Friday 9/2/22 Saw My Psychiatrist

 So I saw my psychiatrist this past Monday to talk about Lexapro's horrible failure at helping my depression. All the Lexapro did was increase my appetite so that over the 6 weeks I was on it I gained 10 pounds. Which just adds to the depression. Hooray. We agreed to stop it. And I talked to him about trying ketamine infusions. Which, to my surprise, he's for me trying it. With a catch. I guess. Kind of. He wanted me to wean off of Vraylar and start a new medication that's only been available for a short period of time - Caplyta. No one I know has heard of this medication. Of course not - it's brand new. So, he gave me enough samples of Caplyta to last me a month and I see him again in 4 weeks to see how I'm doing. 

I've taken the Caplyta 4 nights now and boy howdy am I groggy in the morning. I read through the information packet that came with the med and yeah. Sedation is the #1 side effect for it. And even though I'm taking it at night, the grogginess hits me in the morning and lasts several hours. I'm hoping this side effect will lessen with time. *Fingers crossed*

In other news, my depression is becoming more and more obvious. At work I try really hard to engage with others but I'm so withdrawn and flat. I'd rather be alone. I'm overall feeling more depressed as well, which sucks. Yesterday was particularly bad. So bad that I didn't volunteer (I was depressed, groggy, and felt like I was getting a cold). I remained depressed all day. I'm trying everything I can but nothing is helping. Hopefully this Caplyta will help. If not, hopefully ketamine will help. The sucky thing about ketamine is it's not covered by insurance, it's expensive (around $300 per treatment), and I have to have a ride home after each treatment. I don't know how that's going to work. Especially finding a ride. Because I don't want to rely on my mom for that. No, thank you. 

Anyway, that's about all that's been going on since last week. Now I want a nap.

Tuesday 6/28/22 Peeing is a Chore

 No really - it is. Peeing has become a chore for me. Why? Let me explain. 

About 2 weeks ago now, my psychiatrist upped my dosage of Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg. I apparently like to get the rare and obscure side effects from medications. With Wellbutrin that looks like urinary hesitancy. I've been on Wellbutrin for a while and the urinary hesitancy started slowly and got worse with time - so much so that I saw a urologist to figure out what was going on. The hesitancy means that it takes me a bit of time to start my flow of urine (yes, probably TMI, I'm aware). Sometimes even a full minute or more before I can pee. Which is annoying. But now, with being on 450mg, I'm also having trouble emptying my bladder. So I can end up sitting on the toilet for 4 or 5 minutes just trying to pee like a normal person. This is beyond annoying and might be a deal breaker for the increased dose. And I haven't noticed a change in my mood yet from being on the increased dose. I'm giving it the full 4 weeks that my psychiatrist wants, but I'm probably going to have to go back down to 300mg and hope the new bladder issues go away. It's very frustrating.

And my mood? It hasn't been great. I've been feeling down more often, instead of just blah. I have more instances of feeling like I'm going to cry, especially at work. I'm trying so hard to be social. I'm forcing myself to interact with people, even though all I want to do is withdraw. And it's making me so tired. Keeping up a façade that everything is okay is exhausting. 

On Friday, Jer and I went to one of his friend's houses for a game night. It was just 4 of us - 2 couples - but it was difficult for me. I was able to join in and have an okay time, but I still struggled. I tried to appear upbeat and outgoing, which is the complete opposite of how I was feeling (I've become much more of an introvert than I ever was in the past). Saturday was work, running on about 3 hours of sleep. Sunday we went to the going away party for Father Baron, meaning I had to interact with a LOT of people. And yesterday, work. So much interacting over the past few days, I'm running on empty. And then I work Wednesday, volunteer all day Thursday, and work Friday. Today is my only day of rest and I volunteer tonight (so it's not a whole day to myself). My saving grace is that today I'm getting a massage - a little gift from Jer as he knows how much I struggle. 

When I feel like this, I get by by having things to look forward to. But after my massage today, I have nothing to look forward to. It's work and volunteering for the foreseeable future. I don't even have a therapy appointment to look forward to (and which I truly need), because Mike is out on medical leave (it'll probably be another 4-6 weeks before I see him). I need little things to look forward to. And I really have nothing. It makes everything seem bleak. 

So anyway, that's where I'm at this week. Struggling and tired. Having issues peeing. But at least getting a massage.