Well it's Monday. A new week. A new start. A new day.
I'm off today, having worked the last 3 days (and of course I work tomorrow). I haven't done anything today except start laundry. I plan on doing the dishes as well, but I don't know if much else will get accomplished. I've been doing a lot of sitting and staring off into space. I have no motivation. Surprise! That's the story of my life right now. No motivation. Feeling down. Accomplishing nothing.
I'm over it.
But I don't know what to do about it. I really don't. I'm trying, I really am. And I'm failing. Everything that I did in my mental and emotional mastery program . . . it's not helping. Thinking positively . . . not helping. Trying to change habits . . . not helping. Forcing myself to do things . . . not helping. Praying . . . not helping. I'm at my wits end.
I'm supposed to see my psychiatrist in December. Maybe I should see him sooner. Maybe I should go back up on my Wellbutrin (I'm on 150mg - I used to be on 300mg). Maybe I should see my therapist. Maybe I should do all of this. And continue doing everything else. Throw everything I can at this. I'm tenacious. I'm not giving up. And I'm not going back to being depressed. I'm not. It's not an option.
The past 4 days I've been a lifeline for a friend who's going through a rough patch. A really rough patch. She reached out to me and I've been trying to help her. Giving her words of encouragement, pulling her back from the ledge. She asked me about my sparrows and I sketched one for her which she got tattooed on her yesterday. She had a ketamine infusion today and is starting to feel a little bit better. Her trials remind me of what I've gone through in the past. And what I could potentially go through again. It scares me. I'm so glad I can be there for her though. It helps to have someone who understands.
Today I'm down and flat. I just want to sleep. Take a nap until hubby gets home and we go to the gym. Because yeah, I'm forcing myself to go to the gym. I have to. I'll feel worse if I don't go. I'm trying to eat healthy again and count my macros. I'm trying to make working out a habit. I'm trying.
Anyway, here's my friend's little sparrow:
Sparrows are a symbol of hope for me. I have a few tattooed on me, too. Hopefully this little sparrow can help guide my friend out of the dark.
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