I can't believe tomorrow is December. It's come up so fast. Christmas and then New Year's . . . man. I'm hoping 2019 will see us as home owners again. There's a good chance it will. Even so, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. We'll just have to see where the cards fall.
Yesterday and today have been especially dark. And it's weird because I wouldn't necessarily call myself "depressed". I don't really have the stereotypical symptoms of depression. So what am I feeling?
A whole lot of nothing. I feel so empty. Numb. Flat. I constantly feel on the verge of crying but I can't because there's no emotion behind it. I'm indifferent to everything. I don't care. I hate feeling like this. It's just as bad, if not worse, than feeling depressed. I'm just this husk, this shell of a person. It's no way to be.
I've been pretending that I'm okay, that I'm doing better, because I think people are tired of me not doing well. My illness is hard on other people too - especially hubby and son. So I've been pretending and I think I've gotten pretty good at it again. My coworkers seem to think that I'm doing good. But if they just saw the vacant stare . . . or picked up on how quiet I am . . .
I have therapy next Wednesday. It's been 3 weeks and I'm looking forward to a session. I need one. Three weeks is the longest I've gone in awhile. But I've been managing. Pretending. Going about my life like I'm an actual, feeling adult.
I want this to stop. I want to actually feel. Even if it's bad feelings. At least that's something.
Friday, November 30, 2018
Thursday, November 29, 2018
11/29/18
It's been awhile since I've written . . . 13 days or so. I have things I want to say and I can't seem to get them out. I can't seem to form a coherent thought. Which is so frustrating it's not even funny. So this is just a quick note to say that I'm still here, and I'm still struggling. I haven't been necessarily feeling outright depressed, but more empty. Empty is not fun. It's no place to be. I don't feel anything.
That's not entirely true. I feel anger and anxiety. Those two emotions are ever present.
I've gotten better again at faking happiness, so that people are none the wiser as to what's really going on. But it's hard not to feel. I don't like it.
That's not entirely true. I feel anger and anxiety. Those two emotions are ever present.
I've gotten better again at faking happiness, so that people are none the wiser as to what's really going on. But it's hard not to feel. I don't like it.
Friday, November 16, 2018
11/16/18
How many times I wished for change,
Gave up, gave in and called it fate,
Repeating all of the same mistakes,
Wasn't ready for what I'd find.
Whatever it is that turned the knife,
It was a long, long night . . .
-Guster, Long Night
This rings so true for me. In several aspects of my life, but most notably dealing with my bipolar disorder and my weight. In both these areas I wished for change countless times. I've given up, given in, only to start fighting again which leads to giving up again. I have repeated the same mistakes, over and over again, despite therapy, despite knowing what to do (just eat healthy and exercise, seriously wtf), and despite having support at every turn. I don't think I've been ready for what I'd find (stability and possible weight loss) for God knows what reason. I don't know.
Although that's not an entirely true statement. Weight loss doesn't scare me. Failing to lose weight is what scares me. What if I give it my all and I still don't lose? What then? I'm a big, fat failure. And that scares me into doing nothing and sabotaging myself. I've been picking up on my sabotaging, my binge eating (although my binges are small, they certainly add up). My lack of energy, enthusiasm, and motivation to do anything exercise related. Couple all of this with being on 3 medications that cause weight gain and you have a recipe for disaster.
I don't know what it was that turned the knife but I'm finally so sick of how I look and how I feel that I'm finally doing something about it. Finally. After 3 years of constant weight gain (75 pounds to be exact) I'm finally ready to do something about it.
I bet you thought this post was going to be about my bipolar, my depression, right? Sorry, not today love. I need to write about my weight. I need to get it out there. I need to be accountable and I feel getting it "down on paper" will help with that.
So what am I going to do differently? Well, for starters, I'm going to drastically cut down on refined sugar. My therapist suggested that I try the paleo diet but after researching it I know I can't be that drastic with my dietary changes. I'll fail. So I'm cutting down on sugar. I'm giving up soda - including diet soda, which was always my go to at work. I'm increasing the amount of fruits and veggies I eat, which shouldn't be too hard considering I already eat a lot as it is. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods rather than prepackaged processed foods, even though they are more convenient. Which means more nuts and seeds for snacks. I'm not giving up dairy because I love cheese so much, but I will be cutting down on it.
For movement I am going to try and go to the gym at least 3 days a week. Now that I'm over my blasted cold I plan on doing at least 20 minutes of cardio in addition to weight lifting. Cardio will have to start out slow for me as I am dreadfully out of shape. I ordered these workout DVDs that are 15 minute HIIT workouts that I intend to start doing 3 mornings a week. I would also like to start riding my spin bike again. All of this will start off slowly and build over time because 1. it sounds like a hell of a lot and 2. I'm so damn out of shape it's ridiculous. But that's the plan.
I'm not hoping to lose weight quickly. You know what? Fuck it. That's a lie. I would love to lose weight quickly but I know it's not going to happen that way. So slow weight loss it is. Slow and steady wins the race, right? So that's what we're hoping for.
What we're also hoping for is for my bipolar to cooperate. Because when I get really depressed it's like I can't work out. I can't even get out of bed sometimes, how am I going to get to the gym? And when I'm depressed? I eat. I try not to, but I eat. I eat to fill the void. Not a good setup for weight loss.
But this is where I'm at. Something turned the knife and I'm going to do this despite my depression and despite myself. I'm going to finally lose weight. Period.
Gave up, gave in and called it fate,
Repeating all of the same mistakes,
Wasn't ready for what I'd find.
Whatever it is that turned the knife,
It was a long, long night . . .
-Guster, Long Night
This rings so true for me. In several aspects of my life, but most notably dealing with my bipolar disorder and my weight. In both these areas I wished for change countless times. I've given up, given in, only to start fighting again which leads to giving up again. I have repeated the same mistakes, over and over again, despite therapy, despite knowing what to do (just eat healthy and exercise, seriously wtf), and despite having support at every turn. I don't think I've been ready for what I'd find (stability and possible weight loss) for God knows what reason. I don't know.
Although that's not an entirely true statement. Weight loss doesn't scare me. Failing to lose weight is what scares me. What if I give it my all and I still don't lose? What then? I'm a big, fat failure. And that scares me into doing nothing and sabotaging myself. I've been picking up on my sabotaging, my binge eating (although my binges are small, they certainly add up). My lack of energy, enthusiasm, and motivation to do anything exercise related. Couple all of this with being on 3 medications that cause weight gain and you have a recipe for disaster.
I don't know what it was that turned the knife but I'm finally so sick of how I look and how I feel that I'm finally doing something about it. Finally. After 3 years of constant weight gain (75 pounds to be exact) I'm finally ready to do something about it.
I bet you thought this post was going to be about my bipolar, my depression, right? Sorry, not today love. I need to write about my weight. I need to get it out there. I need to be accountable and I feel getting it "down on paper" will help with that.
So what am I going to do differently? Well, for starters, I'm going to drastically cut down on refined sugar. My therapist suggested that I try the paleo diet but after researching it I know I can't be that drastic with my dietary changes. I'll fail. So I'm cutting down on sugar. I'm giving up soda - including diet soda, which was always my go to at work. I'm increasing the amount of fruits and veggies I eat, which shouldn't be too hard considering I already eat a lot as it is. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods rather than prepackaged processed foods, even though they are more convenient. Which means more nuts and seeds for snacks. I'm not giving up dairy because I love cheese so much, but I will be cutting down on it.
For movement I am going to try and go to the gym at least 3 days a week. Now that I'm over my blasted cold I plan on doing at least 20 minutes of cardio in addition to weight lifting. Cardio will have to start out slow for me as I am dreadfully out of shape. I ordered these workout DVDs that are 15 minute HIIT workouts that I intend to start doing 3 mornings a week. I would also like to start riding my spin bike again. All of this will start off slowly and build over time because 1. it sounds like a hell of a lot and 2. I'm so damn out of shape it's ridiculous. But that's the plan.
I'm not hoping to lose weight quickly. You know what? Fuck it. That's a lie. I would love to lose weight quickly but I know it's not going to happen that way. So slow weight loss it is. Slow and steady wins the race, right? So that's what we're hoping for.
What we're also hoping for is for my bipolar to cooperate. Because when I get really depressed it's like I can't work out. I can't even get out of bed sometimes, how am I going to get to the gym? And when I'm depressed? I eat. I try not to, but I eat. I eat to fill the void. Not a good setup for weight loss.
But this is where I'm at. Something turned the knife and I'm going to do this despite my depression and despite myself. I'm going to finally lose weight. Period.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
11/6/18
Would you look at that! I blogged yesterday and I'm blogging again today. It's not very often that that happens. I usually have at least a couple of days in between.
Anyway, hubby asked me something last night that I really didn't know how to answer. I actually, kind of, well, lied. Only kind of though. I didn't totally lie, I guess. Of course, kind of lying is probably the same as regular lying when you really think about it.
So. Yeah. Hubby asked me if I had any optimism towards the future. And I answered him yes, not all the time but sometimes. The truth? The truth is that I really don't have any optimism towards the future. Well, maybe there are rare instances where I do. That's why my answer was only kind of a lie.
Him asking me that got me thinking though. How do I really feel about the future. I thought about it all night. I've been thinking about it today. And my view of the future is just so damn negative. It's hard for me to see any good in the future. And the sad thing is that I have an amazing husband, a wonderful son, and awesome friends, all of whom love me and care deeply about me. But all I see is chaos, depression, and uncertainty in my future.
See, I get to worry about all of the "normal" things (work, bills, retirement, the house, etc), but my bipolar disorder blows everything out of proportion and I overthink it to the extreme. Then I have to worry about my bipolar disorder itself (will my meds keep working, am I going to get worse, how will my memory be, will I eventually kill myself). This is all very depressing and exhausting and one of the reasons I try not to even think about the future. I try to stay in the present moment, in the here and now. It helps me get through my worst days and it helps keep good days good.
But seriously though. How horrible is this to have such a dreary outlook on the future? And I try not to! I really do! I try so hard to counter my negative thoughts with positive ones (in every aspect of my life), but it just doesn't seem to stick. My positive thoughts aren't strong enough to overpower the negative. I think that's just how I'm built. I think negativity is ingrained in my personality, which makes everything so much harder.
So. There you go. My "kind of" lie.
Anyway, hubby asked me something last night that I really didn't know how to answer. I actually, kind of, well, lied. Only kind of though. I didn't totally lie, I guess. Of course, kind of lying is probably the same as regular lying when you really think about it.
So. Yeah. Hubby asked me if I had any optimism towards the future. And I answered him yes, not all the time but sometimes. The truth? The truth is that I really don't have any optimism towards the future. Well, maybe there are rare instances where I do. That's why my answer was only kind of a lie.
Him asking me that got me thinking though. How do I really feel about the future. I thought about it all night. I've been thinking about it today. And my view of the future is just so damn negative. It's hard for me to see any good in the future. And the sad thing is that I have an amazing husband, a wonderful son, and awesome friends, all of whom love me and care deeply about me. But all I see is chaos, depression, and uncertainty in my future.
See, I get to worry about all of the "normal" things (work, bills, retirement, the house, etc), but my bipolar disorder blows everything out of proportion and I overthink it to the extreme. Then I have to worry about my bipolar disorder itself (will my meds keep working, am I going to get worse, how will my memory be, will I eventually kill myself). This is all very depressing and exhausting and one of the reasons I try not to even think about the future. I try to stay in the present moment, in the here and now. It helps me get through my worst days and it helps keep good days good.
But seriously though. How horrible is this to have such a dreary outlook on the future? And I try not to! I really do! I try so hard to counter my negative thoughts with positive ones (in every aspect of my life), but it just doesn't seem to stick. My positive thoughts aren't strong enough to overpower the negative. I think that's just how I'm built. I think negativity is ingrained in my personality, which makes everything so much harder.
So. There you go. My "kind of" lie.
Monday, November 5, 2018
11/5/18
I'm not sure, but maybe, just maybe, this current bout of depression is winding down. I'm hoping this is the case. I'm praying this is the case. Because that would be so amazing. So amazing to feel like myself again. So amazing to not be suicidal all the time. So amazing to have energy and some motivation. So amazing to not feel like crap.
But wait - is it all that amazing?
Surprisingly, the answer is yes and no. No? But . . . that doesn't make sense. How would feeling better not be good? Seriously.
Well, that's not an easy question to answer. And, honestly, I'm not sure the answer is going to make sense.
Let's start with this: I've been ruled by depression and mania (to a much lesser extent) for over 9 years. For over 9 years my life has been complete and total chaos. Severe emotional turmoil is what I know. So being stable, ie not being depressed, is something foreign to me. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know who the real me is. This is scary. And there is a sense of loss - loss of the familiar.
Next, there's the attention. I get more attention when I'm in an episode. Which, let's face it, feels good. Especially since when I'm not in an episode I seem to just fade into the background. I'm more or less just there. So having more people check up on me, ask how I'm doing, offer help, and pay attention to me feels nice and I miss that when I'm stable.
If we want to get technical and scientific, we can look at my upbringing. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Life was chaotic and unpredictable. I was always striving to be perfect, always looking for reassurance and praise from wherever I could get it. What does this translate to? I'm intimately familiar with chaos and therefor may subconsciously seek it out - even if I don't want it. Being "normal" is not something I know, and am therefor uncomfortable with it. It's almost as if I want to be depressed or manic, even if I really don't. And seeking out praise and reassurance? That equates to the attention I'm getting from people while in an episode.
Let's look at some recent history. I was depressed from last February through June. I started feeling better the end of June, into July. While I was grateful I was finally feeling better, there was that sense of confusion and loss. I didn't know how to act or what to do with myself. I was just starting to get the hang of it in September when depression starting setting in again. And you know what? There was almost this feeling of relief when I felt those first pangs of darkness. Because I know depression. I know who I am when I'm depressed. And I get to have attention again.
Now lets get real here - how fucked up is that?? Seriously now! How freaking fucked up is all of that? I'm writing this and I just don't get it. Not to mention that I'm ashamed of it. Because it is fucked up. I can't beat myself up over this though, that won't do any good. I need to examine it, accept it, and move on. That's going to be my goal.
Wish me luck.
But wait - is it all that amazing?
Surprisingly, the answer is yes and no. No? But . . . that doesn't make sense. How would feeling better not be good? Seriously.
Well, that's not an easy question to answer. And, honestly, I'm not sure the answer is going to make sense.
Let's start with this: I've been ruled by depression and mania (to a much lesser extent) for over 9 years. For over 9 years my life has been complete and total chaos. Severe emotional turmoil is what I know. So being stable, ie not being depressed, is something foreign to me. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know who the real me is. This is scary. And there is a sense of loss - loss of the familiar.
Next, there's the attention. I get more attention when I'm in an episode. Which, let's face it, feels good. Especially since when I'm not in an episode I seem to just fade into the background. I'm more or less just there. So having more people check up on me, ask how I'm doing, offer help, and pay attention to me feels nice and I miss that when I'm stable.
If we want to get technical and scientific, we can look at my upbringing. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Life was chaotic and unpredictable. I was always striving to be perfect, always looking for reassurance and praise from wherever I could get it. What does this translate to? I'm intimately familiar with chaos and therefor may subconsciously seek it out - even if I don't want it. Being "normal" is not something I know, and am therefor uncomfortable with it. It's almost as if I want to be depressed or manic, even if I really don't. And seeking out praise and reassurance? That equates to the attention I'm getting from people while in an episode.
Let's look at some recent history. I was depressed from last February through June. I started feeling better the end of June, into July. While I was grateful I was finally feeling better, there was that sense of confusion and loss. I didn't know how to act or what to do with myself. I was just starting to get the hang of it in September when depression starting setting in again. And you know what? There was almost this feeling of relief when I felt those first pangs of darkness. Because I know depression. I know who I am when I'm depressed. And I get to have attention again.
Now lets get real here - how fucked up is that?? Seriously now! How freaking fucked up is all of that? I'm writing this and I just don't get it. Not to mention that I'm ashamed of it. Because it is fucked up. I can't beat myself up over this though, that won't do any good. I need to examine it, accept it, and move on. That's going to be my goal.
Wish me luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)