Tuesday 2/28/23 Almost March

 Tomorrow is March y'all. That's crazy. My son will be 16 on the 8th - which is also crazy. Time flies . . .

I feel like I need to write. I always feel like I need to write when I'm feeling crappy. Somehow, writing helps, even if only a tiny bit. I've just been consistently not doing good. I'm still down. Hell, let's call it what it is - depressed. I've been depressed. I'm having a hard time accomplishing anything other than basic tasks. I shower, I eat, I do laundry. I go to work and struggle to get by. I have no motivation or drive for anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough again to even read. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing my new therapist every other week, taking my meds like a good girl, trying to exercise at least twice a week, trying to eat better, trying to stay positive (which is all fake and extremely difficult to do), and trying to socialize with people while at work and not be a complete downer. 

But I am a complete downer. I'm not any fun to be around right now. My mood is low. I'm sluggish. I'm not connecting with people. I'm struggling. I'm so burnt out at work. I dread going. And I don't know what to do about that. I've been in the birth center for almost 14 years and I've always loved my job. But now . . . I'm burnt out. I don't want to go. But I'm not sure I can leave (well, right now I can't leave as I had signed a 2 year contract for a bonus). And if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll be miserable because in general right now I'm miserable. So what would be the point? I might as well stay where I know my job and the people I work with. I don't know if I dread work because I'm depressed in general or if work is a major contributor to feeling depressed. Maybe it's both. Who knows. The only other area of nursing I'm interested in is psych and everyone agrees that that's probably a bad idea for me. And inpatient psych . . . yeah. Probably wouldn't be rewarding. It's treat the crisis and ship them out. And people in crisis can be nasty to others. How would dealing with that make me feel?

Ugh.

So I have no clue as to what to do. I can have another ketamine infusion in March if I want (boosters are once a month). I felt amazing after my last one but that feeling quickly faded. So I'm worried the same thing will happen again. Maybe I should go anyway. I don't know. I feel lost and sad and a little scared. And I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. Why can't I have some toned down, euphoric hypomania? Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask?

I did a painting titled "Emerge". It's kind of, trying to emerge from the darkness that is depression. Except instead of a person I drew a fox. I mean, why not?

Here it is. I like it, I guess. It came out how I envisioned it, so that's good. The problem, though, is that I'm not emerging from the darkness. I'm enveloped in it. I'm stuck. And I hate that.

Thursday 2/2/23 When the Feels Are Too Much

 

This is how I feel sometimes. Like I need to scream it out. My feelings get overwhelming and need to be released. 

Not today though. Today I'm apathetic. Today I just don't give two shits about anything. Today I don't care. I don't like feeling like this, like I don't care. I'd rather feel my feelings, I think. Even when they can be overwhelming, at least I'm feeling. 

This past week has been rough at times. Not all the time; but at times. I did a painting, "Growth Through Grief" (here, I'll share it with you)

And I thought to myself how much Mike would appreciate this painting. And I started crying, because he'll never see it and that crushed me. And that's the thing. That's how grief is. You can be doing fine and then BAM! It hits you out of nowhere and you're feeling it all over again. I've had moments this past week where I've been fine - a little down or meh, but otherwise fine. And I've had moments where I've not been fine. Where I've been close to tears or crying. And then I've had some moments like today where I feel nothing. Where I'm completely apathetic. I'm getting the whole gamut I guess.

I'm seeing my new therapist next Thursday. I had emailed her, asking for times a month out, and all I got was next Thursday at 10am. Maybe she just wants to see me, make sure I'm okay since losing Mike was hard and all. I don't know. I guess I'll find out. She seemed nice when I met her last week and I'm going to do my best to keep an open mind. Because, as Jeremy says, no one will ever be Mike. But maybe this will be good for me. A fresh set of eyes. Time will tell. 

I've come to realize that I'm utterly burnt out from work. Work has been . . . work. I've not been enjoying myself and every day I work I don't want to go. I almost dread it. I know a lot of people are burnt out. Last month was slower and this month will probably be slower, which means we work even harder because our grid sucks. We get more patients and have to do the CNA work on top of it (oh, and phlebotomy too, because God forbid the hospital keep phlebotomists on hand). And it's not better anywhere else, so leaving would be pointless (not to mention signing the 2 year contract for a bonus). I don't know how to make things better. I don't know how to make me better. I'm hoping that going to Japan - a nice long vacation - will help. But I don't know if it will. Maybe I'm ready for a change. I don't know. The only other area I'm interested in is psych. And everyone thinks that's a bad idea for me to pursue. I'll just keep plugging along I guess, hoping things will get better. 

Thursday 2/3/22 Therapy

 I had therapy this morning. Early this morning. Like, 0800 this morning. It was ridiculously cold out. So cold it took my truck a few extra seconds to start. I don't like it that cold. We had a snow storm come through Tuesday and Wednesday and dump around 6 inches of snow. And then with the cold everything froze. 

Anyway, therapy. Mike and I spent the majority of the time talking about work. My work, obviously. Because, well, I'm burnt out. So burnt out. To the point where I don't want to go anymore. I dread going to work. Every day. I've been full time again for a year now, after having been part time for, I don't know, 6 years? I was proud of myself when I went back to full time last year. So proud. Now I'm wondering what the fuck I was thinking. Mike agrees with me in that respect. And suggested that maybe I go back to part time. Ugh. I'd feel like a total failure going back to part time. Like I've let everyone down - family and coworkers both. And myself. Mike pointed out that maybe I'm being too hard on myself (I am), but I can't help it. But yeah, I mean, work is an external, modifiable component contributing to my depression. So if I could change that, in theory, it would help my depression. Makes sense. But I am loathe to go part time again. For a lot of reasons really. But mainly because I don't want to be seen as a failure. How I see myself. Oy vey. 

Jer (hubby) and I talked about it this afternoon too. He keeps telling me that if I need to go part time again I can totally do it. Our budget is based off my part time pay (the extra I'm making is going into savings or to purchase all my protein powder and other frivolous spending). So yeah - money wise I could totally do it. Jer wants me to be happy and healthy. And I get that. I want to be happy and healthy too. But . . . failure. Extra money. Not contributing enough. I just . . . I don't know. We came up with a compromise though: I have lots of vacation time. Like, 200 hours. Now, the next 6 week schedule is already set in stone (and it sucks, honestly), but after this schedule I'm going to take a day off each week for a little while and use some of my vacation time. It's like going part time for a bit but not really doing it. Maybe it'll help. I really hope it does. 

I've been feeling so numb and empty and withdrawn and down lately. I keep thinking that if maybe I could have a good cry it would help. Release everything bottled up inside. But I can't cry. I physically can't. There's nothing in me. No real emotion other than anger. Numb and empty. I can't muster up enough emotion to cry. How sad is that? 

Anyway, therapy was good. Mike enjoyed my artwork. All 18 paintings I brought. Lord have mercy, why did I have so many paintings?? Well, because painting can be cathartic. I did two paintings today too (I'll bring those next time). 

Um . . . that's all I got for now. Cheers. 

Tuesday 11/9/21 Work and Overwhelm

 Well, here we are again, you and I. A little over a week has gone by and I'm very tired and burnt out. I'm also feeling a little bit used. More on that in a minute. 

How are you, faithful reader? There's only one of you (or maybe there's more who stumble upon my blog and the count doesn't show it - who knows). I'm doing . . . okay. I've been battling a cold the past week and my congestion and cough are horrible. It's been keeping me up at night - most notably last night. Though I feel fine - not sick at all, really - just tired and congested. I hate colds like this, that linger. It's very annoying. I still worked, even though I was "under the weather". I don't like calling in sick and I felt well enough to work, so why not? We're all wearing masks anyway, so I'm probably not spreading too many germs. 

Last week I worked 4 days - two 12 hour shifts and two 6 hour shifts. The 6 hour shifts were brutally slow. Why two 6 hour shifts and not one 12 hour? Well, that's because I split 2 shifts with a coworker (who is also a good friend). So instead of one full shift, I ended up with two half shifts. The first was Sunday, Halloween. My friend worked the morning and I worked the back half so she could take her son trick or treating. It was a slow afternoon that dragged on and on. Then I worked Wednesday and Friday full shifts. Both days were steady. Then this past Saturday was my other half shift. Again, I worked the second half so my friend could get family photos done. And this is why I feel a bit used. See, I'm pretty flexible with my work schedule. And everyone seems to know this. So everyone comes to me with trades. I usually say yes, because if I don't have anything planned, then why not? Right? I'm a good egg, helping my coworkers out. Which has been leaving me feeling taken advantage of. Why? Because there have been a couple times when I really needed a trade and no one was there to help me. But it's just expected of me to trade with others, move my shifts around to accommodate everyone else. I've been getting more and more frustrated with this. And this last swap with my friend was kind of the last straw. Mainly because she just expected me to do the trade, no questions asked. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since I've been so burnt out at work. I didn't feel appreciated. Just . . . used. 

And I am still burnt out. Really burnt out. I worked all last weekend - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - and I'm working all this weekend too. I want to go to church and watch football but nooooo, my dumbass had to trade a shift. I'm trying to see the bright side. Like, it gives me 4 days off in a row. Time to recharge! Except I'm not recharging - I'm just annoyed and tired. I accomplished nothing yesterday and I've accomplished nothing today either. I'm so tired and I have no motivation. I get up, take the boy to school, have breakfast and coffee, and then go back to bed for an hour or so before I shower. Then I do nothing and end up taking a nap. This is what I do on my days off. And it is NOT recharging my battery. I feel worthless and pointless and unmotivated and lazy and fed up with myself. I hate that I'm doing this but I can't seem to stop or get out of this rut I'm in. It's like all I do is work and sleep my life away. Sounds like depression, doesn't it? I think there's a little bit there, hiding out in the shadows, not  really perceptible, but there none the less. And I think it's sapping my energy. My motivation. My joy. I think it's contributing to my burn out and overwhelm. And then my burn out and overwhelm make the depression that much stronger. It's a cycle. One I intend to break. I just don't know how. 

Tomorrow I'll start breaking it. Tomorrow I'm going to try something different. I'm going to get up early and shower before I take the boy to school. I'm not going to let myself lay back down. I'm not going to nap. I'm going to sew. I'm going to be productive. Tomorrow and Thursday (because starting Friday I'm back at work for 3 in a row). We'll see how I do. Fingers crossed.   

 

Monday 11/1/21 November . . .

 It's November. How the heck did that happen? Time seems to be flying by, but at the same time almost standing still. I don't know if that makes any sense. 

I'm feeling out of sorts today. Down, no motivation, no drive, no nothing. I feel like I'm running on empty. I didn't shower this morning until 10:30 - I laid in bed until then. I've managed to do laundry and the dishes, but that's it. I don't want to do anything else. Everything seems so hard. And pointless. And I know this feeling will pass - I felt this way a week and a half ago and it did, indeed, pass. But here I am again, feeling blah. I don't know what I need or what I'm, I guess, waiting for? I don't know. I just feel stuck. In a rut. And I can't seem to pull myself out of it. 

I had a good morning yesterday, went to mass, had coffee, hung out . . . and then I went in to work at 1 (I split the shift with another nurse). I got to work and I felt drained of all happiness. Drained of all my energy. Which made me realize just how burnt out I am at work. How much I don't want to be there, even though I do love my job. Something has to change, I just don't know what that something is. I don't want to change positions - I genuinely love what I do. I would be even more miserable on another unit (which, of course, we're all floating to other units to help out because the entire hospital is short staffed). And let's be honest - floating SUCKS. But I don't want to get into that right now. I want to reiterate how shocked I was at how unhappy I was at work yesterday. Maybe it's because I was bored. But, I found things to do. Maybe it's because of some of the people. But, I avoided them. I think I'm just horribly burnt out and I don't know what to do. And I know it's not just me - which is the sad thing. Most every nurse I know is burnt out right now. 

And then, last night I found out something terrible - my mom, who was supposed to fly to Arizona yesterday to help out my grandparents, was pushed by some asshole down an escalator. She spent the night in the hospital and fractured her arm and eye socket, and has 18 stitches in her face. She looks awful. I already hate people and this definitely does not instill hope in me for humanity. This hurts my heart and makes me incredibly angry. And I know it's probably contributing to my bad mood today. 

But what can I do? Everything is out of my control. The world is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. My mood is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. All of the positivity and mantras and napping, etc isn't doing anything. I'm still feeling crappy. All of this makes me wonder . . . maybe I don't love my job. Maybe I need something else. But what? I don't want to work on another unit. I really don't. When I think long and hard about it, I don't. Other units suck even more. Caring for new babies is rewarding. Helping new parents with their babies is rewarding. I need a break. I need a purpose. I need a why. I've lost my way it seems and I need some guidance. I need God's help in this. I guess I just put it in His hands and ask for help. Surrender. Have faith that He'll guide me straight. I don't know what else to do.  

Thursday 10/28/21 A Bit Better

 My last post was a bit of a downer, wasn't it? Yes, yes it was. I'm happy to say that I'm doing a bit better mentally this week, which is a good thing. I really am terribly burnt out at the moment and I need a good rest. 

I called in sick to work this morning. I worked yesterday - it was crazy busy. And so I was tired and I'm burnt out. And on Tuesday I hurt my back and have been in pain since then. It even hurt to just breathe. So I called in sick. For my back - so I could see my chiropractor today - and for my mental health - so I don't lose my shit. I saw my chiropractor about an hour ago and my back feels so much better. She worked on my right clavicle also which has been bothering me for the past two months (I'm icing it now as I type). I took Motrin, I had lunch, I'm relaxing. And I even think I'm going to book a massage! My chiropractor's hubby is a masseuse and he's very reasonably priced. So yes, I think a massage is in order. 

All of this is helping my mental state. I was able to sleep in this morning and have a lazy morning. I didn't get in the shower until 10. It is all much needed. Self care people! Let's be honest though - I  do feel guilty for calling in sick today. I don't like leaving my coworkers hanging. Night shift charge told me there was enough staff, but it still makes me feel guilty. However, I needed today. Sometimes you just gotta take a mental health day. 

Tomorrow we're going up to Denver to see Meow Wolf, an interactive art display. It should be cool. And a nice break from the daily grind. Saturday I get my hair cut, which I have been looking forward to because my hair is simply way too long (it's been 7 weeks since I last had it cut, and it wasn't quite short enough last time). Little things. Little snippets of self care, trying to combat my icky feels of last week. Because I really did feel pretty icky last week. I'm so glad I'm doing better. 

Wednesday 10/13/21 More Tattoo Concept Art

 Well, well, well . . . it seems another week has gone by. It's been, actually, a very unproductive week for me. Mostly thanks to work and being lazy on my days off. It's all thanks to that, let's be honest. I've been feeling rather lazy as of late. Take this morning for example: got up at 7, took the boy to school, had breakfast and coffee, then laid back down for another hour before showering. And now I'm blogging instead of sewing or painting or cleaning. Lazy. I think I kind of need it though. Because of reasons. 

I had my yearly physical on Monday, so much fun. My doc felt some lumps in my right breast, one of which I knew was there (it's been biopsied before and has a marker in it), but there's a couple more now. It's been two years since my last mammogram, so hooray! I get to have another one done! It's scheduled for Nov. 9th. Otherwise I got a clean bill of health. She wants my labs to be drawn in February so that it's been a full year since the last time I had them done. I asked about the feelings of malaise I've been getting, and the headaches, every day for over a month now. She thinks it's probably diet related. Most likely sugar. Granted, in the past month and a half I have been eating a TON more sugar. A lot more than before I had my tooth pulled the end of August, so that kinda makes sense. So I guess I gotta cut back again. Which sucks because sugar is tasty. Oh well. 

I came up with a new tattoo concept for my left forearm which I really love. It's a fox, of course, and should fit nicely over my scars. 

I'm really digging this design. Like, I'm pretty positive this is it. This is my next tattoo. Now I just have to save up some money (cause tattoos are expensive, duh). But yeah, I'm stoked. 

The other day I texted my therapist just to check in, let him know how I was doing and that I appreciate him so much. He wrote me back that it warms his heart that I wrote him. Which warms my heart so much! I think it's actually been about a year since I last saw him and it's still weird to me to not be seeing him at least monthly. I'm doing so well though that I'd really have nothing to talk about, other than just shooting the shit (which, let's be honest, I would totally do with him). 

That's pretty much been the last week. Work is work. I'm still burnt out and now our unit is staffing the rest of the hospital. Every single day at least one or more people are floated to other units. Which really sucks and is annoying. I haven't floated for a few months so I know my time is coming. Probably tomorrow. I hate floating. We all do. It sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not get my panties in a bunch over it.  

Tuesday 10/5/21 It's October

 It's October people! How did that happen?? Time is just flying by!

I'm supposed to be at work today. In fact, I was positive I'd be at work and 90% sure I'd be floating to another unit. But I got a glorious text this morning putting me on call instead. So what did I do? I went back to be of course! (After I dried my hair). I don't often get put on call, so it was quite a lovely surprise. Now I'm just hoping I don't get called in (it's 1:13pm as I'm writing this). We'll see.

I haven't let my day go to waste either! No, I've been sewing. Sewing up a Soul Sucker! Don't know what a soul sucker is? Here, let me show you:

This is Ned, the soul sucker. He's a critter out of my own mind. Soul suckers float around with their tentacles, being all cute, and then they steal your soul when you're least expecting it. Ned sits about 8in tall and his tentacles are 20in long. His fluffy tail is actually a coyote tail. See, soul suckers are all soft with their fluffy tails . . . it's how they lure you in. So be careful!

Hubs and I went on a lovely drive this past Saturday in the mountains to see the fall colors. Not all of the aspens were changed yet, but it was gorgeous none the less (even though we did get rained on). It was nice to get away for several hours and enjoy ourselves. 

I feel I should update too on my mental status, as I haven't really done that in awhile. I've been stable now for a year and 3 months. Stable. Happy. Content. It's amazing. Something I never thought possible, but it's true. No depression, no hypomania, no anxiety (well, maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, rarely). But I've been doing amazingly well. I'm still on 3 meds (Vraylar, Wellbutrin, and Prestiq), and I'll probably be on them indefinitely, but I'm okay with that. Small price to pay for stability. I'm so thankful and grateful for this. I only see my psychiatrist every 6 months now and I haven't seen my therapist for around 8 months (considering I saw him weekly to monthly for 8 years, this is downright amazing).  It's hard to believe that I'm doing so well! Now if I could only get over being burnt out at work . . . Having days off like I do today does help some. But I feel like I need a vacation. A real vacation. Some day . . . 

Thursday 9/30/21 Tired

 Well, another week has gone by and not much of anything is going on. Except work and laundry, the two constants. 

Work is still busy. Annoyingly so. But on the rare days we're not super busy, we're being floated to other units. Which sucks. Mostly we're being used as sitters, meaning we're sitting in a patient's room for the full 12 hour shift basically staring at them and charting what they're doing every 15 minutes. Being a sitter is horrifically boring and awkward. 

In other news, I'm sick of this pandemic. I know, I know, everyone is. But it's especially hard being a healthcare worker. I'm so burnt out it's not even funny. And I have it pretty cushy on my unit - we only have about one covid patient a week (whereas other units have over half of their patients with covid). But yet, I'm burnt out and sick of the pandemic. I'm sick of hearing about it constantly. I'm sick of all of the arguing and finger pointing. I'm sick of vaccine mandates (I believe in body autonomy). I'm sick of it all. 

I'm also tired. All. The. Time. Tired. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I'm tired. And being so tired is severely hampering my motivation to get stuff done. Should I do the dishes or nap? Sew or nap? Paint or nap? Often, napping wins. Especially after lunch - I get so groggy and sleepy after lunch. No matter what I eat. Healthy or junk, I'm sleepy. 

I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I lapsed at first when I had my tooth pulled because ANY physical activity - even going up the stairs at home - made the whole left side of my face throb in pain. But then when it got better, I just continued not going. I haven't gained any weight thank goodness, but I feel gross. 

For the past month, too, I've been feeling like I'm getting sick. The slightest bit of malaise. Slight sore throat, slight headache. And a cough that comes and goes. I'm sure I wrote about this in a previous post. I'm still dealing with it. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so freaking tired. 

Anyway, I painted today - 3 foxes - and did laundry and the dishes. So I guess I feel accomplished. And I'm blogging (not that this takes much brain power or physical ability). But at least I'm not napping, even though I desperately want to. 

The weather is cooler today, only around 50 degrees. Overcast and chilly. The leaves are changing and I'm hoping to go to the mountains on Saturday to see the aspens. A nice mountain drive. Clear my head. Get away, even if only for a day. 

Wednesday 9/22/21 Birthday . . .

 My birthday is coming up. It's Saturday. I'll be 43. Craziness. I know I'm going out to dinner with my step mom, but other than that, I don't know. Probably not much of anything. Which is okay - I don't really need or want to do anything. Just eat and have a mojito or two. 

I work the next two days and I don't want to. Like, I really don't want to. Mainly because we've been floating nurses this week to other floors. Which, let's be honest, I hate. We all do. I feel worthless on other units. I'm not supposed to enter Covid rooms (which over half the rooms are Covid patients), not supposed to pass meds, just supposed to be helping hands or a sitter. So I can do vitals, pass trays, make beds . . . or sit in a room with a patient and chart what they're doing every 15 minutes. Joy. It fucking sucks. I think I'm safe Friday because I'm nursery that day, but tomorrow I'm scheduled for mom/baby. So if we're not busy I could be floated. It just makes for a wretched day. I know I should have a more positive attitude about it - that would go a long way in helping - but it's just hard to. I'm already burnt out, and working on another unit just compounds that. 

It also doesn't help that I'm in a piss poor mood today. Cranky, bitter, down, annoyed with everything . . . I don't think I'm very pleasant to be around today. I got stuff done - laundry, sewing, drawing, organized my studio quite a bit. I even took a short nap. But all of that hasn't helped my mood. I don't want to start a downward spiral because of my poor attitude. It truly can easily happen. I know part of it is thinking about work tomorrow. Part of it is my sewing machine snagging several times and poking myself with a needle. Part of it is because I woke up like this. And part of it is because for the last 3 weeks I've felt like I'm coming down with a cold. I don't ever get sick - I just have the ever-so-slightest feeling of malaise. A barely there headache. My neck is perpetually sore. I don't know what it is. Maybe I have the world's most mild case of Covid. Who knows. But it certainly puts a damper on my mood. Makes me want to nap. Not be productive. And annoys the hell out of me. 

Man this blog post is whiney. I hate when I'm like this. I don't want to cook tonight either. I want Burger King. Junk. I don't care right now. 

Anyway, happy birthday (early) to me. 

Friday 9/17/21

 Well, another week has gone by and there's nothing really exciting going on. Like, nothing exciting. Work and work and more work. And some time drawing and painting and sewing. There's a toy con in December that I'm thinking about getting a booth at so I need to have product for that, right? So that means I've got to stay busy on my days off drawing and painting and sewing. I really could have used a nap today but I didn't. I did 5 paintings and sewed two little owls instead. Which makes 7 owls I've made. Although I sold 2 of them so now I only have 5. They're cute little things. But anyway . . .

I still feel burnt out at work. It's just so stupidly busy. I already need another break. I have around 240 PTO hours so I can certainly afford to take one. But I neglected to do so on the next schedule so I'm shit out of luck for awhile. The holidays are coming up and everyone has requested time off so I'll be hard pressed to get something. Maybe I'll do what I did in August and take a day off here and there so I have a longer span of time off. We'll see. I need to though. 

My birthday is next Saturday. I want to get another tattoo for it (if you saw last week's post you know what I'm leaning towards). I just have to convince hubby to let me get it sooner rather than later. 

Ugh. That's it I guess. Nothing else going on.

Friday 8/20/21 Yeah

 Wow. It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Crazy. I didn't think it had been this long. And the sad thing? Nothing much is going on. It's pretty much been the same thing, over and over. 

Work is still busy as fuck. I'm still burnt out. I'm still working my extra shifts and being asked to work more (I don't though). But I only have 3 more shifts until I have 10 days off. Ten glorious days in a row without work. I'm so looking forward to it. The thing that sucks though is that the first day of the ten off I'm having a molar pulled. I am NOT looking forward to that. It's the molar I had a root canal done on. When the dentist did the root canal, some of the sealant went through the root and into my jaw. So this isn't going to be an easy wiggle-wiggle-pull type of procedure. No, they'll probably have to shatter the tooth and pull out the pieces. My dentist told me to do it under anesthesia because of the pain. Joy. And told me that I would be in pain for several days after. Severe pain. Double joy. So the first few days of my time off will be spent recovering from this. Oh! And I get to have nothing but soft foods for two weeks. Triple joy.

Let's move on to something less horrible - today marks the end of the first week of high school for my son. I can't believe I have a high schooler!! And to think that next March he can get his learner's permit. He'll be driving! It's pretty cool though, watching him grow and change over the years . . . He's such a good kid. The best kid really. I'm so proud of him. 

I've had a hard time with motivation and inspiration lately. The only thing I'm motivated to do is sleep. Nap. Go to bed. It's awful. I hate that I feel this way. And with my artwork I have no inspiration. No drive to do or make anything. Every once in awhile I'll get a little spark. The tiniest little burst of inspiration, but always at the most inopportune time. And then - poof - it's gone. I want to sew cute things, but I don't know what. Or how. (I'm really over the whole zombie thing). And I want to draw and paint things . . . I just don't know what. I see other people's work and I'm jealous - I wish I could create something that others want to buy. But I'm stuck in a rut. A rut with no creativity. 

In other news, I awoke to a text from my bank yesterday stating that they noticed suspicious activity on my debit card. Checked the account and someone apparently hacked my Etsy account and went on a spending spree. Luckily Etsy caught it, cancelled the orders, and the money was refunded. So yesterday and this morning were spent trying to get my account back and protected. We cancelled my bank card so I had to get a new one. I've changed my password on Etsy 4 times now (as I keep getting shut out and prompted to create a new password). It's been a stressful mess. So I changed my passwords to everything. Ugh. What a pain in the ass. 

That's about it. There's not much else going on. Work and blah and exhaustion.  

Thursday 7/29/21 I got my tattoo!

 Holy cow y'all! July is almost over! This summer has flown by! Just, really flown by. It's hard to believe that my son will be starting high school on August 16th - that's not far away. It's crazy. But it's happening. 

In other news, yes, I'm still burnt out at work. It's been a little better, but I'm still burnt out. This week is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (although I was asked if I'd work today too - I declined). This week has been ever so slightly slower, but still busy in the big scheme of things. Still looking forward to my time off in August. 

Also, today has been weird. I woke up feeling weak and lightheaded and stayed that way all morning. I was planning on getting on the spin bike and doing legs, but I couldn't. Just walking bills out to the mailbox made me short of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out. I don't know what was up. I've also had the trots today, all morning really. That seems to have subsided now. Thank goodness! I don't like feeling how I was. I thought maybe low blood sugar or low blood pressure, but I have no way to test those theories. I've eaten breakfast and lunch and am feeling a bit better now, but still like I have no energy. Which is annoying. I want to be able to workout. 

And, like the title says, I did get my tattoo last Friday! I love it! I went with a new artist this time around and couldn't be happier. It only took 2 hours and didn't hurt at all. 

This was taken two days after having it done (it's currently in the peeling stage). My little chickadee. This is on the top of my right forearm. Pretty darn cool, right? It's my own artwork, as are most of my tattoos. 

Tuesday 7/20/21 Been a Minute

 It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. No real reason really, just nothing much to say I guess. 

I'm so burnt out at work. It's been so busy and I've been working my call shifts in addition to my regular shifts. I need a break. A real break. I'm taking ten days off the end of August (for getting my tooth pulled) and it can't come fast enough. I'm at the point where I practically dread going into work. I work the next two days and I wish I didn't. I'm so tired of work. I'm so burnt out. And I don't know what to do about it. I know everybody gets this way about their job from time to time . . . it's just that I've felt this way for the past several months with no end in sight. I'm crankier. I don't connect as much with my patients. And I'm losing patience. I'm just so tired. It's hard to find the joy in what I do right now. Maybe if it wasn't so damn busy all the time. Maybe if we weren't short staffed every single day. Maybe if I could just take a break. I don't know. But I'm sick of feeling this way. 

In my last post I believe I talked about joining Warrior Babe Blueprint - a nutrition and fitness program. I've watched quite a few of the modules now and I'm counting my macros. I'm working out consistently. And I lost four pounds this past week. It's pretty awesome. I'm on my way to a new, healthier, sustainable lifestyle. And I'm thankful for that. I've learned a lot through the modules and I'm now applying it to my life. I'm going to crush my weight loss goals!

This Friday I'm getting my next tattoo - a chickadee on a pine tree branch. It's weird, but I haven't gotten really excited about it. I think because I'm thinking that something is going to happen so that I can't get it. Which would suck. Because I really want this tattoo. I'm sure Friday morning I'll be excited. 

Also, the past couple of weeks I've been having more twangs of anxiety. They don't last long, but they're there. And it's annoying. I'm feeling anxious right now in fact. Which is super dumb because I'm just sitting on the couch typing this. Nothing else is going on. I mean, WTF brain?? What's up with this??

This post wouldn't be complete without me writing something about my grandpa. See, my grandpa has been deteriorating rapidly the past week or so. He has congestive heart failure and 3rd stage kidney failure. And, I guess, dementia. He has been acting erratically and was even sent to a psych hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideation. He punched a nurse there. They sent him back to the medical hospital because of his declining health. He remains there. My mom and her hubby are driving out to see him and help my grandma move into an assisted living facility. I don't know what's going to come of all of this. My grandpa is in bad shape and it would probably be best for him to pass. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know this has added stress to my life, even though I'm not particularly close to him. He's still family and this is rough. 

So I'm burnt out, with added family stress and anxiety resurfacing. No wonder I'm feeling like crap. I'm trying to prioritize self care, with naps and working out high up there on the list. 

I guess that's it for today.

Friday 4/30/21 Work and Whatnot

 Wow. Two posts in one week. How weird.

Actually, I just feel like writing. See, I've been a little down in the dumps the past few days. Not really . . . bad, just a little down. No motivation. Cranky. Blah. And exhausted. Old patterns are trying to sneak their way back into my life and I'm actively fighting them every day. Which can be quite mentally draining. And I'm feeling it. For example, I'm off today. I figured I'd sleep in a little, have breakfast and coffee, shower, and then paint and read and clean up around the house. I got up, made coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour and a half. Got up again, had breakfast and drank my now-luke-warm coffee, and then went back to bed for another hour. Reluctantly, at 11am, I got up and showered. I wanted to stay in bed. All day. I feel so damn tired. Add to that the lack of motivation and you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I know part of the problem is work. It's been so damn busy the past 2 months and everyone is getting burnt out. We're all working our call shifts and we're short staffed most days. I've picked up extra on top of my call and I'm kind of done with it. But of course that didn't stop me from saying yes to picking up next Tuesday, making my week look like: work on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, on call on Thursday the whole day, and then working Saturday and Sunday. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. 

I'm trying not to have a bad attitude when I work but the mornings when I'm getting ready are filled with heavy sighs and dread. I have to talk myself up, stop the negative commentary in my mind, and force myself to be positive and upbeat. The sad thing is, I'm finding myself having to do this on my days off, too. I'm more sensitive to people's comments and jokes (including hubby's) and I just don't feel like doing anything. No gym for the past 2 weeks, no spin bike. My bedtime keeps getting earlier because I'm tired, I'm "in the mood" very rarely and when I am I have trouble reaching orgasm. I'd rather sleep. It's annoying and all of this is making me feel worse. 

It's not depression - I wouldn't say it's depression. Yet. But if I don't nip this in the bud it could very well go that route. I've mentioned before that I feel like I need a vacation. Even a mini vacation, an overnight stay somewhere. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy and we don't even have to do much of anything. Just some time away from everything. It's hard when I'm working so much and you have a dog you don't know what you're going to do with while you're gone. 

I'm really kind of ranting, aren't I? That's okay, it helps to get it out. That's why I sat down to write in the first place. The bottom line is that I'm tired and I don't want to get worse. I'm scared of getting worse. I've even been partaking in retail therapy again, something I know I shouldn't be doing because small purchases add up. I ordered some supplements ($120 worth, oh shit) and a new purse. In addition to some other purchases that I'm sure hubby won't be happy about. I guess it's good that I'm working extra next Tuesday . . . and possibly Thursday . . . 

 

Tuesday 3/2/21 Paleo

 I saw the doctor last Friday for my fatigue and various other symptoms. She thinks it's most likely my thyroid causing the problems, but we drew boatloads of blood to test everything - thyroid, hormones, vitamin deficiencies, anemia . . . you name it, we're testing for it. She wants to be thorough. Which is fine by me. I should get the results back sometime this week and then meet next week to discuss them. 

In the meantime, I've decided to try a modified paleo diet to try and lose weight and to hopefully help me to feel better. So lots of seeds, nuts, fruits, and veggies for me! I'm actually excited to be trying it - I've been reading up on it quite a bit and it seems to make sense to me. I'm not giving up dairy completely however - I'll be cutting back but not giving it up (I love cheese too much!). I'm cutting out as much refined sugars as I can and focusing on healthy fats and protein. I'm hoping this will jumpstart some weight loss for me. *fingers crossed*

Nothing much else has gone on in the past week. It's been pretty boring. Work and reading and reading and work. Work continues to be busy, ridiculously busy. So many babies being born. I'm feeling a little burnt out, like I need a vacation. February was busy and March is looking to be even busier. Ugh. Job security I guess. 

Well, this has been a short post. I don't have any artwork to share as I haven't been motivated to sew or paint recently. I've been mostly reading. Which is a fine way to spend my time. Maybe Thursday or Friday I'll get creative. We'll see.

Friday 2/7/2020

Hey there, I'm back. It's been a bit. It's cold and snowy here in Colorado. In fact, it's snowing right now. An unofficial snow day (my son stayed home from school - we're both sick). Well, let's get to it.

I went back to work this week after having 3.5 weeks off for my surgery. I worked Monday and yesterday. Monday was hell - we delivered 9 babies. Not the welcome back I was hoping for (I was hoping for a nice leisurely day *laughs*). I was exhausted and cranky by the end of the day. Thursday I floated to NICU, which I hate doing. I don't work in the NICU because I don't like it, so why would I want to float there?? Second day back and I can't even work on my own unit. I was, again, rather cranky.

Why am I telling you this? Well, because work has become an increasingly larger and larger problem for me. See, I'm burnt out. I was incredibly burnt out before my surgery. I thought having 3 and a half weeks off would help the situation. I thought I would go back refreshed.

That's not what happened.

I went back to work bitter and angry and tired. I went back to work and learned there were more changes made that are out of my control. I went back to work and I struggled. I struggled to keep my head above water. I struggled to keep up. I struggled to care. I'm a nurse - I'm supposed to care. I didn't.

I don't know what to make of this, honestly. I feel like I need to get away. From everything. From adulting. Maybe that would help. Maybe I need a change. I don't know. I just know I'm not happy.

My black cloud is my ever close companion right now. I'm not enveloped - my cloud is on the sidelines, inching closer every day. I still feel the effects though. I thought, maybe this is why I'm hating my job. Maybe this is why I feel overwhelmed. But alas, I was feeling these things before my black cloud came back. The cloud certainly makes it worse, but it's not the cause.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. Hubby? Obviously. Therapist? Of course. But who else? I work with my 2 closest friends (can't talk to other coworkers because of gossip). I can talk to my 2 friends but I don't think they'll get the depth of what I'm feeling. I'm not even sure I do.

I feel incredibly lost.