Thursday 9/30/21 Tired

 Well, another week has gone by and not much of anything is going on. Except work and laundry, the two constants. 

Work is still busy. Annoyingly so. But on the rare days we're not super busy, we're being floated to other units. Which sucks. Mostly we're being used as sitters, meaning we're sitting in a patient's room for the full 12 hour shift basically staring at them and charting what they're doing every 15 minutes. Being a sitter is horrifically boring and awkward. 

In other news, I'm sick of this pandemic. I know, I know, everyone is. But it's especially hard being a healthcare worker. I'm so burnt out it's not even funny. And I have it pretty cushy on my unit - we only have about one covid patient a week (whereas other units have over half of their patients with covid). But yet, I'm burnt out and sick of the pandemic. I'm sick of hearing about it constantly. I'm sick of all of the arguing and finger pointing. I'm sick of vaccine mandates (I believe in body autonomy). I'm sick of it all. 

I'm also tired. All. The. Time. Tired. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I'm tired. And being so tired is severely hampering my motivation to get stuff done. Should I do the dishes or nap? Sew or nap? Paint or nap? Often, napping wins. Especially after lunch - I get so groggy and sleepy after lunch. No matter what I eat. Healthy or junk, I'm sleepy. 

I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I lapsed at first when I had my tooth pulled because ANY physical activity - even going up the stairs at home - made the whole left side of my face throb in pain. But then when it got better, I just continued not going. I haven't gained any weight thank goodness, but I feel gross. 

For the past month, too, I've been feeling like I'm getting sick. The slightest bit of malaise. Slight sore throat, slight headache. And a cough that comes and goes. I'm sure I wrote about this in a previous post. I'm still dealing with it. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so freaking tired. 

Anyway, I painted today - 3 foxes - and did laundry and the dishes. So I guess I feel accomplished. And I'm blogging (not that this takes much brain power or physical ability). But at least I'm not napping, even though I desperately want to. 

The weather is cooler today, only around 50 degrees. Overcast and chilly. The leaves are changing and I'm hoping to go to the mountains on Saturday to see the aspens. A nice mountain drive. Clear my head. Get away, even if only for a day. 

Wednesday 9/22/21 Birthday . . .

 My birthday is coming up. It's Saturday. I'll be 43. Craziness. I know I'm going out to dinner with my step mom, but other than that, I don't know. Probably not much of anything. Which is okay - I don't really need or want to do anything. Just eat and have a mojito or two. 

I work the next two days and I don't want to. Like, I really don't want to. Mainly because we've been floating nurses this week to other floors. Which, let's be honest, I hate. We all do. I feel worthless on other units. I'm not supposed to enter Covid rooms (which over half the rooms are Covid patients), not supposed to pass meds, just supposed to be helping hands or a sitter. So I can do vitals, pass trays, make beds . . . or sit in a room with a patient and chart what they're doing every 15 minutes. Joy. It fucking sucks. I think I'm safe Friday because I'm nursery that day, but tomorrow I'm scheduled for mom/baby. So if we're not busy I could be floated. It just makes for a wretched day. I know I should have a more positive attitude about it - that would go a long way in helping - but it's just hard to. I'm already burnt out, and working on another unit just compounds that. 

It also doesn't help that I'm in a piss poor mood today. Cranky, bitter, down, annoyed with everything . . . I don't think I'm very pleasant to be around today. I got stuff done - laundry, sewing, drawing, organized my studio quite a bit. I even took a short nap. But all of that hasn't helped my mood. I don't want to start a downward spiral because of my poor attitude. It truly can easily happen. I know part of it is thinking about work tomorrow. Part of it is my sewing machine snagging several times and poking myself with a needle. Part of it is because I woke up like this. And part of it is because for the last 3 weeks I've felt like I'm coming down with a cold. I don't ever get sick - I just have the ever-so-slightest feeling of malaise. A barely there headache. My neck is perpetually sore. I don't know what it is. Maybe I have the world's most mild case of Covid. Who knows. But it certainly puts a damper on my mood. Makes me want to nap. Not be productive. And annoys the hell out of me. 

Man this blog post is whiney. I hate when I'm like this. I don't want to cook tonight either. I want Burger King. Junk. I don't care right now. 

Anyway, happy birthday (early) to me. 

Friday 9/17/21

 Well, another week has gone by and there's nothing really exciting going on. Like, nothing exciting. Work and work and more work. And some time drawing and painting and sewing. There's a toy con in December that I'm thinking about getting a booth at so I need to have product for that, right? So that means I've got to stay busy on my days off drawing and painting and sewing. I really could have used a nap today but I didn't. I did 5 paintings and sewed two little owls instead. Which makes 7 owls I've made. Although I sold 2 of them so now I only have 5. They're cute little things. But anyway . . .

I still feel burnt out at work. It's just so stupidly busy. I already need another break. I have around 240 PTO hours so I can certainly afford to take one. But I neglected to do so on the next schedule so I'm shit out of luck for awhile. The holidays are coming up and everyone has requested time off so I'll be hard pressed to get something. Maybe I'll do what I did in August and take a day off here and there so I have a longer span of time off. We'll see. I need to though. 

My birthday is next Saturday. I want to get another tattoo for it (if you saw last week's post you know what I'm leaning towards). I just have to convince hubby to let me get it sooner rather than later. 

Ugh. That's it I guess. Nothing else going on.

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.