Well, here we are again, you and I. A little over a week has gone by and I'm very tired and burnt out. I'm also feeling a little bit used. More on that in a minute.
How are you, faithful reader? There's only one of you (or maybe there's more who stumble upon my blog and the count doesn't show it - who knows). I'm doing . . . okay. I've been battling a cold the past week and my congestion and cough are horrible. It's been keeping me up at night - most notably last night. Though I feel fine - not sick at all, really - just tired and congested. I hate colds like this, that linger. It's very annoying. I still worked, even though I was "under the weather". I don't like calling in sick and I felt well enough to work, so why not? We're all wearing masks anyway, so I'm probably not spreading too many germs.
Last week I worked 4 days - two 12 hour shifts and two 6 hour shifts. The 6 hour shifts were brutally slow. Why two 6 hour shifts and not one 12 hour? Well, that's because I split 2 shifts with a coworker (who is also a good friend). So instead of one full shift, I ended up with two half shifts. The first was Sunday, Halloween. My friend worked the morning and I worked the back half so she could take her son trick or treating. It was a slow afternoon that dragged on and on. Then I worked Wednesday and Friday full shifts. Both days were steady. Then this past Saturday was my other half shift. Again, I worked the second half so my friend could get family photos done. And this is why I feel a bit used. See, I'm pretty flexible with my work schedule. And everyone seems to know this. So everyone comes to me with trades. I usually say yes, because if I don't have anything planned, then why not? Right? I'm a good egg, helping my coworkers out. Which has been leaving me feeling taken advantage of. Why? Because there have been a couple times when I really needed a trade and no one was there to help me. But it's just expected of me to trade with others, move my shifts around to accommodate everyone else. I've been getting more and more frustrated with this. And this last swap with my friend was kind of the last straw. Mainly because she just expected me to do the trade, no questions asked. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since I've been so burnt out at work. I didn't feel appreciated. Just . . . used.
And I am still burnt out. Really burnt out. I worked all last weekend - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - and I'm working all this weekend too. I want to go to church and watch football but nooooo, my dumbass had to trade a shift. I'm trying to see the bright side. Like, it gives me 4 days off in a row. Time to recharge! Except I'm not recharging - I'm just annoyed and tired. I accomplished nothing yesterday and I've accomplished nothing today either. I'm so tired and I have no motivation. I get up, take the boy to school, have breakfast and coffee, and then go back to bed for an hour or so before I shower. Then I do nothing and end up taking a nap. This is what I do on my days off. And it is NOT recharging my battery. I feel worthless and pointless and unmotivated and lazy and fed up with myself. I hate that I'm doing this but I can't seem to stop or get out of this rut I'm in. It's like all I do is work and sleep my life away. Sounds like depression, doesn't it? I think there's a little bit there, hiding out in the shadows, not really perceptible, but there none the less. And I think it's sapping my energy. My motivation. My joy. I think it's contributing to my burn out and overwhelm. And then my burn out and overwhelm make the depression that much stronger. It's a cycle. One I intend to break. I just don't know how.
Tomorrow I'll start breaking it. Tomorrow I'm going to try something different. I'm going to get up early and shower before I take the boy to school. I'm not going to let myself lay back down. I'm not going to nap. I'm going to sew. I'm going to be productive. Tomorrow and Thursday (because starting Friday I'm back at work for 3 in a row). We'll see how I do. Fingers crossed.
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