Thursday 12/22/22 A Horrible Day

 I've been doing quite poorly the past week. Feeling down and depressed, irritable and annoyed. There was an event that triggered this. A rather horrible event that happened last Friday.

I was at work, in transition nursery, attending deliveries like I always do, when the unthinkable happened. Room 16 went for a crash c-section because we lost baby's heart tones. I called NICU to let them know and the team was assembled - high risk trans nurse, myself, respiratory therapist, nurse practitioner, and the neonatologist. We were prepared. We had our equipment ready. Decision to incision was about 4 minutes. The baby was born grey and lifeless. CPR was started immediately. The baby was intubated, umbilical lines placed, epinephrine given. At first I thought the baby would turn around, start breathing, start crying.

That did not happen.

Five doses of epinephrine were given. Sodium bicarb, and 40ml bolus of saline. Compressions for 20 minutes before time of death was called. We worked so hard to save this little life but God had other plans. The neonatologist approached the dad outside of the OR to tell him the bad news. He was brought in to see his son, Cade. He lost it, as any parent would. We all cried with him, what else could we do? He and his son were taken to a private room with our social worker and a nurse while mom was taken to recovery to wake up (she had been put under general anesthesia). 

It was awful. The whole situation just terribly awful. In my nearly 14 years of doing nursery this is only the second life I've lost. Both instances were traumatic. The first one, 8 years ago, sent me into psychosis. I had delusions and hallucinations for months. This time I'm much more stable but my brain has decided depression is the way to go. I feel so horrible for this family. I've been praying for them daily. I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping as I get more remote from the delivery, as I talk about it with Mike in a couple of weeks, the depression will dissipate and I won't need a round of ketamine. But for now I grieve. There's no way to make sense of it. 

So I've been down, depressed, irritable, and annoyed. I'm trying not to dwell. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive. I'm trying to let go. I'm doing all the things to make myself okay. And yet, I'm not. Not really. But I'm hopeful I'll get there, one way or another. 

And then, to add insult to injury, I found out something horrifying yesterday. My son has his first girlfriend. He's 15. And my hubby and I found out yesterday that she gave him oral sex. He's FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. That is NOT okay. I felt literally sick to my stomach when hubby texted me. I felt like curling up in a ball and crying. What the actual fuck is going on here?? My sweet little boy isn't so sweet and innocent anymore. I feel like I've lost something. I feel angry and confused and sick and concerned and horrified and sad. I didn't need this right now - I'm already emotionally fragile. Hubby had a long talk with him yesterday. I haven't seen him yet as he went to his grandma's house last night before I got home from work. So I'll see him today and have a chat with him. What do I even say?

I need a break from adulting.

Wednesday 12/14/22 December

 Well, we're almost half way through December already, which is pretty crazy. Time sure is flying by. Before we know it it will be 2023 (which will hopefully be a better year).

I went to the doctor this morning as I've been having lower back pain. Only on the right, though. About where my kidney is and a little below that. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I still went. Annoying though is that my appointment was at 9:20 - fairly early morning - but he was already running 40 minutes behind. Ugh. My doc is always behind. He likes to take his time with patients - which is great - but it puts him far behind. Sometimes over an hour. Which is frustrating. So. What he said. 1. I need to wear better shoes, not my beloved Pumas, which are flat. 2. Arch support insoles in my shoes. 3. Lose weight (dude, I'm trying). And 4. Physical therapy. I'm not looking forward to physical therapy. Mainly because my insurance doesn't cover that much and it ends up being around $75 a visit. It gets expensive real quick. I'm hoping for like 2-3 visits where they can teach me the exercises and stretches and I can just do them at home. 

I ordered the insoles he recommended, which weren't, thankfully, expensive. And as for the weight loss . . . I'm trying. I really am. But I need to kick my efforts up a notch. I can't seem to get under 210. It's frustrating. I want to at least be down to 170, preferably 160. But I can't seem to get my weight to budge. For months now. If it changes it's because it's going up. I know I need to be more consistent with exercising, I know I could be eating better. It's just so freaking hard when I have no motivation. You'd think going to Japan would be enough motivation but I'm struggling. And it doesn't help that I've had several "bad mood" days this past week which makes doing anything that much more difficult. I haven't accomplished anything this week so far. No painting, no real cleaning, no working out, not even opening a book to read. I spent most of Monday in bed. I was supposed to work, was called off, and just stayed in bed. Worked yesterday. Today I feel like doing nothing except taking a nap. I have no energy. I know I'd feel better if I accomplished something . . . I just don't know if I will. Damn my self-sabotaging self. 

I really have nothing left to say this week. Hopefully I'll get my ass in gear.  

Friday 12/9/22 Stuff and things

 Well, it's Friday. Nothing special about it.

I've managed to get two good workouts in this week, plus walking yesterday volunteering. It's a start. I downloaded a workout app that I "committed" to using at least twice a week. It has hundreds (if not thousands) of different workouts to choose from - Tuesday and today I did total body workouts (today was more of a HIIT workout, Tuesday was more strength focused). I was sore after Tuesday, and my legs are jello today. I'm hoping I can continue to be consistent and work out regularly. I really need to get in shape in general, but especially in time for our Japan trip - we're going to be walking a LOT the two weeks we're there! I don't want to be struggling to get around or totally exhausted. I've got a little over 5 months to get in shape. I can do it!

I did my first craft fair last weekend (the 3rd and 4th). I sold more than I thought I was going to sell, so that's good. I had kind of a crappy location - tucked in a corner of Doherty's small gym (which lots of people don't even know exists). They didn't have good signage for the small gym either. But I made around $600 so that's cool. I presigned up for next year with a request of being in the main gym or cafeteria - so I can get more exposure. All in all it was a good experience, although tiring. Lots of peopling (which I'm not very good at, being an introvert). We're going to professionally scan some of my personal artwork and make prints of them for next time. And, I guess, for my Etsy shop too. I don't know how much that's going to cost or which paintings to do or if people will like them . . . ugh.

Mood wise I've been holding pretty steady. I have times where I'm meh, or irritable, or down, but it usually doesn't last long. So that's good. Stable is good. I keep waiting for the depression to come back but it hasn't yet. It's been over a month since my last ketamine treatment, fingers crossed I can go 3 months or longer. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. 

Thursday 12/1/22 Therapy

 It's already December and I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

I had therapy today. I thought it was going to be my last session with Mike and I was trying to prepare myself for such. Turns out he hasn't sold his house yet and is continuing to do therapy until he does so. So I see him again the beginning of January. To which I am grateful. I'm going to miss him so much when he retires and moves (to Pennsylvania). 

Anyway, it was a banger session. Talk centered around my mom and my childhood and my innate introvertedness. See, I'm shy. I'm an introvert. We were discussing if this is more "genetic" or environmental (most likely mostly environmental related to growing up in an alcoholic household). I don't necessarily want to be introverted. It would be nice to be able to talk with people freely, smoothly, without having to force it. I'm envious of people who can do that. So we talked at length about it and now I have homework (I don't like homework). Mike wants me to have a conversation with a coworker I don't know very well. So I can practice. Push me out of my comfort zone. I agreed to work on it. Working on it is the best I can do. 

I've been a mixed bag of emotions today. Mostly I've felt down and emotionally fragile. Volunteering was good and I felt better whilst doing it, even having a good conversation with one of the other volunteers (see, Mike? I can do it!). But I woke up feeling uneasy, anxious even. I know this is because I thought today was my last session with Mike. I even had a dream about it where Mike introduced me to my new therapist that would be replacing him. I didn't like it. Mike sensed my anxiety when I sat down. It got better throughout the session, and I'm not anxious now, but I still feel fragile - like I could cry at any moment, for any reason. Maybe I need to cry. I kind of feel as though I do. But I'm restraining myself. I don't know why. Maybe part of me is worried that if I do cry it'll lead to instability of mood. I have no idea really. I'm grasping at straws here. 

We were supposed to go out to dinner with my mom tonight. She called me around 11:30, drunk and sobbing because she had a headache and canceled dinner. I'm not going to lie - I was both relieved and angry about this. See, she has been hounding me via call, text, and email for several weeks wanting to go out for dinner. Finally settled on a day and time and restaurant and she cancels. Drunkinly cancels. I'll be honest - I didn't want to see her tonight. I don't want to see her ANY time, really. But bugging me constantly about going out and then canceling last minute just doesn't sit right with me. And, truth be told, if she had called me when she was sober to cancel, I wouldn't be angry. But she wasn't sober. She was drunk. She's always fucking drunk. It's another letdown in my life of being let down by her. It's frustrating. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying not to let it mar my day. Talked about it in therapy, writing about it now, and then I'm going to forget it and move on. Look on the bright side - now I don't have to deal with her drunk self in person. 

I feel like I should leave you with a picture of a fox I painted. Why not?

Wednesday 11/23/22 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that's pretty crazy. November has gone by so quickly. Soon it will be Christmas and not too long after that - Japan (well, 5 months after, still that's not too long). 

We're not doing much for Thanksgiving, going to my mother-in-law's house. Brother-in-law will be there too (of course he will be - they live together). We're bringing green beans and dessert - a pumpkin cheesecake (don't go thinking I'm all fancy baking and whatnot - we got it at Costco). A very low key evening. 

What am I not doing this Thanksgiving? Seeing my mom. For which I am grateful. I don't want to. I don't feel like being angry and annoyed and embarrassed all day. Who would? Sadly, we're apparently seeing her the week after (bummer). She wants to get together and go out for dinner with my brother and his wife. As of yet we haven't decided on a day. Maybe she'll forget about it and we won't have to see her (fingers crossed). I know. I know that's a horrible thing to think. I'm well aware of that and it fills me with guilt. But every time we get together she's drunk (doesn't matter what time of day it is) and I feel like the little girl I used to be - angry, ashamed, abandoned, embarrassed. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I don't even want to talk to my mom, let alone see her. 

But I digress. 

I weighed myself this morning and I lost almost 2 pounds this week. I've worked out every day so far and I'm having tea at night instead of dessert. Go me! I started doing yoga on Monday. I downloaded an app that customized a beginner's yoga program for me. I'm enjoying it so far. Each session is around 15-20 minutes long. I'm going to try my best to get up early on the days I work and do it too. We'll see how that works out (because I like my sleep). 

I've seen the chiropractor twice in the past week for some lower back pain. The pain has been going on for about 5 weeks - right over my right kidney. At first I truly thought that maybe I had kidney stones, except I don't have burning or blood tinged urine. So I've been stretching, icing, chiropractor . . . it still hurts. Finally decided to call the doctor and the earliest I can get in is December 14th. Which, let's be honest, is dumb. They told me if I get any other symptoms to go to an urgent care. Hopefully I won't need to do that. 

Not this weekend, but next weekend is my first craft fair. I'm excited/nervous about it. Kind of dreading it almost. What if I don't sell anything? That'll be a hit to my ego. And it will be a loooooong weekend. I work Friday and Monday, craft fair Saturday and Sunday. No down time (the fair is from 9-4). I'll have to go get everything set up after work on Friday night. Ugh. Not looking forward to that. Oh well, it'll be an experience. 

That's about it, I guess. Everything that's going on. So much fun.

Thursday 11/17/22 Ugh

 Why ugh?

Because I feel gross. I've been super bloated and gassy as of late and I'm slowly gaining weight. All things that are BAD. They are NOT GOOD. I haven't been terribly active, nor have I been eating well, so this is all my own doing, but damn. I need to accept the fact that sugary things make me bloat and feel gross and I need to stop eating them. But it's so freaking hard - they taste so good! 

I'm back up to 211lb. What the actual fuck. This is ridiculous. At my heaviest I weighed 240 - I lost 40lb on my own and was down to 198 . . . but now I'm back at 211. And I can't stand it. I hate seeing myself in pictures - I look so bad. So fat. And I just feel gross and bad. I'm sick of this. I need to get in shape - we're going to be mainly walking everywhere when we go to Japan in May, if I stay this out of shape I'm going to have problems keeping up, getting around. I mean, I'm seeing the chiropractor today because my hips have been bothering me (probably my excess weight and lack of movement). 

I need to make a big change. I'm at my tipping point, much like I was at when I was 240. I think I can do this. But I need to get  my butt in gear. Which is hard when, even though my mood has been decent, I still have no motivation for anything. I seem to do better exercising in the afternoon, but I feel so lazy and tired and drained and have a hard time doing anything. It's like I hit this hard slump after lunch. If I'm not at work I typically take a nap (it doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping the greatest the past few weeks). And after the nap I feel too lazy to do anything. And that's really it - I'm too lazy. I need to be more active. I'm going to strive to be more active. 

Now about my diet . . . it needs a complete overhaul. I need to be eating more plants. Less refined sugar. I have a hard time with cravings. Especially at work. If there's junk around (and there usually is), I eat it. And not just a little bit - oh no. It's like I'm compelled to eat, to stuff my face to discomfort. I hate that I do this but I can't seem to stop. I know that I'm an emotional eater. And that I eat when I'm bored or stressed. I really need to take steps to remedy this, I'm just not sure what those steps are. I've looked into a couple of eating coaches, but holy COW are they expensive! Thousands of dollars! I can't afford that right now. I was hoping that as my mood improved I would emotionally eat less - that's not the case. I'm eating just as much. And yes, it's affecting my mood. Because I beat myself up every time I overeat or stress or emotionally eat. My body feels gross, so so does my mind. 

I ordered some berberine supplements to try and help control my appetite. And some chlorella and collagen to help with my hair loss (another thing that eats away at my self esteem). I can pull most of my hair in a pony tail now (I've been growing it out from a pixie cut), and I can see thinning patches when I do this. My hair is already fine to begin with, but with the hair loss . . . well, it's not good. Other supplements I've tried haven't helped, but they were all biotin based. I already take a biotin supplement with my multivitamin, so extra biotin probably isn't going to do much. So chlorella. And collagen. And maybe if I can get my diet better that will help too. 

This post is so vain sounding. But I know that if I feel good physically it helps me feel good mentally. So I need to get my butt in gear. Get back into exercising. Eat healthier. Less refined sugar and carbs (which, self, make you bloat and feel gross anyway - why do you keep eating them??). So that's where I'm at.

Tuesday 11/8/22 Some Art

 I'm sitting here on the couch, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know how I want to fill my time today. Yesterday I painted quite a bit, uploaded a TON of paintings to my Etsy shop . . . today I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily down, but I'm not great either. I'm meh. Blah. Indifferent. I don't like feeling like this. I'm as of yet undecided on whether I'll keep my ketamine booster appointment. I mean, I'm not depressed, just meh or down. I'm not sure that really qualifies me as needing the booster. I don't know. I'll give it another week and we'll see. 

Anyway, I've been painting quite a bit. Figured I'd share a few of them here.

This first one I titled "Anemone". Mostly just playing with color and shapes.

This second one is just swirls of color, kind of like what I would see during an infusion.

Cherry blossoms. I love cherry blossoms. 

Some daisies. 

This one is "Nautilus". Swirls of shapes and blues that I would see during an infusion.

This last one is "Sink". Some infusions I felt like I was floating. Others like I was sinking in sand or something. Always so much blue though. Blue was the predominant color I would see. Some purples and oranges and greens here and there, but mostly blues. 

There's quite a few more, plus all the dragon paintings (well, 4 dragon paintings). I've been busy. But I don't know if I want to paint today. We'll see. I don't know what I want to do today.
 

Wednesday 11/2/22 It's November, Y'all

 Wow. It's November already. That seems crazy to me. Time seems to be flying by. And it's been, what, 10 days since I last posted? Something like that. 

So I've finished my 6 initial treatments of ketamine, my last treatment being a week ago Monday. My last 2 infusions were intense, as Dr. Jeff used the max dose for my weight. Felt like I was lost inside my brain and wasn't going to be able to come down. Had to ground myself numerous times, remind myself that I was not lost, I was, indeed, in a cushy recliner and safe. They weren't scary or anxiety inducing, just intense. I have a booster scheduled for Nov. 22nd, if I need it. If not, I cancel. I'm really hoping I don't need it, buuuuut . . . .

. . . . I've been starting to feel a little down again. Having periods where I feel meh, then do okay, then feel down. Or I just feel meh or down. Now, I know I'm not going to feel happy all of the time. I'm going to experience a full range of emotions and that's okay - even the "bad" ones. But I definitely don't like it, feeling meh or down. It makes me worry that I'm going to be stuck needing boosters every month to feel normal, to feel okay. That scares me, to be honest. I just want to be stable and okay, not meh and down. I keep telling myself that it's okay if I need boosters - it's just like needing to take my medications. But I feel like this is different. Like I've failed somehow if I need continued boosters. I'm working on stopping this negative spiral of thinking because it's not going to do me any good. But also, the infusions are expensive - $275 each - and I don't want that to be an added expense, especially since we're still saving for our Japan trip. Ugh.

Today I was supposed to work but I was put on "standby" (meaning I can get called in at any time). I'm glad I'm not at work. I'm feeling down this morning and I don't want to be around people (everyone thinks I'm better, I'm "cured" of my depression, and I don't want to show them otherwise, let them down somehow - it's stupid that this is how my mind works). My bestie says I'm feeling this way because my brain IS stupid and doesn't know how to feel normal. Which could very much be true. At any rate, I'm down this morning and I just want to go back to sleep. 

I have therapy tomorrow and I think this session will truly be my last one with Mike. Which is a real bummer. If I'm feeling okay I think I can handle that. If I'm feeling like I am right now . . . not so much. Him retiring is a loss I'm going to have to grieve. And in this state I'm not sure I can handle that. Not that I have any choice in the matter.

Let's move on. Artwork wise I've been trying to capture what I've seen during my infusions. Most notably dragons and cherry blossoms. I've done several paintings, none of them quite up to snuff. I like the dragons I've drawn and am considering getting one of them tattooed on me. We'll see. I'll give it some time to mull over before I make a final decision. I've been trying to paint waves and have discovered that I just don't have the skill to adequately do so. Which is disappointing. But I'll keep trying. 

I really hope I don't get called in today. Fingers crossed.

Saturday 10/22/22 Stuff and Things

 Been a bit since I last posted! There hasn't been a ton going on, really. I've had five ketamine infusions so far - my 6th and final infusion is Monday. My 5th infusion (this past Thursday), was intense. The doc went up on the dose and boy could I tell a difference. I felt lost inside my own head. Momentarily thought maybe I wouldn't come back down. It wasn't scary, it was just intense. And I could see how someone might feel scared or anxious because of it. I was able to keep myself grounded enough though, kept reminding myself that I was safe, sitting in a comfy recliner. It took a bit longer to wear off, too. When I left the clinic I felt tipsy still (obviously I wasn't driving - my hubby was). 

So how have these infusions been treating me? Pretty good, actually. I'm feeling like myself again, which is amazing. I'm not happy all the time - don't get me wrong - but I'm feeling emotions. I have a range of emotions instead of feeling either depressed or nothing. I still have "blah" moments but hey, who doesn't? I'm better able to handle myself at work, I'm more quick to smile and laugh, I'm not getting overwhelmed. This is all pretty darn amazing! I'm just hoping these results last. Dr. Jeff (the anesthesiologist who runs the infusions) said that some people need a booster infusion once a month, others have gone a year before needing a booster - everyone is different. I'm really hoping I don't need to have one monthly (mainly because of the cost - each infusion is $275). And I mean, it would just be cool to be able to go longer. The important thing is that it works. It's helped me. That's HUGE. 

In other news, we're actively planning our trip to Japan. It's looking like we'll be there May 25th through June 10th. Craziness! We have a travel agent who is helping set up our itinerary, flights, hotels, etc. It makes me realize that yes, indeed, this is happening. Which, honestly, is a little scary. And exciting. But still scary. The highlight of the trip for me will be visiting Nara and seeing all the bowing deer. Seriously - the deer bow to you to be fed! I can't wait for that! I love deer! In addition, we'll be staying in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. It will be a whirlwind trip, lots to see and do. 

I've been painting here and there, not terribly frequently, but when I feel like it. I desperately need to update my Etsy shop, which I plan on doing on Monday and Wednesday this week. I have paintings I need to scan and post. Quite a few. I've been neglecting it. Oh well. I'll get there.  

Tuesday 10/11/22 Ketamine Infusions

 Today I had my second ketamine infusion (my first one was last Thursday). I have my 3rd this Friday. The infusions are . . . interesting. It's very difficult to describe what they're like because they're ever changing and fluid and just . . . I don't know.

So they start by starting an IV and getting an initial set of vital signs. The ketamine is mixed with 60ml of saline and is infused over 40 minutes. My first dose was 35mg, my second was 40mg. The ketamine dose is weight based and isn't enough to put you to sleep. It's just enough to give you a controlled high. And that's basically what it is - a controlled high. Or trip, if you prefer. I sit in a comfortable recliner, sleep mask on, ear buds in. The music is meditation music, very soft and lulling. The nurse leaves a pulse ox on one finger and a blood pressure cuff on so they can monitor vitals during the infusion. The room is a comfortable temperature and the lights are dimmed (though I can't tell that because I have a sleep mask on). The infusion starts.

At first I feel warmth flow throughout my body and an almost sinking feeling, like I'm becoming one with the chair. Then floating. Drifting along either in water or air, I'm not sure, but definitely floating. Despite having my eyes closed and a sleep mask on I see colors. Mostly greens, blues, and purples, forming undulating waves that change into geometric patterns and then back to waves. It's very calming and relaxing. I can feel my pulse throughout my body but it is not bothersome - rather, it's comforting. The soft music seems to be coming from everywhere, from within me - not from my headphones. There is no sense of time. Thoughts come and go, seemingly random, but sometimes purposeful. However, I cannot grasp onto them. They flow through me, in front of me, behind me, with the colors and shapes. I feel warm and heavy and somehow outside of my body, but still attached to it. Occasionally, I can feel the blood pressure cuff squeeze my arm, a reminder that I'm grounded. If I feel like I'm floating too high I merely move my fingers and feel the chair and I know that I'm safe and comfortable. This continues on for some time before I start to feel sensations: the chair beneath me, my position, my shoes, my fingers. The colors dissipate and I'm more aware of my surroundings. I feel the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox being removed. I sit for a few minutes before removing my eye mask and ear buds. I feel calm, a little tipsy perhaps. But calm and comfortable and relaxed. The doctor and nurse come in and check on me and it's time to go. Hubby is there to drive me home. The tipsiness wears off quickly, before I'm even down to the car. 

That's the gist of how it feels. Last Thursday was more floating, today was more of almost being enveloped by marshmallows. Cushiony soft surrounding me, pressing in on me. I felt more today than last Thursday, presumably because of the increased dose. The downfall today was that even though I went to the bathroom right before the infusion started, as I was coming to I realized I had to pee. Like, bad. I had to call out for the nurse and she helped me to the bathroom as I was still a bit unsteady on my feet. Luckily it didn't happen while the infusion was still going. But it was annoying nonetheless (damn bladder). 

After my first infusion, I noticed at work the next day I was less overwhelmed. I was able to joke a little bit and actually genuinely smile. It was a breath of fresh air. It gives me hope that these infusions will help with the depression. 

I have therapy on Thursday, most likely my last session with Mike. And that will be difficult. Then an infusion on Friday, and 2 next week. This week and next week feel impossibly long. This week because I'm off every day until Saturday, next week because I have something every day - I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have infusions Tuesday and Thursday. When I'm home I don't know what to do with myself and when I'm at work I don't know how I'll make it through the day. So yeah, a long 2 weeks. But I'll make it through. I always do.  

Thursday 10/6/22 Ketamine

 Today I have my first ketamine infusion. It's scheduled at 12:30 so I'll be leaving the house in about an hour. I figured I'd be more anxious than I am - I'm really quite bored. Maybe as the time gets closer or when I actually get there . . . But for now, bored. Numb. Withdrawn. Flat. I have an hour to kill and I don't know what to do with myself. Drawing, painting, sewing, reading . . . all sound horrible. I have no desire to do any of that. I was looking through landscapes on Pinterest, trying to find inspiration, and all I got was frustrated. I hate this. I hate this numbness and lack of motivation/drive to do anything. I end up just sitting and staring at the wall. Or laying in bed doing the same. 

I haven't been getting anything accomplished. No housework (save for laundry), no hobbies, no nothing. I just don't care. I need to be figuring things out for the craft fair I'm doing in December but I just don't care enough to. I should be sewing or painting. But I don't care. I should be reading or cleaning. But I don't care. I wish I could at least read, because reading can be an escape. But I can't stay focused long enough to comprehend anything. So mostly I end up staring off into space or scrolling social media as a way to pass the time. Neither of which are good options. I feel like such a failure because of this. 

So hopefully the ketamine will help. I decided to write before the infusion as I don't know what state I'll be in after. Maybe I'll feel loopy or sleepy. Maybe I'll feel fine. I don't know. Perhaps, if I don't go to work tomorrow, I'll  hop on here and write about my experience. Yeah. I'm considering calling in tomorrow. And Saturday as I'm on call. Work keeps me busy but it's so draining. It's hard to keep up the illusion that I'm okay. It's exhausting, really. And people have started noticing that I'm not at my best. And I almost feel like a fraud to myself for pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I don't know. It's weird. And I also have a cold, which is annoying. 

Friday 9/30/22 Therapy and Ketamine

 It's been a rough week. I've only worked like 1 day in the past 10 and it was difficult. Like, really difficult. I work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm struggling you see. Every. Single. Day. I'm struggling. With depression, anger, and now anxiety (we just had to throw that into the mix too. I mean, why not?). I've been trying to stay busy, trying to do things . . . but it's just not working out for me. I go downstairs to paint and end up staring off into space because I can't seem to start. Or I start - like today - and get so anxious I can barely hold a paint brush. Or I just stare at my paper and cry. I don't dare try to sew because that sends my anger skyrocketing. And who needs that?

I had therapy yesterday and I also talked with the ketamine clinic. I have my first ketamine infusion next Thursday. I'm praying that this helps because it's all I have left. There's no more meds for me to try. I saw Dr. Marciniak this past Tuesday and he had me get a light box to try, even though my depression isn't seasonal. Because there's nothing else left. He did take me off of the Caplyta and started me back on Vraylar. Med wise I'm back at square one. 

So I got the light box and used it today. It's freaking bright. I'm trying to do self care crap but it's tiring and I don't see a point to it. I don't see a point to anything. But I'm trying. I'm trying everything. It's just that nothing is helping. And this anxiety man . . . it needs to go. I haven't had anxiety like this for years. 

So yeah. This is stupid.

Thursday 9/22/22 Anger

 I have been getting more and more angry with every passing day. Everything makes me mad. Even stupid little things that have no meaning . . . pissed off. I shouldn't be driving because of my rage - it's bad. If no one's in the truck with me I scream and cuss and cry. If someone is in the truck with me I'm able to bottle it up but then I lose it when I get home. This is becoming unbearable. Seriously. Everything is so overwhelming right now. Even simple tasks are hard for me to do. Like filling out my passport application. Apparently that's too much for me. I had to set it aside and walk away because I couldn't handle it. Even typing this out - I misspell something and I can feel the rage surging in me. Over a fucking TYPO!!! I can't even with myself. 

And this has been getting worse over the past week and a half. Every day worse. My depression is getting worse every day. I'm not really functioning. Everything is so hard. I don't know how I'm going to go to work on Saturday. I barely made it through Tuesday. I had to hide a lot. I feel so fucking bad. I cry at everything. I can't cope with anything. And I don't know what to do or how to handle this. The depression and anger is consuming me. 

I see Dr. Marciniak next Tuesday and Mike again next Thursday. Something has to change. I can't keep doing this. I can't handle this. I can't. As far as med changes go . . . there's not really anything we can do. The Caplyta is my 24th different medication. There's nothing left. Nothing to fall back on. I'm just . . . stuck. I'm going to call today to set up a consultation with a ketamine infusion clinic. Because I can't do this anymore. 

In other news, I still have no appetite. None. I don't care if I eat or not. I've lost 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Because I just. Don't. Care. I can eat something or I can starve. I don't care. Nothing sounds good. I've been living on toast. Literally. Because nothing sounds good and I truly don't care. I'm at the point where I want to throw in the towel. I want to give up. That would be easier. But I can't. I have to keep going for Jer and Ayden. Even though I don't want to, I keep pushing forward. And it sucks. I'm so tired. Probably going to go on intermittent FMLA. Because how the fuck am I supposed to work like this?

So. That's where I'm at. Hating life. Hating everything.  

Thursday 9/15/22 Therapy

 I had therapy today and it was basically me crying the whole time. Seriously. And I cried this morning and while driving and after therapy when I got home. Crying is my thing today. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen and sting. Really the only time I wasn't crying was while I volunteered this morning. And even then it was touch and go.

In therapy Mike and I talked about his retirement. And how I move on. Because this is a loss I have to grieve and I'm certainly in no position to grieve a loss right now. But we talked about it and that was helpful. He has another therapist in mind for me, one with his group, and he wants to ease me into working with her. And I'm perfectly okay with that. 

Man I wish I could stop crying.

I had to call in sick yesterday because of how bad I've been. Constant crying and anger. Legit uncontrolled rage. And then I cry over that. I'm so sick of feeling this way. It needs to stop because I can't handle it. I can't keep doing this. I see Mike again in 2 weeks. I told him I would try and wear regular clothes (I wore jammie pants and a t-shirt today). 

In other news, I've been painting quite a bit, both paintings and bookmarks. I'm going to have a booth at a craft fair in December so I need inventory! I challenged myself to NOT paint anything depressing. So I've been painting scenery mostly, along with some animals. Nothing depressing so far. Go me. Sometimes painting helps calm me. It helps me to forget for a short time just how crappy I feel.

In addition to crippling depression and rage, I've lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good. I have to force myself to eat because I really don't care if I do or not. I lost 4 pounds this week, just because I'm not eating. I know this isn't good, I know I need to eat. I'm getting dizzy and light headed because of lack of calories. But I just don't care. Preparing food is too much work. It's too overwhelming. And nothing sounds good. At all. 

It's been a really rough, difficult week. I have a tattoo consult tomorrow and that's like my only thing to look forward to. I need things to look forward to to keep me going. 

That's where I'm at. And it sucks.

 

Friday 9/9/22 Well, I painted a little

 Look at that - another week has gone by. There's nothing special going on, nothing new, really. I do, however, feel more depressed than last week. I'm getting worse. I'm crying more. I'm angry more. I just feel worse. And I'm getting brain zaps again (probably because the Lexapro is completely out of my system). It's not fun. This week has not been fun. 

I'm painting though. I'm painting mostly scenery pictures, pretty things. I'm trying to paint non-depressing things basically, in hopes that it helps my mental health.

It hasn't.

Well, I guess it does for a very short period of time when I'm actually painting. It distracts me from how I'm feeling for a little bit. So that's a win I suppose. 

Today I painted 24 bookmarks. Took me about 3 hours. I like them. 

Next Thursday I have therapy with Mike. I think it's my last session with him. I'm not looking forward to it. Especially with how much I'm crying at stupid stuff - I'll probably lose my shit when I have to say goodbye. It's going to be hard. 

And next Friday I have a consult for my next tattoo - a daffodil on my left forearm (and also a very thin wedding band on my ring finger). I'm looking forward to that at least. Something to keep me going. 

I don't feel like writing more. I feel like crap. That is all. 

Friday 9/2/22 Saw My Psychiatrist

 So I saw my psychiatrist this past Monday to talk about Lexapro's horrible failure at helping my depression. All the Lexapro did was increase my appetite so that over the 6 weeks I was on it I gained 10 pounds. Which just adds to the depression. Hooray. We agreed to stop it. And I talked to him about trying ketamine infusions. Which, to my surprise, he's for me trying it. With a catch. I guess. Kind of. He wanted me to wean off of Vraylar and start a new medication that's only been available for a short period of time - Caplyta. No one I know has heard of this medication. Of course not - it's brand new. So, he gave me enough samples of Caplyta to last me a month and I see him again in 4 weeks to see how I'm doing. 

I've taken the Caplyta 4 nights now and boy howdy am I groggy in the morning. I read through the information packet that came with the med and yeah. Sedation is the #1 side effect for it. And even though I'm taking it at night, the grogginess hits me in the morning and lasts several hours. I'm hoping this side effect will lessen with time. *Fingers crossed*

In other news, my depression is becoming more and more obvious. At work I try really hard to engage with others but I'm so withdrawn and flat. I'd rather be alone. I'm overall feeling more depressed as well, which sucks. Yesterday was particularly bad. So bad that I didn't volunteer (I was depressed, groggy, and felt like I was getting a cold). I remained depressed all day. I'm trying everything I can but nothing is helping. Hopefully this Caplyta will help. If not, hopefully ketamine will help. The sucky thing about ketamine is it's not covered by insurance, it's expensive (around $300 per treatment), and I have to have a ride home after each treatment. I don't know how that's going to work. Especially finding a ride. Because I don't want to rely on my mom for that. No, thank you. 

Anyway, that's about all that's been going on since last week. Now I want a nap.

Wednesday 8/24/22 Therapy

 I just got home from my therapy appointment. And I don't know what to do with myself. It was a good appointment, talked mostly ACOA stuff. Pretty much the whole session was ACOA. Which is good, it's stuff I need to work through. My next session is in 3 weeks. I think that one will be my last session with Mike as he retires in October. *heavy sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do after that. 

Today I'm feeling pretty damn low. Very depressed. I don't want to do anything, I have no motivation. I need to clean the kitchen and bathrooms and dust . . . I need do watch more Mental and Emotional Mastery. I need to workout and read and work on my ACOA workbook. I have all these things I "need" to do and I don't want to do anything. I want to lay down and sleep. I'm so tired of being depressed. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. I'm tired of being too tired and unmotivated to accomplish anything. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm just tired. 

I've been on Lexapro for several weeks now and I don't think it's doing squat. I've noticed no change at all. If anything, I've been feeling a little worse. I see Marciniak next Monday, we'll see what he says I guess. I don't want to continue to take it though if it's not doing anything. That's pointless. I don't have anything else to try though - I've been on pretty much everything. Only treatment I haven't tried is ketamine. I know 3 people who have tried ketamine with mixed results. And there's problems to getting it - it's expensive and I have to find a ride home every time I go. Which I believe there's an induction phase and then a maintenance phase. I'm just not quite sure about it. My one friend who has done it says the day is pretty much wasted because you're basically sleepy and high afterwards. I don't know. I don't know what to do. 

This post is kind of jumping around. That's how my head feels. Too many trains of thought, but they're all moving so slowly. I can't concentrate. I want to go lay down. Sleep. Escape.

Wednesday 8/17/22 Mom

 So I just got off the phone with my mom and to say she annoys me is a huge understatement. She really. Fucking. Annoys me. See, my mom is an alcoholic. Has been one since before I was born. No matter what happens to her, no matter what me or my brother say, she won't stop drinking and denies that she drinks at all (she could be drinking vodka from the bottle and tell you that she doesn't drink and she would believe that lie). I hate talking to her. Especially when she's been drinking. If I do talk to her, I try to do it before 10am because there's a little less chance that she's been drinking yet (yeah - she drinks all day and night). 

I've grown up around this so you'd think I'd be used to it by now, right? Wrong. It's a chronic, insidious type of trauma, one that compounds. Most of the time I'm angry/distraught/annoyed/saddened for awhile and it passes. Sometimes it takes longer. And sometimes I spiral, remembering my childhood. At any rate, it sucks. Big time. So I really try not to talk to her. And, unfortunately, she has no friends. No one she can talk to. Her and her husband fight all the time. Her own mother is succumbing to dementia. So what does that make me? Her therapist and friend. Her confidant. A role I DON'T FUCKING WANT. And a role that it's not fair to put me in. I'm not her fucking therapist but she treats me like one. I told her today that she should go to marriage counseling, that I couldn't help her sort out her marriage. She kept venting to me. And this is while she was sober - you can't even begin to imagine what it's like when she's been drinking. I just don't answer the phone anymore. 

I'm sick of listening to her and dealing with her. I really am. I want to cut her out of my life but I can't. She's my mom and I feel horribly guilty for feeling the way I do. Cutting her out would make me feel even worse. As much as I dislike her, she's still my mom. Even though she's toxic as fuck. So I space out when she talks to me, don't fully listen, turn my attention elsewhere. Because I just can't deal. Every time we talk it's all about her anyway. She rarely asks how I'm doing or how my hubby and son - her grandson - are doing. All she talks about is how horrible her life is and how much her and her husband argue. I don't fucking care. 

And I can't bring up her alcoholism because in her mind she doesn't drink and therefore denies it and gets all offended that I would say such a thing. I can't win. I can't fucking win.

In other news, I'm still horribly depressed. My Lexapro seems to be doing nothing. I wasn't terribly hopeful that it would do anything, but still, come on. Some days I have a hard time pushing through and I end up napping. When I'm asleep at least I don't have to deal with what I'm feeling. It's my only escape. I have no motivation for anything. I have things I need to do, things that I would like to do . . . but no motivation to get anything done. I mindlessly scroll social media or I sleep. That's what I do. And it sucks. 

I have therapy next week with Mike again, and see Dr. Marciniak in 2 weeks. We'll see what's next I guess. 

Monday 8/8/22 High School

 This morning I took the boy to his high school so he could pick up his schedule, new student ID, laptop, etc. It's hard to believe he's going to be a sophmore. 10th grade. He's driving, get's his official permit on the 17th . . . he's growing up. It's crazy. But in a good way. He's a good kid. A really good kid. 

Last night was my first night Pristiq free and on 20mg of Lexapro. So far I haven't had any brain zaps or other withdrawal symptoms, which is good. Hopefully I won't. And, now that I'm on the full 20mg of Lexapro, I'm hoping to start feeling better. Although, to be honest, I'm not all that hopeful. I've really been struggling the past several weeks. To where I don't just feel blah or down - I feel depressed. Like, legit depressed. To where I don't want to do anything. Just sleep. Or scroll social media, or stare off into space. It's not good. I hate that I feel this way again. I'm doing everything I can to NOT feel like this. I'm forcing myself to do stuff, even when I desperately don't want to. And I started my Emotional and Mental Mastery program again. I did it like 3 years ago, and it helped. So I figured why not start again? I'm 3 videos in and there's 133 videos, with homework and tasks to do. The only thing different this time is that I won't have the check up calls with Ty Hicks, the guy who created the program. I'm hoping it will help. I need something to help. I'm so tired of feeling like this. It sucks, royally. So I'm going to work the program again, take my meds, see Mike when I can, see Marciniak, do my Esteem Quest tasks (another program I'm doing to try and help with my confidence and self esteem), get enough sleep, eat healthier, exercise . . . what more can I do? I don't even know. I'm doing everything I can think of. 

I guess that's all I have today. Anything more will just be me venting about how I'm feeling. And I don't really want to do that. 

Wednesday 8/3/22 Therapy

 I saw Mike this morning. It was weird - I was nervous going in. I think because I didn't know what the session was going to hold, what he wanted to talk about, etc. But all in all it was a good session. He is officially retiring in October, so I'll see him a couple more times before then so we can work out the logistics of seeing a new therapist/ease out of seeing him. I really don't want to. You know, stop seeing him. But I have no choice in the matter. *heavy sigh*

Today I got him caught up on everything that's been going on since I last saw him (like 8 weeks ago). The medication changes, work, ACOA stuff . . . we spent a good deal of time on the ACOA stuff. He thinks it's a great idea for me to be diving into it myself. But it's hard to because I've been feeling so lousy lately. I know I need to . . . it's just hard. 

I gave him his retirement card today that I made him. He saw how much writing was in it and said he wanted to read it later. Asked me if it was okay to read later. I said yes, of course, so I don't know his reaction to what I wrote. Perhaps he'll mention it at our next session (which is August 24th - 3 weeks away). I kinda hope he does. I'm curious of what his reaction will be. It's not that I want to make him feel bad - I definitely don't - it's just that I want him to know how much he means to me. And before I don't get to see him anymore I'd really like a hug. I'm a hugger. But I don't want to ask for one because what if he said no? I'd feel awkward and kind of crushed. I'll just have to feel that one out. I'm sure I'll cry at our last session. Which I'm not looking forward to. As of right now I can kind of ignore the fact that he's retiring, since I still get to see him a few more times. But at our last session . . . well, that's it. No more Mike. And that's going to be hard to stomach. It's weird to think that I have a loss coming up that I'm going to have to grieve. And I don't want to. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this, just thinking about it. Gotta be strong. 

I going to try and spend the rest of the afternoon doing my ACOA workbook. I need to get working on it. I've been putting it off and putting it off. Again, I've been so lousy lately that it just feels too heavy. But I'm going to work on it today. If I can keep myself from napping, that is. I feel like napping all. The. Time. Because it's an escape. I don't have to feel when I nap. 

Also, I'm on my last week of Pristiq. I think I have 4 or 5 days left and I'm done with it. And then I'll be on the full 20mg of Lexapro. I'm really hoping this helps. Like, really hoping. Time will tell.  

Saturday 7/30/22 I don't know . . .

 It's been a week since my last post, and I don't know what to write about. I'm still struggling, work is busy and frustrating, I have no motivation. It's a Saturday and I'm chilling at home instead of being out with hubby and son because I have a blood draw to do at one. 

A blood draw? Yep. I signed up for a program/study called Zoe. They test my biology to see what foods will work best in my diet. I'm wearing a continuous glucose monitor for 1-2 weeks to see trends in my blood sugar, collected a poop sample last night (omg so gross) to check my gut flora/health, and am doing a blood draw today at 1. The blood draw is really just a finger stick and I collect 4-5 drops of blood. It will test my body's reaction to sugar and fat (I had to eat these special muffins they sent me for breakfast and lunch). It's all supposed to help me eat better for my body and hopefully lose weight. *fingers crossed*

I have a custom order of 3 paintings to do - 2 dogs and a cat - but I haven't started them yet. Again, no motivation. I'm going to try and start them on Monday. Hopefully. 

Otherwise I'm just floating along, not really doing anything, not really feeling anything except depression. I'm still calling in sick on Wednesday so I can see Mike - haven't found anyone to trade shifts with me (which is annoying because I often trade shifts with people who need it, but as soon as I do, no one seems to want to help). 

So anyway, that's about it. I hate how I'm feeling. I'm sick of it. The weaning off of Pristiq is going well. Slowly adding the Lexapro. Nothing so far, but that's not surprising as I'm not on the full dose of Lexapro yet (I'm taking half a pill right now). We'll see. Again, *fingers crossed*

Okay bye. 

Friday 7/22/22 Retiring

 So I was at work on Wednesday, checking my email in the afternoon. I had an email from Mike (therapist), with the subject line "session". I thought oh thank God we can set up a session finally! I opened it immediately, feeling just a little giddy and excited, only to read that 1. Mike wants to know how I'm doing, and 2. he's retiring. 

Wait, what?

Retiring??? No. I must have read that wrong. I read the email again. He's retiring in October. He wants to meet to discuss this. 

Oh shit.

Seriously? Retiring? No. No, it can't be. He wants to meet August 3rd at 8am, if I can. I, of course, am scheduled to work that day. I make a decision - I'm calling in sick that day so that I can meet up with him. If not that morning, then who knows when? He's been out what, 6? 8 weeks from back surgery? I've been struggling. I need to see him. I check with a few people to see if they could possibly switch me days. No one can. Of course. So calling in it is. Which makes me feel guilty, but I have to do it. 

Then the emotions hit. I race to the break room and cry. I can't seem to stop. Luckily only one person walked in on this as I cried for 45 minutes, trying to pull myself together because I have patients to take care of dammit! 

I texted my hubby and best friend the news. They tried to help me see it in a positive light. Maybe this will be good for me, I'll get a different perspective on things. It doesn't help. See, Mike has been a solid fixture in my life for almost 10 years. Ten years. He's been there for me at my worst, he's seen me at my best. He's kept me from killing myself several times. He's always there for me. He knows me. He knows my history inside and out. I'm comfortable with him. I freaking love this man! (in a platonic way, of course). I can't imagine not being able to see him again. I know he has several therapists in his group that he can refer me to, but . . . it's just not the same. It'll be like I'm starting over from scratch. Having to rehash all of my traumas and history. Trying to build a foundation and relationship and trust with a new person. It all sounds so awful. Truly awful.

I'm trying to stay positive about this because the last thing I need is something else to cause me to spiral. But it's hard. In trying to remain positive, I decided to make him a card:

The inside:

I have to make it light. Funny, even. I don't want to let him know how much I'm reeling. I wrote a rather long paragraph in the card, thanking him for everything he's done for me. Wishing him a happy retirement. Because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Take the high road, be an adult. Even though I don't want to be. Even though I feel lost and - almost - betrayed. 

As of right now I don't know what the future holds for me therapy wise. I'll find out August 3rd. Until then I'll just keep fumbling along, doing the best I can. It's all I can do. 

Tuesday 7/19/22 Trying Something Different

 Hey there. So, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we're going to try something different. He's weaning me off of my Pristiq, and slowly adding Lexapro. The weaning of Pristiq will take 3 weeks, to try and minimize withdrawal symptoms. During those 3 weeks I'll slowly increase my Lexapro dose until I'm at 20mg. Now, I've been on Lexapro before, but it's been about 14 years. So maybe it will work for me. Dr. Marciniak doesn't think the Pristiq is working anymore as I've been on it for 5 years now. We'll see. I start the titration tonight. I'm a little nervous because when I skipped a dose of Pristiq I had horrible withdrawal symptoms. Of course, I won't be skipping any doses, just slowly weaning myself off of it. But I'm still nervous. Fingers crossed this works.

I'm still feeling mostly down, with a little blah thrown in for good measure. Which is annoying. I still have no motivation for anything, though I managed to get a couple of paintings done today. Go me. I also have plans to work out, but I'm not getting my hopes up for that. I really just want to go lie down. And, knowing me, I probably will. 

I'm hoping to hear from Mike this week, so we can set up a therapy appointment, but I doubt I will. Maybe next week? I don't know. I'd just really like to be seen. I'm struggling. I'm doing stuff on my own, but I'm struggling. I joined a mailing list called "Esteem". Answered a loooong questionnaire about my views of myself, my self esteem, etc. It's run by psychologists and is supposed to help me gain confidence in myself, boost myself esteem, and help me change my negative narrative about myself. I get emails every 2 days with info in them and a task to complete. I'm hoping it will help. I'm also still doing ACOA work on my own. Which is hard. I'd love to have Mike's help with that. But instead I'm just floating along, trying to figure shit out on my own. 

Anyway, there's not really anything new. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm switching meds. That's about it. 

Friday 7/15/22 Estes

 It's Friday again and we're half way through July already. Crazy how fast time is flying by this summer. But still going so. Slow. 

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist this past Tuesday but had to reschedule for next Monday (the 18th). The office called me Tuesday about an hour before my appointment, needing to cancel because they had lost power to the building. The receptionist told me they were sitting in the dark, calling people, and canceling appointments for the day. Which is a bummer that I had to reschedule, but things happen. At least I don't have to wait too long. I'm not sure what good the appointment is going to do anyway. I went back down to 300mg on my Wellbutrin (from 450mg) because the urinary side effects were too much. I've tried pretty much every medication there is. So I have no idea what the next step is going to be. There might not be a next step - this might be it. I don't know. 

I've still been down/depressed pretty much every day. No motivation to do anything. All I want  to do is sleep or mindlessly scroll social media. Which I don't even really pay attention to. Sleeping is easier. I kept myself from going back to bed this morning, we'll see if I can keep myself from napping. 

The only reprieve from this was yesterday. Yesterday we (hubs, son, and I) went to Estes Park and went horseback riding. It was a gorgeous ride into Rocky Mountain National Park. Narrow, rocky trails, waterfalls, a river, beautiful mountain scenery . . . one of my favorite things to do, in one of my favorite places to be. While riding I was able to stay in the moment and enjoy myself. Not think about how I was feeling that morning or the past week. Just enjoy myself. Which was so nice. When the ride was done we walked around the shops in Estes Park and had lunch. It started pouring so we hunkered down in a candy shop until the storm passed (it was only like 15 minutes). It was refreshing. We finished touring the shops, got some ice cream, and headed back to the car. 

But my better mood didn't last long. After seeing some of the pics my hubby took of our ride I was shocked to see just how fat I still am. My mood really did plummet. I've lost 40 pounds, but I still would like to lose another 40. And those extra 40 pounds are definitely showing up in the photos. There's no denying it or hiding from it. And it makes me feel like a horrible failure. And I have, in fact, gained 5 pounds over the last few weeks. Which doesn't seem like much, but when you still have 40 to lose . . . well, a 5 pound gain can seem devastating. And for me it was. I'm so self conscious of how I look, even more so now. I think I was fooling myself into thinking I wasn't as big as I am and seeing the proof was a bit too much for me to handle. 

I'm trying to to better with my eating but have gotten pretty lax over the past several weeks. Couple that with no exercise . . . recipe for disaster. I started a 14 day "jumpstart" into changing my thinking around food, which will hopefully change my actions around it (I tend to emotionally eat and binge eat). And I paid for and am starting a program to change my thinking about myself. To love myself more and to have confidence in myself. I'm really hoping these two things help me. I need all the help I can get. And see, I keep thinking my depression wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so heavy. If I lost weight and was able to love myself I wouldn't struggle so much. I don't know if this is true or not . . . but I'm thinking it is. And sadly, when I'm feeling how I have been feeling, I have no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. I eat junk because it gives me a dopamine kick and helps me feel slightly better for a moment (but lousy in the long run). And working out . . . it just seems like so much work. When all I want to do is sleep and hide away, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym where there are people (and no motivation makes it difficult to workout at home). 

So I'm just stuck right now. Hating my body, hating myself, depressed, no motivation, and generally doing poorly. And of course I work all weekend, so I get to hide all of this away so that I'm functional. Joy.

Friday 7/8/22 Again . . .

 Yeah, I know. I'm posting again. Twice in one week. Weird. Or maybe not so weird, since when I feel like crap I have the urge to write. Somehow it helps just the tiniest bit. 

Today I'm depressed. I've been struggling with my mood hard this past week or so, feeling down and withdrawn, but today I'm downright depressed. I have no motivation for anything. I didn't even shower this morning as it was too much work. I managed to start laundry and work on a painting for about 30 minutes before giving up. I took out the trash and went to the post office. I sold a painting and was mailing it out. There was a new lady working there. I normally pay around $1.70 to mail out my paintings and she charged me $4.50. I don't know what the other ladies do differently so that I pay less, but this was not something I needed today. On my way out of the post office my manager called because I got a "parking ticket" at work the beginning of June. There was no parking in the employee parking garage so I parked up top, in the back, but still got a ticket. So she has to give me a verbal warning. I welled up with tears. These two small inconveniences were too much for me today.

I couldn't cry though. Even though I think maybe it would help me feel better, I couldn't cry. Sitting here, typing this, my eyes are full of tears. Tears that won't spill down my cheeks. I just. Can't. Cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so low. And I'm so tired of fighting this. I don't know what to do. Probably, I'll take a nap. At least that will pass the time and I'll be less aware of how shitty I feel. 

Next Thursday we're going horseback riding in Estes Park. One of my favorite things to do, in my favorite place to be. I have something to look forward to. And it's not helping. It's only a week away, but it seems so far off. 

That's where I'm at today. Depressed, feeling shitty, unable to release my emotion. And I work tomorrow. Great.   

Tuesday 7/5/22 It's already July

Wow. July just kind of crept in there. Fast. This summer seems like it's flying by (but the days are moving slow as molasses - how is that possible?). Yesterday was the 4th, and I worked. Did 4 deliveries and it was a weird day. Just . . . weird. Today I'm off, I volunteer from 5:15 - 6:15pm. I don't feel like going, but I will. I haven't done anything today. Like, nothing. Unless you count listening to 2 webinars doing something (I don't). Well, laundry. I did finally start a load of laundry.

These past several days have been rough, mood wise. I've been more depressed, more down, more quiet, more withdrawn. And I hate it. It sucks. The increased dose of Wellbutrin seems to be having no effect except for my peeing issues. I still have a week before I see my psychiatrist again, but I'm pretty darn positive I'm going to drop back down to 300mg. I just don't know what more we will do. I don't know what else there is. Which is disheartening. And bleak. 

It's hard to go through the motions when all I want to do is hide away or sleep. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. I tear up, but, nothing comes. I think, maybe if I had an emotional release I'd feel better. But I just can't seem to do it. 

I'm trying to be proactive while I'm not in therapy (probably won't have a session until the beginning of August, maybe later). I read the book Perfect Daughters, which is a book about daughters of alcoholics. Wow did it hit home. And I'm doing a workbook for adult children of alcoholics. I'm just doing it slowly so as not to overwhelm myself. I listened to a webinar on becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And one on binge eating (yeah - I binge eat. I don't purge, but I binge). I'm trying to do things that will be helpful to me to heal my childhood trauma. Because maybe, just maybe, if I can move forward in this it will help my depression. And because it's something I just need to do. 

But I'm struggling. Really struggling. I'm beating myself up over being depressed. I'm beating myself up over binging yesterday at work (and every other time I binge). I'm beating myself up over everything. How I look, how I act, what I say, what I do . . . you name it, I'm probably beating myself up over it. Which, obviously, doesn't help at all on the depression front. I'm just so fucking miserable and I'm sick of it. I just want to be better. I want to be content and to experience happiness sometimes. I want to be free of self loathing. But I don't know what to do. I try to squash all of these negative thoughts when they come, which is difficult and exhausting. And they keep coming - they don't stop. 

And I'm tired of hiding my true self from everyone. I'm hiding my depression, albeit not very well right now. At work I've been quiet, withdrawn, and even standoffish. I can keep up a charade with my patients but am having a hard time with coworkers. It's so much work. And I'm tired. So very tired. 

I know all of my posts have been depressing as of late. But that's my reality. And, lets be honest, this blog gets like one view per post so . . . fuck it. I'm going to write what I feel like.   

Tuesday 6/28/22 Peeing is a Chore

 No really - it is. Peeing has become a chore for me. Why? Let me explain. 

About 2 weeks ago now, my psychiatrist upped my dosage of Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg. I apparently like to get the rare and obscure side effects from medications. With Wellbutrin that looks like urinary hesitancy. I've been on Wellbutrin for a while and the urinary hesitancy started slowly and got worse with time - so much so that I saw a urologist to figure out what was going on. The hesitancy means that it takes me a bit of time to start my flow of urine (yes, probably TMI, I'm aware). Sometimes even a full minute or more before I can pee. Which is annoying. But now, with being on 450mg, I'm also having trouble emptying my bladder. So I can end up sitting on the toilet for 4 or 5 minutes just trying to pee like a normal person. This is beyond annoying and might be a deal breaker for the increased dose. And I haven't noticed a change in my mood yet from being on the increased dose. I'm giving it the full 4 weeks that my psychiatrist wants, but I'm probably going to have to go back down to 300mg and hope the new bladder issues go away. It's very frustrating.

And my mood? It hasn't been great. I've been feeling down more often, instead of just blah. I have more instances of feeling like I'm going to cry, especially at work. I'm trying so hard to be social. I'm forcing myself to interact with people, even though all I want to do is withdraw. And it's making me so tired. Keeping up a façade that everything is okay is exhausting. 

On Friday, Jer and I went to one of his friend's houses for a game night. It was just 4 of us - 2 couples - but it was difficult for me. I was able to join in and have an okay time, but I still struggled. I tried to appear upbeat and outgoing, which is the complete opposite of how I was feeling (I've become much more of an introvert than I ever was in the past). Saturday was work, running on about 3 hours of sleep. Sunday we went to the going away party for Father Baron, meaning I had to interact with a LOT of people. And yesterday, work. So much interacting over the past few days, I'm running on empty. And then I work Wednesday, volunteer all day Thursday, and work Friday. Today is my only day of rest and I volunteer tonight (so it's not a whole day to myself). My saving grace is that today I'm getting a massage - a little gift from Jer as he knows how much I struggle. 

When I feel like this, I get by by having things to look forward to. But after my massage today, I have nothing to look forward to. It's work and volunteering for the foreseeable future. I don't even have a therapy appointment to look forward to (and which I truly need), because Mike is out on medical leave (it'll probably be another 4-6 weeks before I see him). I need little things to look forward to. And I really have nothing. It makes everything seem bleak. 

So anyway, that's where I'm at this week. Struggling and tired. Having issues peeing. But at least getting a massage.  

Monday 6/20/22 Drowning

 I'm not really sure what I want to write about today. I'm feeling pretty down. I had all of the intentions of sleeping in today but was up at 6am (I actually woke up at 4am and laid in bed for two hours, trying to fall back asleep). I had an idea for a drawing so after breakfast I took my coffee downstairs with me to my studio and got to it. I spent 3 hours on it, between sketching and inking it. Then I took the dog on a short walk, showered, started laundry, and had lunch. And now, now I'm writing. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. 

I'm at the "go-to-sleep-and-not-wake-up-until-I-feel-better" stage. Quite honestly I'm surprised at what I've accomplished today because I truly have no motivation. I forced myself to go on my walk. I didn't want to go. But I figured getting out of the house would be good for me. It didn't help. Nothing helps.

Last week - Tuesday - I saw my psychiatrist. He upped my dose of Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg - the max dose. I am an idiot for how I tried to go off of the Pristiq, and he's keeping me on it for now. I see him again July 12th to see how the increased dose is working. So far no change in my mood. Except I feel a wee bit more cranky. Irritable. Maybe that's a coincidence. We'll see. If there's no real change in my mood in a month I'm going to talk to him about going off the Pristiq. Maybe with one less antidepressant I'll have a greater range of moods. I don't know. Maybe I'm talking out of my ass. I just don't know what to do. And I'm tired of feeling this way. 

On the up side, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow morning. I'm growing it out from a pixie cut (which is a long and arduous process), but it needs a trim desperately. I'm starting to get a mullet in back, not the look I'm going for. So at least that's something small I can look forward to.

I wish I could see Mike. It's only been two weeks since his surgery, so it'll be at least another 4-6 weeks before I can see him. I hate that. I wish it was sooner. But I have no choice but to wait. I need some support. I know he said if I needed anything to email him, but I don't want to be a needy burden. So I wait. 

I'm reading a book on adult daughters of alcoholics. And I have an ACOA workbook to work through. Fun times. But the book on adult daughters, Perfect Daughters, is spot on. It's like the story of my life. Which is scary and sad and infuriating and comforting all at the same time. Maybe, just maybe I can find some closure to this chapter of my life. As my mom continues to drive me crazy. It's in her head now that I'm her best friend and therapist and I'm going to help her through all life's obstacles. Fighting with her husband? Call Cami. Worried about grandma? Call Cami. Have a bad dream? Call Cami. Every. Little. Thing. I AM NEITHER YOUR FRIEND NOR THERAPIST. I am basically your estranged daughter who truly wants nothing to do with you. And I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way. But I have no real relationship with her. Talking to her is torture - especially since 99 times out of 100 she's drunk when she calls me. But I feel bad and guilty because I'm not a "good daughter". I don't know what to do. 

So that's where I'm at. Feeling like crap about everything and not having motivation to do anything. What a glorious place to be. I guess I could share the artwork I did this morning:

It's titled "Drowning". It's 8X10, watercolor and ink. Mostly ink. I like how it turned out. 

 

Tuesday 6/14/22 I'm An Idiot

You read that right - I'm an idiot. No really, I am. See, I got a wild hair up my ass and decided it would be a good idea to try and wean myself off of my Pristiq. I've been so blah and empty and non-feeling lately and, well, antidepressants can make you feel that way. Sooooo . . . why not try going off one of them? I tried going off Wellbutrin about a year ago because of side effects and my depression came back straight away with a vengeance. So that's a no go. My Vraylar . . . well, that's an antipsychotic keeping my mania at bay. So that leaves Pristiq. Now, I know I need to taper off slowly to avoid side effects. I'm on 100mg daily so I figured I'd just take it every other day for a week or so, then every 2 days, and so on. 

Yeah. Big mistake.

The day after I skipped a dose I had horrible withdrawal symptoms - brain zaps, dizziness, lightheadedness, headaches, and irritability. Let me tell you, it's not pleasant. At. All. Then I'd take a pill and the next day be fine. Skip a pill, withdrawal. Ugh. So I figured, why not just stop taking it all together? So I skipped 2 days in a row and let me tell you, that was hell. I worked Sunday (the day after skipping my second pill) and I was an emotional mess. I could hardly keep myself together. I was on the verge of tears all day, feeling depressed and low and awful. Brain zaps and other withdrawal symptoms were horrible. It sucked. I worked with my two best friends that day and they both reamed me for stopping medication without the help of my psychiatrist. Did I forget to mention that I did this on my own? Yeah. No input from my doc. And yeah - they were right. I was stupid in trying this myself. In listening to my sick, lying brain. But I did it. 

So Sunday night and last night I took my Pristiq. The withdrawal symptoms went away, I'm not completely, emotionally unstable. Which is good. But I'm back to blah and empty and non-feeling (although today I'm a little bit down). Which I hate. I want to be able to feel. I want a range of emotions. Not just blah, down, or irritable. So I see my psychiatrist today at 1440, and I'll talk to him about all of this and see what we can do. Because this has been going on since November of last year. Eightish months of feeling this way and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of just floating through life, barely participating, barely feeling. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. 

I am, honestly, nervous to talk with my doc today. Worried about what he'll say. Because I've been on so many medications and have done ECT and TMS already. I've tried everything but ketamine. And I'd prefer not to go there. But that may be all that's left. Or, maybe he can help me wean off of Pristiq in a way that I don't get the horrible withdrawal symptoms, and we can see how I am off of it. I don't know. I wish Mike (therapist) wasn't out on medical leave (he had major back surgery last week). I wish I could see him sooner than 6-8 weeks from now. It would help. So much. But it is what it is. I see my doc today and Mike in 6-8 weeks. Ugh. Wish me luck.

   

Monday 6/6/22 I'm home

 I was supposed to work today, but was called off. So I'm at home. Wondering what the hell am I going to do with myself. It's only 9am and I feel lost. I have the whole day ahead of me. So many hours to fill. And I don't know what to do. 

Kind of weird to think that I'll only be working one day this week. I was called off today, I'm marked off for Wednesday (Jer's cousin passed away, so we're going to her funeral Wednesday), so that leaves Friday. Just one day this week. Which will be a nice break. Except for the funeral part. I haven't been to a funeral in a  loooooong time. I can't remember the last time I was at one. I bought a dress for it as I don't really have anything "funeral appropriate". 

I had therapy last Thursday and it was okay. Just . . . okay. I vented about work, how I've been feeling, etc. It wasn't really a "let's come up with solutions" type of session. Just more of a "getting everything out" one. Which, let's be honest, I needed. It'll be at least 6 weeks before I see Mike again as he's having his back surgery today. I'm praying that everything goes smoothly for him and that he has a comfortable, uneventful recovery. 

There's not much else going on. I'm very boring I guess. I still haven't been able to read. I still haven't done any artwork. I still have no motivation or inspiration. Which sucks. It really sucks. I want to be able to do things with my time off and it's like, I can't. I go down to my studio and I sit there, staring off into space. I don't know what to draw or paint and I haven't sewn anything in over 6 months. No desire. No ideas. I'm hoping this will change soon because I normally enjoy doing art. But not now. Now I don't even pick up a pencil. 

I took Moya on walks last week, a long one yesterday, and I'll likely take her on one today. At least this gets me out of the house and doing something. Something active. Probably the gym this afternoon. So there - I've taken up like 2 hours of time. Go me. What else can I do . . . I'm going to try not to nap. It's easier to nap than to feel the nothingness. So I usually do it often. But I'm going to try not to today. I have laundry going, I can empty the dishwasher. That kills another 10 minutes or so. Ugh. 

Oh well. I'm glad I'm not at work.  

Tuesday 5/31/22 Been a while

 Well hello there. It's actually been a while since I last posted. Weird. I try to write once a week, but I've been . . . distracted. "Distracted" probably isn't the correct word to use, but it works. I've been busy and unmotivated and blah and can hardly be bothered to do anything in my time off. I haven't been painting really, or reading. Or doing anything. Volunteering yes. But nothing else. I just can't seem to get off my butt and participate in life right now. 

I think in my last post (or maybe the one before it) I wrote that it would be awhile for me to have a therapy session. Well, Mike's surgery was pushed back to June 6th so he's making time for me this upcoming Thursday. Which is wonderful. I'll have to miss my afternoon volunteering, but I need to be seen. Having therapy helps. Having someone else to talk to helps. And not having to wait 14 or more weeks between sessions really helps. But I'm almost like, what do I talk about? Because there's nothing going on in my life. Like, nothing. I go to work, I volunteer, I eat, sleep, stare off into space. There's nothing. I'm not having as many "bad" days. Days where I'm close to crying and feeling depressed. Most of my days are nothingness. I'm just floating along through life, participating minimally, flat and blah and pretending that I'm okay. I'm good at pretending. I have no motivation to do anything that I normally enjoy. I have no motivation to work out. I have no motivation to try. 

Work is a chore and is bringing me anxiety. I don't want to go. I feel like I need some time off. Just to be away. There's some changes going on that are probably going to be not good. A new staffing grid. They want us working more short staffed. I've had some difficult days recently and this new grid is going to make things worse. Especially for us transition nursery nurses. We'll have no help but be expected to do more. It makes me anxious. If I could muster up any real feelings I'd be pissed. But I have nothing to muster up, except anxiety. And I can't change what they're doing, none of us can. So I fall into apathy and "why bother". Our manager is begging us to trust her, that this will work, and I can't seem to care. I just go in and do my job, try to keep the anxiety at bay, keep my head down and plug along. But it's exhausting. Because I have to keep up appearances that I'm A-okay. I have to be pleasant and upbeat with families. I have to try and connect. Even though all I want to do is hide. 

Volunteering - at least Thursdays - are an escape for me. I get to be with horses and hopefully feel like I'm making a difference. I still have to keep up appearances and participate and be upbeat. Which is hard, despite being with horses. I say that I enjoy my volunteer work, that I love it, that I'm getting something out of it. When, in reality, I'm just there. I'm just going through the motions. Don't get me wrong - it does help. I do feel better after a day of being out in the sun with horses. But it doesn't help as much as I think it should. And again I'm pretending. I don't want the powers that be or other volunteers to know that I'm struggling. So I pretend and tell myself I'm doing good for others and that I enjoy it, even when I don't feel it. What a crappy way to be.

As far as artwork and reading and stuff goes . . . well, I'm not doing it. I did a couple of simple paintings like a week and a half ago and that's all I've done. I can't concentrate long enough to read anything and I don't feel like doing any artwork. I have no motivation or inspiration. Every once in a while I'll get a little spark. A little idea. But then I try and expand on it, to make up a composition for a painting, and it falls flat. Or dies completely. I just don't have it in me to create right now. Not even vent art. Not even simple scribbles or colors. There's nothing there. Nothing. 

This is my life right now. Nothing. Float along, go through the motions, feeling nothing, feeling empty. And I hate it. And what's bad too is that I don't want to do anything. Or go anywhere. I don't get joy or satisfaction out of anything so why do it? Why go there? Why try? 

So yeah. Flat, empty, nothing. This is me. And I'm sick of it.  

Monday 5/16/22 Finally some art

 Yep. I finally did some art today. First time painting all month. Last month and the month before I was all about painting horses, horses, horses. Then I ran out of steam. I have no motivation or inspiration. I don't want to continue just painting horse after horse, but I'm not sure what to paint. Art block, I guess. All artists get it. I've had it numerous times. Maybe being able to paint today (not horses) signifies the lifting of my art block. Who knows. Guess I'll find out . . . time will tell.

Today I also finished my course on kicking my sugar addiction. It was a very insightful course and I think I can really do it - stop eating sugar. Again, time will tell. I'll see how I do over the coming weeks. There's a "master class" I can sign up for if I need extra help (it, of course, costs extra, and is pretty pricey). But if I'm struggling I just may sign up. Because I'm determined to become a person who doesn't eat sugar. I know I'll be healthier and feel better by not eating sugar. 

Mood wise I've been all over the place. Well, maybe not quite "all over", but I'm having ups and downs. Today is a down day. Yesterday, at work, I was pretty okay. Maybe just a little blah. But okay. Just when I start to feel like I'm doing a bit better, that maybe, just maybe my depression is lifting, I have a day like today. Which reminds me that I'm most definitely not out of the woods yet. It's not that today is bad - I mean, I've accomplished a lot today. It's just that I'm not feeling it. I feel like I've done nothing. Even though I was up early, showered, shaved, did laundry, finished my sugar course, did 2 paintings, and am going to work out, I feel none of it. I'm empty and hollow and feel nothing. Except down and blah. It's frustrating, to say the least. And I really don't know what to do except keep pushing through. It just seems so daunting and overwhelming. To have to keep feeling this way. To have to keep pushing through. I'm so tired of it. I want things to be easy and they're not. Ugh. 

I still have 4 weeks before my next therapy session. It feels so far off (it's already been 3 since my last session). Maybe that will be a good thing - it's not like I have much new to talk about. I go to work, I eat and sleep and complain, and go to bed. Nothing new. 

Tomorrow is my anniversary. Nineteen years of marriage, 22 years together. Pretty awesome. I don't think we're doing anything, which doesn't bother me. I don't have anything planned - not even a card. Maybe I should at least get him a card. I just don't feel like celebrating. I've never been big on celebrating. I have a boring dinner planned, but I do that every night that I'm off. Oh well. Maybe we'll end up going out. Who knows. 

That's it for now I guess. I have no direction with this post. Same shit, different day.  

Tuesday 5/10/22 Maybe I'm slightly better . . .

 Well, I think I'm doing a bit better than I was last week. I'm not as down, not feeling quite so crappy. I'm still blah, still empty, but don't feel as depressed. Which is a good thing. I did work my call shift last week and it sucked. A lot. It was super busy and stupid and then I had to go back Thursday and do it again. Oh well. 

So anyway, I started a program called "I Kicked Sugar". It's an audio program - kind of like a podcast almost - with a workbook. It's got 10 modules, each module around 20-30 minutes long, with tasks to do at the end of each module. As the name implies, it helps you kick your sugar habit. I just finished module 5 today which involved a lot of journaling (which, most of the modules involve journaling). I've also watched 2 documentaries that the program recommended - "That Sugar Film" and "The Truth About Sugar". Both were very eye-opening and informative (though I enjoyed That Sugar Film the most).

 If you haven't figured it out, I'm going to try and give up most sugar. I think it will help me lose weight, feel better physically and emotionally, and maybe help with the depression. Because I'll admit it - I'm addicted to sugar. I binge on it when no one's around or I think no one is paying attention (I'm worst at work when there's treats or candy or chocolate). But, I binge at home, too. To the point that I make myself physically sick. It's like I can't stop. And then I feel horrible after - physically and mentally. I use sugar to reward myself, to calm myself, to soothe myself, to comfort myself . . . it's bad. So, I'm on a quest to give it up. Not entirely - I'll still be eating fruit and the occasional treat - but refined sugar has got to go. 

I think Jeremy thinks I'm a bit whack-a-doodle for doing this. When I told him about it he was less than supportive and was trying to poke holes in everything I was telling him. Which, honestly, made my mood crash. I'm going to need him to be supportive of me with this. But, regardless of what he thinks, I'm doing it. It's going to be hard, but I'm doing it. 

Nothing much else is going on. I'm tired most of the time, I'm blah, I'm still just existing. It's better than being depressed, but it's still no fun. Work is always busy and I feel burnt out. I need a prolonged vacation - even if I don't do anything or go anywhere. Just some time off to be. Although escaping to the mountains would be nice, even if only for a day trip. 

That's about it for now. At least I'm not as negative as I was last week. 

 

Monday 5/2/22 Ugh

 Welp, here we are, it's Monday. It's 11:21am and I haven't showered or even changed out of my pajamas yet. I just don't care. It seems like too much work. I know I'd feel better if I did . . . but it seems so hard. I'm pretty down today and I don't want to do anything. 

I worked yesterday and it was a rough day - mood wise. I was on the floor and my assignment was a nice one - my patients were all nice and self sufficient, and hardly needed anything from me. An easy day. Except it wasn't. I felt so down and empty and lost. I tried to read but couldn't focus. I wanted to hide from everyone. If I had been at home I would have taken a nap (or several). But I was at work and couldn't nap, so I hid and didn't really talk to anyone. Even to two friends who were working yesterday as well. Nope. Just hid in the corner and tried not to feel like crap.

And something that sucks, something that I'm "dealing with", is that I won't have therapy again for 7 weeks because Mike is having major back surgery. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, it just sucks that I have to wait that long (or possibly even longer). Therapy last Wednesday was basically me venting about being depressed and angry at that depression and Mike trying to point out all the good in me. Trying to make me see that I'm more than just my depression. Which I know, intellectually, but it's hard to feel that when I've been feeling so low.  I'm struggling right now. I'm trying so hard not to let it show, but I'm struggling. 

Today it's windy and cold and cloudy. Tomorrow I have to go into work to be fitted again for an N95 mask (I don't want to go). Wednesday I'm on call and praying that I don't get called in. And Thursday, when I should be volunteering, I'll be at work. I'm set up for a crappy week. I work Saturday as well. It's a week I'm not looking forward to. Especially when I feel the way I do. 

I'm being very negative, I know. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it it seems. It's hard to be positive when feeling like crap all the time. Anyway, I guess I don't have anything else to write right now. I need to eat lunch, and I need to shower.