yesterday, yesterday was unusually slow). We've had a couple of really sick Covid patients on our unit, and the hospital as a whole has seen an upsurge of them. We were actually at capacity last Friday. I haven't been as artistic as I would like but I'm still sketching and painting here and there. I need to sew some more but I haven't had any motivation to.

Speaking of painting, here's some more birds I painted! Arctic terns, a seagull, and a blue bird.

I'm truly on a bird kick. Which is fine, cause I love birds. I want my whole right arm sleeved out in bird tattoos. My next one will be a dove with cherry blossom branches, and then I'll probably get more sparrows. Because sparrows. 

That's all I guess. Until next time . . . 

Tuesday 4/20/21

 Well, today is every pot head's favorite day *insert eye roll here*. I don't have any funny one liners about this so stop looking for one.

Every week when I sit down to blog I realize just how boring my life is. Like, really boring. There's nothing new or exciting going on, there's was nothing exciting over the weekend (I worked Saturday), and there's nothing really exciting coming up. Huh. Boring. Which is okay, I guess, it just doesn't make for an exciting blog post. 

I worked yesterday and it was busy, again, just like it always is. Lots of babies being born. I was nursery yesterday. The day wasn't too bad but then right before shift change it got hectic. I went to a delivery where the poor mom had been pushing for almost 7 hours (usually after 4 hours of pushing mom has a c-section). But this mom was adamant that she was going to deliver vaginally. So that equated to almost 7 hours of pushing and the use of a vacuum to help pull the baby out. Now, not only does 7 hours of pushing exhaust the mom, it exhausts the baby too. So this kiddo came out limp, blue, and not breathing - my kind of delivery! (I like resuscitating). It took a couple minutes to get baby to breathe on her own - she was pretty shell shocked. But we got her going. While we (the other transition nursery nurse and I) were working on the baby I heard the OB doctor say "code white activate". This is not a good thing. Mom's uterus was tired from all of the contracting and mom was starting to hemorrhage. Bad. Within a minute the room was full of nurses and techs, blood bank and lab, and another doctor. I'd like to say it was a smooth operation, but it wasn't. There were too many people. But, within minutes, mom had a second IV started, was getting a blood transfusion, and the doctors were able to get the bleeding (which was profuse) to stop. During all of this I stayed with the baby, trying to keep her out of the NICU, and talked to and comforted the father. The baby ultimately ended up going to the NICU - she needed more time to transition and needed a little bit of oxygen. Mom has a long recovery ahead of her, but her and baby were doing well despite everything that happened. I said a prayer for them during the scenario and again last night that they would recover well and quickly. 

This is what I do everyday at work. Help bring new life into this world and sometimes participate in scary situations. I love it. I LOVE IT! I can't imagine doing anything else. And I really AM weird in that I love doing resuscitations. Most people want to avoid that - I dive right in. So I guess there was some excitement this past week. 

Anyway, I'm still painting birds. Here's some more:

 A blue tit, blue bird, and chickadee! Painted just for fun. I sketched out some more today that I plan on painting tomorrow. I'm really on a bird kick right now. 

Tuesday 4/13/21

 Another week has gone by. I haven't really done much this past week. I've been a little lazy, actually. I deserve it though, don't I? I think so. I worked hard last week (it was crazy busy) and now I'm in a 5-day stretch off. It's wonderful. I needed it. What I really need is a vacation. Even just a mini vacation. Like a weekend getaway. Spend the night in Estes Park or something. Something simple where I don't have to worry about work or home stuff. Yes. That's the ticket!

So yesterday I did something I've been dreading - I cleaned out my closet. Which meant trying on tons of clothes. I'm quite surprised at how much doesn't fit me anymore. I've gained so much weight over the past several years (let's be honest - it's 85 pounds I've gained). Which is disgusting to me. A lot of the weight has to do with the medications I'm on. All three of them cause slowed metabolism and increased hunger. Yay. Go meds. Couple that with the depression I had been dealing with and an overall lack of movement . . . well, it's a recipe for disaster. So there was a lot of trying on clothes that don't fit anymore, and a lot of looking at myself in the mirror, and I was quite taken aback with how damn fat I really am. Most of the time I float through the world feeling pretty okay with myself but then I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a picture of myself (like the ones hubby took of my baptism), and I think oh my goodness how did I end up like this??? It's really disheartening. But yesterday, as I went through my clothes, I think it finally clicked. I need to try and lose the weight. I need to really try - not just say I'm going to and then be lazy and do nothing (which is what I have been doing). If for no other reason than to be healthy. For myself. For my family. If I don't put my foot down I'll just continue to get worse and I can't let that happen. 

What am I doing about it? Well, do you remember me writing about going paleo? I've been on a modified paleo diet for about 5 weeks and I've lost 10 pounds. Go me. I want to lose at least another 40. I've got my work cut out for me. So I'm going to be getting my butt to the gym. I'm going to actually go. And work out. I'm going to be getting my butt back on my spin bike. And I joined a program called Reset. Which helps you "reprogram" your mindset, gives you recipes, helps you make proper food decisions, helps you eat healthier. You eat healthier 5 days a week and then calorie count 2 days a week, so you don't feel deprived by calorie counting all the time. Maybe it's the extra little push I need. I signed up for a 12 week program. Hopefully the weight will keep coming off. 

In other news, I met some people at church! Sunday there was a pizza lunch at the church and we went and I met some lovely ladies. Joanne, and two others whose names escape me because my super power is forgetting people's names right after they tell them to me. It was nice to talk to some people, people I don't know, who welcomed me as if I were family. I felt less out of place (but still awkward because let's face it - I'm awkward). I had a good time there. Hopefully there will be more family functions we can go to so I can continue meeting people and maybe even make a few friends. 

And I've been drawing and painting birds. Yay birds! I had a custom order for some birds, but I've done more too. My creative juices are starting to flow. Kind of. Anyway, here are the custom birds I painted: a cardinal, a blue jay, and a pileated woodpecker.

I love how they turned out and so does the commissioner. Again, yay birds!

Anyhoo, that's all for this week. 

Tuesday 4/6/21 I was Baptized

 You read the title right! Saturday, April 3rd, I was baptized. Not only was I baptized, I was also confirmed, and had first communion. It's kind of a big deal.

Let's back up a minute though. Since September I've been doing RCIA classes at our church, learning about Catholicism and what it means to become a Catholic. Class is every Tuesday night from 6:30-8:30pm. Through May. That's a lot of classes! And a lot of learning! It's been soooo interesting going to these classes. At first I wasn't excited about it. Hubby asked if I would go to a class on Catholicism and I went, thinking it was just one class. Boy was I wrong! The first few weeks I didn't know what to think. I was skeptical and, honestly, overwhelmed. But the more I went, the more I enjoyed it. The more I learned, the more I could see myself becoming Catholic. It wasn't an easy decision - far from it. Because there are still some things about the Catholic faith that I haven't reconciled with (like birth control). But I felt it fit me. The deep seated traditions and rituals, which at first I found stuffy and rigid, became a comfort to me. I found myself actually enjoying mass (hubby and I had tried several different churches over the years and none of them felt right - they were all too . . . hippy dippy. But Catholic mass makes me feel calm and connected). 

So I've been doing these classes, went on a day long "retreat", and had been preparing for my baptism (I was never baptized as an infant or child). I was a little nervous, mostly excited. I didn't know what to expect - how I would feel, how exactly it would go . . . but I wasn't nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. The baptism happened at the Saturday Easter vigil mass (which is from 9pm to midnight - I'm usually in bed at 9pm!). I was to wear black to start and bring a change of clothes with me to change into after the baptism (which were white). 

Mass started out dark. The lights were out. Everyone had a candle and at the start of mass we all went outside to a bon fire and had our candles lit. We then proceeded back into the church, candle light lighting the way. It was beautiful. Hundreds of candles burning. There were 6 readings (regular mass has two), lots of singing, and then the homily. After the homily, Father Baron called those of us who were being baptized to come to the front (it was me, two children, and a teenager). We were paraded around the church with our sponsors and let back to the baptismal pool. I went third. I watched as the kids had holy water poured over their heads, wondering how I would feel. When it was my turn I stepped carefully into the pool (I was wearing a long skirt - I didn't want to trip!). Fr Baron poured water over me three times - in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Y'all, it took my breath away. Not in an oh-my-goodness-I'm-getting-water-poured-over-me-and-I-can't-breathe sort of way, but in an oh-my-goodness-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-and-I-feel-so-amazing sort of way. It was amazing. It was shocking. I felt so joyful and so full. Just . . . full. Filled with joy and happiness and amazement that this was actually happening to me. I was being baptized! Jesus loves me! I was awestruck. I don't think my face showed my true feelings. Hubby took some pics (which are very unflattering, btw), and they don't show how I was feeling inside. I wanted to laugh and yell and proclaim my joy, but I didn't. I honestly didn't want people to think I was crazy or something. But that's how I felt. 

After we were all baptized, we headed up to the front of the church, wrapped in towels, to be confirmed. Fr Baron marked our foreheads with the sign of the cross with oil, announcing our chosen saint's name (mine was Dymphna, the patron saint of mental health). We then were dismissed to go and change our clothes. As I was walking back to the changing room I don't think I've ever felt so present. I dried my hair and face a bit (I was drenched), careful not to remove the oil from my forehead. I changed into a white blouse and skirt and made my way back to my pew. The four of us who were baptized were then invited back up to take first communion. The body and blood of Christ. In regular mass, you only consume the body of Christ (a very thin cracker) because of covid. But for us who were baptized, we were also given the option to drink the blood of Christ (wine). I chose to do both. My first time taking communion was a little surreal. When I sat back down I felt so calm and content and full. 

All in all, it was pretty darn amazing and awesome and wonderful. A memorable experience. I feel blessed.

(On a side note, I didn't explain any of this to hubby - it feels weird talking like this, opening up about what I experienced. Because I've never been religiously open before. I'm sure I'll get there. So for now, he'll just have to read this post.)