It's raining again here in Colorado. It has been for the past several days, off and on. Which is nice. Cools it off. Which is, well, nice when you don't have air conditioning. It's coming down pretty good. Actually, it's safe to say that it's pouring. I'm sitting in bed sipping on homemade cold brew, which is delicious.
Today has been more of a depressive day. I woke up feeling this way for no apparent reason other than my brain is being an asshole. Which my brain is an asshole, most of the time. Okay, maybe not most of the time, but much of the time.
I've been having days here and there where I wake up depressed for no reason. One of the joys of bipolar disorder. But I wake up feeling depressed and some days it sticks around and some days it gets better throughout the day. Today it's sticking around. It's not a bad depression, but enough to be annoying. Enough to be noticed.
I leave for vacation next Wednesday, less than a week away, and I'm nervous about it, which is stupid. I'm worried that I'll forget something, or that I'll get depressed, that I won't have a good time and that I'll be a burden on my hubby and son. I'm worried about all the people and being overwhelmed. I'm worried about seeing family and what they'll think of me. It's stupid really, all this worry. And worrying just makes it worse. You know, a self fulfilling prophecy. I talked it all over with my therapist this week, which helped, but the worry is still there. And who knows - maybe completely up-heaving my routine and comfort level will be good for me. Maybe I need it. Maybe I need some unpredictability in my life. Hell, we haven't been on vacation for 3 years.
I have ECT on Monday (the 30th) so I'm hoping that this will keep the depression at bay whilst on vacation. One can hope, right?
I saw my dietitian again this week. We're working on how I eat and my thoughts surrounding food. Which is harder than it sounds. But I have 3 weeks to work on it before our next appointment. And the book Intuitive Eating that I'm reading. Hopefully I'll get there and my body will naturally start to lose weight. I've also been instructed to move more. Not necessarily traditional exercise, but to just move my body more. Alrighty. You got it.
So anyway, that's what's going on. It may be awhile until I write again as I don't know if I will again before vacation and I'm sure I won't while on vacation.
Friday, July 27, 2018
Thursday, July 19, 2018
7/19/18
It's been a whopping 7 days since I last posted. And honestly, there's not really been anything really exciting going on. I have some depressive symptoms encroaching but they aren't too bad, just annoying. Some anger and irritability, especially while driving . . . But overall things have been pretty boring.
Probably the most exciting thing is that I saw a dietitian. She's a more holistic/spiritual/whole body/doesn't-believe-in-diets type of dietitian. I really liked her. The first appointment was 90 minutes long and was a ton of me answering questions and talking about my issues and eating habits and stresses, etc. I'm hopeful that she can help me. She's basically a food psychologist. A therapist for your eating habits. If that makes sense.
Damn, you know what? I got nothing else right now. I'm not in the mood to write. So yeah, I'm going to call it done for today.
Probably the most exciting thing is that I saw a dietitian. She's a more holistic/spiritual/whole body/doesn't-believe-in-diets type of dietitian. I really liked her. The first appointment was 90 minutes long and was a ton of me answering questions and talking about my issues and eating habits and stresses, etc. I'm hopeful that she can help me. She's basically a food psychologist. A therapist for your eating habits. If that makes sense.
Damn, you know what? I got nothing else right now. I'm not in the mood to write. So yeah, I'm going to call it done for today.
Thursday, July 12, 2018
7/12/18
Well hello there all you fine people! (I'm talking to the one of you who may have accidentally stumbled upon this blog cause I know no one other than my hubby really read it . . .)
Anyway, I'm trying to keep up with writing every few days so here goes.
I had therapy today and it was kind of a weird session. Why weird? Because it was pretty much all positive. I'm actually in a pretty decent mood, a pretty good mood. So therapy was upbeat, you know, talk about the good things. I'm not used to that because so often I'm depressed. It was a breath of fresh air, it was nice.
My mood has been overall better since I had ECT on the 2nd. I've been more even, more upbeat, more quick to show genuine emotion. I still have periods where I feel flat or down, I'm still having suicidal thoughts, but overall I'm better than what I was. And for that I'm thankful. I'm hoping that this lasts. I have ECT again on the 30th, so right before I go on vacation - which will hopefully prove good.
In other news, I booked an appointment with a dietitian. I need some serious help to lose weight and both my primary doc and my pdoc have suggested I see one. So I decided to finally bite the bullet and make an appointment (to one my therapist recommended). The first appointment is 90 min long. We'll see how it goes.
Well guys, that's about all I got for right now. I'm calling it done for the day.
Anyway, I'm trying to keep up with writing every few days so here goes.
I had therapy today and it was kind of a weird session. Why weird? Because it was pretty much all positive. I'm actually in a pretty decent mood, a pretty good mood. So therapy was upbeat, you know, talk about the good things. I'm not used to that because so often I'm depressed. It was a breath of fresh air, it was nice.
My mood has been overall better since I had ECT on the 2nd. I've been more even, more upbeat, more quick to show genuine emotion. I still have periods where I feel flat or down, I'm still having suicidal thoughts, but overall I'm better than what I was. And for that I'm thankful. I'm hoping that this lasts. I have ECT again on the 30th, so right before I go on vacation - which will hopefully prove good.
In other news, I booked an appointment with a dietitian. I need some serious help to lose weight and both my primary doc and my pdoc have suggested I see one. So I decided to finally bite the bullet and make an appointment (to one my therapist recommended). The first appointment is 90 min long. We'll see how it goes.
Well guys, that's about all I got for right now. I'm calling it done for the day.
Monday, July 9, 2018
7/9/18
Do you know what's funny? I have therapy this Thursday (the 12th) and I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about. The last time I saw M I was still very much depressed. Then I had ECT last week and started feeling better. I even got a little hypomanic one day. Now I'm just flat. Though I'm trying not to be.
I had a few good days but now I'm back to being flat. I think I'm quicker to laugh than I was before, and I think I'm feeling more genuine emotion than I was before (although it's difficult for me to do so), but I'm still overall flat. I'm trying to get excited about things, like my communication books and CBT book I ordered.
You know what though? What's frustrating to no end? I'm still having suicidal thoughts. They're really bad today. Like, nearly constant today. I'm so sick of them. I'm so sick of picturing my death in detail. I'm so sick of picturing the aftermath, cause I do think about that too. It's really fucking annoying. I try countering the thoughts, I try thinking about something else and my mind always comes back to suicide. I'm not suicidal though - there's no intent right now. I'm not going to do anything. My mind is just an asshole and hates me.
I'm struggling with getting up in the mornings. Mainly the mornings I have off. I don't want to get up. I have no desire, no motivation. I'm slow moving. I don't get anything done. I just can't. I hate it. I know part of the problem is that I feel that things are pointless. So why get up? Nothing has any meaning or point to it . . .
Anyway, aside from the suicidal thoughts I think overall I'm better than I was before I had ECT last Monday. Something to be thankful for. And I am. I just wish I could get my drive back (especially for exercise) and quit it with the suicidal thoughts. Cause those can ruin a mood.
I had a few good days but now I'm back to being flat. I think I'm quicker to laugh than I was before, and I think I'm feeling more genuine emotion than I was before (although it's difficult for me to do so), but I'm still overall flat. I'm trying to get excited about things, like my communication books and CBT book I ordered.
You know what though? What's frustrating to no end? I'm still having suicidal thoughts. They're really bad today. Like, nearly constant today. I'm so sick of them. I'm so sick of picturing my death in detail. I'm so sick of picturing the aftermath, cause I do think about that too. It's really fucking annoying. I try countering the thoughts, I try thinking about something else and my mind always comes back to suicide. I'm not suicidal though - there's no intent right now. I'm not going to do anything. My mind is just an asshole and hates me.
I'm struggling with getting up in the mornings. Mainly the mornings I have off. I don't want to get up. I have no desire, no motivation. I'm slow moving. I don't get anything done. I just can't. I hate it. I know part of the problem is that I feel that things are pointless. So why get up? Nothing has any meaning or point to it . . .
Anyway, aside from the suicidal thoughts I think overall I'm better than I was before I had ECT last Monday. Something to be thankful for. And I am. I just wish I could get my drive back (especially for exercise) and quit it with the suicidal thoughts. Cause those can ruin a mood.
Friday, July 6, 2018
7/6/18
The last day that I wrote was Sunday and it's now Friday. It's been a long week actually. My dog is staring at me like I've done something wrong. It's a little disconcerting. Anyway, long week.
I had ECT on Monday and it really knocked me down. I spent most of the day sleeping and went to bed early. One thing I did notice was that my mood seemed improved on Monday (when I was awake . . .). I did talk with Dr. M about how my mood has been and asked what we could do. He said I could come in sooner for another ECT treatment if I needed it. Which was frustrating to say the least. But I only had about 4 minutes to talk to him so it's not like we could have a normal discussion. So I plan on keeping my September appointment and seeing how I do up until then. Then we'll have time to talk.
Tuesday my mood was definitely improved and was even a little elevated. It was so nice for a change to feel good and be giggly. You have no idea. I was maybe a little embarrassing in King Soopers. But that's okay because I felt so good.
Wednesday and Thursday I worked. Both days my mood held pretty steady if maybe just a little bit down. Well, Thursday was a little down, Wednesday I guess I was a little giggly, at least to start (there was a comment made about me being in a good mood). Both days were long and just dragged on and on. Like seriously, I didn't think they were going to end.
But I wasn't depressed. And that's huge.
And now today. I don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. I feel that everything is pointless and stupid. I'm empty. I'm not depressed, at least not how I was. An argument could be made that what I'm feeling is mild depression. I just want to sleep. Or curl up in a ball and not exist.
So what's new?
My brain is a damn stubborn organ. Stupid thing. It's annoying.
And those books I've been looking forward to? They were supposed to arrive on Tuesday. They still aren't here yet. The one thing I've been looking forward to, the thing that's been sustaining me . . . nope. Which is also annoying. Hopefully they'll come today. *fingers crossed*
Hallucinations now! I had tactile hallucinations yesterday: someone tapping on my shoulder or back (no one was there) and someone shaking the back of my chair (again, no one was there). This is in addition to the orbs of light and shadow figures and demons that I see. So that's fun.
I had ECT on Monday and it really knocked me down. I spent most of the day sleeping and went to bed early. One thing I did notice was that my mood seemed improved on Monday (when I was awake . . .). I did talk with Dr. M about how my mood has been and asked what we could do. He said I could come in sooner for another ECT treatment if I needed it. Which was frustrating to say the least. But I only had about 4 minutes to talk to him so it's not like we could have a normal discussion. So I plan on keeping my September appointment and seeing how I do up until then. Then we'll have time to talk.
Tuesday my mood was definitely improved and was even a little elevated. It was so nice for a change to feel good and be giggly. You have no idea. I was maybe a little embarrassing in King Soopers. But that's okay because I felt so good.
Wednesday and Thursday I worked. Both days my mood held pretty steady if maybe just a little bit down. Well, Thursday was a little down, Wednesday I guess I was a little giggly, at least to start (there was a comment made about me being in a good mood). Both days were long and just dragged on and on. Like seriously, I didn't think they were going to end.
But I wasn't depressed. And that's huge.
And now today. I don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. I feel that everything is pointless and stupid. I'm empty. I'm not depressed, at least not how I was. An argument could be made that what I'm feeling is mild depression. I just want to sleep. Or curl up in a ball and not exist.
So what's new?
My brain is a damn stubborn organ. Stupid thing. It's annoying.
And those books I've been looking forward to? They were supposed to arrive on Tuesday. They still aren't here yet. The one thing I've been looking forward to, the thing that's been sustaining me . . . nope. Which is also annoying. Hopefully they'll come today. *fingers crossed*
Hallucinations now! I had tactile hallucinations yesterday: someone tapping on my shoulder or back (no one was there) and someone shaking the back of my chair (again, no one was there). This is in addition to the orbs of light and shadow figures and demons that I see. So that's fun.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
7/1/18
I don't really feel like writing but I'm trying to write something every couple of days or so. So here goes . . .
Just when I thought my hallucinations were tapering off they ramp themselves up again. I'm still seeing the usual shadow figures, demons, and orbs of light, but now I'm seeing something new and fun: dinner plate sized spiders crawling on the ceiling at night. Oh goody! Giant fucking spiders! I've seen them the past 3 nights. Every time I wake up to go to the bathroom (which is a lot because my bladder hates me) they're there. Crawling around being all creepy.
Now, most of the time my hallucinations don't bother me too much because I know they're just that - hallucinations. But these spiders man . . . God DAMN they creep me out! Even though I know they're not real. I don't like spiders and I certainly don't like ones the size of dinner plates. No. Fuck that shit.
In other news, my mood was overall a little better yesterday. I had periods where my mood dropped and I felt the familiar cloud over me and was flat and empty. But I also had periods where I was mostly okay. Which honestly was a breath of fresh air. And I actually felt excited for something (I ordered some books on interpersonal communication and interpersonal psychology because I'm a dork and want to learn stuff). Now I have something to look forward to (you'd think going on vacation in August would be the thing I'm looking forward to but I'm anxious as hell about that trip).
Now today . . . today I'm not sure yet how I'm doing. I feel down and withdrawn and I don't want to do anything. I just want the day to be over. But I'm not really depressed. Not like I have been at least. I guess maybe a different level of depression? I don't know. I'm still looking forward to my books which is a good sign but I kinda want to not exist. That's not good. So I'm not sure.
I was hoping yesterday was a sign that maybe I'm coming out of my depressive episode, but today I'm not so sure. One day at a time, I need to not get my hopes up but also not be negative about it either. I'll get there. I'll get through this. And I'll have my awesome books to keep me busy.
Just when I thought my hallucinations were tapering off they ramp themselves up again. I'm still seeing the usual shadow figures, demons, and orbs of light, but now I'm seeing something new and fun: dinner plate sized spiders crawling on the ceiling at night. Oh goody! Giant fucking spiders! I've seen them the past 3 nights. Every time I wake up to go to the bathroom (which is a lot because my bladder hates me) they're there. Crawling around being all creepy.
Now, most of the time my hallucinations don't bother me too much because I know they're just that - hallucinations. But these spiders man . . . God DAMN they creep me out! Even though I know they're not real. I don't like spiders and I certainly don't like ones the size of dinner plates. No. Fuck that shit.
In other news, my mood was overall a little better yesterday. I had periods where my mood dropped and I felt the familiar cloud over me and was flat and empty. But I also had periods where I was mostly okay. Which honestly was a breath of fresh air. And I actually felt excited for something (I ordered some books on interpersonal communication and interpersonal psychology because I'm a dork and want to learn stuff). Now I have something to look forward to (you'd think going on vacation in August would be the thing I'm looking forward to but I'm anxious as hell about that trip).
Now today . . . today I'm not sure yet how I'm doing. I feel down and withdrawn and I don't want to do anything. I just want the day to be over. But I'm not really depressed. Not like I have been at least. I guess maybe a different level of depression? I don't know. I'm still looking forward to my books which is a good sign but I kinda want to not exist. That's not good. So I'm not sure.
I was hoping yesterday was a sign that maybe I'm coming out of my depressive episode, but today I'm not so sure. One day at a time, I need to not get my hopes up but also not be negative about it either. I'll get there. I'll get through this. And I'll have my awesome books to keep me busy.
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