Saturday 8/29/20 - Well Damn

 Only a few days since my last post. Kinda weird, eh? Yeah. I'm having an off day today. Very cranky, a little down, a lot frustrated. See, the past 2 months I've been feeling damn good. Happy and content and good. And today . . . I'm not. And it really is very frustrating. Now, I know my moods are going to fluctuate. I know this. But that doesn't mean I want them to. Why can't I just be rainbows and sunshine all the time? Why do I have to have off days?

When I have an off day I think my depression is coming back. That all the hard work I put into doing my program isn't working. And that scares me. And tends to compound my bad mood. I start a spiral. A downward spiral. And this is not a good thing. It brings me back to my old habits. Habits I'm trying to lose. 

I made myself take a break today. Instead of going out with my hubby and son I stayed home and took a nap. It was a short nap, but it was a nap. Then I went through all my notes from the program, really studied them and thought about them. And those two things helped. A bit. I'm better now than I was earlier today. I was seeing darkness earlier today and now I'm not. Or at least not as much. Which is why I felt the need to write. 

Ugh. I just want to be perpetually better. Where I don't have to think about it, where I don't have to try so damn hard. I know I'll get there . . . eventually.  I just wish I was there now. Oh well.

In other news, I saw the endodontist on Wednesday and had a root canal done. Delightful. Actually, the root canal itself isn't all that bad - he numbed me up good so that I didn't feel a thing. But now my tooth aches and I can't chew on my left side and if I accidentally clench down I get sharp zingers of pain. I still have to get my permanent crown place which will hopefully be done on Tuesday. Until then it's aches and zingers and chewing on my right side. It's really not that much fun.

Tuesday 8/25/20 Wow

 Wow you guys. It's been awhile since I last posted. I've noticed something - when I'm not depressed I have less of a tendency to write, both on my blog and in my personal mood journal. I write daily in my mood journal and I've noticed some days I'm forgetting, or I hardly write anything. I guess this is a good sign. 

I believe in my last post I wrote about decreasing my lithium dose. Well, by the end of the week I'll be completely off of lithium! My doc still doesn't know this, as I don't see him until September 14th. But I'm feeling better! The tremors are almost gone, the swelling in my ankles and feet is quite a bit less, and my libido is coming back! And no sign of hypomania! Definitely a win!

In other news, I cracked a tooth a couple of weeks ago. I have no idea how. It just started hurting. One of my back molars. Went to the dentist and yup. Cracked. I see the endodontist tomorrow and will probably be having a root canal done. So much fun! I know you're jealous! 

There's nothing much else going on. I'm just so grateful that I'm feeling better! My plan is to go back to full time by January, as long as I'm still doing well (I'm working part-time right now). The extra income would help so much. And I feel I'm up to the challenge!

Not much else going on. Oh! Ayden (my kid) started school yesterday (8th grade), all online thanks to stupid coronavirus. I'm hoping he's actually able to learn something. He was bummed that he doesn't get to go to school. He's all for in person learning. Oh well, what can you do. 

Sunday 8-9-20 Depression and Lithium

 Hello my little weirdos! How's it going this lovely Sunday? It's sunny here in Colorado, supposed to be around 95 degrees today (have I mentioned I'm ready for fall?). I don't like it ridiculously hot - 75 with a breeze is perfect. But we don't always get what we want, do we? That's okay though, this is better than snow.

So things have been pretty status quo with me. There's nothing terribly new to report . . . I'm still doing very well, still feeling stable and happy and positive. One thing has changed though: the longer I go with feeling good, the more a small part of me misses the depression. How fucked up is that?? I still have little dipity dos here and there, and when I do, part of me embraces them and tries to hold on. I hate this. I hate this so much. I understand why - I'm so used to being depressed that that's what makes the most sense to me. But understanding it doesn't mean I have to like it. 

I'm working to squelch this part of me. I don't want to be drawn to depression. At all. Ever. I'm using all the tools I learned doing my program. I'm recognizing this as a part of me and working to let it go. Because how awful would it be if I managed to self sabotage and get bad again. Nope. We're not doing that. 

In other news, in my last post I mentioned that I'm decreasing my Lithium dose. I've been on 900mg (instead of 1350mg) for about 3 weeks now (that's 3 pills down to 2). I've noticed my tremors aren't quite as bad, my ankle swelling isn't as bad, and I've had no mood changes. So, I'm going to be going down to one pill. I'll do it a little more gradually - every other day. So last night I took 2, tonight I'll take one, tomorrow 2, and so on. For one to two weeks and then I'll stay at one pill. My goal is to get off of the Lithium. I've been on it for 6 or 7 years and it would be nice to get rid of one medication. We'll see how it goes I guess. I'm sure Dr. M won't be pleased with me (he doesn't know I'm doing this). But I don't have to worry about that until September when I see him again. 

There's not too much else going on. Work is busy. We delivered 25 babies in 24 hours - a record for my hospital. It's pretty amazing, really. I'm trying to pick up extra shifts  to prepare me for hopefully going back to full time in January. 

I'm feeling uninspired art wise lately. I'm going to try and come up with some ideas this week. That's my goal. At least 2 ideas. And then execute them. Hopefully I can live up to that.