Sunday 1/30/22 Back to Work

 I was back to work this past week, after being off for 11 days (thanks to covid and a well-placed vacation day). Yep. Back to the grind. My days back weren't bad days . . . just . . . days. They weren't insanely busy (thank God), and I worked with good people. But - to be honest - I just wasn't feeling it. I would have much rather been at home. Mood wise I was down, withdrawn, quiet, maybe even a little stand-offish. I tried not to let my depression get the best of me, but, truth is, it kinda did. I tried so hard to interact and joke and laugh but everything fell flat. I felt so empty and numb. A shell of who I'm supposed to be. And it sucked. I'm not sure people notice that I'm struggling. Which, I guess, is the goal of my pretending. But I wish someone would notice and be like, "hey, are you really okay?"

In other news, I've created a lot of art recently. All in all I think I'll have 18 paintings to show my therapist on Thursday. Eighteen. That's a lot of painting. Most are melancholy, a few aren't. He had suggested that I paint with color - most of them are monochromatic grey. What can I do though? It's how I'm feeling. Grey. Monochromatic. No color, no life. 

Here's a few of my latest paintings:

I included a couple of "color" paintings, and a couple of "not color" paintings. The monochromatic grey definitely outweigh the color ones though. It'll give us something to talk about in therapy, right? Right. 

I guess I'll leave it at that. Hopefully we all have a good week. 

Tuesday 4/27/21 Some More Birbs

 Well it's Tuesday again, time for another post. What to start with . . .

How about weight loss? Sure! Why not? I've been eating a modified paleo diet for the past 6 weeks and have been using the program Reset for the past 2 weeks. And I've lost 13 pounds! That's without really working out (my gym attendance is spotty at best). I'm proud of myself. Now, 13 pounds may not sound like a lot over 6 weeks, but it's a lot for me - considering in the past I haven't been able to lose any weight. And more important than the weight loss is how I feel. I'm feeling better about myself, feeling healthier, and have a smidgeon more energy. So this is all great news! My cravings haven't been bad at all either. I thought that cutting out most refined sugar would lead to horrible cravings but it hasn't. At work there's always something sweet around to eat (cupcakes, donuts, candy . . .) and I haven't had ANY of it since eating healthier. That is a HUGE accomplishment (I used to snack on anything and everything at work). I'm really proud of myself for that *pats self on back*. And I'm down a pants size! I still have a long way to go on my weight loss journey, but I'm starting off strong and feeling better. 

Next on the agenda is my mother-in-law. She fell on Sunday and fractured her hip. She had surgery last night and is hopefully now on the mend. Hubby is on his way to the hospital now to check on her and so I'm waiting for an update. Sadly, only one person a day can visit her. I snuck up to her room yesterday while I was at work to check on her. No one questioned me being there, probably because I was in surgical scrubs and wearing my badge - people probably thought I was from the OR and talking to her about her upcoming surgery. I'm worried about her. She's had a couple of pretty bad falls. I don't want anything to happen to her. So, if you're the praying type, say a prayer for her that she recovers quickly. It's much appreciated. 

There hasn't been much else going on. Work is still busy (except yesterday, yesterday was unusually slow). We've had a couple of really sick Covid patients on our unit, and the hospital as a whole has seen an upsurge of them. We were actually at capacity last Friday. I haven't been as artistic as I would like but I'm still sketching and painting here and there. I need to sew some more but I haven't had any motivation to.

Speaking of painting, here's some more birds I painted! Arctic terns, a seagull, and a blue bird.

I'm truly on a bird kick. Which is fine, cause I love birds. I want my whole right arm sleeved out in bird tattoos. My next one will be a dove with cherry blossom branches, and then I'll probably get more sparrows. Because sparrows. 

That's all I guess. Until next time . . . 

Tuesday 4/20/21

 Well, today is every pot head's favorite day *insert eye roll here*. I don't have any funny one liners about this so stop looking for one.

Every week when I sit down to blog I realize just how boring my life is. Like, really boring. There's nothing new or exciting going on, there's was nothing exciting over the weekend (I worked Saturday), and there's nothing really exciting coming up. Huh. Boring. Which is okay, I guess, it just doesn't make for an exciting blog post. 

I worked yesterday and it was busy, again, just like it always is. Lots of babies being born. I was nursery yesterday. The day wasn't too bad but then right before shift change it got hectic. I went to a delivery where the poor mom had been pushing for almost 7 hours (usually after 4 hours of pushing mom has a c-section). But this mom was adamant that she was going to deliver vaginally. So that equated to almost 7 hours of pushing and the use of a vacuum to help pull the baby out. Now, not only does 7 hours of pushing exhaust the mom, it exhausts the baby too. So this kiddo came out limp, blue, and not breathing - my kind of delivery! (I like resuscitating). It took a couple minutes to get baby to breathe on her own - she was pretty shell shocked. But we got her going. While we (the other transition nursery nurse and I) were working on the baby I heard the OB doctor say "code white activate". This is not a good thing. Mom's uterus was tired from all of the contracting and mom was starting to hemorrhage. Bad. Within a minute the room was full of nurses and techs, blood bank and lab, and another doctor. I'd like to say it was a smooth operation, but it wasn't. There were too many people. But, within minutes, mom had a second IV started, was getting a blood transfusion, and the doctors were able to get the bleeding (which was profuse) to stop. During all of this I stayed with the baby, trying to keep her out of the NICU, and talked to and comforted the father. The baby ultimately ended up going to the NICU - she needed more time to transition and needed a little bit of oxygen. Mom has a long recovery ahead of her, but her and baby were doing well despite everything that happened. I said a prayer for them during the scenario and again last night that they would recover well and quickly. 

This is what I do everyday at work. Help bring new life into this world and sometimes participate in scary situations. I love it. I LOVE IT! I can't imagine doing anything else. And I really AM weird in that I love doing resuscitations. Most people want to avoid that - I dive right in. So I guess there was some excitement this past week. 

Anyway, I'm still painting birds. Here's some more:

 A blue tit, blue bird, and chickadee! Painted just for fun. I sketched out some more today that I plan on painting tomorrow. I'm really on a bird kick right now. 

Tuesday 4/13/21

 Another week has gone by. I haven't really done much this past week. I've been a little lazy, actually. I deserve it though, don't I? I think so. I worked hard last week (it was crazy busy) and now I'm in a 5-day stretch off. It's wonderful. I needed it. What I really need is a vacation. Even just a mini vacation. Like a weekend getaway. Spend the night in Estes Park or something. Something simple where I don't have to worry about work or home stuff. Yes. That's the ticket!

So yesterday I did something I've been dreading - I cleaned out my closet. Which meant trying on tons of clothes. I'm quite surprised at how much doesn't fit me anymore. I've gained so much weight over the past several years (let's be honest - it's 85 pounds I've gained). Which is disgusting to me. A lot of the weight has to do with the medications I'm on. All three of them cause slowed metabolism and increased hunger. Yay. Go meds. Couple that with the depression I had been dealing with and an overall lack of movement . . . well, it's a recipe for disaster. So there was a lot of trying on clothes that don't fit anymore, and a lot of looking at myself in the mirror, and I was quite taken aback with how damn fat I really am. Most of the time I float through the world feeling pretty okay with myself but then I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a picture of myself (like the ones hubby took of my baptism), and I think oh my goodness how did I end up like this??? It's really disheartening. But yesterday, as I went through my clothes, I think it finally clicked. I need to try and lose the weight. I need to really try - not just say I'm going to and then be lazy and do nothing (which is what I have been doing). If for no other reason than to be healthy. For myself. For my family. If I don't put my foot down I'll just continue to get worse and I can't let that happen. 

What am I doing about it? Well, do you remember me writing about going paleo? I've been on a modified paleo diet for about 5 weeks and I've lost 10 pounds. Go me. I want to lose at least another 40. I've got my work cut out for me. So I'm going to be getting my butt to the gym. I'm going to actually go. And work out. I'm going to be getting my butt back on my spin bike. And I joined a program called Reset. Which helps you "reprogram" your mindset, gives you recipes, helps you make proper food decisions, helps you eat healthier. You eat healthier 5 days a week and then calorie count 2 days a week, so you don't feel deprived by calorie counting all the time. Maybe it's the extra little push I need. I signed up for a 12 week program. Hopefully the weight will keep coming off. 

In other news, I met some people at church! Sunday there was a pizza lunch at the church and we went and I met some lovely ladies. Joanne, and two others whose names escape me because my super power is forgetting people's names right after they tell them to me. It was nice to talk to some people, people I don't know, who welcomed me as if I were family. I felt less out of place (but still awkward because let's face it - I'm awkward). I had a good time there. Hopefully there will be more family functions we can go to so I can continue meeting people and maybe even make a few friends. 

And I've been drawing and painting birds. Yay birds! I had a custom order for some birds, but I've done more too. My creative juices are starting to flow. Kind of. Anyway, here are the custom birds I painted: a cardinal, a blue jay, and a pileated woodpecker.

I love how they turned out and so does the commissioner. Again, yay birds!

Anyhoo, that's all for this week. 

Tuesday 3/30/21 World Bipolar Day

 Today is World Bipolar Day. Exciting, I know. Most people don't know about it, never heard of it. There is no fan fare, no parties or parades. No, World Bipolar Day is a quiet day, but an important one. Why? Because there is so much misinformation and stigma surrounding bipolar disorder and today is a day to raise awareness of this often misunderstood disorder. 

I myself was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around 10 years ago, after having been misdiagnosed with depression for many, many years (I started with depression as early as grade school). It has been estimated that around 60% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder were misdiagnosed at first. This is alarming because a proper diagnosis is needed for effective treatment. 

There are several different types of bipolar disorder (bipolar 1, bipolar 2, cyclothymia, bipolar disorder not otherwise specified), with bipolar 1 and bipolar 2 being the most known about. I have been diagnosed with both bipolar 1 and bipolar 2, though I more closely fall into the category of bipolar 2 (I tend to deal mostly with depression and have short periods of hypomania, as opposed to the full mania seen with bipolar 1). Both types of bipolar disorder can disrupt life greatly. I'm living proof of this. It's taken me the 10 years since being diagnosed to become stable (and I've been pretty stable for almost a year now). I've been on 24 different medications and combos of meds, have done DBT, CBT, equine therapy, group therapy, support groups, ECT, TMS, acupuncture, diet changes, supplements, exercise . . . you name it, I've probably tried it.  My psychiatrist and therapist have been absolutely amazing and supportive of me, trying everything they could think of. My family and true friends have been amazingly supportive of me (I've lost several friends due to my illness). I couldn't have done this without them. 

In short, bipolar disorder sucks. But we need to raise awareness of it so people don't suffer in silence.

In other news, I finally got my butt drawing and painting again. At least a little bit. I've painted 4 birds recently. Yay birds!! Here's 3 of them:

A great tit, dark eyed junco, and robin. I love how they turned out. I want to paint more birds! And so I shall. At some point. Probably not today though. Or the next two days, as I work. 

Also I should mention that I'm being baptized this Saturday, the 3rd. I'm excited and nervous. It'll be done during the Easter vigil mass. A mass that runs from 9pm - 12am. Ugh. So late! I usually go to bed at 9! I finally have my clothes picked out: a black skirt with black top before my baptism and a light grey skirt with white top for after. I'll also be confirmed and receive first communion at this mass. Everything at once! So that's cool. 

Anyway, nothing much else is going on. Work is busy, like always. Moya is a poop face, like always. Oh, and I've lost 8lbs so far just by eating mildly paleo. Go me!