Tuesday 3/30/21 World Bipolar Day

 Today is World Bipolar Day. Exciting, I know. Most people don't know about it, never heard of it. There is no fan fare, no parties or parades. No, World Bipolar Day is a quiet day, but an important one. Why? Because there is so much misinformation and stigma surrounding bipolar disorder and today is a day to raise awareness of this often misunderstood disorder. 

I myself was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around 10 years ago, after having been misdiagnosed with depression for many, many years (I started with depression as early as grade school). It has been estimated that around 60% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder were misdiagnosed at first. This is alarming because a proper diagnosis is needed for effective treatment. 

There are several different types of bipolar disorder (bipolar 1, bipolar 2, cyclothymia, bipolar disorder not otherwise specified), with bipolar 1 and bipolar 2 being the most known about. I have been diagnosed with both bipolar 1 and bipolar 2, though I more closely fall into the category of bipolar 2 (I tend to deal mostly with depression and have short periods of hypomania, as opposed to the full mania seen with bipolar 1). Both types of bipolar disorder can disrupt life greatly. I'm living proof of this. It's taken me the 10 years since being diagnosed to become stable (and I've been pretty stable for almost a year now). I've been on 24 different medications and combos of meds, have done DBT, CBT, equine therapy, group therapy, support groups, ECT, TMS, acupuncture, diet changes, supplements, exercise . . . you name it, I've probably tried it.  My psychiatrist and therapist have been absolutely amazing and supportive of me, trying everything they could think of. My family and true friends have been amazingly supportive of me (I've lost several friends due to my illness). I couldn't have done this without them. 

In short, bipolar disorder sucks. But we need to raise awareness of it so people don't suffer in silence.

In other news, I finally got my butt drawing and painting again. At least a little bit. I've painted 4 birds recently. Yay birds!! Here's 3 of them:

A great tit, dark eyed junco, and robin. I love how they turned out. I want to paint more birds! And so I shall. At some point. Probably not today though. Or the next two days, as I work. 

Also I should mention that I'm being baptized this Saturday, the 3rd. I'm excited and nervous. It'll be done during the Easter vigil mass. A mass that runs from 9pm - 12am. Ugh. So late! I usually go to bed at 9! I finally have my clothes picked out: a black skirt with black top before my baptism and a light grey skirt with white top for after. I'll also be confirmed and receive first communion at this mass. Everything at once! So that's cool. 

Anyway, nothing much else is going on. Work is busy, like always. Moya is a poop face, like always. Oh, and I've lost 8lbs so far just by eating mildly paleo. Go me! 

 

Tuesday 3/23/21 Retreat

 Let's start by saying I had a busy week. Work has been crazy - all of the covid babies are starting to be delivered. We are almost always short staffed and its just been soooooo busy! Last night we delivered five babies in 30 minutes! So I've been tired. Still so damn tired. I know part of it is work (I also picked up an extra shift last week), but part of it . . . I don't know. Part of it is my stupid fatigue that won't leave me alone. And it's frustrating. I don't want to be this tired all the time. I have no energy and no motivation. It sucks.

But let's talk about something else. I've been going to RCIA classes since, um, September I think? I'll be honest - I don't know what RCIA stands for. But basically, it's a program of classes to become Catholic. Class is every Tuesday night from 6:30 - 8:30. There are videos, discussions, homework, Bible readings, prayer, and lots of learning. It's been interesting. And part way through I decided that yes, I'm going to become Catholic. Which actually was not an easy decision, as there are some aspects of Catholicism that I don't completely agree with. But I'm taking the plunge - both literally and figuratively. So this past Saturday was our retreat, a day long class so to speak. It started with 8am mass, followed by breakfast and then several hours of quiet, self-guided reflection. 

Saturday was the first time I attended mass by myself and it was very different than the masses held on Sundays. It was more informal and only 30 minutes long. But nice. The self guided reflection was not quite what I expected. I mean, I knew we were going to be given a packet to fill out, but I guess I thought there would be more to it. I was a little disappointed. It was more free journaling than anything. Most of the people at the retreat also gave their first confession (I was unable to as I have not yet been baptized). I think I would have gotten more out of the experience had I been able to confess. But alas, such was not the case. 

And speaking of baptism, I am being baptized. In about a week and a half at the Saturday night vigil before Easter. After lunch at the retreat we went over what to expect at the baptism (it's me and 3 kids). Let's just say I'll get soaked. It's not a full dunking, but yeah, soaked. At the Easter vigil I'll also be confirmed and have first communion. So this is a pretty big deal. I'm nervous and excited (maybe a little more nervous - I don't want to somehow screw this up). I start off wearing black clothes and then change into white clothes after the baptism, to represent the washing away of sin. Plus, you don't want to be sitting around for 3 hours in wet clothes. True story.

I'm not sure what to expect with all of this in terms of how I'm going to feel. Will it be a profound experience? I certainly hope so. But there's no way of knowing until I go through with it. This sounds utterly ridiculous coming from me, but I hope I'm filled with the holy spirit. I hope it's profound. I hope I am moved. 

Tuesday 3/16/21 A Winter Storm

 I have a day off! Yay! I worked this past Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (three 12 hour shifts in a row is tiring) and I have today off before working again Wednesday and Thursday. Ugh. I'm drained. I slept in this morning, had breakfast and coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour. Took a nice long shower and I feel somewhat human again. It was a long weekend. And I lost an hour of sleep Sunday because of daylight savings. And we had a blizzard. It wasn't too crazy of a blizzard, but it definitely made driving home Sunday night dangerous (it was almost white out conditions with the blowing snow). I almost had to stay the night at work Sunday night as the hospital called an "external disaster" alarm. So I couldn't leave until my relief showed up. Thankfully she did and I could go home. 

So remember my lab work? I saw my doc last Thursday and my iron ratio was high (45% is the upper limit and I'm at 60%). So she drew an iron level to see if that was elevated too. Luckily, it came back within the normal range. Which is nice because the only way to treat high iron levels is blood letting. Seriously. I'd have to donate blood at least monthly to keep high levels down (high levels of iron can damage the liver and the kidneys - it's called hemachromatosis). I still may have hemachromatosis, but my levels aren't high enough to need to be treated. So that is wonderful news! 

I've still been feeling fatigued, I still have my other symptoms, but for now we're just "watching" them. Doc doesn't want to do a sleep study yet (which I'm thankful for because I was not looking forward to that). But it's still frustrating. I don't want to have to feel this way. I was having hot flashes at work yesterday. It was pretty miserable. But, We'll wait and see how it goes I guess. I'm most likely in peri menopause. Damn I'm old!

Paleo is still going well. I meal planned lunches, made some healthy dinners. I'm not craving sugar as much as I thought I would, which is a miracle. It makes the whole going paleo thing a lot more feasible.

I have no new artwork to share. I haven't been feeling creative for the past 3 or more weeks. I was going to force myself this week but all I'm doing is working. Maybe Friday. We'll see. 

Tuesday 3/9/21 Test Results

 Well, another week has gone by. My son turned 14 yesterday, which is crazy. He's going to be driving soon! Aaaaaaaaa! We went to a Japanese ramen place for dinner Saturday night to celebrate and got ice cream after. He got lots of Manga books, games for his Switch . . . But yeah. Makes me feel old. And time definitely seems to be flying by.

Do you remember me having lots of lab work drawn? For my fatigue and other symptoms? I got the results in the mail the other day and I'm a little disappointed. Because everything is "normal" (well, my iron was high, and my triglycerides are slightly elevated). But "normal". I was so sure something was going  to come back out of whack. This is frustrating. I see my doc this Thursday to go over the results which just seems pointless. She's going to want to do a sleep study to look for sleep apnea. Because I snore sometimes. The really frustrating thing is, sure, sleep apnea could explain why I'm so tired, but it doesn't explain hair thinning, dry scalp, dry skin, cold sensitivity, and hot flashes. What about my other symptoms? This is annoying. And stupid. I have symptoms of hypothyroid but my levels are "normal". So I won't be treated. Or probably taken seriously. After all, blood tests don't lie, right? So I'm annoyed and frustrated and angry. 

And I have another reason I could be feeling tired: depression. Yeah. Stupid, fucking depression. I think that because I tried going off of Wellbutrin my depression is trying to come back. I've had a lot more negative thoughts, heavy sighs (lame, I know, but it's a symptom I get), not wanting to go to work, not wanting to get out of bed, and wanting to sleep the day away. All are symptoms of depression for me. Now, I don't really feel depressed. But I think I was on my way there before restarting the Wellbutrin. I'm, of course, hoping I don't advance further. And I think the depression is most likely the cause of the fatigue, rather than sleep apnea. But depression doesn't explain the other symptoms either. Which is, again, frustrating. I wish there was a clear cut answer. 

In other news, I mentioned last week that I was going to try to go paleo with my eating. Well, I'm doing it. I ate healthier last week and we bought tons of paleo foods on Sunday (like almond and coconut flour, almond butter, coconut milk, almond milk, lots of nuts and seeds . . . you get the idea). So of course shopping was expensive because we had to get all of the staples. And I'll be eating more meat and fruits and veggies, so lots of fresh produce. I've done amazing over the past week at not snacking on crap (especially at work) and avoiding refined sugar. And I even lost 2 pounds. I'm really hoping this will be a good change for me. My therapist would be proud - he told me to go paleo 2 years ago. 

Going paleo will take a lot more planning though. For all meals - not just dinner. I can't just make myself a sandwich and call it good - because I can't have bread (unless I make a paleo version myself). So there's going to be a lot more cooking on my part. And some baking. And I'm going to have to learn to like almond butter. It's definitely different than the Skippy peanut butter I'm used to. But I know I can do it. I want to get healthy, I want to lose weight. I got this! And hey, who knows, maybe it will help with the fatigue and depression. One can hope. 

Tuesday 3/2/21 Paleo

 I saw the doctor last Friday for my fatigue and various other symptoms. She thinks it's most likely my thyroid causing the problems, but we drew boatloads of blood to test everything - thyroid, hormones, vitamin deficiencies, anemia . . . you name it, we're testing for it. She wants to be thorough. Which is fine by me. I should get the results back sometime this week and then meet next week to discuss them. 

In the meantime, I've decided to try a modified paleo diet to try and lose weight and to hopefully help me to feel better. So lots of seeds, nuts, fruits, and veggies for me! I'm actually excited to be trying it - I've been reading up on it quite a bit and it seems to make sense to me. I'm not giving up dairy completely however - I'll be cutting back but not giving it up (I love cheese too much!). I'm cutting out as much refined sugars as I can and focusing on healthy fats and protein. I'm hoping this will jumpstart some weight loss for me. *fingers crossed*

Nothing much else has gone on in the past week. It's been pretty boring. Work and reading and reading and work. Work continues to be busy, ridiculously busy. So many babies being born. I'm feeling a little burnt out, like I need a vacation. February was busy and March is looking to be even busier. Ugh. Job security I guess. 

Well, this has been a short post. I don't have any artwork to share as I haven't been motivated to sew or paint recently. I've been mostly reading. Which is a fine way to spend my time. Maybe Thursday or Friday I'll get creative. We'll see.