7/27/18

It's raining again here in Colorado. It has been for the past several days, off and on. Which is nice. Cools it off. Which is, well, nice when you don't have air conditioning. It's coming down pretty good. Actually, it's safe to say that it's pouring. I'm sitting in bed sipping on homemade cold brew, which is delicious.

Today has been more of a depressive day. I woke up feeling this way for no apparent reason other than my brain is being an asshole. Which my brain is an asshole, most of the time. Okay, maybe not most of the time, but much of the time.

I've been having days here and there where I wake up depressed for no reason. One of the joys of bipolar disorder. But I wake up feeling depressed and some days it sticks around and some days it gets better throughout the day. Today it's sticking around. It's not a bad depression, but enough to be annoying. Enough to be noticed.

I leave for vacation next Wednesday, less than a week away, and I'm nervous about it, which is stupid. I'm worried that I'll forget something, or that I'll get depressed, that I won't have a good time and that I'll be a burden on my hubby and son. I'm worried about all the people and being overwhelmed. I'm worried about seeing family and what they'll think of me. It's stupid really, all this worry. And worrying just makes it worse. You know, a self fulfilling prophecy. I talked it all over with my therapist this week, which helped, but the worry is still there. And who knows - maybe completely up-heaving my routine and comfort level will be good for me. Maybe I need it. Maybe I need some unpredictability in my life. Hell, we haven't been on vacation for 3 years.

I have ECT on Monday (the 30th) so I'm hoping that this will keep the depression at bay whilst on vacation. One can hope, right?

I saw my dietitian again this week. We're working on how I eat and my thoughts surrounding food. Which is harder than it sounds. But I have 3 weeks to work on it before our next appointment. And the book Intuitive Eating that I'm reading. Hopefully I'll get there and my body will naturally start to lose weight. I've also been instructed to move more. Not necessarily traditional exercise, but to just move my body more. Alrighty. You got it.

So anyway, that's what's going on. It may be awhile until I write again as I don't know if I will again before vacation and I'm sure I won't while on vacation.