Monday 1/24/22 Well, it's Monday

 Would you look at that! It's Monday already. And it's not too shabby of a day, either. Mainly because I'm home and not at work today. Speaking of work, I go back this Thursday after having 11 days off. Thanks Covid! In all reality, I had taken a day of vacation this week so I would have 5 days off in a row, but then had to miss all 3 shifts last week due to having covid. So 11 days off in a row. It's been nice (for the most part - when I wasn't sick as sick can be). But Thursday . . . back to the grind. 

I'm honestly not looking forward to going back. Being off has made me realize just how burnt out I am. I mean, my cuticles are healed! (I pick at my cuticles when I'm stressed/anxious/depressed). My mood has been a bit better during this time off - even when I was actively sick. I haven't been as down or depressed or anxious or overwhelmed. It's actually amazing. But now I'm going back and I'm wondering how that's going to make me feel. If everything will come crashing down again. I know. A very pessimistic view. I can't help it. 

It also makes me wonder if I need a change of pace at work. I've been doing bedside nursing for almost 16 years. Maybe I need a change? Except, what would a change look like? Working at an office? Yuck! I'm so used to doing three 12 hour shifts I'm not sure how I'd handle five 8's. Quite honestly I don't want to. So maybe a different area? But where? I KNOW I don't want to do anything med/surg related. My only other area of interest is psych. Which everyone thinks would be too triggering for me. Including my psychiatrist and therapist. 

So what do I do to get out of this work related rut I'm in? Ahhhh, that's the question, isn't it? And I have no idea. I'm thinking I'm going to have to schedule myself vacation days here and there so I have extra time off. That's the only thing I can really think of. I don't know what else to do. An actual vacation might be nice, but I don't see one happening anytime in the near future (since we're saving up for Japan). So what do I do . . . . ?

I spent some time drawing today, which was nice. Now I have 6 drawings I need to paint. I'll have a lot of artwork to bring to my next therapy appointment! Which, sadly, is not until a week from Thursday (Feb. 3rd). That will be 5 weeks between appointments (I had to cancel last week since I had covid). Oh well. What can you do?

I guess I don't have much of anything else going on. Is that a good or a bad thing?  

Wednesday 1/19/22 Ugh

 So yesterday I had a rapid covid test and I was still covid positive. Which means no work for me today. I could potentially go back Friday. But I may call off. We'll see. Otherwise it's 5 days off, work Friday, 5 days off. I may just want that extra day off. . . Overall though, covid isn't too bad. Like a bad cold. You know: congestion, cough, headache, chills, body aches . . . But the fatigue. Oh man the fatigue!! I have no energy. Lethargic. Just completely wiped out. That's the worst part about it. 

And yesterday I actually had a decent day mood wise. Like, I was able to laugh a bit, joke around, and be myself. It was nice. I even started thinking hey! Maybe my depression is lifting!

And then today happened.

I woke up feeling pretty darn down. I've stayed pretty darn down. And it makes me angry. And annoyed. And upset. And there's nothing I can do about it. I managed to shower, but I didn't wash my hair. And I didn't put on any makeup. I couldn't be bothered with it. That's the depression side of me taking over (not the covid tired side). Because yesterday I showered, did my hair and put on make up, even though I was covid tired. But today . . . no. And that sucks. 

And, I might as well get it out there, my mom keeps calling me. Every day. Drunk. Acting as though ME having covid is one  of the worst things  to ever happen to her. Yeah. She's acting as though I'm critically ill and is throwing herself a pity party about how horrific it is and about how I have to get better and oh by-the-way maybe she has covid too because she had a sinus infection a week ago and the antibiotics are making her nauseous. Seriously. I'm FUCKING OVER IT. She's making MY being sick all about HER. I'm tired of listening to her, I'm tired of dealing with her, and I'm not answering the phone anymore. I don't need to listen to her whine about what my symptoms are anymore. I'm done. I'm fucking done. 

In other news, I'm washing all the bedding today. Because clean bedding is awesome. 

That is all.

Sunday 1/16/22 Covid

 It was just a matter of time before covid hit my household. With me being a nurse and my son going to public school . . . yeah. Just a matter of time. 

Ayden started with a stomach ache last Tuesday. He missed school Tuesday and Wednesday because of it. We were thinking food poisoning from tainted fish because he had no other symptoms. He went to school Thursday only to come home early with headache, nausea, chills, and feeling dizzy. Jer (hubby), took him for a covid test which came back positive this morning.

Yesterday I went to work with chest congestion, a slight cough and mild headache. Didn't really think anything of it. I texted Jer around 10 asking how he was doing and he said he was sick with chills, headache, etc. 

Uh oh.

I still decided it was nothing, but I was getting progressively worse as the day went on. So I called in sick for today just to be safe and of course Ayden's test came back positive. Jer and I got tested today and I'm sure we'll both be positive too. Turns out I have to be tested again by my work on Tuesday. Joy. Those nasal swabs tickle!

Overall I'm not feeling too bad. My headache this morning was awful, but some cold medicine and coffee helped that. I'm congested and coughing and the fatigue is no joke. But overall I'd say not too bad. Thank God. 

And, thankfully, my mood hasn't been too bad. I'm a little withdrawn, flat, meh, but not overly depressed (at least the last 3 days). So that's a win too. Because the last thing I need is to be depressed while I'm sick. That would be the worst. 

Wednesday 12/23/20 Christmas is Coming

 Christmas is coming. In two days. It certainly doesn't feel like Christmas this year. But let's be honest - it's been a fucked up year. With Covid, the election, riots . . . it's truly been a fucked up year. One that I am very glad is over soon. 

I don't often get in the Christmas spirit - it's not my holiday - but this year is especially bad. We didn't put up our tree, there's no decorations up anywhere in the house, and I'm not even sure we've finished all of our shopping - and yes, Christmas is in 2 days! It all seems very unreal. Maybe even surreal. I don't even know.

For once, in like the past five years, I actually have Christmas off. I work Christmas eve, but have the actual day off. And we can't do anything because of Covid. There will be no visiting of family, no Christmas brunch at my mom's house, no going to Brighton to see hubs' family. There will be ridiculously early church service and that's about it. Which sucks. And I didn't realize how much it sucks until writing this out. 

But Christmas will come and go, we'll move on, and pray that things will soon return to "normal". And by "normal" I mean a pre-covid state. But who knows when that will happen.

In an attempt to being cheerful I painted this festive little crow:

He's very cute in his festive hat. I like him.

In other news, my sister-in-law may have covid and my brother rather abruptly quit his job. Neither of these things are good. Apparently my brother - who worked at a pawn shop - got in an altercation with some customers who refused to put on masks. He, I guess, got so pissed that he walked out. Quit. Right then and there. He's done this before, and really, it's not good. He won't talk to me about it at all. We hardly talk anymore anyway - he's become somewhat of a recluse. He has depression and anxiety and refuses to get help for it. Smokes pot all day every day instead. Which, if I'm being honest, infuriates me. He has such potential, he just fails to see it. 

Anyway, I should probably end on a positive note, right? Let's see . . . something positive . . . Um, well, my mood is still hanging in there. I'm still stable and relatively happy (I say relatively because I'm a little bummed out about Christmas and overwhelmed by everything). I'm working full time again and it's going well for me. The extra money, of course, is helpful as well. And I may have enough money saved up to get my tattoo! So yeah. Positivity. Boom.

Friday 12/18/20 Covid Vaccine and Stuff

 Well it's Friday again. Another week has gone by. And nothing terribly exciting has happened. I painted some bookmarks, a couple of paintings (which I'll share below), worked (it's been busy), and got the first dose of the Covid vaccine. 

Wait, what? The covid vaccine? Yep. I got the first dose of it Wednesday night after I got off work. I get my second dose January 7th (I hear the side effects of the second dose can be pretty bad). The side effects for this first dose weren't too bad: arm soreness where I got the shot, and some minor body aches, headache, and sore throat. That went away after several hours. I was nervous to get it. I mean, yeah there was a test sample of 40,000 people, but we don't know any long term side effects of this vaccine. A vaccine that was developed insanely rapidly. But talking with fellow nurses helped calm my fears and I decided that if I can do something to protect myself - that will ultimately help protect my family - then I need to do it. So I got the vaccine. Hopefully I won't get some weird cancer in 2 years or something. 

Working full time is so far working well for me. And the extra money of course is nice. We were busy this past week and I didn't have to float to another unit which is always stellar. I work again tomorrow but I'm primary nursery, so no floating for me tomorrow either. I enjoy not floating. 

I seriously don't know what else to write about. Writing comes so naturally when I'm feeling like shit. But when I'm well, I'm at a loss for words. It kind of sucks because I enjoy writing but my life is pretty freaking boring. I don't really go anywhere other than work and grocery shopping - thanks covid. We're not going on any adventures or anything. It's too cold to go on walks or hiking. So yeah. Boring. Nothing going on. 

But, without further adieu, here's my two paintings I did:

A judgmental pigeon

He's judging you. Harshly.

And a mountain bluebird

Well there you have it. Another week in the boring life of me. Yay.

Friday 12/11/20 Thoughts and Hummingbirds

 It's been a busy week at work. I'm working full time again (three 12-hour shifts a week) and I don't think my body is quite used to it. Especially considering how busy it was. I floated to another unit on Monday - 6th floor rehab. And I worked my ass off. I was helping hands, meaning I was helping get people up, emptying foleys, passing out trays, picking up trays, changing beds, doing vital signs, and answering call lights. It's a different kind of busy than I'm used to. When I work on mom/baby I'm taking care of healthy, capable moms and their babies - not people that can't get to the toilet without 2-3 people helping them. Makes me appreciate my job so much more. But it was a good day. 

And then Wednesday I was in nursery and we did 12 deliveries - 7 of them in 2 hours. It was crazy and nonstop. Yesterday I was nursery again and thankfully it wasn't as busy - only 5 deliveries and they spaced out nicely. 

And through it all my mood has remained good! Which is amazing! I've felt like I've been coming down with something though. I've had a headache for 2 weeks, a cough, some sneezing, fatigue, and sinus pressure. I was exposed to Covid on Thanksgiving and I know some people think I have a mild case of it. I don't know. I hope not. Hubby and son haven't gotten sick and I've been around them daily without a mask so . . . 

I've been getting some custom orders. I just finished an order for 7 hummingbird bookmarks:

I'm going to need to start raising my prices. I charged $3 each for these and they were more work than $21. But the person is my sister's hubby's aunt, so I gave them a break. But from now on prices are going up. 

Anyway, that's it. Things are pretty boring here. Nothing really new or exciting. 
 

Thursday 12/3/20 Doc appt and a Christmas Fox

 Let's just get down to it.

I had an appointment yesterday with a urologist for urodynamic testing because I'm having trouble peeing (probably TMI, you're welcome). So yeah, especially at night, sometimes it takes several minutes of sitting on the toilet before I can actually go. Which is freaking annoying, to say the least. So I saw a urologist and she recommended this test. Urodynamic testing, in case you don't know, consists of putting a catheter in the urethra and in the rectum (along with several electrodes) to measure muscle contractility and some other stuff (like strength of your stream, how much you pee after your bladder is filled, etc). Let me tell you, it's uncomfortable. 

So they insert the catheters and begin filling my bladder with water. They fill it until I feel like I can't absolutely hold it for any longer and have to pee. Then they have you pee around the catheter. Which is actually kind of difficult to do because 1. you're peeing around a catheter, 2. you're not peeing into an actual toilet, and 3. because I have trouble peeing. So I wasn't able to pee much and what I did go I had to force out. But, thankfully, the urologist was able to get the info she needed from the test. And what did we find out? My bladder muscle is weak and isn't contracting like it should, making it difficult for me to pee and to empty my bladder. Fantastic. And she had a theory as to why this is happening - my Wellbutrin. 

I was started on Wellbutrin last June or July and started having trouble peeing in August. Apparently, antidepressants can cause the bladder muscle to weaken and not contract. So I have four options: 1. try going off my Wellbutrin and see if this helps, 2. go on another medication that could help me pee (only works in about 50% of people), 3. straight cath myself instead of actually peeing (um, NO), or 4. have surgery to implant a stimulator that forces my bladder to contract so I can pee. I'm choosing to try going off my Wellbutrin and see if that helps. I see my psychiatrist on the 14th and I'll talk to him about it then. To be honest, I'm scared to death to go off the Wellbutrin because I've been doing so well and I don't want to backslide mood wise. But I also don't want to go on another medication - especially if it only works in 50% of people - and I certainly don't want to cath myself or have surgery. I probably couldn't even have the surgery if I wanted it because of covid. 

So yeah. I'm going to try going off of Wellbutrin, as scary as that is. And I'll pray that I don't backslide and that it actually helps with being able to pee. Ugh. My body and brain hate me. 

In other news, I painted a fox with a santa hat and people really liked it. Enough so that I painted 3 more of the same picture because people were wanting it and I don't have a print shop as of right now. 

The original painting is the one in the upper left. The other three are my copycats. Pretty darn good, yeah? So I need to find a print shop so that I can make prints of my popular paintings, and I need to start charging more for the originals. Because I can't keep doing this. It's just dumb. 

Oh yeah - and at work now it's mandatory for us to float to other units to help out. We've never had to float before and it's a little nerve wracking. I haven't done med/surg nursing in 13 years. As of right now we're only supposed to be "helping hands" - meaning we're not supposed to take an assignment. But that could all change depending on how high the covid numbers get. I'm not looking forward to this, but I'm also not letting it ruin my mood. It is what it is, even if it's scary. 

Tuesday 8/25/20 Wow

 Wow you guys. It's been awhile since I last posted. I've noticed something - when I'm not depressed I have less of a tendency to write, both on my blog and in my personal mood journal. I write daily in my mood journal and I've noticed some days I'm forgetting, or I hardly write anything. I guess this is a good sign. 

I believe in my last post I wrote about decreasing my lithium dose. Well, by the end of the week I'll be completely off of lithium! My doc still doesn't know this, as I don't see him until September 14th. But I'm feeling better! The tremors are almost gone, the swelling in my ankles and feet is quite a bit less, and my libido is coming back! And no sign of hypomania! Definitely a win!

In other news, I cracked a tooth a couple of weeks ago. I have no idea how. It just started hurting. One of my back molars. Went to the dentist and yup. Cracked. I see the endodontist tomorrow and will probably be having a root canal done. So much fun! I know you're jealous! 

There's nothing much else going on. I'm just so grateful that I'm feeling better! My plan is to go back to full time by January, as long as I'm still doing well (I'm working part-time right now). The extra income would help so much. And I feel I'm up to the challenge!

Not much else going on. Oh! Ayden (my kid) started school yesterday (8th grade), all online thanks to stupid coronavirus. I'm hoping he's actually able to learn something. He was bummed that he doesn't get to go to school. He's all for in person learning. Oh well, what can you do. 

Monday 6/15/20 Therapy

Hey there! How are y'all doing today? All of my 2 readers of this blog . . . I hope your day is splendid!

Mine, on the other hand, is not splendid. It's not terrible, but it's not splendid - not by a long shot. It's been rough. I knew it would be when I got up. Just woke up with this heaviness on my chest, in my heart and in my head. I just knew.

But I went about getting ready for the day - you know, hair, makeup, all that jazz. Well, I was almost finished when my phone rang. It was my therapist. I was supposed to have therapy at 9am - it was 8:10. My stomach sank. He's cancelling, I thought. I answered. He had a scheduling conflict and needed to reschedule . . . luckily he had an opening at one. I, of course, took it.

I had breakfast, coffee, and went downstairs to work on a painting I started last week. My emptiness was overwhelming. The depression crushing me but I carried on as if everything was okay. Hubby was working from home today and I didn't want him to worry. I didn't want to be a burden.

Let's skip ahead to therapy, shall we?

I started by telling Mike that I've not been doing well. That I'm struggling. I told him how yesterday I had an okay day but when I woke up this morning I knew. I told him about starting on Wellbutrin (we talked about my appointment with Dr. M as well). Then I had him read Saturday's blog post. We talked at length about it. I cried. Quite a bit. I'm not ashamed of that, I just didn't want to do it. I don't really like crying in front of people. Even Mike or my hubby. But boy did I.

We talked about my emptiness and how I'm trying to fill it (spirituality, relationships, books, clothes . . .). I feel I should specify relationships: I'm trying to strengthen my current relationships. I'm not whoring myself out. So stop thinking that. :) Anyway, Mike really emphasized how relationships and love are central, because the world kinda sucks and is full of suffering. Oh, gee, thanks. The world sucks huh? I knew this already though, just based on what I've gone through in my life.

So yeah, relationships and love. Got it. Spirituality can also be very important, which, yeah, I knew. That's why I'm trying to increase/expand my spirituality. Which is hard since I was never exposed to religion growing up. I've made up my own beliefs. But I'm working on this.

Honestly, none of this made me feel that much better. I mean, knowing I'm on the right path helps, I guess, but I still feel this empty void in me. And it makes me so tired. I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm just fucking tired.

We talked a little about the state of the country/world as well because that  can be stressful to be constantly bombarded with. (For future reference, I'm referring to the Covid-19 pandemic and the protests/riots for black lives matter). All of that crap. It can make one weary and I know it definitely affects me a little bit.

Therapy was difficult today. Hopefully that means it will prove to be helpful. Hopefully some nuggets of goodness are planted in the back of my head and they'll help me feel better. I'm praying for this. Maybe you could too.

Man this post seems to be a bunch of rambling. Oh well. It's good to purge. 

Monday 3/30/20

Another week since my last post, and two therapy sessions under my belt: one last Thursday and one today. Thursday's session was face timed, today was in person, which both M and I prefer. Why such frequent sessions? Well, because I'm falling apart, truthfully.

It's hard for me to describe how I feel right now. I'm nothingness. I'm empty, hollow, withdrawn, flat, fake, a husk . . . This is all more apparent when I'm at work. I'm distancing myself from people (and not just because of coronavirus, lol). No, I'm distancing myself because it takes too much out of me to interact with people. It feels like everything I do or say is a facade. My smiles and chuckles are not genuine. I'm putting up a front, putting out there what people want to see.

But that's not me.

I feel so alone and helpless and small. I'm just so empty. The only feelings I can seem to muster up are negative ones. I'm struggling to even find neutrality. It's so hard . . . feeling so empty and pretending to be happy, or even just okay.

I'm scared, too. Of a lot of things right now. I'm scared of the current state of the world. I'm scared at work - of being exposed, of having to float to another unit. I'm scared of my own mind - I know how dark it can get in there.

Things seem bleak right now.

M helped me today to see the good, see the light. I don't know if it's too little too late. My mind is already a snarled tomb of negativity.

I'm trying though. I'm trying. I'm writing this out, I'll go on a walk today, maybe I'll even draw (I don't know what - I have no motivation or inspiration, but maybe). M wants me to work on my book. I looked through my writing for my book and realized I haven't worked on it for two years. Two years. Holy cow. I wouldn't even know where to start, how to start. With a single word, I guess. That's what M says.

So here I sit, depressed as hell, whining on the internet, not being positive at all. I should really change that. All of that. 

Monday 3/23/20

It's been a week since my last post. Things have changed. My son's school is closed at least until April 17th, but probably for the rest of the school year. The "dine-in" portion of all restaurants are closed - you can only get take out. Gyms, movie theaters, bars, tattoo parlors, hair salons, spas . . . all closed. Our governor is call for a 50% reduction in workforce of all "non-essential" personnel. Everyone is to stay inside, social distancing they call it.

I, being a nurse, am "essential". And I have been working more. I picked up an extra shift this week (tomorrow) and am on call today in addition to my regular shifts. Next week, so far, I've picked up an extra call shift. We've been busy. Lots of people having babies for some reason. We haven't had a coronavirus patient on my floor yet (that I'm aware of), but I know we do on the med/surg floor and ICU. I'm thankful that I work where I work and I'm hoping we don't see too many pregnant ladies with covid-19. I'm also hoping we don't get pulled to work other floors. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't know what I'm doing. This is one of my biggest fears right now. I pray it doesn't come to fruition.

Depression and anxiety are running rampant through me right now. I'm fighting, struggling, to keep them both at bay. All I can do right now is suppress them, which I know is not good. They're both bubbling up, right under the surface. I'm supposed to have therapy on Thursday, but I'm not sure if it will be happening. I haven't heard anything from M yet as to it being cancelled, but the week is still young. For his safety and for mine he very well may cancel. I'm hoping not. I could really use it right now. And, if I'm being honest, I'm very pissed that I can't go get a haircut right now. I have a pixie cut and I could really use a trim. I'm going to look awful when they can potentially open up at the end of April. First world problems, I know. But little things like a fresh haircut keep me going. I need little things right now to keep me going.

Oh well. I have a feeling all of this is going to get much worse before it gets better. 

Monday 3/16/20

Wow. A lot can change in 3 short days. Unless you're living under a rock you know about covid-19 sweeping the world. When last I wrote, 3 short days ago, I was very nonchalant about covid-19. But I'm not nonchalant anymore. My son's school is closed at least through the end of March, possibly longer. Hell, all the schools are closed. Grocery stores are bare, people are fighting over toilet paper. It's other worldly. It's hard to believe.

But I went grocery shopping yesterday for a few staples . . . three stores before I could find a loaf of bread. A loaf of fucking bread. The shelves are literally bare. Everyone is panic buying and hoarding. I was in a state of disbelief.

We all know this, we've all seen this happening in our own towns. So why am I mentioning it? Because any good my TMS session did for me is being completely undone. Undone by stress and fear and anxiety. Yesterday and today I'm having a hard time coping and functioning. My anxiety is rearing its ugly head after it being absent for so long. This underlying current is constantly there, almost making me sick to my stomach. You know that butterflies in your stomach feeling? Imagine having it all the time. Imagine a tremor in your hands, jaw clenched, sense of dread or impending doom all the time. I can't control it. It's just there. It's not obvious to anyone else (at least I don't think so). I'm working so hard to hide it and that is exhausting me.

And what comes with anxiety for me? What goes hand in hand? Depression. Depression does. And I've been feeling it again. After starting to feel okay again last week, depression is sneaking back in. It's insidious. It's taking advantage of my current situation.

And you guys, I can't do this. There's no end in sight. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't. I'm trying so hard. But I have so many fears swirling in my fucked up head right now. Like, I mean, I'm a nurse. What if we start seeing covid-19 cases in my hospital and I have to float to other floors to help out? I won't know what the hell I'm doing! I take care of well newborns and their mothers! Not sick people. And what if we don't have supplies? My hospital is already rationing masks. What if someone in my family gets sick? What if I get sick? What if we run out of food? What if shipments stop coming? What if I can't get my meds? What if I can't get gas? What if we actually run out of toilet paper?

All these thoughts and more are circling my head constantly. I'm having a hard time concentrating. On anything. I want to read, distract myself, get lost in a story . . . and I just can't. I can't concentrate. My brain won't shut up. The only relief I get is from napping. Only then does it shut up.

But I'm trying not to do that. Sleeping all the time isn't healthy and only reinforces the depression aspect of this. WTF. Seriously.

I need this to stop. I need things to go back the way they were before. God help me.