I Always Have to Watch my Moods

It's morning and as I'm lying in bed I notice something: I don't want to get out of bed. I can't be awake right now, it's too much.

Why? Why is it too much? Are you just tired and feeling a little lazy? Or is it something else? Something . . . more . . . ?

I procrastinate, hit the snooze, think of excuses to stay in bed longer. But the truth is I need to get up. I have to get ready for work. So I do, slowly, feeling the weight of this oppressive cloud hanging over me. Surly it will lift . . .

I'm brewing coffee before I leave and manage to spill the creamer. Anger wells up inside of me and I feel like throwing the bottle of creamer across the kitchen and screaming.

This can't be normal anger can it? Is this anger proportional to what just happened or am I overreacting? Why the fuck am I so mad?

I'm at work and I'm charting, that oppressive cloud is still there and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Almost like I'm going to cry. Like things aren't worth it.

Stop it! You've been busy, had difficult patients, and are a little behind. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Yes, but like I'm going to cry? Like things, life, isn't worth it? Is that normal?

I question my feelings and thoughts countless times a day. Hundreds of times probably. I question whether something I'm feeling or experiencing is "normal" or a result of my bipolar disorder. It is, quite frankly, exhausting. I've been told by my therapist, psychiatrist, husband, and friends not to do this. That it's a waste of my time and energy. However, I think this is one thing that helps keep me safe. Because, see, I can go into a mood episode at any moment for no reason at all. That's right. I don't need a real trigger or precipitating event. No, I can start feeling shitty out of the blue.

Now, having a trigger is more common - don't get me wrong - but my triggers can be pretty small. Like, not enough sleep. Or having my plans change. Seeing a random picture or image (an image of self harm, or a bunny in a certain pose, or a flower, or, or, or . . .), thinking someone is mad at me, getting angry over something (whether real or imagined), or countless other things. My triggers for mania tend to make less sense and sometimes involve a crowd (giving me a chance to grand stand).

The only thing I have going for me right now is that my mood episodes are relatively short lived. See, I'm kind of considered stable right now (crazy, I know). My mood episodes are lasting anywhere from 1 to 6 days (or so it seems), and are mostly depression (hypomania is lasting only for a few hours when it - rarely - shows up).

But that's the thing. The thing that actually really fucking frustrates me. The fact that I'm fucking stable and still having to struggle so much. Because the last 2 weeks? Mostly depressive mood episodes with a day here or there of feeling okay. And that really. Fucking. Sucks. To be doing okay one day and then wake up the next day feeling suicidal. And I have no control over it. It just fucking happens.

I'm having a much harder time with the depression right now. A much harder time warding off the negative thoughts, distorted thinking. I start to believe the lies my brain is telling me, despite my hubby and friend's best efforts of telling me otherwise. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel - only darkness.

Whatever. This is my own personal hell of bipolar disorder. My own unique manifestation of the illness. I guess all I can hope for is that it doesn't get worse again.

Okay. So . . . well. . .

I've had another hiccup, another bump in the road. I've had a depressive downswing that's lasted more than a day or two. Which is really fucking frustrating.

I had ECT last Monday (a week ago) and Tuesday I started feeling pretty down. Quick to anger. Overwhelmed. I didn't think much of it until Wednesday when at work I wanted to cut and kept having suicidal thoughts. The urge to cut (I never did cut) and suicidal thoughts continued throughout Friday. And they were strong y'all. What a horrible feeling. If you've never had to deal with suicidal thoughts, you're lucky. They suck. Literally. They suck the life out of you. Leave you feeling empty and hollow and drained, devoid of meaning and hope.

Wednesday and Friday my friend L (who I happened to be working with) talked me out of cutting (which was nice so that I wouldn't have to bother my hubby and make him worry - not that he'd mind, but I always feel a little guilty about that). I don't even remember Thursday without looking back through my mood journal (thanks, ECT). Saturday was a little better in that I had no suicidal thoughts, and Sunday better still (no suicidal thoughts and I had sex both Saturday and Sunday - and I can orgasm! That would help anyone's mood!).

I really struggled with this downswing and I've been trying to figure out why. Because here's the thing, here's the damned truth: this is how my bipolar is. Even when I'm stable I'm going to have these downswings for no reason. I get to struggle for absolutely no. Fucking. Reason. I've been trying to find a reason, find a cause to this and you know what?

There is none.

Nope. No reason. No pattern, no trigger. It just happened. It just is. And I need to just deal with it. And you know what? I can cope with that when I'm feeling a little better. I can cope with that when my head isn't filled with demons. But last week? When I felt like shit? I didn't know how I was possibly going to make it through.

But I did. I made it though. And I need to remember that I'm a bad ass motherfucker. And I can do this.

Seriously, fuck bipolar disorder.