Thursday 10/26/23 Ummm, yes

 So I tried registering for my first class today and it's not going smoothly. AKA: I can't register. In my orientation I was told to go to one site to register - the site is "not available". In an email I was told to go to another site - it works, but when I try to register, the class I'm supposed to be taking is not available. Very frustrating. I emailed my academic advisor so we'll see. 

In other news I'm having crazy heart palpitations. It's been going on for 2 months, but it's getting progressively worse. To the point where I'm having trouble talking at times. I've felt my pulse several times during a "palpitation" and it's my heart actually stopping, and then starting again. Like it skips a beat or two and then keeps on going. It's a little worrisome. I'm not digging it. It kind of takes my breath away/makes me cough, and if I'm mid word speaking it screws it up. I see a cardiologist on the 3rd (a week from tomorrow). When I saw my primary care doc they did an EKG (normal) and lab work (normal). Which, it always is. They're not going to catch something on an EKG unless it happens during the 5 seconds the EKG is running. Which is frustrating. Because there's obviously something going on. What I'm feeling is not normal. It tends to be mild in the morning and gets worse as the day goes on. And yeah, I'm a little worried about it. Oy vey. 

There's not much anything else going on at the moment. Work is work, though it hasn't been as horrible as it had been before. Which is good. 

Oh. So something that is decidedly not good is that my best friend is moving away today. Like, far away. To Indiana. Basically starting over from scratch. New state, new house, new job, new everything. And I'm not liking it. I'm trying hard not to think about it too much because I'll cry. We had a going away party for her last night with lots of work peeps and it was good. But I cried on the way home because it made it so much more real. Today she closes on the sale of her home here and the purchase of her home there, and then is leaving. This truly breaks my heart. We'll still be in touch, obviously, texting, face timing, sending memes . . . but it won't be the same. Now I has a profound sad.   

Monday 10/16/23 I was Accepted

 Welp. I was accepted into my nurse practitioners program. Funny, I guess I never really realized that there was a chance that I wouldn't be accepted. I submitted my application and was like yep. I'm in. But then I got a call from my admissions rep congratulating me on getting in and it dawned on me that I could have been rejected. But anyway, I'm in. And yes, I'm still terrified. Everyone seems to think that I'll do so good and that this is just what I need to be doing. But I'm not convinced.

I saw my therapist last Thursday and told her that I had applied and had been accepted. She was proud of me and happy for me and mentioned that she thought it was going to take months to even get me thinking about applying. Well I proved her wrong! But no really - I'm as shocked as she was. We spent our time going over my fears of school and my perceived short comings. She's going to help me not self sabotage, which is good, because I tend to do that. I'll see her again the week before school starts (first day is November 20th!). I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless, lets be honest. Hopefully this will be good.

Today has been weird. I don't feel right. I've been sick this past week and a half with a cold - achy, congested, cough - but today I feel weird. Like I'm tipsy or something. Almost lightheaded but not quite. Kind of like I'm not real. I don't like it. I have reading I need to do and all I want to do is lie down because of how I feel. I spent the morning drawing a commission and I'm still in my jammies. And I feel tipsy and I really don't like it. I'll probably lie down for at least a little bit, hope this feeling passes. I can't focus or concentrate at the moment because of it. 

Ugh. Okay. I gotta go lie down. That's enough for today. 

Wednesday 10/4/23 I did it

 Well, I did it. I submitted my application and all my goodies (driver's license, transcripts, resume) to the nurse practitioner program at Post University. Just finished, actually. I feel accomplished but scared. Excited but really terrified. I mean, wow. It's real. I did it. I applied. And I really have mixed feelings about it. Mainly because I am scared. This is a big deal. A HUGE deal. Going back to school is no joke. It's going to be tough. Part of me is unsure that this is the right decision. This part of me is scared of new and different, wants everything to stay the same. It's questioning everything I'm doing and it's quite draining. I'm doing my best to listen to this part but ultimately am ignoring it. I should probably try to understand where it's coming from, comfort it, and help it see the good that could come from this decision. I'm sure that's what my therapist would want me to do. But it's hard to do that. I want to ignore it because this part is putting doubts in my mind, and those doubts are taking hold. Which is not good. 

See, I'm my own worst enemy. I have limiting core beliefs, poor self esteem, lack of confidence. And so these little doubts are trying to sabotage what I'm doing. Telling me that I can't do it. That I'm going to fail, so why even try? I hate this. I'm actively trying to change my beliefs, raise my self esteem and confidence levels, and stop self sabotaging. I know school is going to be hard and scary and new and different and above all . . . difficult. But maybe, just maybe, I need the challenge. Maybe I need something different. Maybe I can actually succeed and do some good with my education. The only way I'm going to know is if I try. Maybe I'll find out that school really isn't for me. And if that's the case, then I'll know. But I need to try. This is what Jeremy keeps telling me. That the only way I'll truly fail is by not even trying. I am scared though. I'm worried that because of my memory issues from having done three years of ECT I'll struggle, that I won't be able to retain information. But again, I won't know if I don't try. So try I will. 

To get me ready for school we retired my old art desk. I've had it for over 10 years (Jeremy built it for me using cabinets and a countertop). It served its purpose well but it was time for an upgrade. My new desk is pretty nice. And we got it for a steal (it was originally $1799 but we only ended up paying $681 for it!). I had to clear out my old desk and I got rid of a TON of stuff. It was a nice purge of the old. I also cleaned up my office a bit. I'm getting rid of all my sewing stuff as I don't enjoy sewing any more. It was fun back in the day (6-10 years ago), but it doesn't bring me joy any more. So, out with all of that stuff. Which cleared up some space in my office so it's not as cluttered.

Here's my new desk, all set up:

Quite lovely, yes? I love it. I still need to get a new chair, as my current one isn't the most comfortable. But it's coming along nicely. My own little workspace. The right side of the desk (where the printer is) will be for school, the left side for art (like I'll have time for art while in school, pfft). 

So anyway, I'm excited and terrified. I'm trying to squelch the negative side of me. I'm trying to see all the positives, boost my confidence levels, and move forward. My tentative start date will be November 20th. Just over a month away. Wish me luck.