Monday 8/19/19

It's been awhile since I last wrote and I'm happy to say I'm doing better. Today was my 16th TMS treatment and I'm already feeling the effects, I'm already getting better. Pretty amazing stuff!

With that being said, it's a very weird experience. Almost like I don't know how to act. I'm so used to being depressed that I'm not sure what "normal" looks like for me. You'd think it would come naturally, but for me, it doesn't.

I was getting ready for work yesterday and it dawned on me that I wasn't filled with existential dread. I didn't fear the day. I didn't feel hopeless and worthless and dead inside. Instead I felt hopeful. I felt as though I was ready to tackle anything. I felt, dare I say it, happy.

I don't really know what to do with this. I tend to over analyze everything and I'm trying not to do that here, lest I ruin it. I'm trying to just run with it, experience it, enjoy it. And thus far I haven't fucked it up so I guess I'm doing pretty good.

I have therapy on Thursday. I haven't seen M in 3 weeks so this will give me a chance to pick his brain. I really don't want to ruin this.

In other news, something I'm struggling with, is getting up in the morning and getting on the spin bike. It was my goal to do this while in treatment and I haven't been able to. Not even once. Which makes me feel horrible about myself and I'm worried that this is the little bit that will fuck everything up. Feels horrible about self = depression coming back. I don't know why I can't just get up in the morning. I don't know why I have to wait till the very last minute. I'm getting myself to the gym now but I need more. I need to lose weight. Not just for self esteem, but for health as well.

I'll get there I guess. I'm going to pick M's brain about this too.

That's all I got. Short post for today. But hey - happy.

Tuesday 8/6/19

I figured I should give an update, considering I'm 7 days into my TMS treatments.

So yeah. Seven days of TMS (I go 5 days a week, Mon - Fri, for 6 weeks, then 2 days a week for 3 weeks - 36 total treatments). And let me tell ya - it hurts. I should probably explain what happens. I go back into a small room that's nicely decorated and has a decent sized tv. In the middle is a reclining chair, pretty comfy actually. Behind the chair is a large piece of equipment - the magnet. I sit in the chair, leaned back and put in ear plugs. The nurse puts a custom fitted cap on me that has my measurements on it (it looks like a swim cap. Or jock strap. One of the two). The nurse positions a formable pillow around me to keep my head still and the large magnet is placed over my left frontal and temporal lobes. As of right now I'm pretty comfortable.

But then the magnetic pulses start. They come 3 pulses per second for about 6-7 seconds, then there's a pause of about 6-7 seconds before the next pulse starts. How does it feel? Tap on your head in the same spot as fast and as hard as you can. Not bad, right? Now imagine your fingers are metal and have needles coming out of the tips and you're tapping a bruise. That's what it feels like. Over and over again. Luckily, the treatment session only lasts for about 4 minutes. Any longer and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. It truly is uncomfortable. Hell, who am I kidding, it hurts.

And I have 7 sessions under my belt, 29 more to go. Oy vey. HOWEVER, I think it's already starting to work. Hubby stated I seemed to be talking more and I worked this past weekend and had good days. Days where I was able to talk with coworkers and feel genuine. Days where I was able to laugh and not be faking it. That's something pretty huge. And makes the pain worth it.

I have follow up throughout treatment with the doctors and classes I go to every Wednesday night. They're very thorough. This is in addition to following up with my own psychiatrist and therapist. It's safe to say that I have a lot of support.

Anyway, that's all that's new with me. TMS. Starting to feel better. But it's huge news. More to come as I continue on this journey.