Wednesday 12/29/21 Again With The Coffee!

 It's morning. I'm drinking my coffee and wondering what the heck I should write about. How I'm doing - of course - that's a given. But what else? There's nothing exciting going on in my life. Rather, I'm just floating along, trying desperately to keep my head above the turbulent waters. 

The days that I work are becoming more and more difficult. I'm having a really hard time interacting and keeping up the façade that everything is okay. It's been stupidly busy and I manage to work all my shifts and not get called off (I'd like to get called off here and there). I thought about calling in sick this upcoming Friday but it's New Year's Eve and I would feel like an asshole doing that. If it was a regular Friday I would. I hate being at work and feeling so awful. I want to be alone, I don't want to interact. But then people start asking questions as to why I'm so quiet. Not everyone needs to know I'm depressed. 

I'm feeling more and more empty. More and more flat and withdrawn and down and distant. More and more like a hollow shell of who I'm supposed to be. I hate it. I don't want to be back to this but here we are. The only upside to this is that I still don't have an appetite so I'm losing weight. And I've been able to work out consistently. But I'd much rather feel like myself and not be depressed. 

Early Monday morning, like, 0400, I had a hallucination. The first hallucination I've had in years. I was wide awake in bed and rolled over as I was going to get up to use the bathroom. There was a dark figure standing next to me with its arm outstretched over me. It startled me, to say the least. It dissipated, which is when I realized that I was hallucinating. Hubby thought that maybe I was dreaming, but no, I was quite awake when it happened. And it wasn't a shadow - it was solid. So yeah. A hallucination after several years of being free from them. I haven't had one since, for which I am grateful. Hopefully I won't have any more.  

Tuesday 12/21/21 Sipping Coffee

 It's kind of early. At least for me. It's 9am and I've already had my protein shake, got on the spin bike, showered etc, and now I'm sitting here sipping my coffee. Normally I'd just be on the spin bike right now and would still need to shower etc. But I was up early because a friend is supposed to be stopping by as well as my mom this morning. So I wanted to be ready. And ready I am. I guess. 

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I worked, on the floor, and my assignment was busy. I had a patient with blood pressure issues, a patient who's baby had blood sugar issues, and a patient who was a very needy bitch (in her defense she has borderline personality disorder). And shit hit the fan with all three of them right after report. It was a very busy day for me. And my mood was trash. I was very down, flat, withdrawn. I tried to connect with my patients and coworkers but everything was fake and forced. It was a long day. My saving grace was that I got to leave early - at 5:30 instead of 7. I'll take it. I just felt pretty rotten yesterday. And then knowing I work tomorrow, am on call all day on Thursday, and then work Saturday and Sunday (yep, I work Christmas day), is enough to make me shrivel up. 

I haven't been creative since my two paintings last week. And I don't feel like being creative. I don't feel like doing anything. Now that I have "extra" time today, I don't know what to do with myself. I'll probably nap today cause I don't know what else to do. That, and I slept like crap again last night. I've slept like crap the past few nights, which I'm sure doesn't help my mood. 

I still have no appetite. I'm still primarily having protein shakes for breakfast and lunch. And then kind of forcing myself to eat dinner. I haven't had sweets in a while. Yesterday at work there were all kinds of chocolates - truffles, chocolate covered pretzels (which I love), caramels . . . so much junk. None of it looked appetizing. I didn't touch a thing. I'm averaging a 600-700 calorie deficit every day. Sometimes more. I just don't want to eat. 

Anyway, that's all I've got right now. 

Thursday 12/16/21 I Was Creative . . . Kind Of

 A second post this week. Weird. 

Yesterday I was a little creative. I was on my spin bike, listening to music, when I had an idea for a painting. So after I finished working out and showered, I actually painted something. This is a huge accomplishment since I haven't done anything creative in almost 2 months. And it felt good to paint again. Even if it was only something simple. 

Here's what I painted:

It's called "Dark Clouds". It's 5X7, watercolor and ink. It's kind of a personal piece. Dark clouds breed dark thoughts, and while my thoughts haven't been too dark, they are there, lurking. It was a quick painting and I like how it turned out. 

I also painted this yesterday:

Because depression lies. And for me - someone who's been depressed most of their life - there's a sense of familiarity and almost . . . comfort, in being depressed again. It's a sick sort of comfort, one that is all together unwell. But see, depression lies. Depression is lying to me, telling me that this is my natural state. This is untrue. My year and a half of stability are my natural state. But depression is there, whispering lies in my ear, trying to get me to give in. I truly am doing everything in my power to fight this depressive episode. But those lies are tempting at times. At times it seems easier to give in than fight. Fighting takes a lot of energy and I'm so very tired. 

But I will continue fighting. I'm strong and I'm stubborn and I will prevail. Even if it's eventually.  

Monday 12/13/21 It's Monday

 It's Monday, the start of a new week. Ain't that grand?

Yeah, whatever.

Although my mood isn't complete shit today, which is nice. To be honest, my mood hasn't been complete shit for a few days, maybe 4 or 5. I haven't broken down, my anger has been a little less intense, and I don't completely hate life and myself. Maybe that's an improvement. Fingers crossed.

I am, however, flat and empty and withdrawn. This has been my steadfast state for the past month and a half (peppered with some shitty days of sobbing and feeling dark). This anhedonia is really and truly unpleasant. It's the slow erosion of self. Because I don't feel. I'm just floating along, going through the motions of life, trying to appear normal. Trying to interact. Trying to accomplish things. And mostly failing. Although I think I've perfected my fake laugh. Not that that's a real plus. 

I worked yesterday and two people I adore were working as well. Good friends I've known for a long time. So I figured work would be better. I don't know if it helped or not. Fake laugh, fake smile (which you can't see because we wear masks, of course), and fake interactions. People are noticing that I'm more quiet. A few have mentioned it. I brush it off as being tired. I have to lie to stay afloat. I don't want people to know that I'm struggling. So I smile and laugh all the while feeling dead inside.

 I did open up to my friend Tracy. I've known her for over 20 years. Told her how I was feeling and she offered support, which is nice. I hate sharing how I'm feeling with my good friends because I don't want to be a burden. I feel like I've failed them because I'm depressed again. I didn't really get a chance to talk with Beth, my other friend who was working yesterday. It was a pretty busy day and we never had time. She knows a little bit, just not everything. 

Like my eating. Which I'm really not. I have no appetite. At all. Nothing sounds good, everything seems like too much work, and I don't feel like eating. Now don't get me wrong - I get hungry. Physically hungry. I just don't want to eat anything. I force myself to, but I'm not eating much. Not as much as I should be. I lost four pounds in three days. I haven't weighed myself again to see if I've lost more. And somehow this isn't concerning to me. To be honest, I'm almost embracing it. Normally when I get depressed I eat comfort food, junk food, chocolate. I easily gain weight. And now I'm losing. So yeah, it may not be healthy but I'm embracing this. I know Tracy was worried about it, I'm sure hubby Jeremy is worried about it. I have a feeling my therapist is worried about it . . . but I'm not. 

I had a protein shake for breakfast - a whopping 110 calories. I'll probably have one for lunch. For dinner I'm making chicken fettuccini alfredo (we'll see how much of that I eat). I plan on going to the gym this afternoon to lift weights so I'll probably force myself to eat a protein bar beforehand. And I did the spin bike for 20 minutes this morning. Maybe not so healthy. Maybe this will become a problem. I don't know. But I'm not worried about it. 

I'm going to try not to nap today. This whole week actually. I've been spending so much time napping it's ridiculous. It's my escape from not feeling. I'm going to read instead. Maybe that's not the most productive use of my time, but if it keeps me awake . . . Because I have no motivation to do anything creative. Not draw or paint or sew. Reading is about all I can do. And even then I struggle. My mind wanders, I find it hard to concentrate. But I'm going to try.

In other news, I did my first confession on Saturday morning. I made an appointment with Fr Baron, our priest, so he could walk me through the process. I was nervous going in but I had no need to be. Fr Baron is so easy to talk to and nice and genuine and it was a very positive experience. I don't know why I waited so long! So now I have that under my belt. Go me!

That's it for today. That's all I got.  

Thursday 12/9/21 Therapy

 I had therapy this morning. My first therapy appointment in like a year. Crazy. It felt good. It felt like home. And I did my best to not feel like a failure, even though I do. 

But anyway, my therapist gave me homework to do. To write a letter to my depression. This was a harder task than I thought it would be. And I'm not sure why. The first letter I wrote was angry and jumped around and didn't really sound like me. Not a me I want to be, anyways. So I wrote another one. One that was more calm and matter of fact. And I felt better after writing it (whereas I felt very much not good after the first letter). Which is weird to me. Kind of. 

My therapist wants to see me back a few times to support me through this depressive episode. We might not glean much new insight, but I can use all the support I can get. Besides, it was good to see him. He's been a big part of my life the past 9 or 10 years and I was glad to see him again. 

My appetite is suffering. I don't really feel like eating anything. Nothing sounds good. Everything seems like too much work. I pick at my food. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm hungry. I'm just not really eating. Maybe I'll lose some weight. See? Positive spin. 

That's all I have for today. Nothing exciting, just a quick little blurb.  

Tuesday 12/7/21 Shit's Getting Real

 Why is shit getting real? Well, yesterday I texted my therapist and made an appointment with him. I haven't seen him in about a year because I had been doing so well. And now . . . I'm not. Luckily he had an opening this Thursday - I was thinking I might have to wait a couple of weeks. So glad I don't have to. 

You may be thinking, "why is it such a big deal that you made an appointment with your therapist?? You saw him consistently for over 8 years!!" And yeah, you're right. Why is it such a big deal? Mainly because I feel like a failure now. Because I can't do this on my own. I need help. I was so proud of myself for doing so well, stopping therapy, going off of Lithium, going back to working full time . . . and now? Now I need help again. I need to see my therapist again. I had to increase the dose of my Wellbutrin. And it makes me feel like a failure which doesn't help the depression at all. 

I worked yesterday, on mom/baby, and it was busy. But the day dragged on and on and on. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it through the shift because I felt so low. Well, low isn't necessarily the right word. Anhedonic is. I was so flat and withdrawn and unfeeling that it physically hurt. All I wanted to do was curl into a ball and not exist. I tried interacting with coworkers. I tried really hard with my patients to engage and joke and laugh . . . but everything fell flat. Everything was fake. I often just stared off into space. My bestie was charge nurse yesterday and I could hardly even say anything to her. There was nothing to say. I was so withdrawn I couldn't come up with any conversation starters. The anhedonia is awful. To feel nothing. I couldn't even feel anger or sadness . . . it's just . . . nothing. I didn't care about anything. I don't care. It's like I'm incapable of having feelings right now. And I don't know how to describe how horrible that is. To not feel.

Today I'm feeling more of the same. Flat, empty, withdrawn. I made a list of things I wanted to get done today. Little things. Things that would be easy to check off. I got on my spin bike for 15 minutes, hoping the endorphins of working out would help. It didn't. I showered and shaved my legs. I cut and filed my nails. I started a load of laundry. I still have to go to the post office - and I will - but later. Little things to get done to try and help my mood. I even put on makeup because I was hoping I'd feel better about myself. I don't. And as I'm typing all of this out, reading through it, it should make me feel sad. Or at least feel something. But I'm too empty. There's nothing there. 

I'm considering calling in sick tomorrow. I don't want to leave my coworkers high and dry, but I don't want a repeat of yesterday. We're already short at least one person tomorrow so if I call in sick we'll be really short. Ugh. What to do. I'm sure I'll end up working because of the guilt of calling in sick. That guilt will just make everything worse. And who knows - maybe having to interact with people will help. I doubt it, but we'll see. 

I really hate bipolar disorder. I'd kick it in the junk if I could. 

Friday 12/3/21

 Well hello again. It's December. Which is pretty crazy. What's even more crazy is that we've had no snow here in Colorado Springs yet. I mean, we've had some flurries, but no real snow. Which is just weird. I don't mind not scraping off my truck every morning, but damn! We could use the moisture!

Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we are indeed going up on my Wellbutrin dose. From 150mg to 300mg. I'm hoping this helps as I've been doing everything else in my power to fight this stupid depression and it's just not enough. I was hoping it was the new supplement I was trying but after being off of it for a week I feel no difference. I'm going to stay off of it for now though, just in case.

Last night I was supposed to go to bible study. I did not, however, go. My mood was pretty crappy and putting on a mask for everyone didn't sound like a whole lotta fun. I messaged L, the gal who puts it on, and told her the truth as to why I wasn't going. I don't know her too well, so opening up about being bipolar and depressed was a little nerve wracking. I was met with empathy and prayers though. I still feel awful about not going, like I'm flaking out or something. Like I'm not reliable. Which, honestly, right now I'm not. 

I haven't done anything creative in a month. I have no motivation or inspiration. Mainly motivation - I can do art even when I'm not inspired. But no drawing, painting, or sewing. It's pretty sad. I've always loved spending time in my office and now I just don't want to. Which really sucks because art is such a good outlet for me. I go down there and just sit and stare off into space. I look at my unfinished projects and feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I can do anything. And it sucks. I want to create and I can't right now. 

In other news, I've decided to let my hair grow out a little. Not a lot - I don't want long hair - but a little. Right now I have kind of a shaggy pixie cut and I'm thinking a short, messy bob. It's going to take a while to grow out. It might take a year or more to get it where I want it. This is very daunting. I've grown out pixie cuts before and there's all these awkward stages in between. But I'm determined to grow it a bit and not cut it again because it's awkward and annoying. We'll see how this goes. 

Monday 11/29/21 It's Almost December

 It's crazy but true - it's almost December. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving last week. Mine was . . . it was okay, I guess. We went up to hubby's aunt's house in Denver. There were lots of people and lots of good food. It's just that I was overwhelmed and depressed so . . . yeah. 

Feeling down seems to be the new norm for me. I'm hoping to change this, go back to feeling good, feeling like myself. I have a theory that I'm testing out: about a month and a half ago I started taking a new supplement called Female Factor. It's supposed to help with perimenopause and menopause symptoms. And I've been feeling down for about a month. I started wondering if maybe something in this supplement is causing it. I've had reactions to supplements before. So I've stopped taking it. Today is my third day without it. I haven't noticed anything so far. What a wonderful and simple fix it would be if the supplement were the problem! I'm giving it time, so we'll see.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday this week. I'll have to give him the bad news of how I've been feeling. And I'm going to talk to him about going up on my Wellbutrin. Back up to 300mg. I don't want to have to, but if the supplement thing isn't the problem then I'll probably need to increase my dose, see if that helps. It's about the only thing we can do. There really isn't anything else out there for me to try. I've literally done it all. Well, I guess that's not true - I haven't tried ketamine. That's the only thing I haven't tried. And I really don't want to. 

Otherwise, I'm doing everything I can to overcome this. I've been going over my notes from the mental and emotional mastery course I did, I've been reading articles and watching videos from the Depression Project (which is a series of online "classes" designed to help you overcome depression). I'm doing a daily journal that is designed to help you think more positively. I'm doing everything in my power to beat this. To not let it get me down. Like this morning - instead of laying back down in bed (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed and got on the spin bike. I plan on going to the gym this afternoon. I'm doing everything I know how to do. Which is why feeling down right now is so frustrating. I'm fighting it tooth and nail and I'm still not feeling right. I'm at a loss. I don't know what else to do. 

In other news, we haven't put up our Christmas tree yet. I'll be honest - I don't really want to. We have to put it up downstairs as there's not enough room for it upstairs. So it's not like we'll enjoy it that much. I'd rather get a small tree (like 2-3 ft tall) and put it on the coffee table. But then, of course, it would block the TV probably. So that doesn't really work either. Maybe on the side table by the railing . . . we could move some stuff around and put it there. I just think that if we're going to put a tree up it should be in a location where we can enjoy it. 

Anyway, I'll stop rambling on for now. 

Monday 11/22/21 Loss

 So my grandpa died this past Saturday and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. That's a weird statement, isn't it? I don't know how I feel about it? But it's true. I'm kind of just numb. And, if I'm honest, I've been trying not to think about it. I've been ignoring it. Which may also be weird. I don't know. 

My grandpa was a cantankerous old fart and a bit of a jerk at times. Like, a big jerk. He was controlling over my grandma and mom, the first to point out flaws (whether they were real or imagined), and often put people down on the regular. He was, however, a generous man, loved me and his great grandson (my son), was always proud of me and pushed me to do my best. Even though he could seem cold on the exterior, he loved deeply. 

I haven't cried. I don't know if I will. Which, in my current mental and emotional state, is a bit strange. Part of me is relieved at his passing - he was very ill and had no quality of life. Part of me is sad, as I know I will miss him. And part of me is almost indifferent (maybe this is the part of me that saw how he often treated people, I don't know). Or maybe I'm indifferent because it doesn't seem real yet. Like if I call he's still going to answer the phone. 

There probably won't be a funeral - he donated his body to science. I don't know if my grandma wants to have a service of any kind. So as of now there's no real closure. He's just . . . gone. My grandma really needs to go into assisted living, but she doesn't want to. She says she loves her house and wants to die there. She's 94 and in pretty good health so she may have several years left. But she doesn't know how to do things herself - my grandpa took care of everything. Assisted living would be the safest, most practical approach. We'll see I guess. Ultimately it's her choice. 

I was supposed to be on call today, but I called work last night and had them take me off. I don't quite feel up to being around people and functioning. I was supposed to go to a birthday party Saturday night, but I didn't go for the same reason I'm no longer on call today. I work Wednesday, Friday and Saturday this week, and I'll be there, hopefully in better spirits. I just couldn't risk being there today. 

So anyway, that's my news today. Thursday is Thanksgiving which is just crazy. Time is going by so quickly. We'll be going to hubby's aunt's house in Denver to celebrate. I hope you all have a good holiday.

Wednesday 11/17/21 Yep, again

 Yeah, I'm writing again. A second day this week. All because I'm struggling. Still. It's annoying and it sucks and it's stupid. I'm over it. 

I worked yesterday on the floor (post-partum). My morning was pretty steady, my evening was crazy busy. And in between? Chill. Which was a problem. Why? Because I had time to be with my thoughts. Which are ugly. I was definitely down yesterday. And I had no one to really talk to. Surface conversations sure, but not anything meaningful. Not anything helpful. I was flat and withdrawn and stayed to myself most of the day. I tried to open up and talk, I really did, but it was so hard. It was easier to pull away. Easier to lie.  Because opening up about not feeling like myself means admitting that I'm not doing good. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me feel weak. If I were going through a loss or some great turmoil then how I feel would make sense to people, right? But just feeling depressed? For no reason? Yeah. I hate trying to explain that. So I stayed quiet. Silently suffering. 

And today. Today I feel like I need to cry. I just can't seem to let the tears flow. I'm tearing up writing this but I can't cry. It's not coming. I keep thinking I would feel relief if I could let it out, but nothing is coming. And my anger today. I'm so irritable. At everything. It's not a good feeling. I have no motivation. It took everything I had just to shower and shave my legs. But shower and shave my legs I did. But barely any makeup. Enough so that it doesn't look like I didn't try. And my hair. Well, I blow dried it but didn't use any product. At all. I couldn't be bothered. I don't care. I don't fucking care. I want to sleep the day away. Escape my mind. 

I'm not going to though. 

No, I'm going to read. I downloaded a new book on overcoming depression. I'm going to start reading it today. Maybe it'll have some new tidbits in it. Maybe it'll help reinforce what I already know. I'm hoping for both. 

I've lost my train of thought though - while writing the above small paragraph I had to go pick up my son from school as he's sick. So I'm going to end here.

Monday 11/15/21 Look, it's Monday

 Well it's Monday. A new week. A new start. A new day. 

I'm off today, having worked the last 3 days (and of course I work tomorrow). I haven't done anything today except start laundry. I plan on doing the dishes as well, but I don't know if much else will get accomplished. I've been doing a lot of sitting and staring off into space. I have no motivation. Surprise! That's the story of my life right now. No motivation. Feeling down. Accomplishing nothing. 

I'm over it.

But I don't know what to do about it. I really don't. I'm trying, I really am. And I'm failing. Everything that I did in my mental and emotional mastery program . . . it's not helping. Thinking positively . . . not helping. Trying to change habits . . . not helping. Forcing myself to do things . . . not helping. Praying . . . not helping. I'm at my wits end. 

I'm supposed to see my psychiatrist in December. Maybe I should see him sooner. Maybe I should go back up on my Wellbutrin (I'm on 150mg - I used to be on 300mg). Maybe I should see my therapist. Maybe I should do all of this. And continue doing everything else. Throw everything I can at this. I'm tenacious. I'm not giving up. And I'm not going back to being depressed. I'm not. It's not an option. 

The past 4 days I've been a lifeline for a friend who's going through a rough patch. A really rough patch. She reached out to me and I've been trying to help her. Giving her words of encouragement, pulling her back from the ledge. She asked me about my sparrows and I sketched one for her which she got tattooed on her yesterday. She had a ketamine infusion today and is starting to feel a little bit better. Her trials remind me of what I've gone through in the past. And what I could potentially go through again. It scares me. I'm so glad I can be there for her though. It helps to have someone who understands. 

Today I'm down and flat. I just want to sleep. Take a nap until hubby gets home and we go to the gym. Because yeah, I'm forcing myself to go to the gym. I have to. I'll feel worse if I don't go. I'm trying to eat healthy again and count my macros. I'm trying to make working out a habit. I'm trying. 

Anyway, here's my friend's little sparrow:

Sparrows are a symbol of hope for me. I have a few tattooed on me, too. Hopefully this little sparrow can help guide my friend out of the dark. 

Thursday 11/11/21 Ugh

 I'm really getting sick of my lack of motivation. Today is my 4th day off in a row (lucky me, right?) and I haven't accomplished anything! I made a sock rat yesterday and did laundry. Woohoo. Go me. Otherwise I've done nothing. It's frustrating. I need to suck it up and force myself to do stuff but it seems I just can't. I go downstairs to my office and sit and stare and do nothing. I have no inspiration for artwork and I can't bring myself to sew. I have a sink full of dirty dishes that sits there, mocking me. I need to dust and clean the bathrooms. But I don't. I have a drawing of a fox I need to paint. But I don't. I have the pattern pieces cut out for a soul sucker, I just need to sew it. But I don't. I can't stand this. 

I'm feeling more depressed again today. I don't want to use that word. Depressed. But it is what it is. I could say I'm feeling down, but that doesn't quite cover the apathy and the fatigue and the brain fog. I think I'm heading into another episode. I don't want to jump the gun saying this. I don't want to catastrophize or overthink this. But I can't deny that overall I'm feeling more melancholy. My thoughts are straying more and more towards the dark. I'm not finding the joy in little things. I'm not feeling happy or content. I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm starting to struggle to keep my head above water. For a while - a long while - I was on the pier, my toes just brushing the water. But I've fallen in and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm not just gently treading water - oh no. And while I may not be violently thrashing about, quickly losing my air, I am struggling. I'm working hard. I'm looking for a life vest. I need something to hold on to. 

Work, I know, is a big contributor to how I'm feeling right now. Because I'm burnt out and overwhelmed. Because if we're not crazy busy we're floating to other units. And because the higher ups don't seem to care. Nobody does. I got a text last night asking for nurses to come to work today. So we're either really busy or there were several sick calls - or both. I work the next 3 days so I declined. Working four 12 hour shifts in a row is not good for my mental health. And I felt so freaking guilty for not going in today. The guilt eats away at me. But I know I would be worse off if I had gone in. It's a catch 22. Work and be miserable, don't work and be miserable. I have to opt for what will make me the least miserable. And today it was not working. 

And there's something else bothering me. Something that's so remote and so, honestly, stupid that I don't even want to write about it. But I'm going to. Because I need to. Here goes. We're planning a trip to Japan in a couple of years. My son desperately wants to go. He adores Japanese culture and is hooked on anime and manga. So hubby and I decided we would take him there hopefully for his 16th birthday. And, quite honestly, I'm terrified of this trip. I'm terrified of everything about it. The ridiculously long flight, the jet lag, the culture shock, the language barrier, the food . . . everything. It seems so daunting and scary and hard. I keep reminding myself that I can do hard things . . . but this seems like it's too much for me to handle. It's the trip of a lifetime and I'd almost rather not go. Because not going would be easier. Because not going is less scary. I hate this. I try my best to not even think about the trip, but the seed is there, in the back of my mind, festering. I'm sure this is contributing to my overwhelm. As stupid as it seems. 

I also feel like I'm in a major rut with life in general. I don't really do anything. We used to have friends over for games and dinners all the time. We'd go out with friends and do things. And now . . . we don't. The friends we used to hang with abandoned us when I was at my worst. The friends I have now, my two good friends, well, we don't really do anything. Get coffee every once in awhile, but that's it. We see each other at work and text each other . . . but that's all we do. And it kinda sucks. Hubby has some friends from church, but not ones we do anything with. It just feels like I should be doing more. And I'm not. 

And on top of all this - the icing on the cake - is that recently I haven't been enjoying my art or sewing. It feels stagnant. It feels not good enough. It feels forced. Imposter syndrome maybe. They say all artists have it to some extent. Well, count me in. Which is probably one of the reasons I have no motivation to create. I don't feel that my stuff is good enough. So why bother? 

Oh, and while I'm at this long drawn out dump of everything bothering me, I might as well talk about my weight. Overall I've lost 22 pounds. Something to be proud of, right? Well, I'm not. Because I fell off the wagon. I've all but given up. I have no motivation to workout. I'm finding it difficult to count and follow my macros. And I hate myself for this. I've dusted myself off. I'm trying again. But my overall apathy makes it hard to get anything done. I need to lose more weight. For my health. For my sanity. I weigh 218 pounds and I want to at least get down to 180. That's a LOT more weight to lose. And it seems daunting and impossible to do. And I beat myself up every chance I get. If I have a treat or a snack. If I don't workout. If I eat something unhealthy. You think it would motivate me. But no, it stagnates me. I feel worse, so I eat worse. I feel worse, so I don't work out because I don't think I deserve it. 

This post sucks. I need to change my mindset for the better. I need to flood myself with positivity. I need to eat healthy and workout. I need to take time off from work. I need to do something. I'll get there. Eventually. I always do. One foot in front of the other. Right? Right. 

Tuesday 11/9/21 Work and Overwhelm

 Well, here we are again, you and I. A little over a week has gone by and I'm very tired and burnt out. I'm also feeling a little bit used. More on that in a minute. 

How are you, faithful reader? There's only one of you (or maybe there's more who stumble upon my blog and the count doesn't show it - who knows). I'm doing . . . okay. I've been battling a cold the past week and my congestion and cough are horrible. It's been keeping me up at night - most notably last night. Though I feel fine - not sick at all, really - just tired and congested. I hate colds like this, that linger. It's very annoying. I still worked, even though I was "under the weather". I don't like calling in sick and I felt well enough to work, so why not? We're all wearing masks anyway, so I'm probably not spreading too many germs. 

Last week I worked 4 days - two 12 hour shifts and two 6 hour shifts. The 6 hour shifts were brutally slow. Why two 6 hour shifts and not one 12 hour? Well, that's because I split 2 shifts with a coworker (who is also a good friend). So instead of one full shift, I ended up with two half shifts. The first was Sunday, Halloween. My friend worked the morning and I worked the back half so she could take her son trick or treating. It was a slow afternoon that dragged on and on. Then I worked Wednesday and Friday full shifts. Both days were steady. Then this past Saturday was my other half shift. Again, I worked the second half so my friend could get family photos done. And this is why I feel a bit used. See, I'm pretty flexible with my work schedule. And everyone seems to know this. So everyone comes to me with trades. I usually say yes, because if I don't have anything planned, then why not? Right? I'm a good egg, helping my coworkers out. Which has been leaving me feeling taken advantage of. Why? Because there have been a couple times when I really needed a trade and no one was there to help me. But it's just expected of me to trade with others, move my shifts around to accommodate everyone else. I've been getting more and more frustrated with this. And this last swap with my friend was kind of the last straw. Mainly because she just expected me to do the trade, no questions asked. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since I've been so burnt out at work. I didn't feel appreciated. Just . . . used. 

And I am still burnt out. Really burnt out. I worked all last weekend - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - and I'm working all this weekend too. I want to go to church and watch football but nooooo, my dumbass had to trade a shift. I'm trying to see the bright side. Like, it gives me 4 days off in a row. Time to recharge! Except I'm not recharging - I'm just annoyed and tired. I accomplished nothing yesterday and I've accomplished nothing today either. I'm so tired and I have no motivation. I get up, take the boy to school, have breakfast and coffee, and then go back to bed for an hour or so before I shower. Then I do nothing and end up taking a nap. This is what I do on my days off. And it is NOT recharging my battery. I feel worthless and pointless and unmotivated and lazy and fed up with myself. I hate that I'm doing this but I can't seem to stop or get out of this rut I'm in. It's like all I do is work and sleep my life away. Sounds like depression, doesn't it? I think there's a little bit there, hiding out in the shadows, not  really perceptible, but there none the less. And I think it's sapping my energy. My motivation. My joy. I think it's contributing to my burn out and overwhelm. And then my burn out and overwhelm make the depression that much stronger. It's a cycle. One I intend to break. I just don't know how. 

Tomorrow I'll start breaking it. Tomorrow I'm going to try something different. I'm going to get up early and shower before I take the boy to school. I'm not going to let myself lay back down. I'm not going to nap. I'm going to sew. I'm going to be productive. Tomorrow and Thursday (because starting Friday I'm back at work for 3 in a row). We'll see how I do. Fingers crossed.   

 

Monday 11/1/21 November . . .

 It's November. How the heck did that happen? Time seems to be flying by, but at the same time almost standing still. I don't know if that makes any sense. 

I'm feeling out of sorts today. Down, no motivation, no drive, no nothing. I feel like I'm running on empty. I didn't shower this morning until 10:30 - I laid in bed until then. I've managed to do laundry and the dishes, but that's it. I don't want to do anything else. Everything seems so hard. And pointless. And I know this feeling will pass - I felt this way a week and a half ago and it did, indeed, pass. But here I am again, feeling blah. I don't know what I need or what I'm, I guess, waiting for? I don't know. I just feel stuck. In a rut. And I can't seem to pull myself out of it. 

I had a good morning yesterday, went to mass, had coffee, hung out . . . and then I went in to work at 1 (I split the shift with another nurse). I got to work and I felt drained of all happiness. Drained of all my energy. Which made me realize just how burnt out I am at work. How much I don't want to be there, even though I do love my job. Something has to change, I just don't know what that something is. I don't want to change positions - I genuinely love what I do. I would be even more miserable on another unit (which, of course, we're all floating to other units to help out because the entire hospital is short staffed). And let's be honest - floating SUCKS. But I don't want to get into that right now. I want to reiterate how shocked I was at how unhappy I was at work yesterday. Maybe it's because I was bored. But, I found things to do. Maybe it's because of some of the people. But, I avoided them. I think I'm just horribly burnt out and I don't know what to do. And I know it's not just me - which is the sad thing. Most every nurse I know is burnt out right now. 

And then, last night I found out something terrible - my mom, who was supposed to fly to Arizona yesterday to help out my grandparents, was pushed by some asshole down an escalator. She spent the night in the hospital and fractured her arm and eye socket, and has 18 stitches in her face. She looks awful. I already hate people and this definitely does not instill hope in me for humanity. This hurts my heart and makes me incredibly angry. And I know it's probably contributing to my bad mood today. 

But what can I do? Everything is out of my control. The world is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. My mood is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. All of the positivity and mantras and napping, etc isn't doing anything. I'm still feeling crappy. All of this makes me wonder . . . maybe I don't love my job. Maybe I need something else. But what? I don't want to work on another unit. I really don't. When I think long and hard about it, I don't. Other units suck even more. Caring for new babies is rewarding. Helping new parents with their babies is rewarding. I need a break. I need a purpose. I need a why. I've lost my way it seems and I need some guidance. I need God's help in this. I guess I just put it in His hands and ask for help. Surrender. Have faith that He'll guide me straight. I don't know what else to do.  

Thursday 10/28/21 A Bit Better

 My last post was a bit of a downer, wasn't it? Yes, yes it was. I'm happy to say that I'm doing a bit better mentally this week, which is a good thing. I really am terribly burnt out at the moment and I need a good rest. 

I called in sick to work this morning. I worked yesterday - it was crazy busy. And so I was tired and I'm burnt out. And on Tuesday I hurt my back and have been in pain since then. It even hurt to just breathe. So I called in sick. For my back - so I could see my chiropractor today - and for my mental health - so I don't lose my shit. I saw my chiropractor about an hour ago and my back feels so much better. She worked on my right clavicle also which has been bothering me for the past two months (I'm icing it now as I type). I took Motrin, I had lunch, I'm relaxing. And I even think I'm going to book a massage! My chiropractor's hubby is a masseuse and he's very reasonably priced. So yes, I think a massage is in order. 

All of this is helping my mental state. I was able to sleep in this morning and have a lazy morning. I didn't get in the shower until 10. It is all much needed. Self care people! Let's be honest though - I  do feel guilty for calling in sick today. I don't like leaving my coworkers hanging. Night shift charge told me there was enough staff, but it still makes me feel guilty. However, I needed today. Sometimes you just gotta take a mental health day. 

Tomorrow we're going up to Denver to see Meow Wolf, an interactive art display. It should be cool. And a nice break from the daily grind. Saturday I get my hair cut, which I have been looking forward to because my hair is simply way too long (it's been 7 weeks since I last had it cut, and it wasn't quite short enough last time). Little things. Little snippets of self care, trying to combat my icky feels of last week. Because I really did feel pretty icky last week. I'm so glad I'm doing better. 

Thursday 10/21/21 Ugh

 I hate it when I feel compelled to write. I really do. Because usually the only time I feel compelled to write is when I'm not doing so good. Well, I'm not doing so good. 

I woke up this morning feeling like something had shifted, but I wasn't sure what. I took the boy to school, came home and made breakfast. It was while eating that I noticed the shift again. Staring off into space, feeling . . . down. Feeling . . . overwhelmed. Feeling . . . burnt out. Feeling not at all like myself, the self I've gotten so used to for the last year and a half. The self I sometimes take for granted. 

I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, all the while feeling the weight of everything on me. I went back to bed. It's all I could do. I went back to bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I told myself everything was fine, it was going to be fine. I showered. I shaved my legs. I washed my hair. All the while feeling empty and lost. I posted about it on Instagram and texted my two best friends about it. And then? Then I lost it. I started sobbing. And God bless my dog Moya, she came running into the bedroom whining, licking my face, trying to make me feel better. Only, it didn't help. I sobbed harder. This was the snot everywhere kind of sobbing, the makeup-running-down-the-face kind of sobbing. Thank goodness my mascara is water proof. 

I did, eventually, pull myself together. Blew my nose, cleaned myself up. And now I sit here typing this out, my eyes burning and swollen from the tears, wondering what the hell happened. Wondering, why do I feel like this? I don't have an answer for myself. I think it's a combination of things. I'm burnt out at work. I feel overwhelmed by everything. My weight is not where I want it to be. I have no motivation. I'm in perimenopause. And I feel like this will never end. I find myself trying to pick out little things to look forward to - a coping mechanism from when I'm depressed. Right now I'm looking forward to the 30th because I'm getting my hair cut (it's far too long right now and annoying me). 

Maybe I need to go up on my Wellbutrin. Maybe I need a therapy appointment. Maybe I simply need a vacation. I don't know what I need. All I know is that I've had this underlying feeling of unease that I've been effectively ignoring and today it's come to a head. Today it's come to the surface and broken through and quite honestly I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't go back to the way things were. The way things were when my depression was out of control. 

I know I might be reading too much into this. I may very well be catastrophizing this . . . this breakdown I've had today. Lord knows I'm an expert in doing that. It's just that I feel so awful. And I haven't felt this way for so long. 

So anyway, that's where I'm at. Feeling down and stuck and on the verge of tears again. 

 

Tuesday 10/19/21 Ummmm . . .

 Another week has gone by, nothing new is happening. I have a headache though. Woke up with it. It went away for a few hours, but it's back now. With a vengeance. Ugh. Stupid headache. 

So, last week I took care of a Spanish speaking patient. She knew a tiny bit of English, and, well, I know a tiny bit of Spanish. I only had to use the interpreter phone twice (when explaining medical stuff), the rest of the day we were able to communicate. But this experience has rekindled my desire to learn Spanish. Like, really learn it. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes. I tried to learn it about 2 years ago and had a hard time because my memory is shot from doing ECT for 3 years. I gave up. I hate that I gave up. I would be so much better off if I stuck with it. But noooooo, it was hard so I quit. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to learn. I still have my subscription to Babbel, which I used for the first time again yesterday. And all my learning Spanish books. And note cards I made. I'm going to do this!! 

I worked Sunday, primary nursery, and we had a sad situation. A gal came in for a labor check and there were no heart tones. She was a scheduled c-section the next day (Monday). And there were no heart tones. I assisted during her c-section to deliver a baby born sleeping. It was so very sad. I got weight and measurements, did hand prints and foot prints. This perfect baby boy who was called back by God too soon. My job is usually a happy one. But when it isn't, it isn't. I've prayed for this family every night. Maybe you could, too. 

In other news, I've been trying to stay productive with sewing and drawing/painting. For the most part I'm doing okay. I'm stock piling sock rats and little owls and soul suckers in hopes of doing a toy con with them. However, I don't think this year will be the year for me to do that. Maybe next year, when I have more time to prepare (the toy con I was going to do this year is in December and I feel overwhelmed). Anyway, here's a little fox I painted:

With his cute butterfly friend! I like him. And I thought I had him sold after I posted him on FB, but apparently some people think $20 for an original piece of artwork is too much. Whatever. I need to scan it and post it on Etsy. I'm going to be slowly raising my prices on original pieces as I plan to start offering prints of some of them. But yeah. People annoy me. 

Anyway, that's it for this week. 

Wednesday 10/13/21 More Tattoo Concept Art

 Well, well, well . . . it seems another week has gone by. It's been, actually, a very unproductive week for me. Mostly thanks to work and being lazy on my days off. It's all thanks to that, let's be honest. I've been feeling rather lazy as of late. Take this morning for example: got up at 7, took the boy to school, had breakfast and coffee, then laid back down for another hour before showering. And now I'm blogging instead of sewing or painting or cleaning. Lazy. I think I kind of need it though. Because of reasons. 

I had my yearly physical on Monday, so much fun. My doc felt some lumps in my right breast, one of which I knew was there (it's been biopsied before and has a marker in it), but there's a couple more now. It's been two years since my last mammogram, so hooray! I get to have another one done! It's scheduled for Nov. 9th. Otherwise I got a clean bill of health. She wants my labs to be drawn in February so that it's been a full year since the last time I had them done. I asked about the feelings of malaise I've been getting, and the headaches, every day for over a month now. She thinks it's probably diet related. Most likely sugar. Granted, in the past month and a half I have been eating a TON more sugar. A lot more than before I had my tooth pulled the end of August, so that kinda makes sense. So I guess I gotta cut back again. Which sucks because sugar is tasty. Oh well. 

I came up with a new tattoo concept for my left forearm which I really love. It's a fox, of course, and should fit nicely over my scars. 

I'm really digging this design. Like, I'm pretty positive this is it. This is my next tattoo. Now I just have to save up some money (cause tattoos are expensive, duh). But yeah, I'm stoked. 

The other day I texted my therapist just to check in, let him know how I was doing and that I appreciate him so much. He wrote me back that it warms his heart that I wrote him. Which warms my heart so much! I think it's actually been about a year since I last saw him and it's still weird to me to not be seeing him at least monthly. I'm doing so well though that I'd really have nothing to talk about, other than just shooting the shit (which, let's be honest, I would totally do with him). 

That's pretty much been the last week. Work is work. I'm still burnt out and now our unit is staffing the rest of the hospital. Every single day at least one or more people are floated to other units. Which really sucks and is annoying. I haven't floated for a few months so I know my time is coming. Probably tomorrow. I hate floating. We all do. It sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not get my panties in a bunch over it.  

Tuesday 10/5/21 It's October

 It's October people! How did that happen?? Time is just flying by!

I'm supposed to be at work today. In fact, I was positive I'd be at work and 90% sure I'd be floating to another unit. But I got a glorious text this morning putting me on call instead. So what did I do? I went back to be of course! (After I dried my hair). I don't often get put on call, so it was quite a lovely surprise. Now I'm just hoping I don't get called in (it's 1:13pm as I'm writing this). We'll see.

I haven't let my day go to waste either! No, I've been sewing. Sewing up a Soul Sucker! Don't know what a soul sucker is? Here, let me show you:

This is Ned, the soul sucker. He's a critter out of my own mind. Soul suckers float around with their tentacles, being all cute, and then they steal your soul when you're least expecting it. Ned sits about 8in tall and his tentacles are 20in long. His fluffy tail is actually a coyote tail. See, soul suckers are all soft with their fluffy tails . . . it's how they lure you in. So be careful!

Hubs and I went on a lovely drive this past Saturday in the mountains to see the fall colors. Not all of the aspens were changed yet, but it was gorgeous none the less (even though we did get rained on). It was nice to get away for several hours and enjoy ourselves. 

I feel I should update too on my mental status, as I haven't really done that in awhile. I've been stable now for a year and 3 months. Stable. Happy. Content. It's amazing. Something I never thought possible, but it's true. No depression, no hypomania, no anxiety (well, maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, rarely). But I've been doing amazingly well. I'm still on 3 meds (Vraylar, Wellbutrin, and Prestiq), and I'll probably be on them indefinitely, but I'm okay with that. Small price to pay for stability. I'm so thankful and grateful for this. I only see my psychiatrist every 6 months now and I haven't seen my therapist for around 8 months (considering I saw him weekly to monthly for 8 years, this is downright amazing).  It's hard to believe that I'm doing so well! Now if I could only get over being burnt out at work . . . Having days off like I do today does help some. But I feel like I need a vacation. A real vacation. Some day . . . 

Thursday 9/30/21 Tired

 Well, another week has gone by and not much of anything is going on. Except work and laundry, the two constants. 

Work is still busy. Annoyingly so. But on the rare days we're not super busy, we're being floated to other units. Which sucks. Mostly we're being used as sitters, meaning we're sitting in a patient's room for the full 12 hour shift basically staring at them and charting what they're doing every 15 minutes. Being a sitter is horrifically boring and awkward. 

In other news, I'm sick of this pandemic. I know, I know, everyone is. But it's especially hard being a healthcare worker. I'm so burnt out it's not even funny. And I have it pretty cushy on my unit - we only have about one covid patient a week (whereas other units have over half of their patients with covid). But yet, I'm burnt out and sick of the pandemic. I'm sick of hearing about it constantly. I'm sick of all of the arguing and finger pointing. I'm sick of vaccine mandates (I believe in body autonomy). I'm sick of it all. 

I'm also tired. All. The. Time. Tired. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I'm tired. And being so tired is severely hampering my motivation to get stuff done. Should I do the dishes or nap? Sew or nap? Paint or nap? Often, napping wins. Especially after lunch - I get so groggy and sleepy after lunch. No matter what I eat. Healthy or junk, I'm sleepy. 

I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I lapsed at first when I had my tooth pulled because ANY physical activity - even going up the stairs at home - made the whole left side of my face throb in pain. But then when it got better, I just continued not going. I haven't gained any weight thank goodness, but I feel gross. 

For the past month, too, I've been feeling like I'm getting sick. The slightest bit of malaise. Slight sore throat, slight headache. And a cough that comes and goes. I'm sure I wrote about this in a previous post. I'm still dealing with it. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so freaking tired. 

Anyway, I painted today - 3 foxes - and did laundry and the dishes. So I guess I feel accomplished. And I'm blogging (not that this takes much brain power or physical ability). But at least I'm not napping, even though I desperately want to. 

The weather is cooler today, only around 50 degrees. Overcast and chilly. The leaves are changing and I'm hoping to go to the mountains on Saturday to see the aspens. A nice mountain drive. Clear my head. Get away, even if only for a day. 

Wednesday 9/22/21 Birthday . . .

 My birthday is coming up. It's Saturday. I'll be 43. Craziness. I know I'm going out to dinner with my step mom, but other than that, I don't know. Probably not much of anything. Which is okay - I don't really need or want to do anything. Just eat and have a mojito or two. 

I work the next two days and I don't want to. Like, I really don't want to. Mainly because we've been floating nurses this week to other floors. Which, let's be honest, I hate. We all do. I feel worthless on other units. I'm not supposed to enter Covid rooms (which over half the rooms are Covid patients), not supposed to pass meds, just supposed to be helping hands or a sitter. So I can do vitals, pass trays, make beds . . . or sit in a room with a patient and chart what they're doing every 15 minutes. Joy. It fucking sucks. I think I'm safe Friday because I'm nursery that day, but tomorrow I'm scheduled for mom/baby. So if we're not busy I could be floated. It just makes for a wretched day. I know I should have a more positive attitude about it - that would go a long way in helping - but it's just hard to. I'm already burnt out, and working on another unit just compounds that. 

It also doesn't help that I'm in a piss poor mood today. Cranky, bitter, down, annoyed with everything . . . I don't think I'm very pleasant to be around today. I got stuff done - laundry, sewing, drawing, organized my studio quite a bit. I even took a short nap. But all of that hasn't helped my mood. I don't want to start a downward spiral because of my poor attitude. It truly can easily happen. I know part of it is thinking about work tomorrow. Part of it is my sewing machine snagging several times and poking myself with a needle. Part of it is because I woke up like this. And part of it is because for the last 3 weeks I've felt like I'm coming down with a cold. I don't ever get sick - I just have the ever-so-slightest feeling of malaise. A barely there headache. My neck is perpetually sore. I don't know what it is. Maybe I have the world's most mild case of Covid. Who knows. But it certainly puts a damper on my mood. Makes me want to nap. Not be productive. And annoys the hell out of me. 

Man this blog post is whiney. I hate when I'm like this. I don't want to cook tonight either. I want Burger King. Junk. I don't care right now. 

Anyway, happy birthday (early) to me. 

Friday 9/17/21

 Well, another week has gone by and there's nothing really exciting going on. Like, nothing exciting. Work and work and more work. And some time drawing and painting and sewing. There's a toy con in December that I'm thinking about getting a booth at so I need to have product for that, right? So that means I've got to stay busy on my days off drawing and painting and sewing. I really could have used a nap today but I didn't. I did 5 paintings and sewed two little owls instead. Which makes 7 owls I've made. Although I sold 2 of them so now I only have 5. They're cute little things. But anyway . . .

I still feel burnt out at work. It's just so stupidly busy. I already need another break. I have around 240 PTO hours so I can certainly afford to take one. But I neglected to do so on the next schedule so I'm shit out of luck for awhile. The holidays are coming up and everyone has requested time off so I'll be hard pressed to get something. Maybe I'll do what I did in August and take a day off here and there so I have a longer span of time off. We'll see. I need to though. 

My birthday is next Saturday. I want to get another tattoo for it (if you saw last week's post you know what I'm leaning towards). I just have to convince hubby to let me get it sooner rather than later. 

Ugh. That's it I guess. Nothing else going on.

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.  

Tuesday 8/31/21 Stuff 'n stuff

 Tomorrow is September, which is crazy. This summer has gone by so freaking fast. It's going to be my birthday soon!! Yay!

On the tooth front . . . ohmygosh I've been in so much pain y'all. Like, ridiculous amounts of pain. I've been taking motrin, tylenol, naproxen, and norco around the clock. Today was the first day (in a week) I haven't been near tears several times a day. It's this gnawing, throbbing, aching pain that just doesn't go away. My lord it's terrible. I'm now at the point where I get to "irrigate" the giant hole where my tooth was. It looks like a freaking cavern in my mouth. And I irrigate it after every time I eat something to make sure no food bits get left behind in there. Gross. And last night while I was irrigating the stitch came out. Which, they told me it would, but it was so nasty. This little spider looking thing falling out of my mouth. Ugh. No bueno. I really hope I never have to have another tooth pulled because this has sucked balls. Like, a lot.

Okay. Enough about that.

Soooooooo, I'm seriously thinking about trying to get a booth at a con. To sell my art and plushies. Colorado Springs Comic Con would be freaking amazing but I may need to start out smaller. Like a toy con or something. Which means I better get producing! Art and plushies! And I have to find a decently priced print shop so I can make prints of some of my Bipolar Chronicles stuff. How awesome would that be?? To have a booth and sell my stuff?? Hell yeah! (I just ordered some fabric, teehee!)

I go back to work this Friday. This past week has gone by way too quickly. Ten days off wasn't enough time. I want MOAR! Oh well. Back to the grind. But now, with the prospect of a con, maybe I'll have some drive and motivation to do stuff on my days off. Like draw and paint and sew. Hopefully. And hopefully my morale will be a bit better because I was pretty darn burnt out before this little break. 

Wednesday 8/25/21 My Tooth

 Well, I had my tooth yanked yesterday. The procedure itself wasn't that bad as I was under anesthesia. But the aftermath? Ugh. 

The dentist numbed me up in addition to the anesthesia, so when I woke up I felt pretty darn good, albeit a little sleepy. We went home and I slept for a couple hours, then decided that I should eat something. I removed the bloody gauze from my mouth and made myself some oatmeal and a protein shake. Which was a bad idea in hindsight. It made me nauseous. Now I'm nauseous and still groggy so I put more gauze in my mouth and went and laid back down. I slept for a couple more hours and when I woke up I was in an incredible amount of pain - the numbness had worn off and I could feel everything. My mouth was throbbing and aching and had stabbing pain, my head was throbbing and aching. I was a mess. I took motrin and naproxen but for 2 hours I was in pain. 

I went to bed at my normal time, despite sleeping all day, and I took a Norco before bed so I'd be sure to sleep. I drooled though. I drooled blood onto my pillow. So today I had to wash the sheets because I got bloody drool on them. Go me. But hey - clean sheets and jammies tonight! 

Today the pain hasn't been too bad. I took Motrin this morning and after lunch, along with a dose of Tylenol, and I'm doing pretty good. A little bit of throbbing, definitely sore and bruised, but a lot better than I was last night. 

What a great way to spend my "vacation" time. I don't go back to work until the 3rd. Another week and a couple days off to relax and do whatever. Probably nap. Definitely nap. And draw and sew. But most definitely nap. 

Friday 8/20/21 Yeah

 Wow. It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Crazy. I didn't think it had been this long. And the sad thing? Nothing much is going on. It's pretty much been the same thing, over and over. 

Work is still busy as fuck. I'm still burnt out. I'm still working my extra shifts and being asked to work more (I don't though). But I only have 3 more shifts until I have 10 days off. Ten glorious days in a row without work. I'm so looking forward to it. The thing that sucks though is that the first day of the ten off I'm having a molar pulled. I am NOT looking forward to that. It's the molar I had a root canal done on. When the dentist did the root canal, some of the sealant went through the root and into my jaw. So this isn't going to be an easy wiggle-wiggle-pull type of procedure. No, they'll probably have to shatter the tooth and pull out the pieces. My dentist told me to do it under anesthesia because of the pain. Joy. And told me that I would be in pain for several days after. Severe pain. Double joy. So the first few days of my time off will be spent recovering from this. Oh! And I get to have nothing but soft foods for two weeks. Triple joy.

Let's move on to something less horrible - today marks the end of the first week of high school for my son. I can't believe I have a high schooler!! And to think that next March he can get his learner's permit. He'll be driving! It's pretty cool though, watching him grow and change over the years . . . He's such a good kid. The best kid really. I'm so proud of him. 

I've had a hard time with motivation and inspiration lately. The only thing I'm motivated to do is sleep. Nap. Go to bed. It's awful. I hate that I feel this way. And with my artwork I have no inspiration. No drive to do or make anything. Every once in awhile I'll get a little spark. The tiniest little burst of inspiration, but always at the most inopportune time. And then - poof - it's gone. I want to sew cute things, but I don't know what. Or how. (I'm really over the whole zombie thing). And I want to draw and paint things . . . I just don't know what. I see other people's work and I'm jealous - I wish I could create something that others want to buy. But I'm stuck in a rut. A rut with no creativity. 

In other news, I awoke to a text from my bank yesterday stating that they noticed suspicious activity on my debit card. Checked the account and someone apparently hacked my Etsy account and went on a spending spree. Luckily Etsy caught it, cancelled the orders, and the money was refunded. So yesterday and this morning were spent trying to get my account back and protected. We cancelled my bank card so I had to get a new one. I've changed my password on Etsy 4 times now (as I keep getting shut out and prompted to create a new password). It's been a stressful mess. So I changed my passwords to everything. Ugh. What a pain in the ass. 

That's about it. There's not much else going on. Work and blah and exhaustion.  

Thursday 7/29/21 I got my tattoo!

 Holy cow y'all! July is almost over! This summer has flown by! Just, really flown by. It's hard to believe that my son will be starting high school on August 16th - that's not far away. It's crazy. But it's happening. 

In other news, yes, I'm still burnt out at work. It's been a little better, but I'm still burnt out. This week is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (although I was asked if I'd work today too - I declined). This week has been ever so slightly slower, but still busy in the big scheme of things. Still looking forward to my time off in August. 

Also, today has been weird. I woke up feeling weak and lightheaded and stayed that way all morning. I was planning on getting on the spin bike and doing legs, but I couldn't. Just walking bills out to the mailbox made me short of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out. I don't know what was up. I've also had the trots today, all morning really. That seems to have subsided now. Thank goodness! I don't like feeling how I was. I thought maybe low blood sugar or low blood pressure, but I have no way to test those theories. I've eaten breakfast and lunch and am feeling a bit better now, but still like I have no energy. Which is annoying. I want to be able to workout. 

And, like the title says, I did get my tattoo last Friday! I love it! I went with a new artist this time around and couldn't be happier. It only took 2 hours and didn't hurt at all. 

This was taken two days after having it done (it's currently in the peeling stage). My little chickadee. This is on the top of my right forearm. Pretty darn cool, right? It's my own artwork, as are most of my tattoos. 

Tuesday 7/20/21 Been a Minute

 It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. No real reason really, just nothing much to say I guess. 

I'm so burnt out at work. It's been so busy and I've been working my call shifts in addition to my regular shifts. I need a break. A real break. I'm taking ten days off the end of August (for getting my tooth pulled) and it can't come fast enough. I'm at the point where I practically dread going into work. I work the next two days and I wish I didn't. I'm so tired of work. I'm so burnt out. And I don't know what to do about it. I know everybody gets this way about their job from time to time . . . it's just that I've felt this way for the past several months with no end in sight. I'm crankier. I don't connect as much with my patients. And I'm losing patience. I'm just so tired. It's hard to find the joy in what I do right now. Maybe if it wasn't so damn busy all the time. Maybe if we weren't short staffed every single day. Maybe if I could just take a break. I don't know. But I'm sick of feeling this way. 

In my last post I believe I talked about joining Warrior Babe Blueprint - a nutrition and fitness program. I've watched quite a few of the modules now and I'm counting my macros. I'm working out consistently. And I lost four pounds this past week. It's pretty awesome. I'm on my way to a new, healthier, sustainable lifestyle. And I'm thankful for that. I've learned a lot through the modules and I'm now applying it to my life. I'm going to crush my weight loss goals!

This Friday I'm getting my next tattoo - a chickadee on a pine tree branch. It's weird, but I haven't gotten really excited about it. I think because I'm thinking that something is going to happen so that I can't get it. Which would suck. Because I really want this tattoo. I'm sure Friday morning I'll be excited. 

Also, the past couple of weeks I've been having more twangs of anxiety. They don't last long, but they're there. And it's annoying. I'm feeling anxious right now in fact. Which is super dumb because I'm just sitting on the couch typing this. Nothing else is going on. I mean, WTF brain?? What's up with this??

This post wouldn't be complete without me writing something about my grandpa. See, my grandpa has been deteriorating rapidly the past week or so. He has congestive heart failure and 3rd stage kidney failure. And, I guess, dementia. He has been acting erratically and was even sent to a psych hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideation. He punched a nurse there. They sent him back to the medical hospital because of his declining health. He remains there. My mom and her hubby are driving out to see him and help my grandma move into an assisted living facility. I don't know what's going to come of all of this. My grandpa is in bad shape and it would probably be best for him to pass. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know this has added stress to my life, even though I'm not particularly close to him. He's still family and this is rough. 

So I'm burnt out, with added family stress and anxiety resurfacing. No wonder I'm feeling like crap. I'm trying to prioritize self care, with naps and working out high up there on the list. 

I guess that's it for today.

Tuesday 7/6/21 Well, I did something . . .

 So yeah. As the title states, I did something. Something I think I'm going to be proud of. Something that I think is going to help me immensely. Something . . . that my hubby doesn't know about yet. Oops. So this thing I did, what is it? Well, I joined a  training program called Warrior Babe Blueprint. It is a program that will teach me how to eat appropriately for my body type to lose weight, gain muscle, and then maintain what I achieve. It's a program that is set up much like my Mental and Emotional Mastery program was set up (which, I might add, I excelled at). It's a series of learning modules that I go through at my own pace. I'll learn about macros and what to eat when, how to measure my food accurately (instead of just eyeballing it like I do now). I'll learn which cardio and strength training exercises are best suited to my body type and my goals. I'll learn how to take control of my body and make it into what I want. It will help me eat better, sleep better, be better. I'll have more energy and hopefully won't need my customary afternoon nap (pretty much every day I'm off I nap - not because I want to, but because I don't feel like I can't function without one). I am super excited to start this program!! I signed up today. The only problem is the cost - it's not cheap. But I'm looking at this as a major investment in myself. I invested in myself last year when I did Mental and Emotional Mastery, I'm investing in myself this year by doing this. I'm worth it. And the program comes with tons of support from nutrition and fitness coaches every step of the way. For life. I can use this program and the support of coaches for life. That's huge. This is a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change for the better. I'm going to get healthy and strong. I'm going to excel. I am going to do this!!

Anyway, there isn't much of anything else going on. Work and sleep and sleep and work. I worked the 4th of July, which I figured would be a nice, chill day. It wasn't. I did 7 deliveries. It was busy. One, for a Sunday, but then especially for a holiday Sunday! I definitely earned my time and a half. I worked yesterday too and it was just as dumb. And the vibe was off yesterday. It just seemed like a weird day. But I'm off today and the next 2 days, so that's nice (I plan on starting my new program tomorrow - power through the learning!). 

That's all for today. Keep it pretty short.

Wednesday 6/30/21 Dentist Fun

 Does anyone really like going to the dentist? I certainly don't. Even for cleanings. But I went to the dentist on Monday for tooth pain. My lower left molar, the one that's furthest back. Now, ten months ago this tooth cracked and I had a root canal done with a crown put on. Root canals are not pleasant. No one wants a root canal. And I have TMJ pretty bad so keeping my mouth wide open for an hour and a half was torture (even though they used a bite block). So I had this done and have had pain in that tooth since. It's not constant and some days are worse than others. Last week I had excruciating pain and decided it was high time I went back to the dentist (I saw the dentist and endodontist after the root canal for pain and was told to "just wait longer"). Well, my tooth hasn't healed. And there's shadowing in my jaw bone (apparently that's bad). I was given two choices: have them drill into the side of my jaw, scrape everything out, and fill it with more sealant (which I was told probably won't heal since I didn't heal from the root canal), or have my tooth pulled. I don't like either choice. At all. But I opted to go for having my tooth pulled. Of course, my dentist can't do it. No, I have to go to an oral surgeon to have it pulled. Under anesthesia. Because the extraction is "sure to be brutal because of how much sealant I have in that tooth". Um, what? My dentist further told me that I would need 3-5 days off after having the tooth pulled because I would be in "so much pain I won't be able to work". Oh joy. This just keeps getting better and better. And I can only have soft foods for at least two weeks after. To say I'm not looking forward to this is an understatement. But I scheduled it, for August 24th. That way I can work that Sunday and Monday (22nd and 23rd) and use a day of vacation so I have a full week off after having it done. I'm not one for mouth pain. I'm kind of a wuss in that department. Yeah I know I've had pain the last 10 months, but it's been more of a dull companion than anything else. When it got bad I went in. So I get to have a tooth pulled. Which, even though you won't be able to see it (since it's a molar), makes me feel, I don't know, weird. I'll get over it, I'm sure. 

Tomorrow is July, which is crazy! Time is flying by! I'm glad though because July 23rd I get my new tattoo. Something to look forward to. Because I don't think we're really going to do anything this summer. No big vacation or anything. Even getting away for a night or two proves hard to do when you have no one to watch your dog. It's okay though. We can take a couple of day trips. That's better than nothing. 

That's about it. There's nothing much else going on. Work and naps. No motivation. Same old, same old. 

 

Tuesday 6/22/21 Two Weeks

 Wow. It's been two weeks since my last post. I meant to blog last week but just didn't get around to it. Maybe because there's nothing much exciting going on.

Work is still busy and we're back to mandatory floating again. Which sucks. I hate floating to other units. But the whole hospital is busy. In fact, most days we're at capacity. On all units. And there have been a lot of psych patients apparently because our nurses and CNAs are floating to be "sitters" (you basically "sit" in the patient's room and watch them if they're a risk to themselves or others). Great fun. Ugh. But you do what you gotta do I guess. It just sucks. 

My brain is still being an asshole on occasion. If I'm busy I seem to do okay. But when I have downtime I tend to trend downwards. I've had a couple days where I've been pretty down. Depressive symptoms. Which really annoys me. I'm fighting it as much as I can because I don't want to lose my foothold on stability. So I fight it. And sometimes fighting it means taking a nap. Sometimes I need to escape. 

I saw my psychiatrist today, I haven't seen him in 7 months. He's very happy with how well I'm doing. We're not changing any of my meds and I'll see him again in 6 months (sooner, of course, if I need to, but I'm hoping I don't). Being on the Wellbutrin I'm still having trouble peeing. I can pee, it just takes me a couple of minutes to start going sometimes (usually worse at night). Dr. M said that now I know what it feels like to be an old man with an enlarged prostate! Yes, I guess I can sympathize now. Ha! We had a good laugh over that. Although, that's something I'd rather not sympathize with . . .

Aaaaaand, I'm getting my next tattoo July 23rd! Hooray!! I'm so excited! I'm seeing a new artist (my old one can't be bothered to call me back). He's a little more pricey but I think he'll be worth it. His work is amazing. Soon I'll have a little chickadee on my forearm. I can't wait! I wish I was getting it sooner, but I guess I can wait a month (I really have no choice . . . ). 

On the weight loss front I seem to be stuck where I'm at. Nineteen pounds lost. I had started a new plan called G Plans and since I've been following it I haven't lost any weight. It's very frustrating. It has me eating quite a bit of food. Too much I think. I know it's supposed to "ignite my fat burning potential", but now I'm just stuck. For two weeks now. I'm thinking I might stray off of it and do what I was doing before - modified paleo diet, cutting refined carbs and sugars, and watching my calories. Admittedly, I need to move more. In some manner I need to be working out. I still haven't started my yoga app and I've slipped behind on my face yoga. Last week I did however use my spin bike twice. It's a start. I'll get there. I know I will. One way or another.  

Tuesday 6/8/21 My brain, the asshole

 Sometimes my brain can be an asshole. But we know this - I'm bipolar. So really it's no surprise. But the past week I've had several down days, which is annoying, to say the least. Mostly I feel blah. But Sunday I felt down. Like, down. For no reason. I woke up feeling that way. So down I didn't want to go to church. But I went, and I'm glad I did because it helped a little. I found a perfect pinecone outside of our church and it helped lift my spirits a little bit. Then yesterday at work I was okay. My mood was pretty good.

Today though, today is not a good day. I'm cranky and annoyed with everything and feel down and blah all at the same time. I'm not in a good place today. And what doesn't help is that I just got off the phone with my mom. She called at 10:30 - in the morning - and she's already drunk. I have a very strained relationship with her (that's putting it lightly). And trying to talk to her when she's been drinking is horrendous. I can't. Fucking. Stand it. I'm not the best talking to her when she's sober (and, let's be honest, that's a rare thing), so dealing with her when she's drunk . . . let's just say it tries my patience. But I was the good daughter and talked to her on the phone, which really consists of me listening to her slur her words and complain about everything that is wrong in her life. She even complains about things that are good in her life. Everything is horrible and nothing is okay. It's exhausting and draining to have to listen to her and not lash out. So many of her problems would be solved if she didn't drink all day every day. 

But I digress. 

I tried to motivate myself this morning. To do something. Anything physical. I don't have the motivation. I don't have the drive. It's like I just don't care. But I did my face yoga (oh yeah - I started doing face yoga), and I stretched. It's all I could bring myself to do. On Thursday I'm going to try and do 10 minutes on the spin bike. Just 10. Start small. Make it a habit. Then increase my time gradually. That's my plan. Today I stretched, Thursday I'll do the spin bike. And then I'll try actual yoga. I mentioned last week that I had downloaded an app for yoga. Well, I have yet to use it. It intimidates me. So I'll start small. I'll build up. I'll get there. 

And today I emailed a guy about my next tattoo. I'm starting the process. Hopefully I can get my next one soon. Sooner rather than later. Hopefully it won't take long for this guy to get back to me. 

Anyway, that's about it. I had a lovely four day weekend this past weekend (except for my mood). There was much relaxing. And a drive up Rampart Range Rd into the mountains. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. The end.   

Tuesday 6/1/21 I Got Nothing

 It's hard to believe it's June already. It certainly doesn't feel like it - 1. because May went by so quickly, and, 2. the weather has been chilly and rainy most of May so it doesn't feel like summer. But here it is, June 1st. Hubby turns 44 in two days. Haha! He's old! But then, so am I. 

It's also kind of weird that I have nothing much to talk about. There isn't much going on. We had a garage sale this past Saturday which - surprise - got rained out. We're selling all of our Halloween decorations. All of them. There's a lot. We've sold a decent percentage but there's still more to go. Quite a bit more to go. Ugh. Eventually we'll sell them all. 

As of Saturday I've lost 19 pounds. Go me! This is a huge accomplishment for me. And all of this is just from changing my eating habits - I haven't been to the gym in about a month and a half. Crazy. I'm changing that this week. I'm going to get my butt moving again. In fact, I downloaded a yoga app on my phone and I'm going to start using it. And lifting weights. And doing cardio. I'll probably have to start slow, but that's okay. As long as I'm moving. 

I've almost got hubby convinced to let me get my tattoo . . . I got an extra $200 from work for picking up extra days (as a thank you from my boss), so I need about $400 more, to be on the safe side. I told him it could be an early birthday gift for me :D So we'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to get it this summer. 

In other news, I was called off today from work which is very nice. I have lots of PTO to kill - I have as much as I can have and I can't accrue more until I use some. I like getting paid to sit at home. Though I am a little bored . . . oh well. Go to the gym this afternoon and maybe get on the spin bike. 

That's about it. There's nothing new or exciting going on.

The End.

Tuesday 5/25/21 I Need Ink

 Well it's Tuesday again, funny how that happens. 

So there's not much new in my world, I'm really rather boring. Hubby got a new car (at least new to us). This was Saturday. A 2013 Toyota Venza. It's silver, fully loaded, all wheel drive . . . a real nice ride. He's been wanting a Venza for years so this is pretty cool. It's super comfy, too. 

I've discovered that junk food doesn't agree with me any more. Since I've been eating healthier and mostly clean, my tummy does NOT tolerate junk (think fast food, refined sugar, fried foods . . . ). I get crampy and gassy and yes, diarrhea. So much fun! I mean, I guess it's good, right? No longer eating junk is good (and has helped me lose 18 pounds so far), and with getting the bubble guts I have a good deterrent to junk food. But MAN would I like a greasy Culver's burger and side of cheese curds! Even my beloved Chic fil a does me wrong now. Ugh. Oh well, healthy eating it is. I've been thinking of taking a food sensitivity test though, to see if there's something specific I'm reacting to (ya know, like gluten or dairy). We'll see. 

In other news, I'm jonesing for some new ink. On the top part of my right forearm. I just need to convince hubby that I need another tattoo. I've even designed it! I did 3 different paintings: two of a chickadee with cherry blossoms and one with a chickadee on a pine tree branch. The cherry blossoms are okay, but I love the one I painted today.

Chickadee on a pine tree branch! Some back story - I love chickadees. They remind me of my dad. Because growing up I would spend the weekends with him and I loved watching and listening to the chickadees up in the mountains. And pine trees remind me of the mountains too, for obvious reasons. And while I do love cherry blossoms, I just happen to like this painting the best out of all of them. So I do believe, with about 90% certainty, that this is my next tattoo. Now I just have to get hubby on board.

There's nothing much else going on. I had to call in sick to work on Saturday because of said bubble guts. Yesterday I helped deliver a 27 week old baby (40 weeks is term). She was super tiny - not quite 2 pounds! It was pretty awesome. My mood has still been holding steady, doing good. And our weather is finally feeling like spring but I'm still wearing my hoodie today because for some reason I'm FREEZING. I need to go sit out in the sun.

Tuesday 5/18/21

My computer is annoying me. Every 2-3 minutes a virus protection warning pops up, urging me to purchase antivirus software. STOP IT!!!!

Anyway, it's Tuesday and I've got nothing going on. I slept in, took my son to school, had a chiropractor appointment, and then went to my mother-in-law's house to stay with her while my brother-in-law went to the gym and to the store. So yeah, my mother-in-law, E, is home. She was discharged from the hospital on Saturday afternoon and is now home and doing fairly well. Although she doesn't like having to have people take care of her. My brother-in-law, S, took a couple of weeks off to be home with her and to help her get around. I'm not sure what we'll do when the two weeks are up. If E can't get around by herself (like to the bathroom and such) I really don't know what we'll do. Hubby and I both work full time so it's not like we can stay over with her all the time. I hope to God that she's more mobile and independent in a couple of weeks. 

In other news, we're looking to buy a new car. Hubbs wants a Toyota Venza and I agree, they're nice (especially the new ones!). Sadly, we cannot afford a new one, so used it is! We found one yesterday that looked real nice, drove real nice, and we negotiated a good price . . . only to find out that the undercarriage is completely rusted out. Darn it!! So it was a no go. Still looking. 

Yesterday was also our anniversary. We've been married for 18 years, together for 21! Holy crap can you believe it??? It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it has been. Crazy. We spent the day car shopping and being let down by the rusty Venza. Went out to dinner to Red Robin and my tummy hated me for that. We ordered their tower of onion rings - which is delicious - but my tummy no longer seems to handle junk food well. By the end of our meal I was in pain. Bloated, gassy, cramping. I went to bed early and was horribly uncomfortable laying down because of the cramping and bloat. Ugh. So much for junk food I guess. I get the same way when I eat something sweet - like cookies or donuts and whatnot. Which, let's be honest, kind of sucks. I want to be able to eat junk food every once in a while but my tummy says no. So no fried or greasy foods or sweets. Bummer. Oh well, maybe it will help me lose weight and be healthier.   

Friday 5/14/21 A Day Off

 That's right! A day off! I'm supposed to be at work right now but I was put on call. Which is soooo nice since I already have worked three 12 hour shifts this week and I'm on call tomorrow. I've been working a lot these past 2 weeks, picking up extra shifts to help out. And considering I was feeling burnt out before doing this, well . . . let's just say I'm happy to not be at work today. I have a chance of going in at 1pm, but I'm hoping I'll just be released at that point and I'll have the whole day off. *fingers crossed*

The night before last I managed to hurt my black by sleeping funny. Like, really hurt my back. I couldn't turn my head to the left without being in immense pain. I was able to get in to see my hubby's chiropractor yesterday for an adjustment and hubby massaged my back after. The chiropractor took x-rays and man oh man is my back outta whack! I go back on Tuesday for another adjustment, although I feel quite a bit better already. Thank goodness! I've gotta be getting old to throw my back out just by sleeping. Go me!

Also, I'm starting a new eating plan called G-Plans. It's basically eating for my metabolic type. I'm easing into it next week as I only downloaded the app this past Tuesday and, well, I need to plan meals and such. I'm hoping it will continue my current weight loss of about a pound a week. I need to learn how to count macros though. If I use the plan's meals then the plan does it for me automatically. But if I use my own recipe I need to count macros. Gotta look that up. I was doing a plan called Reset before switching to G-Plans but I wasn't really happy with it. The reset days (where you limit yourself to 800 calories) were difficult and not very fun. So I decided to switch it up. Hopefully G-Plans will live up tp it's promises. 

In keeping with weight loss, I don't think I'll lose any weight this week. I managed to binge at work on Wednesday. One of the groups of doctors brought in Chic-Fil-A and I freaking LOVE Chic-Fil-A! I had a few too many tenders and then I had a couple of cookies. My tummy was NOT happy with me. I was bloated, gassy and in pain. I actually skipped dinner that night because my tummy was so upset. And I didn't go to the gym this week because I've been so tired from work and then hurting my back. So yeah. I doubt I'll lose any weight this week. Gotta get back on the horse. 

There's not really much else going on. It's just been work and napping, work and napping. I don't know if I mentioned it in a previous post, but a couple of weeks ago hubby's mom fell and broke her hip. She's been in the hospital the past couple of weeks and is set to be discharged tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about that. I think it would be better for her to go to a rehab facility for a a week or so to get her strength back but her insurance won't cover it. Fucking insurance companies. It's so frustrating. She has stairs at her place to get to her condo and I'm hoping she can maneuver them to get inside. If not, I don't know what we'll do. The whole situation sucks. But she's stubborn and a fighter so I'm sure she'll be alright, one way or another.