Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Tuesday 4/23/24 Work Shit

 So. Remember last time I posted I talked about being charge nurse two days in a row? And how I was nervous and was hoping for good days? Well, they were decent days. Not crazy busy, had enough staff, nothing too weird going on. Which was good. I even had a nurse tell me I was a good charge nurse, which made me feel good. I'm charge again this Friday, so we'll see how it goes. We're going to be staffed pretty fluffy as my hospital is under investigation by the state right now. See, there were several deaths on our medical/surgical floor in a short period of time (we call these "sentinel events"). And people weren't happy about that. So we were under investigation and it was found we were lacking the proper equipment to monitor patients (which nurses had been pointing out and complaining about for years). Not to mention that we're perpetually short staffed. So, to appease the state, the hospital purchased the appropriate equipment and increased our workload without increasing staff. Excuse me, what?? Nurses have been over worked and understaffed for YEARS and you want to increase our workload with more stupid menial tasks that don't improve patient safety? Without extra staff? Sounds like a great plan. Good job.

Spoiler alert: It wasn't a good plan.

State came back to see how the hospital was doing in preventing these sentinel events and discovered that we were understaffed (gasp!). So now we're in jeopardy of being shut down unless the hospital remedies this problem. So now we're staffed super fluffy. I was off for 4 days and I came back to this: more staff than we need, not sending people home when we can, calling in our on call person even though we don't need them because now the hospital wants to staff appropriately. And here's the dumb thing: I work in a highly specialized area - the birth center. Nurses who work med/surg, ICU, oncology, dialysis, etc want NOTHING to do with the birth center. NO ONE wants ANYTHING to do with the birth center (or NICU). But, if the hospital doesn't think we have enough staff, they're sending us nurses from these other units to "help". It's not helpful. They can get vital signs on the moms, and, well, that's about it. They don't know how to take care of babies. They don't know how to labor and deliver a patient. They don't know. The other night we had an ICU nurse sitting at our front desk and opening the door for visitors (we're a locked unit). Seriously??? This is a good use of resources??

Managers are now expected to take 36 hours of call every 2 weeks (in addition to working their 40 hour work week), to help on the floor if it's needed. Our labor and delivery manager was sent to the ED on Sunday to "help" (about all she could do was fetch water for patients). This is just stupid and is NOT the answer. If you let us hire and train staff to work our unit, and then let us schedule them to actually work on the unit instead of limiting us severely like you have been doing, that would be helpful. 

I understand that running a hospital is a business. There's a bottom line. But these issues could have been prevented years ago with appropriate staffing. Nurses all over the country complain about unsafe staffing ratios. We've been complaining for years and years. But it takes people dying before anything is done about it. Which is truly sad. The people running the hospitals don't work on the floor. They don't know how it is. They don't get it. They're more concerned about lining their pockets than the welfare of the patients. This is not how it should be. The hospital touts that patient safety is a priority but they don't actually make it a priority until they're under investigation and under threat of being shut down.

Wow. I'll get off my soap box now. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.   

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Thursday 4/11/24 Biopsy

 Been a minute since I last posted. And nothing much is going on. I'm pretty damn boring. 

I had my biopsy done this past Tuesday and, well, it was pretty violent. No, seriously, it was. I was numbed up really well so I didn't feel anything but pressure. I had my head turned to the left as the biopsy was on the right side. Which means I could see the ultrasound. And I could see the needle being jammed in and out of my lymph node over and over again, just . . . repeatedly. Then the doc would take the needle out, pass it to a lab tech, and go back at it with a new needle. He did this for 4 needles. It looked so barbaric!! Thank GOD I was so numb!! My neck is so sore now. Luckily, I didn't bruise. My preliminary report came back with "normal morphology not consistent with lymphoma". So I'm guessing that's a good thing. I just have an enlarged lymph node for no good reason. I'm special like that. 

On the weight loss front, last night was my fourth injection, three weeks of tracking my weight loss, and I've lost 7 pounds. Just over 2 pounds a week. Not too shabby. I'm hoping this rate keeps up. I've had to find a happy medium between eating and feeling queasy. And also not feeling light headed. I don't really have an appetite and if I eat too much, or too frequently, I get queasy. But if I don't eat enough I feel weak and light headed. I haven't had much energy for exercise and, truth be told, I've felt pretty exhausted. The exhaustion may be a coincidence as I haven't been sleeping great for a few nights here and there, or maybe it's the decreased caloric intake. I'm not sure. Or a combo of the both, which seems pretty likely. 

I'm on my own as a charge nurse and I have no confidence in my abilities. Zero. I feel like an imposter. I'm sure as I do it more my confidence will build, but as of right now, I'm a fraud. I'm charge 2 days next week, like, literally throw me to the wolves. Hopefully I'll be fine. Hopefully they won't be shit days. I'm hoping I have time to build my confidence before I have a shit day. But you never can tell in nursing. 

Anyway, that's all really. Told you I was boring. 

Monday, March 25, 2024

Monday 3/25/24 Cold Again

 It's cold again here in Colorado. We had a big snow about a week, week and a half ago, then it got warm and it all melted. Well, now it's cold again. That's spring in Colorado though. I'm so ready for warmth and sunshine. I neeeeeeeed it!

Sooooo, what's been going on. Not a whole lot. I've had 2 days of charge nurse training (I have one more to go) and then I'm on my own. Work has been busy, annoyingly so. But that's job security I guess. I've worked every Sunday this month and I work Easter as well. Which is lame. Oh well. 

I had my physical a couple of weeks ago and two things happened: 1. my doc found a lump in my throat which she thought was a thyroid nodule. Had an ultrasound done and no, it's an enlarged lymph node. Which is apparently way too big, so I get to have it biposied. Fun times. And, 2. I started a weight loss medication. It's a once a week injectable (not Ozempic). I did my first injection last Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I was pretty nauseous, which is a common side effect of the medication. Which, of course, makes one not want to eat. After the nausea passed, however, I still don't want to eat. No appetite. And if I eat too much I get nauseous. And that, my friends, is how the medication works. You eat a whole lot less and don't really feel hungry. I decided to try the medication because I'm failing on my own at losing weight. I'm eating pretty healthy, a lot of whole foods, and working out and I'm either staying the same or actually gaining a pound or two. It's been frustrating. I'd like to lose anywhere from 40-60 pounds. I'm going to be weighing myself on Tuesdays and Fridays. Hopefully this helps. 

On a side note, in therapy we're working on my self-esteem/self-image and developing a healthy body image. My therapist isn't so sure that going on a weight loss drug is good for my self image. Because, what if it doesn't work? I'll blame myself, my self esteem will drop, I'll feel worse about myself, beat myself up, etc. I get where's she's coming from, I do. But, realistically, I need to lose weight. For my health, for my peace of mind, for my future mobility, for lots of reasons. So I'm taking the medication. And we'll go from there. I don't see her again for five and a half weeks or so and I'm hoping to have lost at least 10 pounds by then. That's 2 pounds a week - not so far fetched in my opinion. That's healthy weight loss. I'm going to keep eating healthy and working out, doing my part in the weight loss journey. Because I'm going to need to do that to keep off the weight after I stop the medication (I have 5 months of refills). 

So yeah. Hopefully I'll get used to the nausea (I've heard you do). I have ginger lozenges and tea to help me through it. And hopefully I'll lose weight. Fingers crossed. That's about all. Toodles! 

Friday, March 8, 2024

Friday 3/8/24 Charge Nurse

 Hi all! Two posts in one week, weird!

Just stopping by to say that I am officially the new relief charge nurse on my unit! Yep, I got the position (so the interview must have gone well!). I'll start my training in a week or two. 

Also, Ayden is 17 today! Happy birthday bud! He's at school (bummer) and heading to a friend's house after to spend the night with several friends. We're supplying pizza. 

That's it! Toodle loo!

Monday, March 4, 2024

Monday 3/4/24

 Been a minute again since I last wrote. I haven't been doing all that much. At least anything exciting. I've been reading and enjoying the mild weather here, working, and doing yoga. I have my interview for the charge nurse position this Wednesday. I'm a little nervous, but this afternoon I'm going to "practice" answering questions to prepare myself. I'm sure I'll do fine. Everyone else seems to think I will. 

The only other big news is that my son is turning 17 on Friday. Holy crap!! Seventeen! Where does the time go? He's spending the night at a friend's house on Friday, I don't know what else he wants to do. His girlfriend was supposed to be down this weekend to see him (she lives in Montrose - about 4 hours from us) but I guess she's coming the following week instead. So we'll have to come up with something to do for him. 

I've hit a dry spell art wise, haven't really drawn anything for the past couple of weeks except for a tattoo concept that I want to get on the side of my left forearm. It's a unalome with a lotus flower.


 I need to work a couple overtime shifts to earn some extra money so I can convince hubby to let me get another tattoo. We'll see when that happens. But yeah - that's the only thing I've drawn for quite a while. I was hoping inspiration would hit me today but so far I got nothing. Boooooo. Guess I'll scroll Pinterest looking for ideas. 

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish me luck on my interview!

Thursday, February 22, 2024

Thursday 2/22/24

It's been a bit since I last wrote. At least it feels that way. 

Anyway, I'm happy to say that I've been working out consistently for the past 2-3 weeks. Go me! It feels so good! And I'm back to doing yoga which I really, truly LOVE. I'm not the best at it, not terribly graceful, but that's okay. I'll get there in time with practice. It just feels so good to move my body. I do yoga with Adriene (she's on youtube) and am also using the Asana Rebel app. The Asana Rebel app kicks my ass, in the best way possible. I know it's making me stronger. 

I'm also really itching to get a new tattoo. I have ideas for 2 tats I want, that can probably be done in the same session (they are smol). I just need to convince hubby that I need them. Wish me luck there :D

I "applied" to be a charge nurse at work again. I did it many years ago and then stepped down because of my mental health. I've been doing so much better for a while now so I think it's time to do it again. We'll see. I have to actually interview for it and I haven't done an interview since I started working at the birth center 16 years ago. So that's nerve wracking. Everyone is telling me I'll do fine. I'm not so sure. I should find out next week when the interview is. Wish me luck on that as well. 

Friday, February 9, 2024

Friday 2/9/24 Nothing special

 So I felt like writing, but I don't have much to say. I actually feel a little down today. There are reasons for this. I'm on call this afternoon and most likely I'll be going in to work. Bummer. I managed to hurt my back somehow (I have no idea how) and didn't work out today because of that (I can barely bend over). I've taken ibuprofen, had a hot shower, stretched, and am going to sit in our massage chair . . . but nothing is helping thus far. And it's snowing. Again. I'm tired of the snow. I want sunshine and warmth. We've had some nice days here and there and I've taken advantage of them by going on walks and sitting on the deck. The snow just kind of brings my mood down. It's pretty, but I want the sun. 

Wow, I guess I really don't have anything else to say. Life is boring right now. I go to work and relax on my days off. I'm tired of work and would love some time off, but I'm trying to save up my PTO. We're hoping to go to Japan again in 1-2 years, and, well, I'm going to need PTO to do that. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. Okay bye!

Tuesday, January 30, 2024

Tuesday 1/30/24 This is Nice

 Been a minute since I last wrote. I've been enjoying my time with no school work. It's so nice. I have time to draw and paint and read, to work out and nap, to relax. It's just so freaking nice. Guess I didn't realize how much I need those things in my life until I couldn't do them anymore. 

Last post I mentioned that I had homework for therapy. So I did 3 self portraits. I'm pleased with how they turned out. I need to scan them into the computer and maybe I'll share them here. We'll see. But I got them done, I've painted dragons (2024 is the year of the dragon), and today I'm painting koi fish. I'm also going to spend the afternoon sitting on the deck and reading (it's supposed to be 60 degrees here today). I've read 2 books over the past week and a half, Wabi Sabi and Ikigai (both books on living imperfectly and finding meaning in your life based on Japanese principles). The book I'm currently reading is on Buddhism and I ordered another book on Buddhism to read after this one. They all have been good reads, interesting and calming. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself.

Also I've been working out consistently these past 2 weeks. Three days a week. A good start. I'm proud of myself for that. And it feels good to be doing it as well, an added bonus. And I started a program called Golo. It's a lifestyle changing, weight loss program. I'll be eating more whole foods and less junk/processed foods. Which - lets be honest - we all should be doing this anyway. They have a supplement to take as well that is supposed to help with cravings and help balance blood sugar and insulin levels. I'm optimistic. Mainly because I'll be eating healthier, which will be good for my anyway. Hopefully eating cleaner and working out will help me drop some weight and be overall healthier (I know it will). I have to work on binge eating junk at work - especially on busy/stressful days. I tend to go overboard there. If there's junk out, I'll eat it. I've been doing hypnosis to help with this and I've been doing better. Go me. 

Work has been work. Yesterday was slow as hell and was the longest day ever. Tomorrow will be a shit show because the doctors decided it was a good idea to schedule EVERYTHING for the week on one day. Fucking stupid. But I'll get through. I'd love to have a week off with no work. Not necessarily to do anything, but just to not have to go to work. That would be nice. 

That's what's been up. Nothing exciting. Moods have been steady, no ups or downs, just an even keel. Which is also nice. 

Toodle loo!

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

Tuesday 1/16/24 No More School!

 School is done!! I ended up with a 95% in the class because I kind of bombed the final (got a 72% on that - every question had 2 right answers and I had to pick which one was most right, ugh). But hey - a 95% is damn good for struggling as much as I did, doubting myself as much as I did, and it being my first class in over 17 years. Go me! It's so nice to be done. Like, really nice. 

Anyway, I had therapy today and we're going to start working on my self esteem. Cause I kinda don't like myself all that much. I mean, I do, at times, but I'm really insecure, especially with how I look. Let's be honest - I could stand to lose some weight. Not just for looks - for health. On that thread, I'm starting working out again. And it's made me realize just how out of shape I am. I mean, wow. So I've got that to work on. And Becky gave me homework for our next session - to paint how I feel about myself. I have some ideas floating around . . . we'll see what I come up with. 

So yeah, that's about it. Another short post. That's okay. Maybe next week I'll have more to say. 

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Wednesday 1/10/24 Almost Done

 Well, I'm almost done with my first (and only) class. I have my final to take, which I plan on taking on Friday this week. And then, my friends, I am done. And let me tell you, I am soooooo looking forward to not doing school work every day I have off (and sometimes on days when I'm at work). I'm so burned out after just one class it's ridiculous. School anymore just isn't for me and now I know that. It kinda sucks, because I'm doing well (I have a 97% in the class) but I just can't do it. I've been completely miserable. But with an end in sight I feel free, I feel hopeful, I feel better. I'm glad I tried and found out. And I'm glad I found out early instead of 3-4 classes in and spending all that money (the master's program is NOT cheap). Am I a little bummed? Yeah, of course I am. But I think this is for the better. I wouldn't be able to handle 3 years of intense, back-to-back classes with no break whatsoever. I'm doing the right thing and I'm okay with it. And I'm lucky in that so far everyone is supporting me in my decision. No one is giving me a hard time except for myself. Which is good. Because I was worried about letting people down or people thinking less of me. An unfounded worry, I suppose.

There isn't much of anything else going on. I've been so focused on school that I have nothing new to report. I started reading a new book the other night - one just for fun (not my dumb textbook). It's nice to be able to just read for fun. I've missed it. 

That's all for now. Short and sweet, unlike me. ;)

Thursday, January 4, 2024

Thursday 1/4/24 New Year

 Welp. It's 2024. Pretty crazy. I worked new year's eve day, which was fine. Even got off a little early (5:45pm), which was nice. I was in bed by 9:30 I think and then woken up by neighborhood fireworks at midnight. So, technically I rang in the new year awake ;) 

Monday and Tuesday was homework all day. Tuesday night we (hubby, son, and myself) met up with my stepmom, her hubby, and my stepsister and her family for dinner. Then on to Cripple Creek for the Ice Castles, which was crazy cold and pretty nifty (it was around 20 degrees F). It was nice to see everyone and hang out, even though it was freezing cold. Yesterday was work and today has been reading the last few chapters in my textbook. Which I am now done with. Yes, done. Over 1500 pages in my gigantic, 10lb textbook read over the past 7 weeks. Holy crap. That's a lot of reading. Next week is my last week of class. I have 2 discussion questions (and 4 replies) and my final exam to do and I'm officially done. 

I thought I'd feel more like a failure for taking one class and giving up. I thought I'd be beating myself up more. But maybe there's too much relief in being done. I've really, truly been struggling mentally and emotionally with school (not that you'd be able to tell from the outside - I'm good at hiding it). And who knows, maybe I'm finally mature enough emotionally to not need to beat myself up. Thanks, therapy. I still feel guilty. Because of the money we've spent. New desk, laptop, printer/scanner, accessories, textbook, the cost of the class . . . that's a lot of money that I feel like I'm throwing away. That I didn't deserve to have spent on me. Okay, maybe I'm beating myself up a little bit. I can't help it - it's in my nature. 

In other news, I've been working out. Not every day, not yet. But 3 days this past week, and I'm proud of myself for that (keep in mind I haven't worked out for the past 4 months). So 3 days consistently is big for me. I'm trying to get back into the groove of working out. Getting strong, increasing endurance. I need to, desperately. My goal is to do yoga on the mornings I work and lift weights/cardio on my days off. I need to build up to that though because I'm so freaking out of shape. I'll get there.

My eating is slowly getting better as well. Not as much binging on junk, which is huge. I've been doing hypnosis sessions (recorded, online) and I think it's helping. Finally. Because the binging was getting out of control. But now, not so much. 

Anyway, there's not much else going on. I'm quitting school, trying to get in shape, and getting back to making artwork (maybe there's some paper mache in the future). We'll see.