5/27/18

It's almost 10pm. I'm sitting on my couch, home alone right now. I'm kinda feeling like crap. Not physically, but emotionally. Why? Well, my hubby is down the street at a block party with our neighbors. And, well, I'm not there.

You may be thinking well why don't you just go there? Why aren't you there with him? Am I right? I'm probably right. Well, see, there's this little thing called social anxiety and I happen to have it (because apparently bipolar disorder wasn't enough). You know what really sucks though? I haven't always had social anxiety. It's only developed in the last few years (I think it's because of the bipolar disorder).

Social anxiety can be different for everyone. For me, I start by feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I suddenly lose my ability to talk to people. I can't remember names or events, I forget how to make small talk. I become quiet and withdrawn and tend to find an area where I'm able to be by myself. I feel awkward and stupid, depressed and anxious. I want nothing more than to leave the situation, to curl up in a ball and not exist, but often times I can't.

Take last night for example. We went to a friend's daughter's graduation party. Of course, to make things worse, it was after I worked a full 12 hour shift. But we go, and as we drive there, the closer we get, the more anxious I get. We arrive and I'm instantly overwhelmed by the size of the place and by the fact that I really don't know anyone other than our friend and his wife. I tried making small talk with a few people, I did, but I was at a loss for words so I went and sat down away from people. I did my best not to interact with anyone other than my hubby and our son. I did better than I thought I was going to do but it was all still just too much.

So back to tonight. Our neighbors invited us over to the block party. I was still exhausted from last night and couldn't imagine interacting with people and putting on the mask that I'm a normal person, so I opted to stay home. But staying home carries it's own drawbacks. See, now I feel left out. I feel like an outcast, like a loser, like I'm less than human. I feel empty and alone. I've had these feelings since our very good friends abandoned us because of my illness but the feelings become more pronounced in situations such as these. And I don't know what to do. I want human interaction but at the same time it's completely draining and exhausting and anxiety provoking to the point of making me want to curl  up into myself and die. So what do I do?

I guess this is something I really need to bring up with my therapist. The fact that I haven't before is pretty unbelievable. And kind of stupid on my part. Oh well. I know what our next session will be about. Too bad it's not for 2.5 weeks. 

5/21/18

Well hello there. I'm not quite sure how to write what I want to say. My brain is in a bit of a jumble right now. Racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts . . . it's a mess. Anyway, I was feeling a bit depressed again yesterday, just not right. I wanted to not exist and those feelings have carried over to today.

Yay. Go me.

But I had decided that I was going to do things today, namely, cleaning the house and working out before taking my son to school. I had decided last Friday that I would clean today, period. But when I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed. Just sleep. Sleep as long as I possibly could before taking Ayden to school. What did I do? I got my lazy ass out of bed and got on my spin bike for 20 minutes. That, my friends, is a solid win.

But lets talk about the cleaning. On a normal day the task seems daunting. I mean, there's a lot to do. And on a normal day I would break things down into steps and do things one by one, checking them off of my list as I went along. But on a depressed day? Oh no. It seems I'm incapable of doing this, no matter how hard I might try. Everything seems so overwhelming that I want to just sit and stare at the wall.

See that's a thing I think people don't get about bipolar disorder. My brain functions differently when I'm depressed (when I'm manic too) than when I'm "normal" or stable. I can't control these changes (if I could, I would). When I'm depressed everything slows down. It takes me longer to process information. It's like walking through waist high mud. And incoming information has to compete with my negative self talk, not an easy task.

Today though, today I was on a mission. My ass got up and got on that spin bike. I was going to get shit done!

Or so I thought.

Well, I got a little bit done, but not as much as I wanted. Why? I was overwhelmed. My brain was working against me. I did about half of what I had planned. I'm hoping to do the rest on Thursday. Maybe my brain will cooperate with me then.

And I didn't really write everything I wanted to. Because my brain is an asshole.

5/19/18

So you know, I've been pretty stable over the last month, except when I haven't been. I've been mostly stable, with a couple little blips here and there.

Damn you know what? This is completely off subject but I'm sitting here on my couch and the heat just kicked on and it smells like my damn dog. Like my icky dog's scent is coming out of the vents. How gross is that? Now the whole house smells like my dog. Ugh.

Anyway, back to these blips.

I had one dysphoric hypomanic blip that only lasted a day. Thank goodness, cause I'm a real bitch when I'm like that. Then, last Saturday night I apparently forgot to take my pills. No big deal, right?

Wrong.

I worked on Sunday, Mother's Day, and I was horribly depressed. Like hiding, sobbing uncontrollably, cutting myself, suicidal thoughts . . . it was bad. All for forgetting to take my pills one freaking night. This whole past week I've been recovering from that little episode. And it's been harder than I thought. But I'm doing it, slowly but surely.

On a plus note, I've taken care of some really awesome patients. I'm thinking I'm going to start writing about them. We'll see how that goes.