Tuesday 1/14/25 Oh my . . .

 Been almost a month again since my last post. My posts are so sporadic now which, I guess, is a good thing. It means I'm doing well. When I'm depressed my posts are weekly or more frequently than that. So we're going to call sporadic posts a good thing. 

The past month has been pretty, uh, routine. There's not much of anything going on. I finally did some artwork (a doodle in my sketchbook and a painting) and have a few sketches I need to paint. Though I don't feel like painting today. I actually don't feel like doing much of anything today. I had physical therapy this morning and now I'm just meh. Unmotivated. My therapist did some dry needling in my right SI joint and now I'm all achy and sore (dry needling is where they take acupuncture needles and insert them deep into the muscle and then sometimes apply a light current through them). I was going to do yoga when I got home but I'm just not feeling it today. I worked out yesterday, will workout on Thursday and Saturday, so I guess it's okay to take today off. 

I don't think I've mentioned why I'm in physical therapy. My right lower back (truly my right SI joint) has been hurting for months. I saw my doc, we did x-rays, and she recommended PT. It took over a month for me to get in to PT, which is kind of dumb. While waiting for PT, the pain was constantly achy with sharp stabs. It hurt mostly when I was sitting, so I couldn't sit for long periods. Standing, walking, laying down . . . mostly okay. Now it's mainly achy, though I do get sharp stabs with certain movements. It's a lot better than what it was though. There was no injury, no reason I could see as to why I'm hurting. My therapist thinks it's repetitive motions from work and that my muscles finally said screw you. At least I'm able to sit comfortably now without it hurting too much. I'm trying to strengthen my core and I'm doing my exercises at home, but so far I haven't noticed much of a difference. And PT is expensive (my copay is $77 each visit), so I was hoping to not have to have many sessions. So far I've had 4 and have another one this Thursday. Oy. 

Everything else is status quo. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my day, besides laundry. Never ending laundry. 

Monday 5/16/22 Finally some art

 Yep. I finally did some art today. First time painting all month. Last month and the month before I was all about painting horses, horses, horses. Then I ran out of steam. I have no motivation or inspiration. I don't want to continue just painting horse after horse, but I'm not sure what to paint. Art block, I guess. All artists get it. I've had it numerous times. Maybe being able to paint today (not horses) signifies the lifting of my art block. Who knows. Guess I'll find out . . . time will tell.

Today I also finished my course on kicking my sugar addiction. It was a very insightful course and I think I can really do it - stop eating sugar. Again, time will tell. I'll see how I do over the coming weeks. There's a "master class" I can sign up for if I need extra help (it, of course, costs extra, and is pretty pricey). But if I'm struggling I just may sign up. Because I'm determined to become a person who doesn't eat sugar. I know I'll be healthier and feel better by not eating sugar. 

Mood wise I've been all over the place. Well, maybe not quite "all over", but I'm having ups and downs. Today is a down day. Yesterday, at work, I was pretty okay. Maybe just a little blah. But okay. Just when I start to feel like I'm doing a bit better, that maybe, just maybe my depression is lifting, I have a day like today. Which reminds me that I'm most definitely not out of the woods yet. It's not that today is bad - I mean, I've accomplished a lot today. It's just that I'm not feeling it. I feel like I've done nothing. Even though I was up early, showered, shaved, did laundry, finished my sugar course, did 2 paintings, and am going to work out, I feel none of it. I'm empty and hollow and feel nothing. Except down and blah. It's frustrating, to say the least. And I really don't know what to do except keep pushing through. It just seems so daunting and overwhelming. To have to keep feeling this way. To have to keep pushing through. I'm so tired of it. I want things to be easy and they're not. Ugh. 

I still have 4 weeks before my next therapy session. It feels so far off (it's already been 3 since my last session). Maybe that will be a good thing - it's not like I have much new to talk about. I go to work, I eat and sleep and complain, and go to bed. Nothing new. 

Tomorrow is my anniversary. Nineteen years of marriage, 22 years together. Pretty awesome. I don't think we're doing anything, which doesn't bother me. I don't have anything planned - not even a card. Maybe I should at least get him a card. I just don't feel like celebrating. I've never been big on celebrating. I have a boring dinner planned, but I do that every night that I'm off. Oh well. Maybe we'll end up going out. Who knows. 

That's it for now I guess. I have no direction with this post. Same shit, different day.  

Friday 11/13/20 Friday the 13th

 Welp. It's Friday the 13th. In 2020. I'm bracing myself for some fucked up shit to happen. But hopefully it won't. This year has been awful enough already. 

Sooooo, guess what? I'm going back to full time! That's right! Full time baby! I've been working only two 12-hour shifts a week for the last 6 years (full time is three 12-hour shifts). And yeah - I'm finally going back to full time. Why, you ask? Well, because 1. I'm feeling good and stable and ready to tackle it, and 2. the extra money will be nice. It was actually a daunting decision to make, and one I'm still a little nervous about. But I think it will be good for me. And besides, I need to save up money for my next tattoo. 

Speaking of tattoos, I finally settled on what I want and where I want it. 

Here's what I will be getting:

Yes, I did paint that. I'm getting it on the back of my right forearm. I absolutely ADORE magpies (and other corvids as well), but magpies in particular because they are really quite beautiful. I'm hoping to have my tattoo done by January or February. We'll see. *fingers crossed*

There's another painting I did that came in a close second:

I just happen to like the first one a smidge more. I can't wait to have it done! It's been so long since I've gotten a tattoo (I'm not even sure how long - 6? 7 years?). I'm very overdue for one. 

In other news, I've been still feeling quite well. Upbeat, happy, and generally more relaxed and less cranky. Which is so freaking nice! 

Anyway, that's my little update. Here's to full time and a new tattoo!

Thursday 10/15/20 Stuff and Stuff

 Welp, it's been a week since my last post and I'm happy to say I'm not struggling as much. I'm still feeling down, disinterested and withdrawn, but it's not as prominent? That's not the word I'm looking for. It's not as all encompassing. Or as bad, I should say. I guess. 

I haven't been sleeping all that well. I'm up about every hour - and not even because I have to pee! No, my brain is just being an asshole and waking me up. So I've felt pretty damn exhausted the past few days. I mean, if I'm not going to sleep, can I at least have some hypomania to go with it? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. Oh well. 

I've been painting a little more. Here's a couple of foxes I did:

 

Aren't they cute? The coffee one looks a little wonky to me. Like, he didn't look as wonky when he was just inked. But when I added watercolor he got wonky. That's okay though - I still love him. 

Here's a shout out to myself: both of these paintings (and others) are available in my Etsy shop!

I might as well toot my own horn, right?

Anyway, there's not really much of anything going on. My tooth I had a root canal in is still hurting after a month and a half so that sucks. I go back to the endodontist next Tuesday to have it looked at (my dentist doesn't know what to do about it). He said maybe steroid injections at the base of the tooth to stop inflammation while it heals. Boy doesn't that sound fun . . . or not. One of the two. 

So for now I guess I just keep plugging along, trying to sleep, and trying not to let my lower mood get to me. What more can I do?

Wednesday 4/15/20

Would you look at that - it hasn't been a week yet and I'm writing again. I'm having an overwhelming desire to write. But I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about. . .

I'm on the couch (as per usual), listening to both music on my phone and my son yelling at his friends through his headset. Delightful. Although wait - what's that? It seems he's being quiet for the time being.

For not feeling great I've gotten some things accomplished the past few days. Monday I did a sketchy type personal drawing of a woman crying; yesterday I painted five bookmarks - cute ones - and sold two of them; today I cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, and went to the post office. Stuff I got done that I honestly didn't think I'd accomplish. I'm proud of myself for that.

Especially because I seem to be frozen.

Frozen from doing things. For example, after I showered yesterday (a feat in itself), I had to lay down for an hour before I could go downstairs to my studio to paint. It was too overwhelming. I just couldn't do it. Ultimately I was able to get myself up and down there, but it was truly difficult.

I'm starting to feel as though things are pointless. Nothing really matters. It's all stupid. This is very bad thinking for me and is usually the first step to suicidal thoughts. I've been very active in countering this thinking with positive thoughts. But that's hard to do and it's surprisingly tiresome. You wouldn't think so, but it can be exhausting countering negative thoughts.

I'm trying to come up with things to do. Like making mother's day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. I know they would appreciate them which makes them not pointless, right? See, self? Things aren't as pointless as you think.

I'm hoping things like that will help. Painting and drawing - having a creative outlet - usually seems to help. What sucks is that I haven't had the motivation to do this. It's hard to even get out of bed and perform the basics of hygiene let alone be creative and act on it.

I'll get there at some point I suppose.

Tuesday 2/18/20

I meant to write last night, but I distracted myself with Pinterest. I needed to write last night, but I didn't. I don't really know why I didn't. There's no good reason.

My black cloud is trying to envelop me, trying to consume me. I've had some bad days. Days where I can barely get out of bed to use the bathroom. Days where I see no end to the darkness. I'm trying not to let it get me. I'm fighting as best as I can.

I'm thinking about doing maintenance TMS. It's once or twice a month. But it's $200 a pop and we honestly don't have the money for that. I'm also sticking to an eating plan, calorie counting, and exercising. Maybe if I can lose some weight it'll help.

Maybe it will help.

I'm trying to counter all of my negative thoughts - which is exhausting - and remain positive. I'm trying to stay present, get plenty of rest, and interact with people (also exhausting). Speaking of interacting with people, a few coworkers have noticed my facade slipping and have asked me if I'm okay.

Do I lie or do I open up?

I guess it depends on who it is.

I've been doing some art - paintings. Keeps me occupied, kills the time, keeps me from napping. As of right now I thankfully have a shred of inspiration. Hopefully I can hang on to that. Painting helps.

I haven't studied Spanish for weeks. I can't concentrate. I haven't really read in weeks because I can't concentrate. I try, but I fail. If I lose my inspiration for painting I don't know what I'll do.

Probably nap, which I don't want to do. That's giving in and I can't do that.

Just over a week and I have therapy. Maybe that'll help.

Until then I'll keep struggling against the waves.

Friday 1/10/20

Well. It's been a long time since I've blogged. Well over a month. Some things have happened, some things have changed.

My last post dealt with the dark cloud hanging over me. And, well, it's still there, but it's a lot smaller. It's not as impressive. It's not as overpowering. That's not to say that it doesn't get bad at times - it does - but it's much more manageable.

Probably the biggest thing that's happened is that I had surgery 2 days ago. In my last post I mentioned my extremely painful pilonidal cyst (a cyst on my tailbone). I saw my dermatologist who referred me to a general surgeon who decided it would be best for me to have surgery to remove it. The weeks leading up to surgery I was terrified and in denial about it. Because essentially, I was having surgery on my butt crack. Okay, literally I was having surgery on my butt crack. I didn't know what to expect of surgery or my recovery. I was scared and anxious. However, the surgery went well. I'm 2 days post op writing this and I'm not having any pain. I'm sore and tired for sure, but I'm not having any pain. I have a JP drain coming out of the surgical site that is draining excess blood and fluid that I get to empty several times a day (it looks like a rubber grenade attached to some tubing). I see my surgeon on Tuesday (14th) and will hopefully have the drain removed.

I have 2 commissions to complete over my time off from surgery (I have the next 3 weeks off). One is for 6 paintings! Six paintings that I really don't feel like doing. If I'm being honest. I still don't have inspiration or motivation to do things. That's one thing that hasn't changed since my last post. So these commissions are a daunting task.

So there you have it, short and sweet. An update since my last post. Goody gumdrops.