It's been awhile between writings again, hasn't it? To be honest, there really isn't anything that exciting going on in my life. My hubby, son, and I went and cut down our Christmas tree yesterday, that's about as exciting as it gets.
I didn't really want to be writing this as I feel like a broken record. I'm saying the same thing again and again and it gets old. What is it I'm talking about? Depression. Yeah. It seems to be creeping back in. Right now I'm at the "not feeling" point. I'm not really experiencing emotions . . . except for anger. I'm really good at experiencing anger. Go me. I'm feeling withdrawn and empty and hollow and down. I feel like I'm the shell of the person I should be. I'm just kind of . . . lost. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying desperately not to be. I force myself to interact with coworkers at work. And not just interact - I put on the show that I'm okay by joking and laughing and being present. I just don't feel any of it, it all feels fake and insincere, and the whole time I'm secretly wishing I could be by myself. But I really fucking try. I've had coworkers and patients even comment on how I look "tired" or don't "seem myself". Yeah, well, you don't know the half of it.
At home I try to stay engaged and talk and joke but I just have a hard time. Hubby and son tend to be more forgiving and I can act like more of myself around them but I still try not to. I don't want to put them through another depression.
I've been having feelings of not wanting to exist. Not necessarily die, but rather not exist. Coupled with that are feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness. This has been going on a little over a week.
Now, I'm going to call this depression mild for now because it's not crippling and I'm managing it rather well I think. It's just that I don't want to have to manage it. I want to just be okay with an occasional bad day here and there. And I certainly don't want it to get worse, which is what I'm worried about.
But seriously - broken record. Does anyone even care about this? Any of my maybe 2 or 3 readers? Oh well, whatever.
