Tuesday 1/14/25 Oh my . . .

 Been almost a month again since my last post. My posts are so sporadic now which, I guess, is a good thing. It means I'm doing well. When I'm depressed my posts are weekly or more frequently than that. So we're going to call sporadic posts a good thing. 

The past month has been pretty, uh, routine. There's not much of anything going on. I finally did some artwork (a doodle in my sketchbook and a painting) and have a few sketches I need to paint. Though I don't feel like painting today. I actually don't feel like doing much of anything today. I had physical therapy this morning and now I'm just meh. Unmotivated. My therapist did some dry needling in my right SI joint and now I'm all achy and sore (dry needling is where they take acupuncture needles and insert them deep into the muscle and then sometimes apply a light current through them). I was going to do yoga when I got home but I'm just not feeling it today. I worked out yesterday, will workout on Thursday and Saturday, so I guess it's okay to take today off. 

I don't think I've mentioned why I'm in physical therapy. My right lower back (truly my right SI joint) has been hurting for months. I saw my doc, we did x-rays, and she recommended PT. It took over a month for me to get in to PT, which is kind of dumb. While waiting for PT, the pain was constantly achy with sharp stabs. It hurt mostly when I was sitting, so I couldn't sit for long periods. Standing, walking, laying down . . . mostly okay. Now it's mainly achy, though I do get sharp stabs with certain movements. It's a lot better than what it was though. There was no injury, no reason I could see as to why I'm hurting. My therapist thinks it's repetitive motions from work and that my muscles finally said screw you. At least I'm able to sit comfortably now without it hurting too much. I'm trying to strengthen my core and I'm doing my exercises at home, but so far I haven't noticed much of a difference. And PT is expensive (my copay is $77 each visit), so I was hoping to not have to have many sessions. So far I've had 4 and have another one this Thursday. Oy. 

Everything else is status quo. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my day, besides laundry. Never ending laundry. 

Tuesday 1/30/24 This is Nice

 Been a minute since I last wrote. I've been enjoying my time with no school work. It's so nice. I have time to draw and paint and read, to work out and nap, to relax. It's just so freaking nice. Guess I didn't realize how much I need those things in my life until I couldn't do them anymore. 

Last post I mentioned that I had homework for therapy. So I did 3 self portraits. I'm pleased with how they turned out. I need to scan them into the computer and maybe I'll share them here. We'll see. But I got them done, I've painted dragons (2024 is the year of the dragon), and today I'm painting koi fish. I'm also going to spend the afternoon sitting on the deck and reading (it's supposed to be 60 degrees here today). I've read 2 books over the past week and a half, Wabi Sabi and Ikigai (both books on living imperfectly and finding meaning in your life based on Japanese principles). The book I'm currently reading is on Buddhism and I ordered another book on Buddhism to read after this one. They all have been good reads, interesting and calming. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself.

Also I've been working out consistently these past 2 weeks. Three days a week. A good start. I'm proud of myself for that. And it feels good to be doing it as well, an added bonus. And I started a program called Golo. It's a lifestyle changing, weight loss program. I'll be eating more whole foods and less junk/processed foods. Which - lets be honest - we all should be doing this anyway. They have a supplement to take as well that is supposed to help with cravings and help balance blood sugar and insulin levels. I'm optimistic. Mainly because I'll be eating healthier, which will be good for my anyway. Hopefully eating cleaner and working out will help me drop some weight and be overall healthier (I know it will). I have to work on binge eating junk at work - especially on busy/stressful days. I tend to go overboard there. If there's junk out, I'll eat it. I've been doing hypnosis to help with this and I've been doing better. Go me. 

Work has been work. Yesterday was slow as hell and was the longest day ever. Tomorrow will be a shit show because the doctors decided it was a good idea to schedule EVERYTHING for the week on one day. Fucking stupid. But I'll get through. I'd love to have a week off with no work. Not necessarily to do anything, but just to not have to go to work. That would be nice. 

That's what's been up. Nothing exciting. Moods have been steady, no ups or downs, just an even keel. Which is also nice. 

Toodle loo!

Thursday 1/4/24 New Year

 Welp. It's 2024. Pretty crazy. I worked new year's eve day, which was fine. Even got off a little early (5:45pm), which was nice. I was in bed by 9:30 I think and then woken up by neighborhood fireworks at midnight. So, technically I rang in the new year awake ;) 

Monday and Tuesday was homework all day. Tuesday night we (hubby, son, and myself) met up with my stepmom, her hubby, and my stepsister and her family for dinner. Then on to Cripple Creek for the Ice Castles, which was crazy cold and pretty nifty (it was around 20 degrees F). It was nice to see everyone and hang out, even though it was freezing cold. Yesterday was work and today has been reading the last few chapters in my textbook. Which I am now done with. Yes, done. Over 1500 pages in my gigantic, 10lb textbook read over the past 7 weeks. Holy crap. That's a lot of reading. Next week is my last week of class. I have 2 discussion questions (and 4 replies) and my final exam to do and I'm officially done. 

I thought I'd feel more like a failure for taking one class and giving up. I thought I'd be beating myself up more. But maybe there's too much relief in being done. I've really, truly been struggling mentally and emotionally with school (not that you'd be able to tell from the outside - I'm good at hiding it). And who knows, maybe I'm finally mature enough emotionally to not need to beat myself up. Thanks, therapy. I still feel guilty. Because of the money we've spent. New desk, laptop, printer/scanner, accessories, textbook, the cost of the class . . . that's a lot of money that I feel like I'm throwing away. That I didn't deserve to have spent on me. Okay, maybe I'm beating myself up a little bit. I can't help it - it's in my nature. 

In other news, I've been working out. Not every day, not yet. But 3 days this past week, and I'm proud of myself for that (keep in mind I haven't worked out for the past 4 months). So 3 days consistently is big for me. I'm trying to get back into the groove of working out. Getting strong, increasing endurance. I need to, desperately. My goal is to do yoga on the mornings I work and lift weights/cardio on my days off. I need to build up to that though because I'm so freaking out of shape. I'll get there.

My eating is slowly getting better as well. Not as much binging on junk, which is huge. I've been doing hypnosis sessions (recorded, online) and I think it's helping. Finally. Because the binging was getting out of control. But now, not so much. 

Anyway, there's not much else going on. I'm quitting school, trying to get in shape, and getting back to making artwork (maybe there's some paper mache in the future). We'll see.

Friday 12/9/22 Stuff and things

 Well, it's Friday. Nothing special about it.

I've managed to get two good workouts in this week, plus walking yesterday volunteering. It's a start. I downloaded a workout app that I "committed" to using at least twice a week. It has hundreds (if not thousands) of different workouts to choose from - Tuesday and today I did total body workouts (today was more of a HIIT workout, Tuesday was more strength focused). I was sore after Tuesday, and my legs are jello today. I'm hoping I can continue to be consistent and work out regularly. I really need to get in shape in general, but especially in time for our Japan trip - we're going to be walking a LOT the two weeks we're there! I don't want to be struggling to get around or totally exhausted. I've got a little over 5 months to get in shape. I can do it!

I did my first craft fair last weekend (the 3rd and 4th). I sold more than I thought I was going to sell, so that's good. I had kind of a crappy location - tucked in a corner of Doherty's small gym (which lots of people don't even know exists). They didn't have good signage for the small gym either. But I made around $600 so that's cool. I presigned up for next year with a request of being in the main gym or cafeteria - so I can get more exposure. All in all it was a good experience, although tiring. Lots of peopling (which I'm not very good at, being an introvert). We're going to professionally scan some of my personal artwork and make prints of them for next time. And, I guess, for my Etsy shop too. I don't know how much that's going to cost or which paintings to do or if people will like them . . . ugh.

Mood wise I've been holding pretty steady. I have times where I'm meh, or irritable, or down, but it usually doesn't last long. So that's good. Stable is good. I keep waiting for the depression to come back but it hasn't yet. It's been over a month since my last ketamine treatment, fingers crossed I can go 3 months or longer. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. 

Tuesday 2/18/20

I meant to write last night, but I distracted myself with Pinterest. I needed to write last night, but I didn't. I don't really know why I didn't. There's no good reason.

My black cloud is trying to envelop me, trying to consume me. I've had some bad days. Days where I can barely get out of bed to use the bathroom. Days where I see no end to the darkness. I'm trying not to let it get me. I'm fighting as best as I can.

I'm thinking about doing maintenance TMS. It's once or twice a month. But it's $200 a pop and we honestly don't have the money for that. I'm also sticking to an eating plan, calorie counting, and exercising. Maybe if I can lose some weight it'll help.

Maybe it will help.

I'm trying to counter all of my negative thoughts - which is exhausting - and remain positive. I'm trying to stay present, get plenty of rest, and interact with people (also exhausting). Speaking of interacting with people, a few coworkers have noticed my facade slipping and have asked me if I'm okay.

Do I lie or do I open up?

I guess it depends on who it is.

I've been doing some art - paintings. Keeps me occupied, kills the time, keeps me from napping. As of right now I thankfully have a shred of inspiration. Hopefully I can hang on to that. Painting helps.

I haven't studied Spanish for weeks. I can't concentrate. I haven't really read in weeks because I can't concentrate. I try, but I fail. If I lose my inspiration for painting I don't know what I'll do.

Probably nap, which I don't want to do. That's giving in and I can't do that.

Just over a week and I have therapy. Maybe that'll help.

Until then I'll keep struggling against the waves.

Wednesday 11/20/19

If you read my last post you know I'm struggling just a little. It's a silent struggle mostly - I'm not being vocal about it to friends or family. As far as everyone is concerned I'm A-OK. Maybe this isn't the best thing to do. Maybe I should speak up instead of silently suffering. It's just that, well, everyone wants me to be doing good and I don't want to let them down. TMS was the silver bullet to my depression - it worked. And to have my depression come back before I've even paid off treatment . . . well, I can't stand that scenario.

As of right now it's just little things. Like anger. I'm getting angry at stupid little things. And yes, I know, everyone does this from time to time. But it's becoming more frequent and consistent for me.

Sleeping. I'm starting to sleep entirely too much. Sleeping in, naps, you name it, I'm doing it. I wake up around 5am and feel awake. So what do I do? I go back to bed until 8 when I have to take my son to school. When I get home from that I tend to go back to bed until 10 or 11 before I get up and get ready for the day. If I don't know what to do with my time I'll nap. This happens every day I don't work. It's becoming obscene.

Negative thinking. Negative thinking and I go way back, back to my childhood where I never thought I was good enough. But when I've been feeling better I've been able to manage it pretty well. Well, not anymore. Negative thinking is taking over in a no-holds-barred match. It's like, if I can put a negative spin on something, I will. Now, keep in mind these thoughts are automatic - I'm not purposefully doing this. But they're there, and as much as I try to counter them they seem to be winning out.

Motivation and inspiration. My motivation for virtually anything is long gone. I'm still getting my butt to the gym, though not as regularly as I'd like, because of my lack of motivation. I also have no motivation to do things like keep my house clean or shower. Sometimes I have a hard time feeding myself because I just don't care. Part of me really wants to draw and paint because that's one thing I really enjoy. But I don't have inspiration for what to paint or the motivation to accomplish it. Just yesterday I sketched some jackrabbits and thought that maybe - just maybe - I'll come up with an idea for a painting I can do today. Well, that didn't happen. Here I sit, blogging, having slept in until 11am. No motivation. No inspiration.

Little things. Little things either piss me off or bring me close to tears (mind you, I haven't been able to cry since TMS). For example, I have a pilonidal cyst (a cyst on my tailbone). It's very painful - very painful. I'm having a hard time handling this. I feel overwhelmed and near my wits end because of this. Another example - I dropped my spoon this morning. I yelled, cussed and nearly cried. Because I dropped my spoon. Little things are getting to me. I just can't handle them.

Now for me, these all seem like warning signs of early depression. I so far don't feel depressed - at least how I feel when I am depressed. But it makes me think (and overthink) and worry that I'm in for a relapse. Sadly I don't have therapy again until Dec. 5th. Don't see my psychiatrist until Dec. 10th. So I guess I'mm winging it until then. :(

Wednesday 9/4/19

I look over my shoulder and there it is: the black cloud. The same cloud that's followed me my whole life is back and it's getting closer. I try to run from it to no avail - the cloud easily keeps up. It's not raining - not yet - but the rain is inevitable. It always comes, no matter how little sun I've had.

This is how I'm feeling right now. I'm almost finished with my TMS treatment. I have 3 more regular sessions to go before I start my taper (3 weeks of 2 treatments per week). And then that's it. I'll be done. And I have to say I've done quite well with it. My depression scale scores have dropped dramatically, I've been feeling better, smiling, laughing, talking, interacting. That existential dread that I used to feel in the mornings is gone. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

So what's the problem then?

It's that black cloud. It's back. It's not hovering over me quite yet, but it's there. I can feel it. That little tickle on the back of my neck . . . it's there. Little nuances I'm picking up on. Negative thinking, feeling empty, questioning my existence. That damn cloud is moving ever closer.

I'm working hard to keep it at bay. Countering my negative thoughts, filling my days with things I enjoy . . . I read a book called The Depression Cure by Stephen S Ilardi  and I'm following his program to combat depression (I recommend reading the book - it's very interesting and makes a lot of sense). I'm keeping up with therapy and follow up appointments, going to my TMS classes, eating healthier and exercising more. What more can I do? No really - what more?

That black cloud keeps moving closer and the rain is inevitable. So why run? What good will it do? If the rain is going to come . . . well, it's going to come.

Perhaps this time I should learn to dance in it.

Monday 7/8/19

I was supposed to have therapy today. At noon. But my therapist forgot, somehow, and I didn't get to have my session. I sat in the waiting room with no receptionist, classical music blaring, until 12:36 - the time that I called my therapist, M, and left him a message that I had been there, apparently there was a miscommunication of sorts, and that I was leaving. I asked him to call me back so we could reschedule.

And I left.

And I didn't realize how much I needed therapy today until I didn't have it. I didn't realize how much I was struggling and needed to talk until I left M's office in tears. The slightest mishap breaking me down.

All I want to do anymore is sleep. I wake up looking forward to bedtime and that's it. I nap every day I don't work so that I can escape reality and my crummy feelings. Because sleep is like death without the commitment. It's my only escape.

I'm starting the process to be "approved" for TMS. I talked to D today and she sent me the paperwork I need to fill out and turn in. This causes a problem for me. It makes all my self-doubt, self-hate and self-worth issues scream even louder. I can't hum to myself and ignore the cacophony. No, I'm bombarded with a level of self loathing you can't even imagine, which brings my mood down even lower than before.

Why is this? Why don't I feel worthy of treatment? I know that I'm scared. Scared of what stable and well will look like. I've always been scared of that. When you've lived your entire life with depression . . . well, remission is terrifying. Is this why I don't feel worthy?

I'm also scared that I'll fail, that treatment won't work for me. And where will I be then? Because I can't keep living like this. I can't. This is no way to live.

Hubby has this grand plan that I'll start TMS, I'll get back in the gym, and I'll get better and lose weight and everything will be all hunky-dory. And I'm scared that I'll fail him. I don't even deserve treatment, let alone having it work well for me. I'm worried it won't work. That I won't get back in the gym. That I won't get better and/or lose weight.

I'm worried that everything will fall to pieces and I'll be left worse off than I am now because I will have lost my only shred of hope.

Damn I wish I could have had therapy today.

M did call me back, by the way, and apologized. He said I could smack him. And I might take him up on that because I have to wait another week to see him.

In the meantime I guess I keep plugging through, picking myself up by the boot straps. I just wish I knew how to keep doing that.

11/16/18

How many times I wished for change,
Gave up, gave in and called it fate,
Repeating all of the same mistakes,
Wasn't ready for what I'd find.
Whatever it is that turned the knife,
It was a long, long night . . .
      -Guster, Long Night


This rings so true for me. In several aspects of my life, but most notably dealing with my bipolar disorder and my weight. In both these areas I wished for change countless times. I've given up, given in, only to start fighting again which leads to giving up again. I have repeated the same mistakes, over and over again, despite therapy, despite knowing what to do (just eat healthy and exercise, seriously wtf), and despite having support at every turn. I don't think I've been ready for what I'd find (stability and possible weight loss) for God knows what reason. I don't know.

Although that's not an entirely true statement. Weight loss doesn't scare me. Failing to lose weight is what scares me. What if I give it my all and I still don't lose? What then? I'm a big, fat failure. And that scares me into doing nothing and sabotaging myself. I've been picking up on my sabotaging, my binge eating (although my binges are small, they certainly add up). My lack of energy, enthusiasm, and motivation to do anything exercise related. Couple all of this with being on 3 medications that cause weight gain and you have a recipe for disaster.

I don't know what it was that turned the knife but I'm finally so sick of how I look and how I feel that I'm finally doing something about it. Finally. After 3 years of constant weight gain (75 pounds to be exact) I'm finally ready to do something about it.

I bet you thought this post was going to be about my bipolar, my depression, right? Sorry, not today love. I need to write about my weight. I need to get it out there. I need to be accountable and I feel getting it "down on paper" will help with that.

So what am I going to do differently?  Well, for starters, I'm going to drastically cut down on refined sugar. My therapist suggested that I try the paleo diet but after researching it I know I can't be that drastic with my dietary changes. I'll fail. So I'm cutting down on sugar. I'm giving up soda - including diet soda, which was always my go to at work. I'm increasing the amount of fruits and veggies I eat, which shouldn't be too hard considering I already eat a lot as it is. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods rather than prepackaged processed foods, even though they are more convenient. Which means more nuts and seeds for snacks. I'm not giving up dairy because I love cheese so much, but I will be cutting down on it.

For movement I am going to try and go to the gym at least 3 days a week. Now that I'm over my blasted cold I plan on doing at least 20 minutes of cardio in addition to weight lifting. Cardio will have to start out slow for me as I am dreadfully out of shape. I ordered these workout DVDs that are 15 minute HIIT workouts that I intend to start doing 3 mornings a week. I would also like to start riding my spin bike again. All of this will start off slowly and build over time because 1. it sounds like a hell of a lot and 2. I'm so damn out of shape it's ridiculous. But that's the plan.

I'm not hoping to lose weight quickly. You know what? Fuck it. That's a lie. I would love to lose weight quickly but I know it's not going to happen that way. So slow weight loss it is. Slow and steady wins the race, right? So that's what we're hoping for.

What we're also hoping for is for my bipolar to cooperate. Because when I get really depressed it's like I can't work out. I can't even get out of bed sometimes, how am I going to get to the gym? And when I'm depressed? I eat. I try not to, but I eat. I eat to fill the void. Not a good setup for weight loss.

But this is where I'm at. Something turned the knife and I'm going to do this despite my depression and despite myself. I'm going to finally lose weight. Period.

8/24/18

It's been almost a month since my last post. I find that it's harder for me to write when I'm feeling good.  And that's how I've been feeling - good. I'm stable, I'm even happy. It's weird to be feeling this way and it seems to be a little weird for the people around me (hubby mentioned he's not quite sure how to act with me being "normal"). I've had coworkers and friends tell me that I'm acting like my old self, which honestly, is nice to hear.

So what am I writing about today? I'm happy and doing well, so what, really, am I writing about?

Well, let's just say that being stable and well isn't all it's cracked up to be. To put it bluntly, I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I have more time during the day to do things since I'm not crippled with depression and I don't know what to do. It also doesn't help since I seem to have developed the habit of procrastination. I procrastinate and procrastinate, putting things off until I have no time to do them and then I have to come up with excuses as to why I didn't get shit done. This only happens when I'm at home mind you, I don't do this at work.

Let's take today for example. Rather than get up and workout, which is what I had planned to do, I laid around in bed. Uh oh! It's time to take my son to school, guess I can't workout. When I got home from taking Ayden to school, I had coffee and perused Instagram for a little bit. Only "a little bit" turned into an hour and an hour turned into an hour and a half. No! I need to clean the bathrooms! And do the dishes! And work on a drawing!

So what did I do?

I went upstairs and laid down for "a few minutes" (like half an hour). The only reason I woke up is because my hubby texted me. Okay. I gotta clean. But I don't want to and I'm coming up with every excuse as to why I can't do it today. I had this overwhelming feeling of NOT wanting to get it done. But I cleaned. And I congratulated myself on getting it done (even though I did a shitty job). And then I showered instead of cleaning the second bathroom. I made excuses. And hey - it was already 11:30 and I hadn't even showered yet!

But I didn't want to shower. And I didn't want to shave or wash my hair or put on makeup or do any of those things at all. I wanted to go and lay back down and take yet another nap.

Why the fuck is it I just want to sleep?? Instead of drawing or painting or reading or working out or  watching TV. All I want to do is sleep. Every day I'm off I take a nap and I will purposefully NOT do something so that I can sleep. This to me doesn't seem normal. This seems like depression behavior but I'm not depressed. I don't like it. I want to do the things I used to love like painting and reading. I want to be able to clean the house without constantly coming up with excuses not to do it.  I want to be able to actually work out and not just say I'm going to. Tomorrow.

Seriously! I don't know what my problem is! What's wrong with me? Why can't I just get shit done like normal people do?? I guess I'll be exploring this with my hubby and therapist instead of hiding it and making excuses.

7/9/18

Do you know what's funny? I have therapy this Thursday (the 12th) and I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about. The last time I saw M I was still very much depressed. Then I had ECT last week and started feeling better. I even got a little hypomanic one day. Now I'm just flat. Though I'm trying not to be.

I had a few good days but now I'm back to being flat. I think I'm quicker to laugh than I was before, and I think I'm feeling more genuine emotion than I was before (although it's difficult for me to do so), but I'm still overall flat. I'm trying to get excited about things, like my communication books and CBT book I ordered.

You know what though? What's frustrating to no end? I'm still having suicidal thoughts. They're really bad today. Like, nearly constant today. I'm so sick of them. I'm so sick of picturing my death in detail. I'm so sick of picturing the aftermath, cause I do think about that too. It's really fucking annoying. I try countering the thoughts, I try thinking about something else and my mind always comes back to suicide. I'm not suicidal though - there's no intent right now. I'm not going to do anything. My mind is just an asshole and hates me.

I'm struggling with getting up in the mornings. Mainly the mornings I have off. I don't want to get up. I have no desire, no motivation. I'm slow moving. I don't get anything done. I just can't. I hate it. I know part of the problem is that I feel that things are pointless. So why get up? Nothing has any meaning or point to it . . .

Anyway, aside from the suicidal thoughts I think overall I'm better than I was before I had ECT last Monday. Something to be thankful for. And I am. I just wish I could get my drive back (especially for exercise) and quit it with the suicidal thoughts. Cause those can ruin a mood.

6/18/18

Do you know how difficult it is to do cardio when you can't stop crying? I found out this morning. On my spin bike. I could only do 10 minutes because I was sobbing and I couldn't stop. The ugly cry but silent because my son was just upstairs and I didn't want him to see me, I didn't want him to know.

I meant to get up early this morning. I even had my alarm set. But I didn't. No, I laid in bed for an hour contemplating everything and nothing. Everything just seems so pointless. So I laid in bed. After that hour I finally got up, mainly because I had to use the bathroom. But I figured, well, I'm up, I might as well have breakfast and coffee.

So I did.

And I perused Instagram and Facebook. And I realized I wasn't feeling all that good. I realized today might be tough. I realized that despite my best efforts I wasn't going to make it to the gym this afternoon. I realized that if I was going to get my workout in I'd have to do it at home.

I psyched myself up, went downstairs, and got on the spin bike. The first 5 minutes were actually okay. See? You can do this! You got this!

Except . . . except the tears started falling. I wiped them away and pushed on. I'm working out dammit, we're not doing this.

My brain is an asshole though. It didn't listen. Instead it brought on the darkness. It bombarded me with an endless stream of negative thoughts. It caught me off guard and I was powerless against it.

So I cried. I sobbed. I fogged up my fucking glasses. I made my way to the bathroom to blow my nose and I tried countering the negative thoughts with good ones. Positive ones. Happy ones. Clancy, my brain, doesn't give up easily though. I sat down on the floor and stared at my hands for 20 minutes trying to gain control.

Finally . . . slowly . . . I was able to gain control. But the darkness was still there. That heavy, depressive feeling was still enveloping me.

And it has been all day.

Today is a tough one.