Hey there.
How's it going?
It would appear that my, uh, black cloud is back. Trying to take over. Envelop me with darkness. It's there, hovering, waiting for the right moment to strike. It could be any moment, I feel it. It's unrelenting.
I've been so close to breaking down. Several times a day. Every day. So close. My eyes fill with tears, full to the brim, but they don't spill over. There I sit, feeling the world crashing down around me, so ready to lose it, and then . . . nothing. The tears . . . they go. I don't know where because they're certainly not spilling down my cheeks. I sit there feeling so defeated and so empty and so . . . gyped because I didn't get that release. That emotional release that comes with crying. I don't get that. So I'm full of bad things. I'm full of emptiness - how can that be? I feel lost and confused and let down and angry, so angry! Why can't I cry??
I haven't been able to cry since I did TMS. Five months.
Granted, I haven't really needed to cry. I've been stable. Until recently. Until my black cloud started coming back around.
And now . . . now I can't cry.
When I'm not close to breaking down I feel flat. I feel meh. I just am. I'm not as quick to laugh. I get angry more often, and at stupid little things. I don't want to do anything. When I'm home alone by myself all I want to do is sleep. Sleep to escape. Need something to pass the time? Sleep. I have no motivation for anything. And I mean anything. Drawing, painting, reading, Spanish . . . I don't want to do any of it. I just want to sleep.
And I hate this. So much. I hate my black cloud. I keep thinking . . . if I could just cry. If I could just get that relief I would feel better. Do I know I would feel better? No. Of course not. But I think it would be better than having everything bottled up.
So now I'm stuck in this no man's land. Feeling empty and flat normally . . . anhedonic. And, well, feeling worse. But unable to express it.
Why not hypomania? Why not that? Just a little. Just a little . . .
Monday, January 27, 2020
Friday, January 10, 2020
Friday 1/10/20
Well. It's been a long time since I've blogged. Well over a month. Some things have happened, some things have changed.
My last post dealt with the dark cloud hanging over me. And, well, it's still there, but it's a lot smaller. It's not as impressive. It's not as overpowering. That's not to say that it doesn't get bad at times - it does - but it's much more manageable.
Probably the biggest thing that's happened is that I had surgery 2 days ago. In my last post I mentioned my extremely painful pilonidal cyst (a cyst on my tailbone). I saw my dermatologist who referred me to a general surgeon who decided it would be best for me to have surgery to remove it. The weeks leading up to surgery I was terrified and in denial about it. Because essentially, I was having surgery on my butt crack. Okay, literally I was having surgery on my butt crack. I didn't know what to expect of surgery or my recovery. I was scared and anxious. However, the surgery went well. I'm 2 days post op writing this and I'm not having any pain. I'm sore and tired for sure, but I'm not having any pain. I have a JP drain coming out of the surgical site that is draining excess blood and fluid that I get to empty several times a day (it looks like a rubber grenade attached to some tubing). I see my surgeon on Tuesday (14th) and will hopefully have the drain removed.
I have 2 commissions to complete over my time off from surgery (I have the next 3 weeks off). One is for 6 paintings! Six paintings that I really don't feel like doing. If I'm being honest. I still don't have inspiration or motivation to do things. That's one thing that hasn't changed since my last post. So these commissions are a daunting task.
So there you have it, short and sweet. An update since my last post. Goody gumdrops.
My last post dealt with the dark cloud hanging over me. And, well, it's still there, but it's a lot smaller. It's not as impressive. It's not as overpowering. That's not to say that it doesn't get bad at times - it does - but it's much more manageable.
Probably the biggest thing that's happened is that I had surgery 2 days ago. In my last post I mentioned my extremely painful pilonidal cyst (a cyst on my tailbone). I saw my dermatologist who referred me to a general surgeon who decided it would be best for me to have surgery to remove it. The weeks leading up to surgery I was terrified and in denial about it. Because essentially, I was having surgery on my butt crack. Okay, literally I was having surgery on my butt crack. I didn't know what to expect of surgery or my recovery. I was scared and anxious. However, the surgery went well. I'm 2 days post op writing this and I'm not having any pain. I'm sore and tired for sure, but I'm not having any pain. I have a JP drain coming out of the surgical site that is draining excess blood and fluid that I get to empty several times a day (it looks like a rubber grenade attached to some tubing). I see my surgeon on Tuesday (14th) and will hopefully have the drain removed.
I have 2 commissions to complete over my time off from surgery (I have the next 3 weeks off). One is for 6 paintings! Six paintings that I really don't feel like doing. If I'm being honest. I still don't have inspiration or motivation to do things. That's one thing that hasn't changed since my last post. So these commissions are a daunting task.
So there you have it, short and sweet. An update since my last post. Goody gumdrops.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)