Friday 10/30/20 I'm Cranky. Again.

 You read that right. I was cranky last Friday, and now I'm cranky again. It's rather annoying. I know what part of the reason is: I slept horribly last night. I woke up 4 times on my own and my dog woke me up another 2 times to go out. So yeah - not good sleep. And then Moya (my dog) wouldn't let me sleep in. She was in my face whining at 7:20. I was not pleased. 

But then the crankiness just sort of continued. Little things that shouldn't piss me off are pissing me off. The top of my yoga pants keeps rolling down, I have laundry to put away, dishes in the sink to do, my tooth still hurts, my skin is dry, I don't like my hair today, my socks sit too low on my ankle . . . and on top of it all I'm tired. 

Today is lame.

And I feel a little down and lost today. Not much - but a little. Which also annoys me because I don't want to feel like this. 

I did, however, paint something the other day that I'm pretty proud of:

This cutie elk with her magpie friend. I think it came out pretty damn good. 

Yesterday I painted another magpie, and today I did two magpie paintings (both of which are tattoo concept paintings). I've finally decided on my next tattoo! It'll be two magpies (in the nursery rhyme, it's two for joy). So I'm busy coming up with concepts. Now I just have to save up enough money to get it done. . . and convince hubby that I need it. I'm sure I can do that. 

Anyway, other than being cranky, things aren't too bad. And that's good. 

Friday 10/23/20 I'm Cranky

 You read that right. I'm a little ball of crankiness. Everything is annoying me. Even my annoyance of things is annoying me. How stupid is that? I'll tell you - it's pretty stupid. And there's no reason for it. I woke up like this. Granted, I didn't sleep well, but that's no excuse for this tornado of fury that I am. Oy. 

I've been doing some painting lately. Quite a bit, actually. And have sold some paintings. Which is nice. I need money to fuel my taxidermy habit. No, really.

Anyway, overall I've been doing okay. Some slips and dips, but they are seemingly short lived. It's been a long week though. I worked last Sunday and I don't work again until tomorrow. Five days off in a row with not much to do. So it's been a long week. I can only paint for so long. And I haven't wanted to read. I can't seem to focus long enough to do so. But overall, I'm okay.

Until today.

Today I had to wake up in raging bitch mode for some reason. I'm able to keep it under wraps at least. I mean, I'm not lashing out at hubs or son or anything. But I'm so angry at some times that I almost break down sobbing. I hope this passes soon.

In other news, I went back to the endodontist who did my root canal because my tooth still hurts (2 months after said root canal). His answer was, "lets just wait longer and see what happens." Like, 4 months longer. Seriously. He said that my body is basically being an asshole and fighting the root canal with a prolonged inflammatory response. Oh goody. Can't I just have some part of my body function normally?? So I'm waiting another 4 months and then I go back and see him. If my tooth still hurts, we pull it. That's some bullshit right there. But, what can I do. Take ibuprofen, chew on my right side, and hope it gets better I guess. 

Not much else going on. I always seem to be tired. I always want to nap. I don't know if it's from poor sleeping, depression symptoms, or both. I want to nap right now. I would if I could. 

Let's close with a picture though. That sounds nice, doesn't it?

 My motivational raccoon. He's cute. I like him. 

Thursday 10/15/20 Stuff and Stuff

 Welp, it's been a week since my last post and I'm happy to say I'm not struggling as much. I'm still feeling down, disinterested and withdrawn, but it's not as prominent? That's not the word I'm looking for. It's not as all encompassing. Or as bad, I should say. I guess. 

I haven't been sleeping all that well. I'm up about every hour - and not even because I have to pee! No, my brain is just being an asshole and waking me up. So I've felt pretty damn exhausted the past few days. I mean, if I'm not going to sleep, can I at least have some hypomania to go with it? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. Oh well. 

I've been painting a little more. Here's a couple of foxes I did:

 

Aren't they cute? The coffee one looks a little wonky to me. Like, he didn't look as wonky when he was just inked. But when I added watercolor he got wonky. That's okay though - I still love him. 

Here's a shout out to myself: both of these paintings (and others) are available in my Etsy shop!

I might as well toot my own horn, right?

Anyway, there's not really much of anything going on. My tooth I had a root canal in is still hurting after a month and a half so that sucks. I go back to the endodontist next Tuesday to have it looked at (my dentist doesn't know what to do about it). He said maybe steroid injections at the base of the tooth to stop inflammation while it heals. Boy doesn't that sound fun . . . or not. One of the two. 

So for now I guess I just keep plugging along, trying to sleep, and trying not to let my lower mood get to me. What more can I do?

Thursday 10/8/20 Therapy and art

Two postings in one week? Holy cow! What's up with that?

I'll tell you. I had therapy today. It's been 8 weeks since my last appointment, which is quite a long time. The longest I've gone between sessions. Which is kinda weird. It shows that I've been doing better, even though I feel like I'm slipping. 

Speaking of slipping, M and I talked about that quite a bit today. And how I'm too hard on myself (I feel like a failure for having bad days and I do tend to beat myself up over it). The thing is, we don't really have an action plan. Nothing new at least. I'm to just keep plugging along, powering through, using all of my skills and tools that I've learned to fight back. Which in and of itself is kind of depressing. Because I'm using all of my skills and still back sliding a bit. I even started tearing up a bit while talking. Because it just seems so hopeless and pointless that I get to do this for the rest of my life. 

And unfair. 

But life isn't fair, is it? No, it isn't. And that sucks. 

I'm trying my best to stay positive. I've been painting upbeat, motivational things. Like this little guy:

  My positive paintings have been a hit with friends, coworkers and strangers alike. I've sold quite a few different ones. And some days I feel it. I feel like I can do the thing. But other days . . . I'd rather just sleep to escape. Today is a bit of a sleep-to-escape day. But I'm going to try not to. I'm going to try to read and power through. 

This is not the start of a depressive episode. It's not. I will beat whatever little funk I am in and get back to feeling good. 

Tuesday 10/6/20 Double Ugh

 Hey there! How's everyone doing (all 2 of my readers)?

Let's just get down to it. I've been having a series of down days. Last week when I posted I had had three. Well, now I've had more than that. Like, pretty much every day. Ugh.

Now, they're not terrible days, and I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely down. I feel that black cloud looming. And I'm not okay with it. For 3 months I've been doing so well . . . and now, just . . . ugh. I have no motivation, no drive, no inspiration, no real desire to do anything. I'm forcing myself to draw and paint - because at least that's something. I want to read, but I can't focus. I've been napping. Which when I do it every day is never a good sign. 

I feel myself slipping into old thought patterns. I'm trying desperately not to. But I am none the less. I've been thinking I need to start re-watching the videos in the depression program I did. Maybe having it fresh in my mind would help. Because just reading my notes isn't really doing anything. And I have therapy this Thursday. It's been 8 weeks since my last session. Before, I felt like I didn't need it anymore - today? Yeah. I need it. Maybe I'll gain some insight. 

I feel like a failure. Hubs and I spent a lot of money for me to go through the depression program and now I'm slipping again. Back sliding. Was it truly a waste of money? A few weeks ago it didn't seem that way, but now . . . now I almost feel otherwise. It's like I'm doomed to keep getting depressed. I just can't seem to shake it off completely. 

I'm trying not to catastrophize what I'm feeling, but boy is it hard. I'm trying to stay positive and do all the tricks I learned in my program. I'm trying to keep busy. But it seems like it isn't quite enough.